Wife and I have been together for a very long time. We have kids together and live very busy lives. Sometimes, when we have sex, it gets going so well she says I can do whatever I want. She knows I’m willing to try and want to try a lot of things. The problem is she says she doesn’t have any fantasies. We have pretty good communication, but when it comes to sex, the communication is lacking at times. I wouldn’t call her a prude by any means as we have done blindfolds, dildo DP, 69, and some other things. However, she never tells me what she wants. She says, “Do whatever you want.” One would think that opens the door for anything, but I want kinky and new things to explore and have fun with her. I am a pleaser and want to make sure she it taken care of, but I have no idea what she wants or how far she will let me take it. I also want her to be into it and / or tell me she isn’t.
Has anyone else experienced this? When she says, “Do whatever you want,” it’s in a sexy voice, but I’m not sure what she would be okay with. What would you try to do??
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My wife is the same way….”I don’t have any fantasies” is all she says…she used to watch porn and It was all FFM but I can’t pry anything out of her. We’ve been together 10 years. Good luck I hope you work it out
I’m her. I have no turn ons or kinks or fantasies. I can’t explain it, I’m extremely shy in bed to the point I’ve avoided sexual contact for years now. But yeah, nothing gets me going.
My wife generally only opens up about her fantasies, or as she puts it, her ‘wants to try’ ideas by way of emails. She’ll write me an email with a basic scenario of it. I think it’s because she’s shy about saying it out loud or because she doesn’t have to deal w/ my immediate reaction in case I wouldn’t like it.
My wife is the same.
I am just as vanilla so we rarely venture outside of basic missionary.
It seems to work for us.
Some people’s fantasy is to be used for the pleasure of their partner – however the fuck their partner wants to use them. To be a “fuck toy”. It’s possible this is her basic thing. It’s also possible she just doesn’t have much of any kinks and is just happy to go along to get along.
“do whatever you want to me”, is that not a type of kink?
I have a lot of desires and kinks that my husband is aware of but not quite 100% onboard with.
When I tell him, “you can do whatever you want with me” it’s me saying I want you to use my body for your pleasure. That turns me on. I also hope that when I say that, I will (or he will) discover some hidden kinks that he has. He is like your wife. He can’t think of any kinky things that he is into and wants to try.
My gf was very inexperienced when we started dating and similar to your wife had no fantasies.
So I made it a “game” or a “challange” to myself to think and research stuff to try on and with her.
I took charge and it’s been amazing and she’s developed a few kinks of her own in the process. Also we found out together that she is able to have multiple orgasms so keep that in mind, maybe make a session all about her and try to make her orgasm more than once and in different ways.
Go wild with it, she may have a domination kink (don’t know if it’s called that) but my gf gets really turned on when I just take control, but always check if she is having fun / finding pleasure in what’s happening, if not, change and try something else.
Some potential suggestions:
The “2 minute game” – each of you takes turns to choose what you do for two full minutes. Set a timer and enjoy. Swap every two minutes. You can use instructions like “I want you to x me here..” or “I want you to do this, very slowly..” etc. Start out fully clothed, and with simple things like kissing and touching.. then see where the journey takes you. And you can play the game as many times as you like.. because you’ll get a different ending every time. The beauty of this is that it will teach her to get in touch with her body and desires, and will help each of you communicate with each other better.
The traffic light system.. can be used anytime. GREEN we are still good, YELLOW stop and check in (something might need adjusting or not feel quite right, or the person might be overwhelmed or unsure and needs a moment), RED stop all play immediately (depending upon what you’re doing, it might mean just stop play for now and we can resume in a little while when I’m ready, or it might mean I need to stop completely, or maybe end the scene if it’s BDSM related). You can use this to check in to see if activities you’re doing are enjoyable and on point for her “Are we still green?” Or “Traffic light?” And she can use that herself whenever she feels like it to communicate. This will help with the question of, does she want this and how far can I take it.
And ASK her “I want to try this.. how would that feel for you?”.. “I saw this and thought it was hot, would you like to try it? If so, how hard would you like me to start?” for example. Ask her during too. Guide her to also add her own commands, descriptions and wording into the mix. Words like harder, faster, slower, softer, firmer. And it doesn’t have be super serious and feel awkward or bossy, a great way to do this can be incorporating dirty talk. “I really like it when you go super slow with your tongue” or “I’m imagining you doing x, y, z right now..” for example..
If you want to try new things, write down a list, and ask her to write down her own. Each time you play together, you try something new off someone’s list. She can use the internet to search ideas if she’s not got any of her own. Or, if she’s really stuck initially, she can write down things you’ve already done together but add something to it. This is about sparking communication and creativity. Be brave. Don’t hold yourself back. If you’re holding back, you’re encouraging her holding back too.
Speaking your desires, kinks and fantasies out loud can be a bit intimidating at first, but life is short, what’s the point in holding back? And you might find that flying your freak flag will allow her to fly hers too. Maybe you even share some of the same kinks, deep down that she’s either unaware of or too scared to say for fear of rejection (same as you). Be honest, open and courageous, and go for it. The worst she can say is no thank you to that one, but yes please to that one, and then you know the answer and move on.
Communication before, during and after sex is a learned skill. It can take time and practice. Some people might have “no fantasy’s” but most just don’t know how to access them or describe them. The best we can do is be open and playful when it comes to our own, and create a safe space for their fantasies or ideas to come out when/if the other person is ready.
Hope some of that helps 👍
Yes. My wife says she has no fantasies. She has no interest in sex at all. Never things about it and approaches it like a chore.
It sucks. So boring.
My wife is the same. She’s in control out of the bedroom but super submissive in the bedroom. She wants me to take control and do whatever I want and order her around. This is fine but I want her to tell me what she likes and wants to try as well. The only way I’ve gotten anything out of her is drinking some wine and no kids in the house. One time she said she wanted to watch some porn so I took that opportunity to make her tell me what category. She kept saying you choose, but I kept saying it was your idea. She finally said FFM, very sheepishly. This opened up so much dirty talk. Mostly over text when we’re apart from work and we can have a glass of wine and relax. If the texts start turning to sexts then I’ll take it down the FFM route and she will actually open up some. So hot. Good luck, if you can get a kink or 2 out of her it really spices things up.
I have two thoughts as a fellow wife/mother. It can be very exhausting to constantly feel like you’re responsible for making decisions, managing everybody’s problems, staying on top of everything with the house/kids/partner/etc. — which is the default position of mothers. So perhaps during sex she just doesn’t want to have to think or make any decisions at all and genuinely just wants to go along for the ride with you where YOU lead it. Her enjoyment partially stems from just being able to or present verses needing to do or think anything.
Or, she may genuinely mean “do whatever you want” ie her “kink” so to speak is a derivative of free use. This is not something to cannonball into but maybe you can make a list of things you’d like to try over time, have her rate what she’s interested in, and then you have a road map of things to try where you’re still leading by saying “okay tonight I’m going to do X to you” but you know she’s down for it because she’s already given approval. That will also probably make it feel like more of a team effort.
It sounds like she’s just down for what ever turns u on I wouldn’t mine a wife like that mine is worse all she does is 3 moved and doesn’t like trying new things
My husband is your wife. We have had many talks about this – he’s fine with whatever I bring to table. No matter how much I ask he’s always – nop. I’m good – tru sonething new? what u want? I get that it’s sometimes frustrating. But some people do not have kinks or very active sex imagination. So I just use mine for both of us. Also not a bad deal. But yeee, I get the fustration.
Sounds like ” do whatever you want” is her kink friend.
Have a convo outside of sex ” hey when you say… tell me what’s off limits or what you’re hoping for? It’s super sexy that you’re willing to let me have you that way; but I wanted to get some clarity first so we can both fully enjoy it.”
Sounds like my wife, she will say, just get me off, that’s her goal and she’s happy. She never tries something new on her own but is willing to go with my ideas
You should introduce her to this sub and let her explore / understand more about kinks.
I have to say for me the more I read, the more I am awaire of how reality vs. fantasy works.
Before strarting to read a lot from this sub I only had some ideas and idk I even thought that I know a lot of things, don’t get me wrong me and my husband tryed a lot of things before but somehow I got to understand myself and other things way more better, also helped me get over some mental barriers that were there.
What I am trying to say is than maybe she didn’t thought about sex that hard.
I say this as a women (please don’t take it wrong) but sometimes, maybe some ladys don’t put a lot of thinking about into sex because it’s something that some of us assume comes more naturally to man…
When I was younger I kinda worked like that up until I understood it is not one sided.
Wish my wife would tell me to do whatever I want😂
Some people genuinely have no fantasies? I have an active imagination and write fiction as a result, but sexual fantasy isn’t my forte. I got curious in the past about kinks and tried a few, but found a lot of stuff I found interesting in theory wasn’t actually arousing to me in real life.
I like my sex life and don’t really picture anything when I masturbate, don’t watch porn, etc. I do read erotic fanfic at times, but I prefer to read m/m so it has no application to my m/f relationship.
You gotta just start trying things and see what sticks don’t overthink it so much
You are me. Wife is the same way. She just is reserved. I think she feels like admitting fantasies is too vulnerable and she doesn’t want to admit that something really makes her feel excited in that way.
I think she’s probably shy about it, even though you’ve been together a long time. Also she might like that you take control but doesn’t know how to voice that which results in “ do whatever you want “ but i would try maybe surprising her like rather than knowing you’re about to have sex maybe like unexpectedly while she’s in the kitchen or watching tv on the couch you can blind fold her and then go from there 🤔
Your wife probably wants to explore whatever you like. She feels safe enough to let you lead. That’s how I used to be. Lead her, figure out how you like to touch each other.
Tbh I’m afraid of talking about that stuff because it usually just turns a wholesome relationship into living in the Playboy Mansion. I don’t wanna do freaky shit all the time. Tbh, it’s to the point where I don’t really even like sex anymore, lol. I definitely can’t say the same for your wife. I’m just tired of being used.
For example, I’m bi, I explain this to most of my partners (past and present partners, im monogamous), and then every sexual interaction I’m being asked if I’m thinking about women. I’m just done. Lmfao. It’s so boring and loveless. It’s much easier to stfu and let them use me. I know I am probably never going to get what I want.
I thought I liked it before, but I don’t get much from being an object at all. Most people tell me I might be demisexual or asexual but I’m definitely not. I love sex. I just want to enjoy sex without it being all about how I can be used for his pleasure, and of course, I enjoy pleasuring my partner, but… how about me? It doesn’t please me when my partner is telling me things I’ve expressed make me uncomfortable during sex. Of course, these men are having fantasies about me with other women. Cool, it’s not like that doesn’t cross my mind now and then. But I want to focus ONLY on the person I’m making love to… pulling random or imaginary people in doesn’t really help??? Maybe that’s just me, but I always express to people how uncomfortable that makes me… it never seems to be received! It’s a never-ending battle! Bisexual, but monogamous! You all need to let the stereotypes die about bi people because this is the result of people actually believing them. Lmfao. Anyways…
It may just be me, but this feels like the new norm, and I hate it. I’m tired of being treated like a toy, and I’m tired of constantly expressing the need for more than that just to be ignored anyway. Maybe I just have a lot of trauma to be healed. But it just feels like when you give these guys in inch, they take 60 miles. At least, that’s how it’s been for me. I’ve been trying to heal by myself now and then. It’s hard, but I hope I unlearn how I suffer in sex but find ways to actually enjoy myself. Preferably, BY MYSELF. I know what I like, and I definitely know what I do NOT enjoy. I’m going to go ahead and do this by listening to myself… and to stop giving the benefit of the doubt to people who clearly do not listen.
I had a similar situation with my ex-wife. She just never seemed to actually *want* anything so it just got boring. One of the biggest reasons why we’re ex as it contributed to so many issues. So unfortunately no idea how to help from me.
“Do whatever you want”, that is her fantasy! She wants you to take control of her and fuck me like you own her. Take what you want with no regard for her opinions. Slam your cock into her asshole and tell her to take it like the slut she is.
It isn’t impossible she does not have fantasies or kinks. For example she could be asexual, or have a very low libido, but continues to have sex with you regularly because she loves you and knows it’s important to you–this is not unheard of.
HOWEVER, my inclination (and experience) says to me the most likely scenario is that she does have kinks and fantasies, but–like a lot of people–feels some shame about them and is really uncomfortable talking about them with anyone… including her husband.
Following because same…
this may or may not be the case, but she may have things but just be too embarrassed to speak on them. i have things that i’m so embarrassed about that it’s like pulling teeth to get me to vocalize them. like seriously, there are times when i just wanna take it to the grave. i feel that women in particular are not expected or encouraged to explore their desires and pleasures, as historically sex is such a male-centric concept. it’s so sweet that you are such a pleaser and want to take care of her! i would say just simply affirm her verbally and otherwise that you love her and are so into whatever her sexual preferences are, vanilla or otherwise
I feel like I could have written this post… I wish I had some advice but I haven’t figured it out yet… I’m thinking about trying to get her into reading Reddit posts and hoping she follows the white rabbit down some of the kinky rabbit holes I have found but I’m nervous to push the issue
If she says “you can do whatever you want” then do what whatever you want…… just do it slowly so she has chance to object if it’s further than she meant
I’m dealing with the same issue. 42 years old, and been with my wife for 21 years. And I have never been able to knock down the wall she’s built when it comes to sex. Absolutely will not talk about it at all. And tells me she has no kinks or fantasies either. If anyone can find a solution, I’m all ears!
“Do whatever you want” is one of the dumbest hinges you can say during sex. Some people are into really extreme shit!
Maybe you did all the fantasies already.
Or her kink is being “used” how ever you want.
As long as she agrees, try some shit.
since she’s been willing to do DP will you and a dildo, maybe propose anal sex. Maybe she wants that, but won’t ask for it.
Or do the dildo DP again and ask her if she wants you or “the other cock” in her ass. Ask who’s “cock” she wants in her pussy.
I am 37F and never had sexual fantasies either. I like sex and everything. Just isn’t something I have fantasies about.
I was like this with my ex. I was honestly super super satisfied with our sex life and didn’t need more. I’m now a little older and know myself more and what I have is a pleasing kink and a praise kink. Why don’t you tell her some of your fantasies and see what she says?
Maybe her kink is just to be dominated. Try doing that for her. It might turn into one of the best experiences between you two.
I am sub in bed, and would love my partner to share what he wants to do to me/with me and then discuss any parameters before going at it. I really have no great unfulfilled fantasies or needs, but I’m happy to explore. He keeps pushing for what I want and I really can’t answer. It’s absolutely a sub thing to feel.
First of all if she says “do whatever you want to do with me” she trusts you which is great 👍
Second if she says she doesn’t have any fantasies and/or kinks doesn’t mean it really is that way…
Maybe she is too shy, too ashamed to tell you, not creative, too tired to think about it, absolute submissive , she wants you to take control or she is simply boring or asexual…
Maybe some other alternatives…
If she doesn’t react to any of your suggestions don’t make suggestions anymore, tell her what you are doing next, leave a short amount of time for her to back out and go on with your fantasies…
If you need her cooperation tell her “I want you to…” (e.g. bend over the kitchen desk, reach back and spread your ass cheeks, let you head hang over the bed side, stand in front of the window, take off your panties (in the supermarket), never use a bra from now on,…)
Tell her that if she wants you to stop at any time she has to tell you to stop otherwise you will go on with what you want to do with her.
Don’t be afraid of telling her what you want to do to her bc she is the one who gave you this opportunity…
Now use it!
I don’t know, I’m like that too. And in my case at least it literally means do w h a t e v e r you want. Go crazy lmao
At that point I’d just piss on her tits lol.
I am (48F) and Ive never vocalized a fantasy to any partner. Most of what I call my fantasies revolve around feeling desired. Specific scenarios if you will, a kiss on the neck while your hands are on my hips from behind while I’m doing dishes (loving act) progresses into a hand up my shirt and leads to a hand down my pants type stuff. Things that in my brain translate to feeling desired, like my man just wants me right then. When someone says what are your fantasies I would simply say I don’t have any because in the traditional sense of threesomes, BDSM, CNC etc I don’t. Maybe ask how she would like you to show your desire for her instead. Just a thought to open up some perspective.