This is a hypothetical question, but one most women struggle with. Men, what is wrong with asking “what are we”?

26 comments

  1. It’s usually asked at the worst possible time or the most annoying time. Like if it’s being asked after you said “babe can we talk?” Ok. But rarely ever has it been.

  2. Because we know this is nothing more than sexual attraction but you can’t just say that so it’s awkward

  3. Depends on the ask. Sometimes it’s fine. Sometimes it comes out of the blue and it’s a timing/circumstance issue. Sometimes it’s a “I’m happy with whatever’s happening now and this conversation is going to end that either by formalizing it and putting on more rules or by ending the relationship entirely” issue.

  4. I have been asked this once and I thought it was a really stupid question because we were sending the L word to each other on a regular basis. Like… of course we were a thing and exclusive. I’m currently going through this same phenomenon with my FWB

    If he is constantly avoiding this question, it’s probably because he doesn’t want a serious relationship but he doesn’t want to outright tell you that because he worries any answer he gives besides “Yes we are a couple and we should be exclusive” will hurt your feelings/start a fight.

    He’s trying to avoid rocking the boat.

  5. I don’t understand? Like a person I’m seeing asking me, “what are we?”

    Or a person asking, “what are we [men]?”

    There isn’t anything wrong with asking that question. I guess you’re kind of forcing them to choose? But also, sh*t or get off the pot, be honest about what you want.

    As for, what are men? I dunno… It depends on the man.

  6. I’m male and I prefer this question because barring my teens and early 20s, I don’t play around, do any situationships, pseudo-friendships with questionable boundaries etc. And I’m blunt about it. Strictly platonic or committed. So my guess is the only thing “wrong” about this question is that it’s with someone whose intentions/wavelength aren’t the same as yours

    The only exception I can make is if it’s the courting phase it can be good to not prematurely put a label on something and let it develop organically

  7. Depends where your at in the relationship

    * 2nd date too early to ask or define
    * 2nd time sleeping together – yea, that’s an acceptable question

  8. She is putting on me making the decision on what our relationship is. Which is hard to answer because I don’t know exactly as well, nor do I know what she wants our relationship to be.

    What do I answer that is going to change nothing if I like the way we are at that moment?

    My answer going to change what our relationship is and how she sees me.

    So I’m guessing what we are, guessing what I want to say, guessing what she wants to hear, trying to nt hurt feelings, trying to not be too clingy / open.

  9. Nothing. It may be hard to give an answer though. I have been asked that when I was in a relationship I didn’t see working out and it was a real struggle to give an answer that didn’t sound terrible. Not really good to be like. “we are friends of convenience with the possibility to sex”, or “we are only together because you are super hot and I am having fun”

  10. Titles don’t mean anything. I mean ask any divorced man: they could have been married for 25 years and the wife starts cheating or decides to divorce him. If we’re not married, then it’s even easier (for either party). The only thing I wouldn’t do is sleeping with multiple women at the same time without their knowledge.

    Some men are more likely to fall for these tactics. Have at them

  11. “What are we?” as in assessing the state of a relationship? I think that the problem is that the wording (and usually accompanying tone) imply exasperation. It generally implies that the asker is at their wits end and looking for any excuse to end the relationship. The person asked immediately feels like of they don’t give the “correct” response the relationship is over. That in turn leads to resentment on the part of the person asked: “why is this all on me?”

    I don’t see any good that can come of it. That’s not to say you can’t ask/talk about what a relationship is or where it’s going, but don’t do ut with the blunt “what are we?”

  12. I think youll find that most men think the question itself is fine, but that it’s the pressure which often accompanies the question that poses the problem.

  13. Depends on how early you ask and how often. I prefer it feel organic though. I don’t know why women obsess about labels so much.

  14. It can force me to verbalize where she’s falling short for her desired labels. That’s not a comfortable conversation to have and could push us apart sooner than I want.

  15. Instead of “what are we?” Why not tell him “I want to be exclusive with you, if you don’t want to I’m moving on”. That’s giving him a choice.

  16. It’s a stupid question.

    Are you in a romantic relationship?

    If yes, then you are a couple.

    If no, you are friends.

    Are you married?

    If yes, you are spouses.

    If no, you are an unmarried couple.

    If you need to ask, there’s something fucking wrong with you.

  17. It forces us to lie to you.

    The real answer is we are in a holding pattern and confirming there isn’t an upgrade coming along but are too lazy or busy at the moment to look.

    We can’t tell you that though, so we have to make something up on the spot.

  18. It’s a loaded question with possibly no good answer. Asking “what are we” really means “declare your expectations without me telling you mine”. Unspoken expectations are toxic and destructive in general, and a question that (maybe, maybe not) means asking the man to match your unspoken expectations, or even asking him to look too deeply into his own, is perfect recipe to add toxicity to otherwise healthy relation. Not to mention, it makes you look insecure and needy, and makes man feel used to contain your insecurities rather than interesting as himself.

  20. This is more of a communication & boundries issue rather than a “Men, what is wrong . . .” Ladies, you should never be in a position where you have an involvement with a man AND not clearly know what it is, where its going and what the intentions are. Men, dont be a dick and be vague to ladies about your intentions. If you two dont align and cant settle on a simple, “Are we this or that” what the fuck are you really doing…lifes TOO short to be playing games.

  21. It puts the impetus on us to declare what the nature of our relationship is.

    Take ownership of how you feel. Say “I want to be exclusive.” Because if you ask us what we are, and my answer isn’t something you want to hear, it’s going to ruin what we have going because now your feelings are hurt.

  22. Nothing wrong with it, just depends who asks and what both parties want. 1 person naturally always cares more than the other. Whoever asks is in the other person’s frame/lead in the relationship. Obviously if you ask then you are the one that cares more about what it is and is more vulnerable than the other. Guys are only worried about this question if they don’t want compromise and know you wont take a non commitment stance well. If he doesnt care, you’ll know, dude wont flinch when he tells you its just for fun. If hes awkward about it but then says yes to commitment then he didnt really want it but felt pressured since youre the best but unsure thing hes currently got going on. If you ask and he wants commitment with you, again he wont flinch, its an easy no brainer response that he probably assumed you already understood.

  23. Nothing is wrong with it, if he has an issue with it then you are wasting your time on a dead-end, unless it’s like a 3rd date, then you’re the issue lol.

  24. That all depends. What’s wrong with answering “carbon-based multicellular bipedal life forms”?

  25. The question itself is fine, the delivery & timing of it is what I picture most guys have an issue with

    If you ask that at the end of the first date, it’s gonna be a terrible/awkward result

    If you ask in a tone that seems annoyed like “you better give a good answer” as opposed to a tone that’s more neutral/you won’t be upset no matter what their reaction is, you’ll get a defensive reaction

    Unless you’re 100% sure they want exactly what you want

    Honestly the right way to go about it is discuss future goals, take alllll the time you need with that, even decades down the line, kids/no kids, marriage etc the full list

    THEN if everything lines up, ask what their thoughts are on becoming official

    I think the literal phrase “what are we” has gained such a negative association these days from bad date stories as well as movies/shows etc

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