The facts: They had an agreement a year ago. We started dating each other 6 months ago and have been exclusive for 3. She didn’t tell me about until a week before it was happening. She spoke for me and said it was fine when her male friend asked if it was cool. She says it’s an opportunity to show off a really expensive dress she purchased a long time ago for an opera performance.
47 comments
Yeah that sucks bro. It’s not cool.
10 year difference between them. How do they know each other?
Do you trust her? If you don’t then perhaps you should do some introspections. At least she told you. Oh, and I would probably ask that she don’t drink much because that can be an excuse to make mistakes.
That would be a no from me, dawg, but every man needs to define his own boundaries.
There’s a bit to unpack here. First of all, however you are feeling about it is valid. If it makes you uncomfortable then that’s a perfectly valid way to feel. Second of all, you don’t own her. She didn’t speak “for you” when she said she would go. She spoke for herself, which is all she needs to do. She doesn’t need your permission so get that out of your head. Finally I think you need to ask yourself and get clear on what makes you so uncomfortable here. Is it that you feel disrespected that she didn’t let you know you first? Do you feel threatened by this other dude? Has she given you a reason not to trust her or misled you in some way? Are you carrying insecurities from previous relationships or other outside forces into this relationship? Is there anything she could do that would make you ok with it given where you are right now? Just things to think about before you decide to do whatever you do next.
THAT said, you have a few main options here, with some room in between. You can decide to trust her and just let the whole thing go. You can express that it makes you uncomfortable, which will also involve you having to say why you don’t trust her (hope you have a good answer ready). Or you can take this as a sign that the two of you aren’t compatible and break things off. Again, this isn’t really her fault and she didn’t do anything *wrong*, but you two may not share the same ideas about relationships.
Active military here… Our balls are formal events with a lot of ceremony to them, so her stated reason holds.
Have a discussion with her about it, it’s not rocket science why you might have an issue with the situation.
Your feelings are valid. How would she feel if the roles were reversed. If you weren’t jealous at all, she would hold it against you. And, he’s only 25. How does a 35 year old know a 25 year old for a long time?. I’m not implying an inappropriate relationship. I’m implying that she’s exaggerating.
She’s going on a fancy date with another guy, it seems that you aren’t as exclusive as you thought.
I recently retired and have been to about a dozen of these events in the Army. They’re mostly formal and a little boring.
If she’s the type to get blind drunk, then you might have a problem. If you have reason not to trust her, then you might have a problem. If you trust her and she’s not a lush, any issue here is yours.
Is the ball local? Is she coming home at the end of the night? Do you trust her? If the answer to all these is yes, then suck it up would be my advice. It’s not ideal but the risks are low.
If it’s in another town and she’s stopping over, I’m not sure I’d be as comfortable with it.
The issue here is that she omitted this from you until a week before it was happening. That is NOT cool. And especially since you’ve become exclusive. Also, her waiting until the date of the opera was close means she very well remembered but was afraid to tell you because she’s aware it would definitely be an issue. That is very disrespectful to the relationship and even more so to one that has just begun. It’s not a great way to start off, that’s for sure.
I’d express these things, my disappointment for having intentionally omitted this, and the placing of distrust so early on in the relationship. I’d also ask how she’d feel if the roles were reversed. How she reacts may tell you how to move forward.
Good luck.
Trust your gut.
No for me. Especially if the situation was flipped.
Retired Army here. Balls are very formal, a lot of heritage and honors, military focused activities. You’re either comfortable enough on your relationship and there’s trust there or there’s not. If she’s back at the appointed time and all is in order, so be it, if there’s any unanticipated changes then you’ve got something to be concerned about. If this was something she made a promise for then, no problem, you can either handle it or not. But make it clear this short notice, kinda thing can’t be a normal thing, and still have a stable meaningful relationship.
Damn. Lots of guys here are not comfortable with their partners having male friends, and it shows. My wife’s best friend is a guy. He was her “man of honor” at our wedding. I 100% trust her in this and have never felt jealous of their friendship. If I got weird and possessive about them hanging out, it probably would have ended our relationship.
In my mind, this is on par with your gf agreeing to be her friend’s +1 to a wedding a year ago. It’s not a date, it doesn’t mean they’re going to fuck. It’s a chance to dress up and eat fancy food. If there are extenuating circumstances that makes you not trust her (e.g. they’ve dated in the past, he has unrequited feelings towards her, she has a history of making bad choices when drinking) then I’d be more concerned. But if the situation is simply “is it okay for two platonic friends to go to a military ball?” My vote would be yes. They were friends long before you came into the picture.
I’d let her go to the ball, and if I had any inkling that something weird was going on, I’d let her … go.
Even if the dance and relationship were kosher, her attitude towards you is toxic as hell.
If she already wants to spend time with other dudes, now is a great opportunity for you to gtfo before you get her pregnant.
If it had been a Marine Corps ball, I’d say you should be worried. It wasn’t. She loyal.
He will be clapping those cheeks while you’re sitting at home.
Bruh… Have some self respect and let her go…Jodie has your girl now. And at 3-6 months… It’s not that serious
Personally, I would not be okay with this. I would tell the GF that I am not okay with it, but that it is her decision to make. I would avoid pressuring her outside of making my feelings known.
If she didn’t go, I would make sure to find something super formal to do together as soon as possible. She wanted to wear her fancy dress and look stunning, after all.
If she went anyway, I would use the time she spends at the ball to pack up any of her things from my place and cordially break up with her the next time I see her. I don’t think she’s a bad person, I just don’t want a partner who isn’t willing to self-apply fairly reasonable boundaries like “don’t date other people” out of respect for our relationship.
Definite red flag here. Healthy relationships are built around wholesome boundaries. Many of us have been the “cool guy” only to get burned badly.
EDIT: To add: It’s reasonable to trust your partner but also not trust situations. This instance is clearly the latter. the old adage, “you and me and the devil makes three” has stuck around for this very reason.
I’m going to go ahead and say she’ll probably like you a lot more if you just sucked it up and let her do her thing. You’re both so early in the relationship, don’t bring your insecurities this quick lol. I think if you act happy about it and encourage it, she would appreciate that. And maybe say you can pick her up at the end of the night, that way you can still feel secure knowing she won’t make a bad decision.
It’s simple. Set up a date with another woman, go out and enjoy yourself, and check her reaction.
Why??? Ya’ll are not exclusive. You are still becoming exclusive. She is aware that her relationship with you might not last, so she is keeping her options open, hence my first sentence. (You should do the same.)
It’s not a matter of trust or dishonesty, it’s a matter of maturity. She’s not fully committed to you. With women, you watch what they do and not what they say. She is showing you that she doesn’t trust you completely.
Also, she’s testing you. She needs to know if you are strong enough and centered enough in your own masculinity to handle this news. Or, are you gonna turn into that creepy ex who becomes verbally, potentially, physically abusive?? Are you going to maintain calm, or are you going to get envious and jealous??? (Those two emotions are natural and healthy, which is why you need to keep seeing other women. Your “facts” are skewed toward exclusivity when that’s not the case.)
That said, if you want to keep her, then walk away. If she really wants you, she will chase you down. It’s not being manipulative, you are asserting your sense of self worth. In essence, you are saying that exclusiveness means that all other prior arrangements are null and void. If you let her get away with this behavior (and it’s her right to do this), and you tolerate being told pertinent information last minute, then she’ll do it again and again.
In conclusion, as she is still dating (yes, she is), so should you. Point out to her that what she did was not exclusivity. Walk away and tell her to call you when she is ready to commit to being exclusive. See other women.
It really depends on your relationship. With respect, three months exclusivity isn’t a super long time to be dating in your thirties. In her shoes I could see myself waiting to tell you, especially if it truly isn’t a big deal to me. It would show a little lacking in empathy, but I could see it.
I have female friends. I have accompanied them to formal events without an inkling of sexual/romantic intent from either side. Sometimes it’s just better having a familiar face instead of going alone, like going to a wedding with a friend.
She shouldn’t be speaking for you before checking in, that puts unfair pressure on you to say yes. But if you trust her and trust him, it should be fine.
Obviously not ok. She is literally cucking you. This isn’t going dancing with her gay dance partner, this is basically pretending to be his fiancée
So… you might be able to trust her. But you certainly can not trust him. Can she say no politely all night? Does she want to? Those are the only two questions. There is no 25 year old soldier respecting your boundaries. So treat that as a given.
I’d ask to see any conversations between them – on the spot.
Especially if it was a prior sexual partner.
Source: Got screwed over by the “catch up with an old friend”
Edit – I hope you guys won’t get to experience it. Broke my heart
Oh, buddy. Yeah she wants to get plowed by a fire team. Time to leave. Trust us with your lives but not your money or wives…
As ex military, you would be ok having some concerns. Military and alcohol are messy. Formal or not.
You think you are in an exclusive relationship. She clearly does not.
This is literally a romantic date. She is trampling the monogamous boundaries of your relationship. 100% will end badly.
This would cross a boundary for me, personally. I don’t think it’s appropriate as she is now in a relationship. She’s a grown woman and can do what she wants but your feelings are valid and I don’t think you’re being insecure or possessive or anything of the sort. That military dude can invite some single girl he knows or just go fuck off, but he wouldn’t be taking my girlfriend anywhere. Ask your girlfriend if you can take another woman as your date to a nice event. Wtf lol
Dude, she’s going to be around a bunch of young, drunk men. On the arm of someone who is “just a friend” like, I’d be pissed too.
Why is she going to a dance with someone ten years her junior? That is so weird.
I say this as a 30s wife of a marine. Like, we would go married but, the guys always get super hammered. If I didn’t know his unit, or I wasn’t his woman, I wouldn’t want to go. It’s quite odd imo.
I am no militart man but that means total lack of respect from your partner. That other dude has no respect for you, obviously, inviting her to a very formal date, because that is what it is. Does he not have any other single female friend? He is trying to steal her from your arms, but the worse is that she is agreeing to all that, so maybe you already know she might not be worthy for a long term relatioship, since she is already exploring another potential partner.
This is a deal breaker for me. I’d break up with her. There are boundaries in monogamous relationships and she’s stepping all over them here.
This is a difficult one without more context.
1) what is the origin and extent of their friendship?
2) what was her motivation for omiting this information from you and lying (speaking on your behalf).
3) were you aware they’re in regular contact? Has she ever hidden their friendship or were you aware they were this close early on.
For example, this could be a very good friend that goes back years, and is entirely innocent. Perhaps she feels an obligation to her friend. Perhaps she has not mentioned this until now because she feels you are controlling and fears your reaction.
Alternatively, perhaps this is someone she has been prospecting and now is the perfect excuse to take him for a test drive whilst you’re on ice. Perhaps she lied and kept it from you because she is devious and is playing things to maximise convenience for her.
Ultimately, it’s your judgement, and that alone, that will help you navigate this. You will receive a scewed response on here because 1) the lack of context you’ve given (which is somewhat suggestive of how you feel) 2) this is reddit, lol.
Having been to several military balls do not let her go. It’s alcohol fueled and him inviting her is because he has intentions.
She is 35 and should be an adult about this and should have never even asked you and told them sorry she can’t go. You are three months in, prepare for this sort of thing to happen often if she is this old and pulling something like that. If she was in her twenties, sure I could see her being naïve but she is 35 and knows better.
Sorry dude this happened but if I were in your shoes I would ask her if she thinks that’s appropriate and the decisions up to her. Tell her it bothers you and you don’t want her to go but it’s her choice. If she goes end it. Don’t give her an ultimatum, she will always pick the person not giving it.
Only 28 and not military, but lived in a military town and had many military friends and attended many military events.
I normally want to be the cool boyfriend and have loose boundaries, but this is asking for trouble. If it isn’t her friend trying to get in your gf pants, there is a whole gallery of GIs who don’t give a fuck about your guys’ commitment and will absolutely take advantage. You haven’t been dating your gf long enough to know that you can trust her and regardless, military men on a drinking bender can be a dangerous crowd to be around for a woman by herself.
Proceed with extreme caution and I hope your girlfriend is understanding.
“I made a date with a girl 6 months before we met to go out dancing and drinking together all night. I just want to wear my nicest clothes and look as good as possible, you know. You cool with that babe?”
See what she says.
Well he’s going to try to fuck her. Is she going to drink? If so, he’s going to try to get her drunk and then fuck her.
If I were you, I’d start looking for a different formal event (for the dress, to take away that excuse) to take her to myself.
If she’s weird/shitty about you declining to let her go on a date with another man, that’s also important signal to which you should give some consideration.
Reddit is packed full of niceguys whose wives have boyfriends so, maybe also take that into consideration when evaluating some of the other advice commented here.
She’s fucking him. Dump and block her.
DO NOT ACCEPT BETA BEHAVIOR FROM FEMALES
1.
>She didn’t tell me about until a week before
2.
>She spoke for me
3.
>She says it’s an opportunity to show off
… You should already have started talking to your next girlfriend at this point.
I’d feel confident reinstalling Tinder.
they’re definitely fucking.
drop her.
You know damn well deep down that that dude is up to no good and your girl knows it too. They are both playing you for a fool bro.