Starting to have semi-regular dates with a nice guy. We haven’t had any “why are you single” chats yet, but I anticipate I am going to breach that conversation soon.
I recently divorced (this year) due to DV. I have a protection order and I am moved on, we are full no contact and the relationship had been dying for a year, so I was ready to move on by the divorce.
I am more curious on when is it too much information? Would you drop that in phases? Start with, “I’m divorced, he had anger issues, it didn’t work out.” Eventually reveal the protection order and DV?
I don’t want it to come off as a lot, but I don’t want to withhold and make it seem like I am keeping it a secret. I am emotionally secure and feel comfortable moving forward, I am not going to erase that part of my life, but I am not trying to flaunt it either. He has definitely noticed the triple locks on my doors and the locks on my window, but I think he could chalk it up to single woman living alone too.
Edit: to clarify, I do not believe my ex is a threat to any new person I’m dating.
29 comments
If your ex is a dangerous or possessive type, you owe it to the new guy to let him know. Speaking from experience here. Otherwise, let it come out organically.
Be careful about how and when you divulge information so that you keep yourself safe. You want to make sure you tell your story in increments as you trust someone because you don’t want to attract someone who will use your vulnerability or assess you as someone who can be put in the same position again.
I would just start by saying divorced. Then maybe say he was controlling. Then maybe anger issues. Little by little, over time. Definitely gauge any reaction or pushes for additional info. Be cautious of anyone who is OVERLY interested in appearing like Prince Charming or a savior type as well. They can flip a switch really quickly.
You aren’t keeping secrets. You have boundaries. Private information will be revealed when people have earned your trust. That’s healthy!
I would wait until you feel comfortable and gain some trust in the person
I asked a similar question last year. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now.
First – don’t worry about it coming off as a lot. It’s your experience and your past, own it. You’ve learned and grown from it.
Besides that, just be upfront!
This is really hard to advise on as it’s so personal to each individual. You don’t need to fear telling people at any point, and equally you have no moral obligation to tell people at any point. Any potential partner you’d want to be with would understand if it’s something you kept from them. And also understand why you might prefer to tell them right away. Or anything in between. There’s really no right and wrong here. I’m really glad you got yourself out of that situation.
As a man, this isn’t first date info but anything after that wouldn’t freak me out, especially if you’re comfortable.
I don’t think it matters once the divorce is final. Single is single, reveal your past as you choose to
Remember they ask this because they are blown away that a wonderful creature is not snatched up and a bit dumb about it’s not a great thing to say.
You can just say you are divorced. You don’t have to tell anyone any why’s when dating. That weird compulsion to explain comes from inside of us–
You don’t really need to do it you can just say generic things like it was a bad situation if you really feel the need to say anything beyond “it didn’t work out”
And later when you’re more with someone you can open up more.
As somebody who has been there…I’m probably never going to divulge it. It luckily doesn’t effect my intimate relationships and i dont see it enhancing my relationships to bring it up…i dont think my spouse needs to know everything about me. Especially those details. Thats just me tho
I’d either let him ask you about your prior relationships, and then be honest with him when you answer, or I would tell him when you feel like you WANT to tell him. This isn’t something that should be a red flag for him because you were a victim. So, unlike say having a child or having a strong religious attachment, there is no real reason he need know unless he wants to know or you want to tell him.
I’ve tried to gently talk about my past with previous partners and to be honest a couple, unpredictably, used it later on when they were being super toxic. Sort of like a “hey I know how I can deal with her” moment for them. So I would definitely play it by ear and disclose less than you feel like you want to.
People have to earn your trust remember that. Also, a DV survivor
I divorced about a year and a half ago due to the same reasons. Don’t disclose too soon as they may use it against you if you’re still unable to identify those red flags. I’ve found about 6 week/6 dates is an okay time. He knows I’m divorced pretty much around the first date, but I keep the more extreme details to myself until the trust is formed. Mainly to help explain some of my behaviors (ex: I flinch and jump easily, am sensitive to when a person raises their voice, etc.). For the raising their voice part, that’s just a sign that it isn’t a good fit.!
I did not get a DV charge or protective order. But I had circumstantial proof that my ex was planning to have me killed (he tried to get me to take out $1M in life insurance right after he told his mistress that he would end his marriage). He threatened me with violence verbally before the divorce.
I’m stuck co-parenting with him. I only communicate with him in writing through a court app. He can not enter my home, and I won’t be alone with him ever. We do not trade custody times or deviate from the court order.
I’m suing him now for not paying me money in the divorce decree, and for stealing and emptying my accounts that the judge awarded me.
I WAY overshared in early dates. I either scared the guy off or put a target on my back for other abusers.
Now I avoid the subject and try not to talk about it. I’ll tell someone I parallel parent and don’t interact with my ex much. It is tricky because I have some trauma triggers from the infidelity. I would probably want to date someone exclusively before sharing more details.
I’ve had to learn that I don’t owe anyone my story. I won’t lie, but I don’t have to disclose everything immediately. It is a really hard balance. *hugs*
I haven’t figured it out yet either.
My friends say I don’t owe any one anything and should just say things didn’t work out in my first marriage. I’m afraid if I do that I’m being dishonest. Also when I say things like that I actually have guys ask if I have commitment issues.
I dont want to over indulge because what if they think I’m just lying to cover up my portion of accountability in the divorce. What if now I just look like a girl who likes to rag on her ex (I don’t. I get along with most of them- and I haven’t had that many to begin with).
I also don’t want to say something that makes me look like a victim or someone who needs protection or something.
I’ve been taking a dating hiatus. But 2 years after the divorce it hasn’t gotten any easier to explain
I wouldn’t ever worry about coming across as too much, as you 100% are not.
I was engaged to someone and left the relationship because of their substance and emotional abuse. It has been 5 years since the relationship ended and I am now 4 months into what feels like a really lovely relationship.
I found with dating, often people will ask “have you been married” those types of questions. I always answer honestly and say something like “I was engaged, there were a lot of layers to it all, and if we continue to spend time together I’ll share some of my experiences.”
People have always been supportive when I’ve said that, and I haven’t had anyone try and dig further. I told my current partner more details after about a month, and then things sort of now just come out as they need to come out? I also found that even after 5 years I do have some triggers that I’m still working on and it has been really helpful to have a supportive partner understand some aspects of my experiences.
For me, it felt really important to share, but others may not feel the same.
Personally, unless it affects your interactions with him, I’m not sure that the circumstances of the divorce are important right now.
Just let him know you are divorced. There is a good chance, at least in the early dating, he won’t ask too many questions about why. But once you are getting serious, its probably something to mention
I have found it’s easiest to say we got divorced due to his abusiveness. Simple!
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As someone who dated a guy who turned addict and emotionally unavailable/cold and ended it to a few years later dating again, if I could go back and change anything, it would be when I mentioned my past trauma from the first guy I mention. The second guy sounded like prince charming, condemning all his wrong doings and assuring me constantly he was the opposite and speaking of his big long term goals for us. About a year in, he became abusive and far worse than the first guy I left. I realized and know going forward now, that there are men out there that will use your vulnerabilities to their advantage. Protect yourself, protect yourself, protect yourself. This means, go very slow and really get to know the person for who they are without them knowing about the DV. That’s my new approach anyways. It hurts way too much for me to handle opening up again to someone only to have them try to destroy me further. If he is the right guy, he will be patient and respectful of your timing in being ready to share such things with him. This is sensitive information however that must be earned through actions on his part.
Unless it has something directly to do with your current relationship, don’t bring it up.
“We just didn’t work out.” is plenty. Most women don’t know I’ve been widowed or even have kids unless they ask, and even then I don’t talk about my wife or kids until far into the relationship – if it goes that far.
Kids? Yep 2. Boy and girl. Both grown.
Married? Widowed.
Can I ask what happened? Car accident. How’s your steak?
I’m a dating violence survivor and a woman who lives alone and I don’t really tell people either of those things. I don’t disclose that I live alone to men on internet dating. Not due to safety concerns, but because criminally horny losers will take it as an invitation and try to steer the conversation towards them getting invited over. I’m fine with telling people when we’re actually at the meeting in person stage though. As for having an abusive ex, unless things trigger you and you need to tell the person (which I’m assuming is a problem you don’t have) I don’t think the abuse will have a way to randomly come up in conversation. Neither of you is obligated to disclose the worst shit that’s ever happened to you, it’s not a logo that you have to stamp on yourself for the rest of your life. I feel like abuse victims get told to “tell their story” and “be brave” so often by GirlBoss MeToo Society bullshit that we forget that we are more than the stuff that happened to us and that we don’t HAVE to constantly talk about it.
HTH + GL
Read some replies, gonna go against the stream and say once you’ve decided you wanna commit tell him beforehand.
Why? ‘Cause white lies or omitting the truth early to gradually trickle truth it out over time and use the words **boundries** signals deep mistrust and is frankly a bit disrespectful.
I’m sure he’d understand tho given what you’ve had to go through and the lengths to get to where you are (in some sense obv).
But.. perspective? If it was the other way around?
**Wouldn’t you wanna know early on if there was a raging psycho bitch in his past that he had to have a court mandate to keep away and that made him reinforce his home?**
Keep yourself safe if they same worth a 3 or fourth date tell them.
I think I would find a way to mention it early on just so he doesn’t wonder about stuff like the locks. I mean I can’t speak for all guys but the DV victim aspect wouldn’t bother me at all and knowing about it might help me be more understanding and avoid or tread carefully around certain topics. IMO it isn’t something you should be ashamed of, it isn’t your fault and good for you on getting out.
I’ve struggled with this as well. I usually started off just saying that we didn’t mesh well (his fist, in fact, did not mesh well with my face) and only divulged more once I trust people more.
I once told someone too fast, and he used it against when I called him on bad behavior, saying “at least I don’t hit you.” I walked away instantly.
You don’t have to tell them anything. Tell them what you want to when you are comfortable. No one is entitled to that information. Just say it didn’t work out.
I always say divorced and site another issue in the relationship. I never disclose I’m a DV when casually dating.
Honestly, you shouldn’t.
Manipulative men will secretly love the fact that you e been abused before, and will know that you will be easier to control than other targets because it’s happened to you before.
Good men who aren’t manipulative, may consider it a red flag and/or judge you unfairly for it.
I say you keep reasons for the divorce very vague. You can share the truth when you are in a loving, safe, committed relationship with someone, if at all.