Please keep the blaming game to the minimum about how I have neglected my husband etc.
About 4 weeks ago my husband left his phone on his charger while at the gym and I saw that he got a text from “steven” with 🍆👅. I froze but decided to look. Steven was a girl that he saved under a guy’s name. She lives in his hometown. They had started talking 2 weeks before I saw the message and it was mostly about their hometown and people they knew in common but also about being married for long like my husband and I and how life changed and he felt that he was falling down my priority list for each year and how new things were taking more and more priority in my life. I felt like I was going to die of heart ache. This is so not true and not fair. I have always loved him and my love grew more each day and he knows this. In fact this is one of the things we tell each other.
But we have had two children. I finished school and started a new demanding job. It has taken time from me and on top of that I’ve battled depression and weight issues. So I admit that our sex life has suffered but it was never like he made it sound, because I didn’t want him or wasn’t attracted to him anymore but because I wasn’t comfortable in my skin. I wasn’t attracted to myself. We still have sex but it is nothing compared to how we were.
I didn’t tell my husband anything and didn’t confront him. I just kept following his conversation with her. They have flirted and talked about sex. What he liked what she liked and they decided to have sex when he visited his hometown. My husband made it clear that he loved me, his wife and children and wasn’t interested in anything else but sex. Because he was tired of always begging for sex from me and me giving it to him like its a chore (this is how he feels and I won’t dismiss his feelings but he is never a chore I just don’t feel hot or sexy to do anything but missionary or doggy and I have hard time cuming because I can’t relax with this severe self awareness).
Three weeks ago my husband was going back home to visit. One of his best friends turned 40 and was having a party. This is something I knew of before I found out about steven. I wasn’t going to go with him because I couldn’t take the days off work. That girl was invited to the party too. I have watched my husband and her deciding on meeting after the party for sex. I asked my parents to watch our kids for that weekend and took a train later than my husband and I showed up to the party. I couldn’t read my husband’s face if he was surprised in a good way or disappointed. His friends were happy to see me. And during the evening my husband seemed more happy than not that I showed up. He asked me why I didn’t tell him and I said because I wanted to surprise him. I also told him that I’ve booked a hotel room because I wanted to do things I wouldn’t be able to if we stayed at my in laws where we usually stayed when visiting. We had sex all night and mostly it was wonderful but for the little intrusive thought in my head wondering if he was enjoying me or wishing it was her.
Next morning we went back home and my husband has been acting differently. Saying that he loved the surprise and how he thought it was hot. I have watched his phone and he has stopped texting Steven and has left her texts on read.
I should have been happy now, I saved my relationship and my family from ruin but why am I not happy? It feels like he still cheated on me. He is very loving now and our sex life is on its way up and he seems content and I’m content too. I realized how much I’ve missed sex in general and with him in particular so why does it still feel awful like he cheated? Like I was playing a game and I conquered one level but now maybe I will need to conquer next level.
I want a divorce but who will side with me?
**thank you for all the comments**
**I haven’t slept at all last night thinking about my situation. I realized that I haven’t really slept since I found out about Steven. It has just been one long nightmare and I don’t think I can handle it anymore. Something has broken inside of me and I can’t mend it.**
**Cheating has always been my boundary. It is something I know I can’t get over. My problem was that he didn’t physically cheat so I have been confused about my feelings but now I know that for menwhat he did was cheating**
**I know I have neglected my husband and let my personal issues affect him and our marriage and I will regret it forever but his way of handling things was wrong. You don’t do that to your wife that you say you love. I have decided on divorce. I won’t bring up Steven because it doesn’t matter anymore. We just don’t have our needs met in this relationship. I have my children to think about and I don’t want them to be disappointed in their father (or me for that matter)**
37 comments
How many times can you travel to the place where Steven and husband would meet ?
Next time msg be you wouldn’t know the place of meeting?
Whatever is it , if he has a happy sexy with you thinking you as a Steven feel happy.
Put some effort in improving yourself. Mostly , because you are suffering from depression and weight loss , try to overcome those.
I’m not sure I would jump into divorce right away, yeah it seems like he was planning something but is this a wake-up call that both of you need to work on your marriage more?
First of all, no matter what problems you’re having in your marriage it is not best to go outside of the marriage to solve the problem. The problem needs to be handled with communication between partners. I think you should disclose what you found on his phone. If not, you would be lying to him by omission and I don’t think that’s helpful for your marriage either. Explain to him your feelings what you’ve been going through and how when you saw those things on his phone, you became desperate to fix the problem but next time you want to solve the problems together
Check out survivinginfidelity.com. You didn’t prevent him – you just delayed it and rug swept.
You feel this way because he did still cheat on you.
He sought out another woman. Planned things with another woman. That’s still 100% cheating.
> why am I not happy?
Because you came by this renewed investment in your marriage dishonestly.
To be clear, I’m not laying the blame at your feet. Your husband was cheating on you (yes, the texts were already cheating even before anything physical went down) and that’s entirely on him. But you’re not feeling better because you haven’t actually talked to him about it and about the larger issues in your marriage.
You need to admit to him that you know about “Steven” and stop treating this like a game to conquer. You two are supposed to be a team, not adversaries tricking each other. Then you can decide if you think this is fixable or if you want to go through with the divorce. Before you make any big decisions it might be worth going to counseling, if nothing else so you can figure out how to co-parent amicably.
This is a weird situation.
First of all, he was cheating on you. Just because his penis never entered her vagina doesn’t mean the intent wasn’t there.
Your solution was… interesting. Odd but interesting. Almost something out of a cheesy romance movie.
But let’s get back to the core issue. He had a need that wasn’t being fulfilled and neither of you communicated it effectively.
Only when threatened by another woman did you go out of your way to initiate the passionate encounter he was desiring. That doesn’t give him a pass for infidelity by any means, but it was the cause of what caused him to step foot on that damnable road.
So… it’s up to you if you think this is salvageable. I’d say both of you need to put your cards on the table and have a heart to heart conversation where you go from here.
Why not just tell him —this is how things could have been of you had confided in me your wife not steven and now that I know you’re incapable of talking to me openly I’ve decided I want to discuss divorce. Admit snooping was wrong but his plans for infidelity were also wrong. I’d also let Stevens husband know they had a plan. But that’s me.
This is pretty messed up. Are you going to continue to monitor his phone forever? What if he finds out how would he react. You need to come clean and have a convo and decide mutually on marriage counseling
Girl we gave you advice on your other account. Personally I want you to talk to him but from your comments you are not ready yet, so take the time you need. This is your life as I said in your other post you wished he was honest with you but you are not doing what you preached. I don’t care about the snooping and I wouldn’t apologized for it either. What he did was wrong and he sucks. You are right, do you have to keep snooping in the future, no one know, time will tell. I feel like this is fixable with time, counseling, and trust but I’m not living it, and you seem ready to divorce him, so if that’s what you want to do then do it.
Why would you be happy? Your husband was going to cheat on you. You didn’t “save” anything you just physically stopped it from happening. But you know who he is now and you know he is planning to do it. You won’t always be able to stop him. He will do it eventually.
What your husband was planning on doing isn’t ok. It’s bad. Very bad.
That said, you got a real look at how he feels. He wants you. That’s all he wants, but he felt that you were making yourself unavailable. Your husband felt unwanted by you and that’s all he wanted. You need to talk about your struggles with yourself with him. He doesn’t see you that way, but I bet he would understand things if you communicated with him.
And you showing up saved you marriage, but you also made that man’s year.
This honestly sounds like the plot of an 80’s movie, where everything worked out and the husband and the wife worked things out and the kids were happy and sunshine and rainbows. But in 2023 we know that this just isn’t feasible and it’s just an idiot plot.
I would invite him to a hotel one day and then once he checks in he realizes the hotel is checked under the name steven. And when he walks in the room and he sees a blonde girl, he asks “steven?” you take off a blonde wig and turn around and say “suprise MFer” and you shoot him with divorce papers from your lawyer, Mel Brooks style.
Also an idiot plot but I like that way more
He did cheat you. He divulged intimate details about your marriage and his sex preferences with another woman. He planned to physical cheat on you the first opportunity he had. He cheated babe which is why you are feeling the way you are feeling.
I would suggest calmly letting him know that you found his messages. If you want to continue to save your marriage you need to up front and honest and seek couples therapy. What happens when life gets in the way and he may feel he is being neglected again? Are you always going to be wondering if he is cheating on you ? Or seeking validation else where.
You can’t continue to have a successful marriage if there is deceit creating a huge chasm between you two.
I hope you and him can work everything out. Best of luck!
It appears that there was a break down in communication in your relationship. Instead of trying to work on your relationship, he chose to cheat.
He absolutely cheated. He found a willing person, created a bound, and set time to commit a sexual affair.
What you’ve done is just rugswept his adultery. You’ve pushed it off, but not actually dealt with the behavior that lead him to cheat. This is just a time bomb waiting to happen again.
Another concern is that he’s not gone completely no contact with this other woman, so he’s keeping her on the back burner for a reason.
Get tested for STD/STI just in case. He may have been setting her up for long term affair, but may have had one night stands.
I’d recommend that you find you and your husband therapists to learn how to communicate better. Also, look for a marriage counselor that used the Gottman Institute method. This is an infidelity correction method.
Don’t push this off. Sit him down and tell him you want to work on your relationship, or not. Maybe go on a trip just you two. Maybe a retreat that specializes in relationship building?
Good luck.
All you’ve done is prolong the inevitable. He has shown that he is fully willing and able to cheat on you, and this will happen again. It’s up to you to decide if this is something that could be potentially worked through in marriage counselling or not. But I would absolutely say he did cheat on you.
That’s because he did cheat, whether you want to continue this marriage or not accept that and confront him then depending on his reaction make your decision,people who really care about will support you focus on yourself this is not the time to care about others opinions-I personally think you didn’t stop him you just delayed it.good luck
I’ve been in a similar position as you OP. I found texts between someone and my ex wife with plans to hook up when they went abroad. Its still cheating even if its still in the talking phase, its emotional cheating. My ex went on to cheat multiple times, once the same person and also with other people.
Cheating is unforgiveable. Your husband made a choice and was meticulously making a plan, putting things in place to hide it, and had a date/place in mind. He was dedicated to do it and will be dedicated to do it again. Save yourself the heartache and get rid of the trash.
He sought out someone else to sleep with and fully planned it. A lot of people will consider this cheating/emotional cheating. You showing up suddenly at the party to surprise him and then getting a hotel room so the two of you can have sex fulfilled his need for both sex and feeling like he is a priority to you. The communication between you two hasn’t been up to par and what you’ve been saying to each other up to this point hasn’t been enough and hasn’t been fully heard. And then he fucked up on top of this with “Steve”.
You have to decide if this is worth fighting for and going into couples therapy to have better communication and really hear each others needs and why they aren’t met or feelings about yourselves and partnerships. But given the lase line, it sounds like you want to go for divorce which a lot of people would likely understand given the situation and what happened (didn’t happen).
I side with you if you wasn’t their he would’ve had sex with her. Did you happen to see her at the party?
You’re not wrong to feel as though he was cheating, as he was having an emotional affair. His communication with his “friend” crossed the line when it became sexual in nature and then included plans to actually have sex. You were able to prevent it from becoming a full physical affair….this time. What about next time?
The big red flag here is that this shows if he is feeling dissatisfied or neglected he’ll look elsewhere instead of talking you about it. But I want to gently point out that communication works both ways. If you’re feeling depressed and overwhelmed you need to talk him about it, don’t suffer in silence. The whole point of partnership is to solve problems together.
In the spirit of actual problem solving, would you both be amenable to couples therapy? I know that’s kind of a generic suggestion but it can be beneficial to learn how to better communicate and it can be a safe space to air grievances. If you choose to confront him about his near-miss sexual encounter I would do it in the presence of a therapist. Just make sure to save screenshots of texts from “Steve” so he won’t be able to deny anything later.
I would also encourage you to see your doctor and possible individual therapist for depression and weight concerns. Could you go to the gym with your husband, or go on runs/hikes together? It sounds like your hotel stay just the two of you was enjoyable, could you do more of that? More dates, more adventures? I hope that you don’t give up on your marriage, but most importantly, don’t give up on yourself. Good luck!
You won’t ever get past this. I was with my ex found evidence 2x of him cheating he told me he wasn’t I was never able to get over it. You will drive yourself crazy
He did cheat on you. Intent to cheat is equivalent to cheating. Whether he was successful in having sex or not, in his heart he already did.
It sounds like you can very much take this at face value. Your husband is looking for sexual intimacy. He’s not content with whatever the frequency and intimacy you do have. He is willing to go looking for sex elsewhere in that absence, and is only really looking for that, sex.
Whether they did it or not, all of the above is true. So it will feel like a betrayal, because instead of addressing that lack of connection with you successfully he’s been looking outside of the marriage.
You need to decide if you can forgive him. People fuck up. And people are fuck ups. You know your husband. Decide if he’s worth doing the work for. Because coming back from this is work for both of you. You need to be honest with him about how you’re feeling and why, and come up with a plan to get back to a place where you have proper intimacy with your husband, as he clearly is missing it and doesn’t want to be without it. But you also need to be honest that has broken some trust here, that he made the wrong decision when he decided to look outside of the marriage instead of talking to you, and that he needs to work on earning that back.
You need to come clean to him and get into couples therapy
This information you have about her and what he planned to do with her is going to eat you up from the inside, because the trust is already gone. You know the truth. You were already wondering if he was wishing it was her, you’re already feeling betrayed. He was telling HER how terrible and neglected he felt, while he’s now telling you to your face how he loves you. This is very, very common cheater behavior.
1) Cheaters will often demonize their spouses to justify the cheating to their affair partners.
2) When there are actual relationship problems, they will do anything but have a conversation with YOU about it. They’ll tell you they love you, everything is great, but when you find out about the cheating, they flip the switch and suddenly it’s “you’re terrible” and “I haven’t been happy for years!” It’s all one big mindfuck.
You feel cheated on because he cheated. Seeking out someone else, demonizing you to her, and making active plans to meet up for sex with her is cheating. Doesn’t matter if the actual act of sex took place or not. He betrayed you.
Yeah I don’t think I’d be able to stay in a marriage with someone whose first thought is to have an affair rather than talk about the problem. Do you feel like you won’t get any support if you decide to leave?
He had already cheated on you, what you did just fed his ego. Nothing wrong with that but it wasn’t beneficial or detrimental, just move on. Clear your head.
I think you’re clutching at straws here trying to save a marriage that has probably fizzled out for you both. Your man has lost interest in you due to all the reasons you stated and got tempted by another woman, this has ignited some sort of raging fire in you to prove to him that you are the only one worthy of his attention. Whilst it might be an effective strategy short term to get his attention back on you, it’s not enough to keep him from cheating. Maybe some marriage counselling might help but if the flame has fizzled then perhaps it’s time to leave.
There is no way I wouldn’t have been able to ask about “Steven” after an all nighter of sex and the kids not being able to hear me if I started yelling. It would have been first thing the next morning or right as he was falling asleep.
It’s just no way that *I* am going to be the only one uncomfortable because of a situation someone else created. We are all going to be uncomfortable today!
If your wanting to justify a divorce you already have and don’t need us to tell you it’s ok to leave. However there are a few things you should consider.
Even if you don’t feel beautiful, and your sex life isn’t great if can still affect him, his mental state and make him question the relationship itself. Is he a victim? No, should he have been more vocal about his needs? Yes. Should you have been more transparent and open about how your feeling in regards to sex? Yes. Is it your fault he attempted cheating? No.
Some people need physical intimacy in order to feel like they are wanted or needed. The same people that would bastardize him and say shit like sexuality is fluid are the same people that would damn him for wanting a healthy sex life. “Well he should have communicated that before making the attempt”. No shit but no ones perfect and it’s easier to not hurt your partners feelings or try to manipulate your uninterested partner than it is to just find a random hook up and get it over with me.
Is he an asshole for even attempting? Yes. There’s no excusing his behaviour but it’s not exactly shocking. “But a good partner would be super patient and be open about it.”. That pendulum goes both ways. It’s easy to judge the criminal when taken without the context of why the crime happened. It sounds like your sex life was defunct and borderline sad, he may be someone that needs or wants physical intimacy or even just an average person.
My suggestion? See a couples therapist and get help. You guys suck at communicating with each other. And no one is going to victim blame you, but if he isn’t fully aware of the issues you’re going through mentally hes going to assume the issue is with him.
And again his behaviour is abhorrent but not shocking.
>I should have been happy now, I saved my relationship and my family from ruin but why am I not happy? It feels like he still cheated on me.
You didn’t save anything. Your husband was cheating on you by sexting with this woman. He will do it again.
I think you should be honest with him. Tell him you know about Steven and what his plans was for the afterparty. Tell him you came to stop it. But at the end you feel betray, hurt and cheating on. Tell him you’ve read all his sexting with her, and you can’t put it aside. Tell him you always loved him, desire him, you just had problem loving yourself, you never rejected him, but you. He never made the effort to understand, and his way of “fixing” the issue was flirting and planing sex with somebody else??? What will he do in your shoes, because from where you stand, you love him, wanted this to work but can’t get past the fact that he betray you instead of working with you to fix the problems that you had.
I will try couple therapy, because now thing are row for you, and sometimes is good to have time to think before taking a changing life decision. If after a while you still feel the same, divorce. The people who love you will be by your side.
My girl was a lot like you. Her parents/family basically shoved body image issues onto her, and she basically rushed a double mastectomy because she was tired of having boobs at the tender age of 30. There were medical reasons for it (spinal health), but she did not do it for those reasons. We have been together 8 years, and I know her like I know my own face – her perspective of herself was the driving factor.
I could *feel* how her self-image made sex a chore for her, and even if she didn’t outwardly say it was or expressed that she liked or enjoyed it. That reservation or hesitance to let go always made me feel like I was having sanitized or controlled sexual interactions, and it bored/killed me. I always had a high libido and was very much sexual with all my prior partners and navigating that when she didn’t want to wore me down.
Long story short, I split with her over it.
It got to the point that I was blue in the face talking to her about it, and instead of getting help or talking to her therapist about it (she admitted she hadnt despite having the same therapist for 3 yrs) she just shut down more. I am not aggressive, loud, or impatient. The very last time we had the convo before the split, I legitimately got angry, and I realized I was done.
At that moment, I couldn’t even find the patience to set it aside so I didn’t make things worse. I just knew immediately that I accepted that things could possibly be this way forever, or I walked. I told her she hadn’t initiated in 7-8 months, and we hadn’t had sex in almost 3. She asked me why I was keeping count and I saw red. I had to sit on the floor and count to ten.
I did what your husband should have. If he really felt the conversationor the efforts were a dead end, **If he really was done with trying to motivate you to have a healthier perspective of your sexual self, he should have walked.** Which, while likely would have been a bigger blow to your ego, would at least be honest and up front in his own benefit.
This is coming from someone who was in a similar or possibly worse place – I would personally leave. I also haven’t ever been on your end of the situation, but I have been cheated on and have no patience or grace to offer cheaters.
*However*, if you feel like you can put this behind you, tell him the truth. It would give a far stronger foundation to rebuild from if you both were fully honest. What you did was basically hysterical bonding because the end of your marriage loomed near. If you hadn’t found that thread, would you have slept with him that night or made the effort to rock his world?
I, not even knowing you, **can very comfortably tell you no**. You would have never done anything of that nature, especially since it was a first. You have the capability, but not the mindset to accomplish what you knew was important enough to be the death of your relationship, then retroactively are upset that it’s the death of your relationship. You are justified and well within your rights to divorce him, *however the anger here is hypocritical.*
This is a result of an issue you primarily held responsibility in – so while you have reason you divorce, and to never trust him again, if he had expressed his frustrations and was met with a hollow words and emptier promises, **your relationship was dead before this happened**. You just witnessed the corpse before the death was known.
This doesn’t mean you should blame yourself. This means you should be conscious of the circumstances of the relationship being a catalytic factor. He’s still a cheater, and you aren’t.
Nonetheless, he deserves the hard lesson the same way he gave you one. He should have walked if he was done trying, and you should have tried more if you knew he was dissatisfied. All said and done, though, *He’s the offending party here, first and foremost.* You choose what you want to do and what is best for you because he already has done so for himself. He was just fortunate it worked out in his favor.
You don’t cheat on your spouse no…but I also think you shouldn’t withdraw and close off like you did to your husband. That wasn’t fair either. It’s so sad to me because it sounds like you guys do truly love each other and this was just a rough patch…i also have a hard boundary against cheating but this feels different…idk.
to be honest, it seems that you are the love of his life, you didnt have sex with him less that 5 times in 3 years (dead bedroom) and even tho he should have never talk to that woman to open your eyes about your neglect, as soo as you surprised him and gived him sex 1 time, he cut her off completlly….
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i understand your feelings of being cheated on, are valid feelings and you should talk to him and be open the both of you
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i trully beleive that 99% of cheaters should not get second chances, but in this case he is that 1%
i beg you to not do the biggest mistake of your life and be like my mom (she was you arround 10 years ago) and she keeps talking about how she regrets first the neglect, and then the give up thinking that he would be happier, when both of them (and both of you) want and love the same outcome
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wish you the best
I just don’t understand how women will take themselves out of the relationship, stop having sex with there partner. Then expect a man to be ok without sex because the woman can’t love themselves after there man shows them continuous love. If a woman doesn’t get what they want they go get it but when the man does the same he is wrong. Seems like instead of saying I don’t love me so your can’t love me. They would just talk to there partner that they married.