So I (29F) found empty packets of viagra hidden in my partners (30M) things. We’ve been dating around 6 years and have barely slept together for past 2-3 years (I have tried but he said he had no sex drive among other things). My immediate thought when finding them was that he has been sleeping with someone else as we’ve not been intimate for so long. I confronted him about this and he denied cheating, he said he had taken them prior to hotel stays/holidays etc we’ve been on so we could have sex but they didn’t work and he was embarrassed as he likely has erectile dysfunction (ED)
Firstly I’m incredibly hurt that he hid them from me and I felt like the lack of sex has been to do with me being undesirable etc. A few days later we were chatting and he mentioned he does masturbate a few times a week.
As he’s mentioned he can masturbate Im confused as I thought ED would make that difficult? I still feel paranoid about him potentially having cheated. Has anyone been in a similar situation or is able to give me some advice? I feel so down and lost right now
44 comments
So many red flags on communication, secrets etc. Doesn’t mean he cheated, but you both need to make service effort to communicate towards solutions, together as a couple.
Its big a red flag, they i didn’t put you first, i understand the use of a pill to testing. But…
ED is extremely unlikely to be related to him finding you undesirable. It’s more likely to do with how he feels about himself. ED and associated performance anxiety will not necessarily affect his masturbation habits.
It sounds like neither of you communicate with each other well, and if you are not sleeping with each other and have a lack of physical intimacy … it begs a question of the bigger picture; what is working between you, and is it enough to continue together.
> As he’s mentioned he can masturbate Im confused as I thought ED would make that difficult?
If he can get it up 20% of the time that he wants to, he can still masturbate. “Oh, hey, it’s awake! Don’t waste it!” It is just a downer to get your partner ready to go and then not have things work and leave her hanging.
ETA: but the viagra thing sounds a bit sus, as the kids say nowadays. It’s not like you can hide ED from your partner.
r/deadbedrooms
Why are the two of you not sexually active; your choice? Seems needs are not being properly attended too be either of you and now he has stepped out; no other need for Viagra obviously.
Sorry and hope this gets resolved in a manner in which you see the best possible outcome.
Stay blessed, peace.
He sounds like hes got some mental issues. If he can masturbate its not physical erectile dysfunction.
But its in his mind.
Is he on anti-depressants?
Sounds like he is scared/embarassed about his issue, which makes it really hard to get an erection.
You need to figure out what this is about.
If he actually wants to have sex but is scared of his boners performance. If that is the case you need to work with him to find away to make him stop worrying about it.
Might also be very relevant to have him cut down on masturbation And porn for a while. If he hasnt masturbated for a week or two a boner is much easier to produce.
My partner has ED but apperently can still masturbate, I’m pretty sex phobic so I have no idea how he finushes but… It’s definitely not due to me. He finds me attractive and I believe him, it’s just medical for him.
You don’t need an erection to have an orgasm. He hasn’t said anything to you that I can say is an absolute lie. Its not his fault that you felt undesirable. Both of you chose to not communicate. He didn’t tell you about the ED. And you never told him you felt hurt by the lack of physical intimacy. Clean slate. He made another step in letting you know his sexual outlet has been masturbation, not cheating. You can make a step and offer to mutually masturbate with him, no pressure for penetration. And also let him know that he should see a doctor as the ED could be a symptom of a major health concern. Now is not the time for more accusations.
He’s lying to you
Sis. He is NOT your boyfriend. He is a roommate. Also if you wanna know the main problem, find out what kinda porn he’s jerkin it to, because I’d venture to say it’s probably bad. Get you a man who makes passionate love to you regularly. Life’s too short and you’re too young to give up sex just because your roomie has ED. 🤷🏽♀️
Some men have serious performance anxiety and are capable of maturation successfully, but not always with a partner. ED can be a severe blow to a man’s ego, which might explain why he was hiding the Viagra from you and not coming forward with his problem. It’s not that your undesirable, it’s the fear of not being enough of a man to please your partner completely, causing him to withdraw. Try to be a little more empathetic and considerate of his situation. Talk with him, not to him and try to find some common ground where you both reach an understanding of how it’s affecting your relationship. Also recommend that he get treated by a doctor or urologist who specializes in ED treatment. There are several successful options out there, he just needs to take the first step, along with your support, not accusations and criticism.
If your getting ED sometimes you may get hard, has to be the right time and the right thing to do it, like wathing porn.You may be able to tell he has taken ED drugs if his nose is really closed shut but that doesn’t last long. I can get to the point where I can’t breathe at all through my nose
Also if you are not in the mood for sex it’s likely the ED drugs won’t do anything
Ask him to get his prostate checked. It can cause Ed and most don’t have symptoms. Prostatitis affected me for months.
So as someone that takes Viagra I use it some times on the weekends when I know my partner is not around. It makes masturbation so much more fun and enjoyable. I can still get it up normally but its not as hard. But with those pills its like i am a horny 18 year old boy again and can go for several rounds.
I (30M) a brief period of ED that was 90% performance anxiety and 10% medical (concussion was messing with my sleep I was always physically tired). I actually had a lot of trouble masturbating without Cialis.
I’m lucky enough to have a very open and accepting partner so we talked about it never even finished the first Rx my doctor gave me because the performance anxiety went away and no no problems
Point is, ED can affect masturbation
Your overthinking. He has the pills so when y’all have sex he can perform. A lot of us men have stuff to help our performance but we keep it hidden. U just need to communicate and try to rebuild intimacy
I can totally relate. Recently found out my bf had been taking it for several months. I had no idea. He was embarrassed when I asked him about it. I never suspected him of cheating so that wasn’t an issue. I know that ED sometimes happens and just roll with it. I was mostly shocked and a little hurt that he hadn’t told me that he felt it was enough of an issue to talk to his doc about it. It’s not like I don’t know it’s happening since it’s happening with me. But he was too embarrassed to talk to me about it but not his doc. We have sex pretty frequently, but it had taken a sharp decline in recent months and I thought his ED issues might of been why. But he said it wasn’t.
FYI they don’t need an erection to masturbate and orgasm. They can do that flaccid. I dated a guy who could not get more then a semi but would still jerk off all the time. An erection is also not needed for oral sex. So I don’t think he is lying about him masturbating.
Same situation with my mom and dad years ago. He was cheating on her
2-3 years without sex? Jeeze. I would’ve terminated the relationship years ago. The fact that he masturbates multiple times per week yet won’t have sex speaks volumes to me. If my wife turned me down and it had been years and she also said she pleases herself throughout the week, we’d be done. It shows they don’t care about my needs and won’t do anything to work on the issue.
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My first thought was a porn addiction. Lots of young men take Viagra because they’re so addicted to internet porn they can’t get erections without it. They think Viagra is a solution, but for them, it’s the porn that’s causing the problem.
If those pills really were for him to try with you, then they would have expired over a year ago since yall would’ve been intimate 2 years ago.
Check the expiration date on the pills.
He’s fucking someone else. Sorry.
Is he taking antidepressants? ED is a common side affect.
Honestly he probably takes it to try and masturbate or have sex and it isn’t working well. If I’m he isn’t getting hard, he can’t have sex and that’s frustrating. Have him try Cialis and see if that works better for him.
Also have him go to a men’s clinic and get blood work done. Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) is life changing for men with ED. It’s not expensive either.
ED is also something most guys won’t talk about willingly, but if presented with a solution to feel like you’re 18 again for the rest of your life it goes over way better.
> he does masturbate a few times a week
Then he does not have ED.
Your bf most likely has 1. death grip syndrome and 2. a porn addiction.
Both likely to be caused by bad masturbation habits such as of the root of having had to masturbate in secret and fast, for example during teenage years, thus him grabbing too hard, moving the hand very fast, or furiously, ultimatively leading to loss of sensitivity thus having to do it harder / faster, at which point he is desinthysized towards traditional PIV and anything that isn’t as visually perfect as porn models
I have been in your SO’s shoes. Lost all libido and sex drive, used Viagra for a while. Was very depressed and my anti-depression tablets really didn’t help.
I was masturbating fine but couldn’t perform and was ashamed, although I made a real effort to ensure we were still communicating effectively and honestly.
Fortunately she stuck with me and 2 years on we’re planning our wedding & our sex life has returned to levels of 13 years ago.
Required a lot of personal effort on my own part to improve certain lifestyle habits (counselling, fitness, eating habits and most importantly for me & seemingly my sex drive – weed.)
Money issues was also a big factor – it was certainly not a question of desirability of my partner but I did question myself constantly… what is wrong with me??
Offer support and empathy but be firm and make him work on improving areas of SO’s life.
This was just my experience though and I can’t of course assume they’re the same.
ED doesn’t necessarily mean that it is impossible to get an erection. Just that it is hard to maintain one. With masturbation, you have constant stimulation. It could be that after he takes his hand off, it goes soft in just a few seconds. Not a big hurdle for masturbation, but might make it near impossible to have PiV sex. And this is only worsened by the anxiety and embarrassment of “failing to perform” in front of a partner.
But PiV isn’t the only way to have sex. He can go down on you and use toys on you, and you can do the same for him. Even if he isn’t able to keep an erection or orgasm, it could still feel good and be fun for both of you. And if you want the experience of penetration, there are penis sheaths and strapons that he could use. ED doesn’t mean that a person’s sex life is dead. They just might have to get a bit more creative.
As for why he hid it, that’s pretty simple. It is embarrassing and likely makes him feel less like a man. I doubt he meant to hurt you. It wasn’t anything nefarious. It was just….shame. And if you want to cultivate an environment where he feels safe talking about this kind of thing and being vulnerable, you’re going to have to be careful not making him feel bad about you finding out about it. Letting him know it is okay to confide this kind of thing in you and he won’t be hurt by doing so.
Which doesn’t mean that you should suppress your own feelings. You’re allowed to be hurt also and to ask him to do better in the future. But it does mean the situation is tricky and difficult. You have to be careful how you express yourself and say things so that your needs are met, but he isn’t driven away or made to feel more shame.
You both need to work really hard to empathize with each other.
OP, frankly speaking im guilty of this myself. As in I bought cialis (a better and more practical ED solution imo, he can try that out) and took them before a hotel stay with my gf.
And yes, I do masturbate too. How could I masturbate and still have ED problems? The reason is that I masturbate when I’m horny, and sometimes I have sex with my gf when Im not that horny.
Also, masturbating to porn can be pretty quick, although the video could be an hour long, id usually skip to the nice parts.
However sex is longer considering foreplay and stuff. So for sex, the horny feeling can die down after a while.
ED is almost always caused by himself worrying about not being able to get it up and so it doesn’t. Masturbating only disappoints himself and it’s less likely than when disappointing another person. He needs reassurance. I supported my bf when he had Ed and it stopped happening. He just needs support not to hide feelings and pills.
Is this the only issue in the relationship ?.. can you go the rest of your life under these conditions?
You’ve been together 6 years. Girl.
Everyone here is giving very valid optional reasons for this but everyone else who tells you what you likely already know – gets downvoted to the bottom.
Let’s say he isn’t cheating. Why didn’t he tell you he went to the dr for the pills in the first place? Why didn’t he tell you he’s taken them before? 6 years. How often does he go to the doctor willingly on his own? If the answer is not often, is it odd to you that he did this on his own and then still didn’t tell you about it? After 6 years, do you think he would be embarrassed to talk to you about this kind of thing? When you already know about his ED? And he knows you blame yourself incorrectly for his ED? Wouldn’t you tell your partner you’re going to try meds because you want them to be satisfied in the relationship? Or would you hide it and randomly take them behind their back?
I get not wanting to talk about it often, shame (unwarranted), etc.. But to not mention it at all…does that seem realistic to you based on what you know of this man and your relationship?
I hope he isn’t cheating for your sake but please remember the most obvious answer is usually the correct one.
Sounds like he’s too concerned/scared to tell you he may not be sexually attracted to you anymore perhaps because he doesn’t want to ruin the relationship, He may be watching porn because he doesn’t want to cheat on you but still has sexual urges.
The leaps to porn addiciton… wow.
Sounds alot more like performance anxiety.
Unpopular idea but if hes been having ED issues for 2-3 year and they aren’t responding to meds it could be related to covid. There had been reports of men developing ED post covid that didnt respond to meds. Havnt seen any follow up articles on the topic to see if they eventually recovered but I also havnt been looking
You need to talk to your boyfriend, a therapist, and potentially a doctor about your sex lives, not strangers on the internet.
Might I suggest a sex therapist? If not then couple’s therapy? This might help clear out some concerns as well as open up communication. It isn’t fair to be stringing you along if he’s lost interest in the relationship. It definitely isn’t fair he’s pointing the finger at you as the problem if he’s struggling with ED. He also may not know what the problem is.
Could he be cheating? It’s possible, but I wouldn’t jump to that until you get more of an understanding of where he’s at in this relationship. Some of that idea may take some more investigating.
You’ve been trying very hard to accommodate his ideas and needs, but he’s not reciprocating. That’s the concern I have here. What’s he doing to try to improve the intimacy between you? Is this one-sided? If that’s the case, then it’s not you, it’s him. Could he be having a libido problem? Maybe he needs to get his hormone levels checked. Is he masterbating too much? Maybe watching porn too much? Possible. The Viagra concerns me. If he’s hiding that it could be due to embarrassment like what he said, but could it be cause he’s currently trying to use it with someone else? Also possible, but if he needs it at all, it sounds like ED really is the issue which is why I wouldn’t jump on cheating just yet.ED is extremely embarrassing for many men. It’s probably better to go that route. He may be telling you the truth, but he should not be hiding this from you if he wants this marriage to work.
how do you live like this? how is your relationship like without sex?
I suffered from ED for almost a year, found out it was because My A1c was like 13.6 cuz I’m a type 2 diabetic and it was causing the ED. Have Him get tested for diabetes or even low testosterone.
Check the dates on the viagra pills… they should have expired ages ago if he was truly using them for sex with you.
Girl, he’s just in a deadbedroom for you. low libido for you.
He’s using those pills with somebody. Time to check in with his pharmacy with him there, and see how often he’s been getting it refilled.
Have you tried giving him some head and some pussy once or twice? Do it and tell us what happens okay.
Oh he’s hiding something I can feel it
Performance anxiety, hands down.
Believe it or not alot of guys feel major pressure when it comes to sex to be able to perform the best and make a girl orgasm.
I’ve had this problem for years and even though my girlfriend reassures me it still doesn’t matter, it’s locked into your brain if you’ve had a bad experience or you’ve been made to feel inadequate by a former partner.
Male egos are quite fragile when it comes to sex and performance.