I (23F) had a conversation with my BF (23M) about our future together and it did not go well.

48 comments

1. What would keeping quiet ***about your own future*** get you?

2. Keeping quiet wont do anything..you need to know if youre wasting your time. Tell him how you feel and if he isnt dating to marry then you guys arent compatible

3. Ask him if his reaction because he is being stressed by his family with exactly the same question.

   If not, call him out for being an asshole and tell him your question is a legitimate topic of discussion, not to be brushed off off.

   But, understand, this discussion might end the relationship if he has no desire to be married and you do

4. You’ve invested five years into this guy, and he gets annoyed when you dare bring up future plans?

   Ffs, break up with him. You can do a lot better than a guy who’s dating you because it’s what he has always done.

   Is he at least future oriented? Job, education, plans?

5. >it just made me think that he doesn’t even see me the same way, it made me think that he doesn’t even plan on marrying me in the future.

   Correct.

   You know what you want for your life, and now you know what he wants, even if he’s refusing to say it out loud. Do you want to spend 5 more years with someone who doesn’t want to marry you and won’t communicate clearly about his wishes, or do you want to look for someone who will love you as much as you love him?

   Life is short, and time is precious. You’ve got to decide how you want to spend it.

6. In the past 5 years has he never mentioned marrying you?

7. That’s a fair amount of time to be with someone so that kinda question of “have you ever thought of us being together” isn’t at all unreasonable. He probably doesn’t want to marry is my guess.

   Why would anyone get so upset at a simple question if they had nothing to hide or the answer wasn’t terrible? After 1 or 2 years most couples would have definitely thought about it in passing.

8. [removed]

9. Marriage is usually brought up within the first year or at least MENTIONED. The fact you mentioning it to him after five years of dating pissed him off concerns me.

10. You definitely need to have a conversation with him about it if that’s what you want. You’re in pretty deep with the relationship at this point. If he cant even have a conversation about the future with you, his mind is likely elsewhere and you deserve to know that.

11. if he was interested in marrying you he would’ve mentioned it already. i’ve been with my partner for almost two years and they constantly talk about wanting to get married, *im* actually the one who’s making us wait bc i feel too young still. don’t give him an ultimatum, just tell him that you need to know if he sees a future with you, because if he doesn’t then you don’t want to stick around. the fact it hasn’t come up in the 5 YEARS you’ve been dating tells me he doesn’t want to get married to you.

12. How did you make it 5 years without having this conversation before?????

13. Are you serious? You’re going to keep quiet???

14. You’ve been together 5 years I think it’s a legitimate question to ask. you’re in your early twenties. You’re almost 24, it’s definitely a legitimate question to be asking. So do you want to like just not say anything and wait another 2 years till you ask him again when you’re 25 and then he’ll go oh I don’t want to think about it again. Then what? If he doesn’t want to get married or married to you then yes you should break up. I mean I was with a guy for 5 years and at that point in time that he was making no moves toward marriage and we were 26 and 24. I was 2 years older. However things weren’t great between us and at that point I really did not want to marry him anyway. Plus I also found that he’d been cheating the majority of our relationship so yeah I dumped his ass. Do I regret being with him for 5 years, yes I do but I believe every relationship helps you grow and become the person you are.

15. Keeping quiet won’t solve anything

16. If this dude isn’t planning on marrying you after 5 years…leave. I could see if he wants to wait to get married until your older but why stay in a relationship that you aren’t sure about the future? If he isn’t mature enough to talk about this…he isn’t mature enough to marry. Also…if I was dating someone and loved them and they talked about marrying me….I would be ecstatic about it , I wouldn’t get pissed off and blow it off. I could see if you bring it up all the time and are always talking about marriage but you need to know where this is going to make a decision.

17. With what?

18. He doesn’t see you in his future. Find someone who appreciates you

19. I was with my one ex for 5 1/2 years. When it came time to even go LOOK at rings, he kept shortening the time before we even got to the jewelry store. Oh we’ll just go for a half an hour, we’ll just look for 15 minutes, we’ll just go in and look around for like 5-10 minutes…. I drove right past the store and told him I no longer wanted to go. He admitted to being “scared”, I realized at that moment that he had no intention of marrying me. I told him it’s fine I’d rather know before we got any further in but it would have been nice to know sooner than 5.5 years in. I will never force somebody to marry me, but I WILL leave if we can’t agree that’s where things are going.

20. I read an article years ago that said relationships should either be “fuck yes! Or no.”

    You’re not saying you want to get engaged next week, just that you’re dating someone who shares the same long term goals as you. That is completely reasonable.

    Edit to add: 5 YEARS?! I skimmed over that part. Ma’am if he can’t answer that question after FIVE YEARS it’s time to jump ship.

21. You need to start off the conversation by saying “by being a dick I feel that you don’t see a future with me so should we just end it now?”

    Then see what he has to say, but don’t let him be an ass. He either puts his big boy pants on and communicates like an adult or you don’t engage in conversation with him until he does

22. On the one hand you are very young. Both of you are, on the other hand, 5 years is plenty of time to know what kind of person each of you are and if you are going to want to be together for the rest of your lives.

    It’s just as much your decision is his. I think you are right to be asking those questions without putting pressure on someone. If you are dating to marry, you need to know if it is going to be with him or not.

23. I see two major concerns here.

    First of all is the reality that 5 years in, yeah, you should at least have some idea of where you are at in terms of marriage. I get you are relatively young but… I mean, it is 5 years. You either see a future at that point or you don’t.

    The other is his tone. Maybe he genuinely just isn’t ready for that right now. But he chose such an aggressive and dismissive way to put that to you. Good communication would have been that right now he is reflecting and that he needs some time, not angrily shutting down a topic that is pretty straightforward. If that is how he handles communication in general then whether you ought to want to marry him becomes a pretty big question.

    You’re 23. It has been 5 years. Wanting to know where it is going is not a bad thing. Because after all, 23 isn’t a bad age to be starting fresh either.

24. You should figure out, for sure, his wants in life. Maybe you have different ideas for the future.

    If you stay silent…resentment will begin to grow. And that’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to him.

    Don’t stay silent. And don’t waste each others times and lives if what you both want is different.

    It’s a hard pill to swallow but … soon enough, resentment will grow from either you or him and it’s gonna get ugly and much harder.

25. Nah sis chalk your losses and move on

26. It seems as though you want this relationship to end up in marriage and he may not.

    I truly feel for you and I know his response was hurtful to you and not what you were expecting and hoping for.

    I can’t explain his response, it makes no sense to me. He could change his mind and he might not. It depends on how much time you want to invest going forward with this guy with a response like the one he gave you.

    It’s really a crap shoot at this point and you have to decide if you are willing to invest more with someone that isn’t returning your desires.

27. He doesn’t want to marry you.

28. If you’re dating to marry the subject should have been brought up well before 5 years. 6 months is a reasonable amount of time for it to be mentioned.

    Talk to your guy. If he doesn’t have a good answer why he is acting the way he is, walk.

29. He does not plan on marrying you. Time to move on. When he asks why you are leaving, just tell him that you “don’t want to think about it right now”.

30. Is it possible he’s thinking of proposing and doesn’t want to ruin the surprise?

31. You may have reached a point where you are ready to make those kind of decisions, but he probably has not. 23 is still quite young to decide to marry someone, so just because you are certain doesn’t mean he is, nor is he wrong for his feelings. Generally, this is why women marry men older than they are. The maturity difference doesn’t change because you’re not teens anymore…

32. Just came to make sure you’d left to go find someone worthy of your time and energy.

    1: He could have just lied to appease you temporarily. He didn’t.
    2: He could have professed that the idea had occurred to him, but you’re young/let’s wait kinda thing. He didn’t.
    3: He chose stupid. He showed that he wants to sow his oats, he’s just been waiting to find an out.

    Roll yourself out the door and on to someone who even wants to entertain the idea of a future with you.

33. You’re a placeholder, darling. There’s no way that he doesn’t know one way or the other if he wants to marry you. Like you, he’s had FIVE long years to think about it.

    He won’t verbalize it because he knows any woman with half a brain would most likely move on. He doesn’t want to risk losing what is obviously a consistent convenience for him.

    I am so sorry to be so blunt, but life is so preciously short. Please don’t expend another minute on this man. With your permission, he is stealing the best years of your life. There are too many other wonderful men out there. ❤️

34. After 5 years together I think it was totally normal and valid of you to ask this question. His reaction was very odd… how could you be with someone for 5 years and never imagine what it would be like to marry them? I think you need to just sit down TELL him that you believe in dating for marriage and ask him why he doesn’t want to talk about it even after you’ve been together for so long?

35. You should do neither.. you should move on and stop wasting your life with a man who has no desire for a long term relationship and is most likely killing time till he finds something better.

36. U should definitely ask girl ! If he doesn’t see u as a person to spend his life with , u better get out of there !

37. How did y’all get 5 years in and never discuss where this is going?

    If you’re wondering if he’s gonna marry you, the answer is no.

38. Sounds like you should move on to someone who wants marriage.

39. You want different things. Go find someone who wants what you want.

40. They’re both 23. Their brains aren’t even done developing yet. It is way to early for them both in the prime of their lives to be talking about marriage. Idc how long you’ve been together, 5 years doesn’t make them mature enough to suddenly decide marriage, they’re setting up both their lives for when they’re old enough to make that next step. The only thing that’s on that guys mind is finishing college and setting up his life for down the road when he is ready. This sub is just beyond horrible and they’re literally trying to break up a young ass couple way before they’re both at a point for any of this. God this place is toxic.

    Again time together doesn’t mean shit if they’re both barely 20!!!! They have plenty of time for that next step. He’s way to young for anyone to say oh well if he isn’t saying anything now then obviously he isn’t ready. Well no shit he’s 23 and in school, you think? What happens when he hits 28 and he’s ready to finally take that step with Op, graduated college and financially in a better place? None of you can. For real I pity anyone who comes here for advice I really do.

41. There is a huge difference between asking him to propose to you tomorrow and asking him, after 5 years of being with you, if he sees his future made with you in it. If he can’t emphatically say yes I want you in my life after 5 years you should maybe hit the road. Dont let him eat up your youth stalling.

42. I don’t mean to jump to conclusions bc you don’t have to be ready this young but as someone around your age and in an 5 year relationship and a sibling having just gotten married he’s talked about our future/marriage even more. There could be internal conflict with commitment or he just doesn’t see a future with you.

    You should ask about it again.

43. Dang you have balls, I’m too scared to ask at all! But if you love him, you should bring it up in 5 more years. Even if you get married, you could get divorced, but it’s always worth the try, maybe you’ll live happily ever after.

44. Sorry, but if y’all have been together for 5 years and he hasn’t made any plans for the future, there’s no future.

45. He’s much too young to want to lock himself down, especially if the relationship has begun to already become stagnant, repetitive, uneventful, losing it’s excitement and fun, lack of romance, lack of dating, becoming too restrictive or limiting.

    You 2 are way too young to even know what you want or who you will be 15 years from now. Your needs can change to something different than now

46. I think you should say I okay/I understand but ask when a good time to talk about it is?

    If he stonewalls even committing to talking about later, that’s even worse, Like as his girlfriend, you should be able to talk about these things.

    This is a serious thing it’s the rest of your life, What if before having sex, You ask about the STD test or condom and he gets angry it doesn’t want to talk about it right now….

47. Should have respected his boundary. He said he doesn’t want to think about it right now? Why wasn’t that enough for you?

    I’d like to think of you two have been together for 5 years then he does see a future with you but you probably upset him by pressing the issue.

    If the tables were turned I’d think you would be upset at him for continuing a question you clearly said you didn’t want to think about at that moment.

    Nobody can tell you how to feel but I think you should have dropped the subject after he answered you the first time

48. He said “He’s to young” but you either only see yourself with someone forever or you don’t. Marriage only confirms your emotions you already feel. It isn’t a logical answer. Does he plan on exploring his options some day? If not, not getting married ain’t some reverse psychology to feel untrapped