I made a Discord server for my friends and I over a year ago and we all voice chat nearly every day. Some time during one of our sessions, one of my friends mentions an activity they planned with others in a separate group chat, which of course I’m not a part of. While they’re nice and invite me to join them, I just wonder why they don’t add me directly to said group chat. We’ve all been friends for well over five years now, but I don’t want to be pushy and confront them about it. This isn’t the first time it happened either, since everyone else would coordinate with one-another and invite me last minute, expecting me to know the time and place of our next hangout. There’s probably a reason why, and I’m definitely that reason, but I just hope it’s not because they despise me and are taking pity on me.
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Maybe think about life differences? Do those of them on the chat have different work hours and don’t want to send you alerts? Live in a different part of the city so have the ability to meet up easier? Have one interest you don’t necessarily share? Make jokes about not liking group chats in the past? Respond way too often on group chats? All options that are much more minor than secret hatred
They wouldn’t invite you out if they didn’t like you. I’d just ask for an invite to the group chat.
Listen. If I were you, I’d not give a fuck. If they wanted to add you to the group chat, they would have done it already. They didn’t and you cannot know why. Imagine you’re right and they didn’t add you because of you? What kind of response do you think they will give to you?
Find other friends. Find friends in person. Don’t hung on these forever. You have to be independent. You don’t need to cut ties with them. I’ve made friends online and most of them ended up disappearing from my life.
In short, you must to not care. If they don’t add you, don’t even bother. Stay chill. That’s all. Don’t overthink
Ask, if they come up with a lame excuse, they are not you friends as you typed, then leave.
Life’s too short to spend it with people who don’t see value in you.
Is there one person you’re particularly close to? Maybe ask them what’s up.
Could be that the group chats are for specific topics among the friend group?
My friends of 8 years would often do this and only invite a select few that are interested in the topic. It used to bother me then I realized that they really were just for specific topics and eventually I stopped caring and we were all still close friends nonetheless.
For example I’ve been excluded from a fantasy football group chat which I initially was curious about only to be invited later and immediately got bored of because fantasy football wasn’t my thing.
Another was for a specific mmorpg that a few of my friends played. Again I was initially curious only to realize that man I see why they didn’t invite me. It wasn’t all that interesting to me and I ended up not talking there at all.
There’s also a few that I was interested in and I understand why we wouldn’t invite some from the main group chat for the same reason why I wasn’t initially invited in the other ones.
Don’t ask, you already know why. They like you, but they don’t like you that much. If you ask it’s gonna make it weird. Honestly some people are just like that, can make friends but nobody wants them too close, you might be one of those people if this kind of thing has happened a lot in life or this is just a one off scenario but either way it’s not an accident you’re not in the chat, it was a deliberate decision and if you ask it’s gonna make it weird
I think it could be different and simpler. They have a group chat. You aren’t in it. No reason just that is how it ended up. You are someone that isn’t in the group chat so they try to remember to include you. No one is asking because now one really thinks about it and assume there is a reason and you never bring it up. Just ask and if it turns out there is a reason no sweat. Why go through life with this irritant when it is so easily resolved. And why ask us since none of us know but are good at coming up with crazy reasons why.
I’ve been on both sides of this situation while in Uni. My advice is don’t think too hard about this, and don’t take it too personally. See them only the same way they see you, as last minutes. In my personal experience, group chats never miss someone out just like that. If they do, it’s almost always intentional. Don’t be pushy about it (don’t ask it randomly out of nowhere), ask them really nicely and casually whenever this subject pops up.
From what you said, I don’t think they despise you. They may take pity on you a couple of times maybe, but more than that, I think the real reason is that they simply don’t care about your presence. Again, don’t take it personally, just let it be and find a group where you’re valued or where you’re more suited.
An idea I have tho is that the next time they invite you last minute, let them plan stuff including you, and cancel last minute. This might be a neat way to remind them that you’re not part of the group chat and hence you get the invites only at the last moment. If they actually forgot, you’ll know it. But if they didn’t, they’ll know that you’re not a fool.
They don’t despise you but they also probably don’t like you enough to want to be closer with you. Sorry. I’d find more considerate friends.
Let’s look in an alternate way, the group chat may have been created for a particular purpose in the past that you weren’t part of. When the initial purpose has been fulfilled, they may have used it for general conversation. I don’t think there is any bad intention at all.
Well, why should people invite you to the group chat ? Being lonely is not a valid reason. People invite you when there is a reason to do so. Merely being kind, respectful, etc., are not traits that people necessarily look for, although you should have them. Are you a fun and exciting person to be around ? Do you impact or bring any value to other people ?
Most people want to be around somebody with exhibits good social skills. So How are your conversations with other people ? Do you have good social skills ? Do you listen to people when they speak, and do you speak when it is your turn to do so ? Oh, and when it is your turn to speak, do you speak with confidence and bring positive energy ? Or are you anxious and quiet ? All of these things are what people notice about you. You need to be exhibiting social skills right from the start. If you aren’t doing so, then you will be perceived as antisocial and you can’t expect people to include you into things. In general, Nobody cares why you are antisocial; they just make the judgement that you aren’t somebody they want to be around. You are how you act. Period.
Most people also like somebody who actively works towards something in life and accomplishes things in life such as goals, hobbies, skills, talents, etc. You need to establish yourself in something i.e. get good or excellent at something that people value or desire, and build a good reputation. But you yourself need to act and carry yourself in a respectable way. People should actually respect you.
The reality is in adulthood, you are judged by how you act around people in social situations, as well as what you do/accomplish in your life, and how you impact/deliver value to other people. Focus on those things.