My family consists of me (20m), my mother, my step-dad, my step-sister (10f), and my step-brother (7m).
Some background info, me and my mom spent the mid-to-late 2010s running up and down the East coast trying to escape my Abusive Narcistic Drug-Addict turned Alcoholic father.
My mom finally met my step-dad and I’ve always been happy for her. He’s, well, he’s a cool dude and sometimes I wish she met him instead of my dad.
My step-dad has two children also with a abusive narcissistic ex.
My mom and step-dad have a silent bias for my Step-brother. They constantly brush off my step-sister and my mom has confided to me that she feels like my step-sister takes after her mother. This is not at all the case, and it’s beyond frustrating.
My brother is what feels like a dochebag in training, constantly getting his way so long as he cries and when that doesn’t work he’s gets physically aggressive. Hitting, kicking, and pushing people in retaliation.
I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried bringing this up but it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall. I hate how they treat her, I hate how they’ll scold her for mistakes, but when my brother makes them he’s talked to like he could do no wrong.
Am I just delusional, am I terrible brother, is there anything I could do?
TL;DR! My family treats my sister like she’s a manipulative narcissist because of her mom but in reality, it’s my little brother who’s a manipulative narcissist (in training) is there anything I could do?
26 comments
Do you have an aunt or uncle or family friend who you can talk with about this? Might be best coming from them. Your folks might be able to “hear” it better – since they seem to be brushing you off.
You are a very good brother to be protecting your sister. She’s lucky to have you.
When I see this happening, I passive aggressively insert myself to slow their roll. Interrupt, change the subject, roll your eyes and tell your sis its not a big deal. Sarcasm is great – “come on matilda, lets get a towel and clean up this TRAGIC spill.” Or walk away muttering “not this bullshit again.”
When the other kid is being a shit, withdraw your attention and give attention to Stepsister.
Calling out unfairness right in front of mom/stepdad is validating and reduces the damage. I doubt your folks will listen if you politely bring it up, but a PA snub will usually get all but the most dedicated asshole to take pause.
In ten years, your step father will be so confused why his daughter only talks to her step brother and ignores her father.
hes 7, thats usually what sevens do.
try to ignore him and get out of his way. he will get better after 16
It’s interesting that the two people who married negative narcissists are now coddling what sounds like another one. They haven’t recognized the traits again?
Info: Honest question. How much of the behaviour of a 7 y/o can we ascribe to narcissistic tendencies and not something more mundane like parents spoiling the youngest rotten? Nature vs nurture?
There’s a pretty big age gap between OP and their stepbrother. Might that lead to bias from OP towards the stepbrother?
As for how to deal with it… you can try and get family involved, but there’s a good chance that will backfire on OP, seen as bullying towards the 7 y/o.
Might be best for OP to keep their distance and not involve themselves with the 7 y/o aside from the bare minimum. Move out as soon as you’re able to be physically distant, not just emotionally.
As for the step sister, any family on her side that is willing to intervene? Otherwise just be there for her, figure out an escape plan together?
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>my mom has confided to me that she feels like my step-sister takes after her mother.
That’s gross. Your mom is an adult. She’s projecting shit onto a 10-year-old little girl.
So, the pattern in most abusive families is favoritism- golden child versus scapegoat. Tell them both that whatever horrible people they feel they escaped in their past relationships, *they are now complicit in carrying the trauma over into their new blended family.* Just because they experienced abuse doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t perpetrate it, and neglecting a kid is a form of abuse.
Honestly, they both probably need therapy if they left abusive relationships. It’s great that they are good for each other and it’s generally a more positive relationship, but this is some reenacting of past trauma on both their parts.
But most of all, be a super cool older bro to your little sis and let her know she can always talk to you. You can do a lot to offset lousy parenting in a child’s life by being the one adult who is kind to them.
This is so sad. What happens with scapegoated children is they go low contact or no contact at all with their parents as soon as they possibly can.
So if they continue this, your stepsister won’t show up for family gatherings and holidays. She will feel very emotionally neglected. Attachment issues or Cptsd…. I truly wish her it turns around.
A 7 year old that hits and kicks if he doesn’t get his way? Yowza. Does he have friends? How is it going for him in school?
SO…… a Narcissistic abuse survivor attract another Narcissistic abuse survivor only to BEHAVE LIKE ENABLING Narcissists playing favorites!!! OH GOOD GOD SHE LEARNED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM HER EX
《《I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried bringing this up but it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall. I hate how they treat her, I hate how they’ll scold her for mistakes, but when my brother makes them he’s talked to like he could do no wrong. 》》
GIVE IT TO HER STRAIGHT KID, TELL HER YOUR STEP BROTHER IS ACTING LIKE YOUR DRUG ADDICTED DAD AND YOUR MOM SUPPORTS THAT TYPE OF BEHAVIOR.
Tell her SHE LEARNED NOTHING FROM BEING MARRIED TO YOUR DAD (BIO). AND IT BRINGS YOU SHAME THAT SHE IS PLAYING FAVORITES.
Tell her “If my step-sister refuses to have a relationship WITH YOU when she is an educated adult, THIS IS ON YOU.
As a Narcissistic abuse survivor, people either choose to fix their behavior or find someone that enables their bad ones. She found the perfect enabler, your step-dad.
If your step-dad REFUSES TO HOLD HIS 7 yr son accountable……bet my money when you and your sister are out of the house, both of you will go NO CONTACT with them.
I would come out and say it with the kid right in the room next time he pulls this shit. Look your stepdad right in the eye and tell him he is raising an asshole and he needs to do a better job. If he brushes off all the subtle cues then be direct.
Be there for your step-sister, that is the most important thing. She needs someone in her corner right now, and that’s you.
I wonder if the step-sister looks like the Ex wife and that’s the real reason why they treat her that way. Anyways, OP treat your SS kindly and watch out for her the best you can. I have a feeling it will be hell in that house for her.
I am so upset for your stepsister that her own father is projecting his feelings towards his ex onto her. And it seems your mother is jumping onto that and projecting your father onto her as well.
You’re not going to be able to convince them what they’re doing is wrong. Best I can think of is maybe suggest family therapy to help your blended family bond better. Then you can bring up your concerns with a third party who can hopefully help lead your mom and step dad into realizing what they’re doing. Don’t bring up this idea as, “you treat step sis unfairly and you need therapy,” bring it up as, “I feel like we’re, or at the very least I’m, struggling to fully accept our new family structure due to trauma from dad and step-dad’s ex. It would mean a lot to me if we could go to family therapy, because I really want more than anything for us to be a strong family unit. I just need some help right now.”
If they agree, tell the therapist (probably in an email or without step sis present) about what your mom said about your step sis. A good therapist will immediately connect what is happening.
You’re a really good brother. Keep being there for your step sister; you may end up being the only adult she can rely on.
Your step dad is in NO WAY a ‘cool dude’. He’s allowing your mother to openly abuse a 10 year old child!!!
Your mother deserves (for the sake of sub rules)
a *theoretical* slap in the face of reality. She’s a MONSTER!! Jealousy is always an ugly color, but against a child it is downright maniacal.
Right now it probably seems to that poor child that she has no one. She’s been thrust into a ‘family’ that clearly hate her and that must be the most damaging and terrifying thing a child can go thru.
Forget about your step brother, he clearly has all the support he needs (and pretty much a one way ticket to criminal behaviour if he’s surrounded by this BS)
Is there any way you could perhaps turn this around slightly by offering your step sister a lifeline here? It’s absolutely not your responsibility to do so, but looking at the situation here maybe you could give her some support (take her for a burger, along with you on errands if she wants)?
I wish you luck. And to the future victims of your mother’s , stepfather’s and stepbrother’s (oh he’s a dead cert) web and cycles of abuse….. well, it’s not like anyone involved in the family could’ve predicted this clusterfuck right?
Wow, so your parents are literally becoming the things they ran away from? That’s so shitty but ironic, I know you shouldn’t have to take care of your step bro, but might I suggest watching super nanny on YouTube? She literally makes hour long episodes on how to deal with unruly brats, and it actually works, Might give you some ideas on how to handle your brother and might show your parents how badly this can become
I’d recommend watching some supernanny, perhaps an episode surrounding this issue or similar. Maybe you’ll find something that helps, I know you aren’t the parent but you should be able to stand up to a situation that’s very clearly wrong and has room for improvement. Good luck lol
Jeeeez, your Mom hatin’ on the step daughter is sad. The best you can really do is being in her corner the way you already are. And no you’re not delusional or a bad brother, just remember that it’s more so the parents fault for allowing him to be a little shit
You can’t help your mom be a better parent if she doesn’t want to or thinks she doesn’t have to, unfortunately. You’re not delusional, and likely seeing things from a much clearer perspective than your mom and step-dad coming from abusive relationships. I don’t know the answer on how to “fix” things, other than just suggesting you be there for your step-sister as much as possible and teach your step-brother consequences for his actions. If your parents give you shit, distance your relationship with the step-brother and them and just focus on your step-sister.
> my mom has confided to me that she feels like my step-sister takes after her mother.
I.e. Mom is jealous of her step daughter and is worried about the step daughter “stealing” her man.
Best thing you can do? Try to be the older sibling / parent that the kids NEED vs the ones they want.
Support the holy crap out of step sister. Let her know she’s worthy, loved, respected, etc. Let her know she can trust / confide in you. Lend her an ear to talk to, and give advice to someone you’d be responsible for vs a friend. (i.e. don’t be afraid to tell her the “hard truths”)
On the brother, that’s a bit tricky. Think about where you’d be if you weren’t self aware. How would you want someone to approach you and how would you react. you can’t really discipline him (not your job.) If he’s turning into something you don’t like due to his surroundings, maybe see if you can “steer into the skid.” Start taking him places with you. Start doing activities with him. Model appropriate behavior for him. Have fun with him, and when he starts to act up, dial it back, and explain why.
For both of them, you’d have to be the ideal big brother / father figure they’re both missing.
Model good behavior in front of him constantly. Don’t be afraid to have a real talk with him to set boundaries and expectations. Make it a two way talk, he might have some stuff to air out too.
You are an adult. Yeah you are his brother, but the age difference is enough to wheew you can have a sort of parental impact. Try to shape him into not being a shithead.
Just be hands-on and box your shithead parents out.
Introduce yourself and your step sister to r/raisedbynarcissists
They’ll take good care of you guys
Move out if you can’t handle it. You’re an adult.
You’re a great brother . It’s not you who is wrong.
You’re old enough to be an authority figure to him. So if he’s with you and he tries his manipulative BS, be firm and say, “nice try. I don’t tolerate that crap. It might work with mom and dad, but it won’t work for me, so stop”.
Don’t get loud. Don’t be mean. Be very matter of fact and do not break eye contact until he does.
You’ll see the change. You’ll get to use that same state when he’s with others. He will start to look to you to see if you’re going to call him out. He will stop the crap in a matter of weeks.
Your stepsister is about to enter the tween years of her life where the opinion and the influence of peers is more important than parents. This is a great time for you to be a positive influence in her life to mitigate the damage that they are doing and keep her directed on a good path.
Let her know that you see the favoritism that’s happening so she doesn’t feel so alone. Let her know that you also don’t think it’s fair and you are there for her. Be her confidante and her safe place to talk things out to feel like she’s not alone and that nobody gets how poorly she’s treated.
If you want to you can set up your life to let her come and live with you when she gets old enough. You’ve got about 5-6 years before the little brother is going to be big enough to actually physically harm her and she won’t be able to defend herself. Try to keep a good relationship with the parents so that they will see it as less trouble to let her go and stay with you while they deal with the demon child they’ve created.
Kids in her position who have nobody to advocate for them end up with a bad crowd going about things the wrong way just to cope with the horrible lives. You have the opportunity to literally save her life and keep her college bound and emotionally safe.