My bf told me to “sound like I enjoy it” last night

lol yeah, the title…

prefacing this to say I do watch a lot of porn and have some sexual trauma from childhood.

so last night me and my bf were doing the deed, he had me tied up to the bed (nothing new for us) and he was doing his thing. he had asked me if I liked it at some point and I said yeah, mind you I tend to moan pretty loudly accidentally usually so I know that can be a lot (I’m very quiet on my own tho so idk if it’s the porn making me be like that or not).

then he goes “sound like you enjoy it.” and in the moment I thought he meant I sounded like I wasn’t enjoying it even tho I was moaning, I’ve always been a little insecure about my moans cuz they don’t sound as hot as other girls I’ve heard and so I figured that was what he was talking about. but then it dawned on me… was I enjoying this?

we dabble in cnc sometimes (I brought it up) and ofc in those times I kinda act like I don’t like it but now I’m realizing I think i act like that all the time. to the point that I don’t even remember what it’s like to have sex just to feel good. just for intimacy and pleasure. my mind goes straight to being used like a toy and his pleasure but not mine. like yeah PIV feels good but it’s not something I usually finish from and I prefer clit orgasms anyways.

we are already on a break from cnc bc it was messing with my head a bit and I try not to watch porn too often anymore even if he’s not home cuz I know that’s not going to help (at this point all I watch is cnc and rough stuff).

I guess my reason for writing this is, how do I enjoy sex? or start teaching myself to. I prefer to handle myself than have sex now. I’m still as horny as ever but I’m never in the mood for sex. we still have sex 1-3 times a week (I fall asleep really early sometimes so we miss out) but it’s not the same as it used to be.