Girlfriend and I have been together since junior year of high school (on and off through college but once I graduated in 2019 we’ve been together since.
Recently I have been losing significant interest in our relationship (sex drive, I find myself getting irritated with her very quickly, etc.) To preface my issues that I have with her, I am admittedly not great at communicating my feelings (likely from childhood trauma with my dad), and I know I need therapy for this and am actively trying to find a therapist. Some consistent issues I have with her are that I don’t feel heard when voicing my concerns because when I bring them up, the conversation does not stay focused or the blame gets turned on me. I also feel like I am her maid in a sense, as I am constantly cleaning up after her at home and asking her to clean up after herself. There are obviously more issues that we have but I also just am generally losing interest and we don’t have the spark we used to. Our sex life has taken a downturn over the last two years, hitting rock bottom these last few weeks.
We moved in together when covid hit in 2020 and we got a dog together, moved to a new state in 2021. We moved to a place where she already knew a lot of people (college friends and family), so almost all of my friends are also her friends (and most were her friends first). This makes me worried that if I end things, I will have no support system here.
I know in the back of my mind that I need to end things and it’s not right for me to string her along like I have been. I’m just scared of what’s going to happen when I try to do that. Our lease is up at the end of August (we were going to move to a new apartment anyways), and I will need to find a place to live with roommates (very high cost of living in my area). Our dog will likely stay with her (I got her the dog as a grad program graduation gift). I generally have not been great at putting myself out there and making friends, dating, etc. I need to be better about getting out of my comfort zone.
I just need some advice on how to manage this situation without causing any unnecessary drama and how to come out of this okay with how my new life will be. I want to make sure I can make new friends. I also want to minimize the pain I cause my girlfriend, because she really has been my best friend for so long and I don’t want to hurt her. I just know this relationship is not good for my mental health and I don’t see this relationship lasting long term, as I don’t feel interested like I used to be and am just in a state of being comfortable.
How do I manage the aftermath of breaking up with her? And how do I feel okay after I end things when my whole life will be turned around?
TLDR: need to break up with long term girlfriend because I’m losing interest and don’t feel love for her anymore. How do I make myself feel okay with the fact that my best friend will be lost and life will be completely turned upside down?
10 comments
If you are truly not wanting to remain in a relationship with her I would sit her down and have an honest talk. Maybe open up some dialogue. Let her know that you just aren’t feeling the same way as you did, and if she’s willing to maintain open and discuss it with you I would let her know that you are beginning to have some feelings of resentment. There is the chance you can remain friends. You most likely won’t be as close of friends. It’ll hurt, for the both of you. But it’s much better to be open and honest now than to let it escalate and have it end on much worse terms. I would prepare yourself for the negative outcome of this as well. You can always start again and make friends. It’ll be difficult but if you are willing to make the effort it is possible and can even be quite easy. However, i would make sure this is truly what you want after discussing your feelings first. If it still is, then it’s time to part ways.
Start investing in friends now. It’ll help be a buffer when things come down
I think you hit two very important points here:
1) Do everything you can to be the best version of yourself. You said you are not a great communicator because of trauma. It’s ok to get help and work through these things.
2) Delaying something and avoiding it will not make the end result easier.
You can do it, best if luck.
Ok so its time to put yourself first . It’s ok to worry about your feelings before hers now . If this is what you feel is best for you bro then follow threw . No matter what happens her feelings are going to get hurt . If you do it now then it will be less painful . Be honest and voice your reasons for why you feel the way you feel so that she can see that this is more than just a temporary issue . Let her know you don’t want to hurt her but you are hurting and unhappy and to keep this going would be a lie . Don’t wait and keep this in because it will get ugly . Once you end keep it like that , dont lead her on in any way . Until you heal i suggest no contact what so ever . You will make friends brother you seem like a good genuine guy . Genuine people are loved everywhere . Good luck. Buddy
Breaking up seems inevitable and the lease going out in August seems like the best time to do so. Is there any way you can find work where your support system (family amd friend) is? The cost of living could also be advantageous there. Otherwise just plan accordingly for your living arrangements and do a clean breakup.
In addition to the advice you’ve received already, think about how your feelings and behaviors are affecting her. She knows you’re unhappy and probably wants either out or the old you back. You can’t give her the old you, so be honest and end things kindly and quickly and definitely.
Hope for the best and prepare for the worst my friend. Honesty is the best way in your situation, and I mean really being honest about you’ve been feeling and how this decision of ending it now is the best option for you and her as well. You don’t want to wait it out to the point of resentment since you’ve already stated that you find yourself getting more irritated with her. As long as your intentions are clear, however she takes it and decides to spin to her friends is strictly her decision.
I would do this before august btw so when it’s time to lead you already have a clean slate. Start making friends now, go bar hop if you drink or just keep your eye peeled for local activities in your area.
Break ups are messy and never nice, however you want to do it. Just do it.
Bro, I’m not going to lie, this is my identical situation, word for word. I’m in the same boat trying to look for a solution. It’s costing me my mental health but it’ll figure itself out at some point. You got this.