I (37m) met a woman (35f) on a dating app. We’ve been chatting back and forth about 2-3 weeks. The conversation has been slightly above average, mostly because she’s a slight bit socially awkward (i.e., hard to read her because of a mix of culture and social cues and cadences).
Last week we decided to schedule a date for this past weekend, the issue is she lives a few hours a way. I asked her if she wanted to meet half way, or if she wanted me to drive out to her. We decided I should drive to her, and so I did.
The date was slightly better than okay. Not great, but definitely not bad. We’re both interested in marriage, so the whole spark thing isn’t necessary from a cultural perspective for me (can’t speak on her behalf).
After dinner (where I paid) she invited me up to her place for about an hour. We had a drink, a friendly convo, and it was 10:30pm so time to get back on the road. I got a hug, (not a kiss), and then I drove home which I was slightly nervous about because the drive was a few hours and I was worried Id fall asleep.
I was falling asleep a lot on the way home, like a ton of times. I fought to stay awake. Luckily nothing happened, I was probably asleep 30 seconds upon arriving home because I was so sleepy.
When I woke up, no text from her to see if I had gotten home. In fact, it’s been 36 hours, and still nothing. This surprised me.
I’m a little confused on how to go from here. Not hearing from her from an optimistic perspective seems like mixed signals (i.e., maybe she’s expectine me to reach out?). The down case is she’s just not interested.
I know typically the guy is supposed to follow-up, but I feel like I put so much effort. Drove hours, paid for dinner, etc., I dont want her to be “polite”, and I continue spending effort, and she’s not sure she’s interested and this gets drawn out.
Should I wait for her to reach out? Or should I be reaching out?
***TLDR:*** *Traveled for a first date, and when I got back, she never checked in with me to ask if I got home safe. Normally I’d follow-up, but this seems weird, and I dont want to keep investing in a scenario where someone’s not sure if they’re interested with the investments of time and money. Should I be reaching out? Or should I wait for her to reach out?*
44 comments
I think it would’ve been nice if she reached out and thanked you for the meal, but if you want to see her again, don’t start a potential relationship asking tit for tat.
I will say that **IMO** you can’t feed into gender roles… then be shocked when the other person expects you to keep following them for at least the first couple dates. You driving to her, possibly planning the date, and paying for her are traditional gender norms. The guy following up first is also – if unfairly – often considered a part of this.
Personally if I’m feeling so-so or unsure about the person I usually don’t reach out after the date, but if it went okay and they wanted to meet again, I would try a second date and see if it goes better – otherwise I let it pass, which may also be what she’s doing.
The two hour thing (or however far away she is) probably accentuates that equation, and also to be honest you didn’t *seem that interested* in her here. Your evaluation of “slightly better than okay” may have been a vibe she was able to pick up on.
I’d say this early on that there’s no harm in sending the first post-date text. It sounds like from a cultural aspect she may be expecting you to “lead” the relationship, so if you’re interested and that relationship dynamic works for you, go for it. If, after a few more dates, you’re not seeing any type of reciprocation/initiation, that would be a reasonable time to pull back under the assumption of lack of interest.
>the issue is she lives a few hours a way
The question is, why? Why date someone not even in the same zip code as you? Logistically, it just doesn’t make any sense.
Ok so yeah it would have been nice had she texted to see if you got home but I can understand her maybe not wanting to seem clingy early on.
She clearly doesn’t know about the effort you put in but she shouldn’t know at this point. It’s one of those things us guys just have to deal with. A couple hours Drive is a long way. The “good news” for you is that you aren’t going to keep doing that if there isn’t mutual interest going forward
If you are interested in her reach out post date but then yeah, then it’s time to see if she reciprocates interest.
Her not texting at all a couple days later is not a great sign to be clear.
Your comment about the spark thing stuck with me. Was there a spark? If no spark, would you still marry them?
You fell asleep while driving? Actually fell asleep? Highly irresponsible, you could have killed someone, and yourself as well. This is insane. You should have planed this whole thing better. No excuse, absolutely NO EXCUSE to fall asleep while driving. Jesus Christ. I’d never want to have to deal with such an irresponsible man.
A few things to address: 1) Apparent scarcity mentality ; 2) Safety
1) It doesn’t seem like you’re actually interested in her. She’s slightly better than okay, the date was slightly better than okay. Conversation slightly above average. Nothing here seems like either of you are particularly interested in each other, so I don’t understand why you’re keen on pushing forward despite the obviously difficult logistics (distance) *unless* you’re just clinging at the opportunity for a connection. Reach out if you want to, but she’s probably not reaching out because of everything you stated, it was an inch better than OKAY and she’s probably interested in something better than that. You should be too!
2) The entire setup of this date was handled poorly. You really should have met in the middle, but since you offered, you need to plan accordingly. Why do a night time date when you know you have to drive back? Either set up a day time date or get a cheap hotel room or Airbnb. Your decision to drive while ANY kind of sleepy or tired is so incredibly dangerous, I’m honestly having a hard time understanding why someone in this age range doesn’t know and do better. Pull over and take a nap. So many options! Drowsy sleeping is just as dangerous as driving drunk, and here you are falling asleep on the road. You’re lucky you didn’t kill someone or yourself. Seriously, this is unacceptable behavior and decision making!
I had an ex that lived 2.5 hours away.
Going that late, I would have gotten a motel for the night & drive back in the morning fresh.
That she didn’t text at all is a bad sign but not definitive. Good dates almost always have a “thank you for a good evening” or some such text. It’s about 50-50 whether it’s me or them who sends it first. Maybe she was waiting for you to text her?
I would have sent a text when I got home regardless, to see if she responds with anything positive.
FYI, having been through this… if this does become a relationship, you both need to make equal effort or at least try to make it equal.
She didn’t feel the date.
Anyone with interest trying to show concern would have at least asked if you got home safely.
I’d move to the next.
First of all, when I get home I always text him that I did. Even if he didn’t ask.
But the main issue. You are asking what you are SUPPOSED to do. Wrong.
What do you WANT to do. You have seen what communication with her is like. You have had a date. And she has not followed up.
Ok. So maybe she’s not interested. Maybe she’s very passive or shy. Does it matter? Do you want to find out for sure? Is there potential here? Is this the kind of person you are looking for?
I hate pulling teeth for simple communication. If I was into a guy I would have already been messaging him. But if this amount of time passed and they did not message me….I would already know this is not the partner I want. I already had someone who never talked to me. Not doing THAT again….
First don’t drive that tired, pull over somewhere safe and sleep for 20-30 minutes it could save not just your life but anyone else you may drift into when you fall asleep at the wheel!
Maybe I’m the minority here but since you were driving I think it’s weird you didn’t let her know you got home safe. It is also weird she didn’t thank you for driving to see her, or at least check in. I’ve had women insist I text them when I get home driving 20 minutes away for a first date. You are both weirdos.
Just text her. If you want to continue talking…
In one twentieth of the time it took you to write this post, you could have texted her.
Honestly, yeah she should’ve reached out to you. Assuming you enjoyed yourself and you’re interested in seeing her again, I’d say reach out. If not, then don’t. Maybe she’s thinking you will reach out, meanwhile you’re waiting on her to reach out…in the end both lose.
You know while agree that you out so much effort and driving home late, she really should have checked in. That being said, as a woman who loves goodnight texts, while dating sending the first text post-date is always the trickiest thing. Who texts who? There has been many times I wanted to but I didn’t want to seem overly eager or annoying, I’ve sent some “hey, hope you got home safe I had a wonderful time and would be down to do it again sometime” texts with no response. I think if you can see yourself with this person or feel like you need more info to determine just text her first. I would maybe say something like sorry for the late text back I was exhausted driving home so late. Hopefully she will say something like glad u got home safe or something. I just wouldn’t put too many marbles in the whos turn is it anyway jar, and discount her for that could just be nerves!
Do you even like her?
You should reach out if you’re interested in a second date. I am, however, shocked women are inviting strangers into their homes for their first meeting and knowingly inviting them into their safe place.
You’re playing a game with balls that don’t exist.
Either way, it doesn’t sound like this is starting off on an equal footing. You’ve put in a lot of effort already and she can’t even send you a “Thanks for a good night, I hope you got home safe” text? I wouldn’t want to go further with this person. Unless you just want to fall into stereotypical gender norms and do everything all the time.
I’m going to suggest you don’t bother reaching out.
Usually I would recommend just asking yourself whether you want to date this woman. Essentially, whether it’s more important to be right according to an ambiguous social code, or whether it’s more important to go on a second date with this woman.
However, if you’re already keeping score and worried about the effort you’ve put in, then I don’t think this is going to go very well. Tbqh, I don’t think many situations are going to go well for you, but almost certainly not this one.
Mate you are overthinking things. You should have just texted her when you got home to see how she reacted. That’s exactly what I did last week when I met someone for a first date that was 1.5 hour drive for me. She lived a few minutes away from the restaurant. I also paid. You best believe the second date we are planning is going to be at least in the middle. If it isn’t then I won’t be going on a second date, if nothing more than me needing to know she’s willing to put some effort in.
I think this girl might be autistic (NOT IN A BAD WAY – I’m autistic). Just be very literal and straightforward (no “reading between the lines”).
If she is traditional and there are cultural differences like you mentioned, maybe she expects you to reach out first. If you really like her, then initiate contact and text her. But if you don’t like her, then don’t bother.
Did she thank you for the date/dinner in person? Because if she did, it’s redundant to text it again. If you’re already thinking a follow up text is effort, then forget about it. Sounds like you don’t like her enough so you’re counting every ounce of effort. Longterm of this is going to frustrate you if you’re already fussy about a follow up text.
The men who have pursued me put in every effort without counting on a scoreboard. That’s how I know they truly like me. The lukewarm and low effort men fall out of my life naturally. Sounds like you don’t like her romantically.
Also, I suggest to have a plan instead of driving tired. That’s irresponsible and dangerous to yourself and others. You can book a night to stay at a hotel if the distance is too long for a drive at night.
I might be in the minority here or maybe I just have ‘high’ standards for life but this sounds boring and waste of time.
Date was slightly better than okay?
Lives a few hours drive away?
No spark?
No text from either of you and it’s been 36 hours afterwards?
Of course you might be living in the middle of nowhere and she is your best closest shot.. but really?
Dating should be fun! It should be ‘gosh, I had a great time and I really want to see him/her again!’
Not driving for hours and having a ‘meh’ date and then not hearing anything or reaching out for days..
And yes the spark is real and it exist. But if that’s not important to you, that’s also ok, you do you.
If you truly want to see her again, how about you text her? And see what she responds?
Honestly, I think you should be more concerned about recklessly driving while fatigued to the point of falling asleep at the wheel. That’s incredibly dangerous and puts other people’s lives at risk as well. Don’t drive when you’re that tired. Pull over and sleep for however long it takes to feel actually safe enough to continue.
So reckless. I hope you learn from that mistake and never repeat it.
Okay, so you’ve already identified that she is a bit socially awkward, there are cultural differences at play, AND it sounds like there is some very normative gender role stuff happening.
With all that in mind, why on earth would you be expecting her to text you?
That is coded as the “man’s” activity in a lot of cultures, and given that you already have normative gender role stuff happening, it seems all but certain it’s happening here, too.
She’s probably 2 hours away going “why isn’t he texting me? I guess he doesn’t like me after all.”
If you’re embracing normative gender roles, you can’t do it selectively without a LOT of communication. How is she supposed to know that you want to be the one who initiates, drives, and pays, but not the one who sends a follow-up text?
Also, it’s been said before, but for god’s sake, man. You could have killed someone. Driving that tired is like driving wasted, which I assume you would never do.
I’m imagining she doesn’t know the rules of proper dating etiquette. It’s fine for you to model them for her. Go ahead and do everything you should be doing
I think it’s funny that people ask questions on here that I would expect more from a kid going on a first date. When people are in their 30’s, I guess I mistakenly think they have some experience in dating regardless if from an app or just meeting someone out at the store or gym etc. If a late 30 something has ever been on any dates before, why the question about whether or not she should have texted and what it means if she did or didn’t? You can’t figure that out? People on here try to get answers instead of just simply to try asking the other person….if you had a great time, text her and tell her, if you are concerned she didn’t text after the date, text her and ask if she had a a good time and wanted to go out again. I personally can’t believe there isn’t someone equally good or better within your own city nor would I drive that far because she probably wouldn’t want to drive hours to date someone either. We are all busy and time is valuable. Find someone close so you can do the spontaneous thing more often…
If you’re falling asleep while driving, pull over, get off the road. You are an unsafe driver. Driving that tired is as bad as driving drunk. This is unacceptable.
What’s this BS about who should send a text first after a date. Just send the damn text when you like someone, who cares who goes first, just thank them for the date if you enjoyed it. Who cares who travelled more or drove more, people aren’t mind readers that this somehow means the other person “should text first”. People will show you who they are, just be yourself.
And since so many people are commenting on the driving while tired thing, because you mentioned it a lot, we’re you trying to say she should have been so appreciative not only for coming to see her but also in risking your and limb to drive back tired and that alone should have gotten you a text? It’s a bit clingy to even make a big deal about it. Next you’ll be whining about the money you spent on the dinner, haircut, clothes, car wash, etc…..suck it up and write it off as a bad investmenthu. Some people get it and some don’t. If she liked you and wanted more she probably would have checked in on you,
i would send her a txt to see whats up. maybe start putting a little more of the responsibility to build the relationship on her. it seems like you are doing allll the heavy lifting and she needs to do something. there is a good chance shes just not interested in you and she is trying to ghost you so prepare yourself for that. even if she is just being socially dumb and actually is interested, recognize that this isn’t a good sign. do you really want to be in a relationship with a person that is ok with letting you do allll the work and isn’t even willing to send you a txt?
Girls like the guy to take the initiative the first few dates/months. you don’t know and can’t judge how much effort she put on the date, even if you did the travelling. I think it’s a shame not to have said anything. I’m sure she would have responded promptly and favourably. That said if it’s a dealbreaker to travel to her and back, say it. But consider that everyone puts effort (hopefully) and not all effort looks the same
She got a free dinner and didnt have to go out of her way to get it. Trust me, she isnt interested. First off, no way in hell on a first date would I be driving hours out of my way, while the other person didnt offer a halfway point. That’s mistake one. Second is, she allowed you to pay for dinner without thinking about the effort you had just put in driving there. For not giving you a kiss, some ppl dont like doing that on a first meet and greet. But the fact she never bothered with any follow up and its been 3 days, just toss her off the bridge and move on. Im a female
You sound so meh about her.. sparks are one thing but you’ve got to be more excited about someone right? I would assume she picked up on this and that’s why hasn’t texted you.
No harm in texting to let her know and setting up a second date if you want to explore further. But please don’t do stuff then keep tally of how much effort you’re putting in.. it’s kind of gauche
Maybe she’s wondering why you haven’t texted too
“She didn’t text me after the date!” But…. YOU didn’t text either?? Did you think she maybe is wondering the same thing?
Personally, I would consider this a failed date and move on. You made accommodations for her and yet she wasn’t appreciative of it. Seems to me you’re putting in more effort than this person. Not sure if you’re trying to push this relationship or oblivious to the initial problems. Regardless, making excuses for her (poor social skills, no spark, cultural differences) isn’t healthy.
I would just text her at this point. I agree she should have probably reached out but she sounds a bit inexperienced or not the best communicator from the way you described her.
Even if I wasn’t interested in pursuing things further, I would have texted you to thank you and check in to make sure you’d made it home safely. I would do so even if I felt I needed to follow that up with a disappointing: “I enjoyed meeting you but don’t feel we are compatible.”
This is rude.
It’s your ball sir. Since you realize she’s socially awkward you can’t expect her to be your man. You’re the man. Just say you got home safe and you had a fun date, why wait for her? It’s the first date, the interest should be there 50/50 later on but for now, you try harder!
I strongly suggest you reach her out.
A long time ago, an amazing guy drove from Washington DC to NY. We had a great time and a wonderful night. He left in the morning and I waited for him to reach me out. He did not text and I felt miserable. After two days I called him and asked why he did not text me considering we had a great time. He said he got mad at me because I did not call to check if he got home safe. I explained to him that I did not want to show clinginess and that I was controlling my anxiety to not look super excited and scare him away.
I lost a great guy because I was proud and he was prouder.
My current boyfriend did the exact same thing for our first date and when he got back home all of our exchanges were mutual like he never had to guess if I was interested, nor I him, and we also met on a dating app. We have now been together for two years I would say go with your initial gut feeling even though dating nowadays it’s complicated chemistry is either there or it’s not.
As a socially awkward woman myself I can see me not texting first because I would be thinking that it might come across as desperate or whatever.. Very mature I know
I find it difficult to initiate some times even with my friends. I can not explain it in any way that would make sense but in the context of online dating all the times I have initiated it has taken me a long time and a lot of thinking to figure out what I should say. I think part of the problem is thinking how the other person will perceive what I say.
If she is anything like that maybe explaining to her how you felt (if you are willing to do it) might help. Personally I would like it
I am in sort of a similar situation when I went on a first meet up with someone on Saturday and if he texts I will answer and engage but if not I find it very difficult to initiate. I am very tempted to ask him what the hell is happening because I have no idea but I am too much of a wuss..
anyway best of luck 🙂