Fathers – how did you cope with the “loss of freedom”?

27 comments

1. It’s harddddd the first 6 months of your first kid. Your life completely changes. I struggled due to the lack of that complete freedom.

   Then it gets a bit easier and you get in the groove. You find ways to carve out a little time to do stuff, often swapping turns with your wife.

   And then the kids become somewhat more self sufficient from 5 to 8’ish and you get even a little more freedom. But you love them so much you find you don’t miss many of those old things (and would rather play with your kids). But you CAN do some of the things you still enjoy.

   Now mine are both 10+ and I almost have all the same freedoms as before kids, but also have two awesome kids to share adventures with.

2. I’m 34/m. My daughter was an accident, so I didn’t have time to cope.

   Your life stops completely and it’s not something I was ready for, or have come to terms with 5 months later. But at about month 4 I just kind of liked having her around and I take her with me to do some of the things I used to do around town etc.

   But those concerts, nights out, fun trips etc are all on hold. I’d say the biggest change was the experiences with my s/o. We do very little fun experiences together and cover for each other when the other does things.

   You have to be ready to sacrifice everything for a long while, so I suggest coping with it by doing things while you can with the expectations that it will be the last time you get to do these things for a couple of years.

3. Dad of 2 here. I’m going to answer this in 2 ways really. I can relate to your post and had had similar concerns before having kids but the thing that I didn’t anticipate is that I wouldn’t want to do most of those things I was worried about losing anymore. Kids have a way of immediately readjusting your priorities because they are capable of giving you more joy than you even knew was possible. Suddenly things that used to seem so important were meaningless. That’s not to say that being a parent isn’t hard or relentless or doesn’t require big sacrifices. It’s all of those things too. What I’m trying to say is to an extent not doing things I used to enjoy didn’t feel like a loss because what I wanted changed.

   The second part of my answer is that you can totally still do tons of stuff even if you have kids. Your life isn’t over. I love seeing live music. I still consistently make it to several concerts every month. Probably 1-2 a week in the summer. The trick is to not overburden your spouse by making sure they get plenty of time away and nights out too. Work as a team and it’s easy. You can also do lots of the things you love with your kids. I have spent countless hours hiking with my kids since they were babies. We take long bike rides, we go camping, kayaking, fishing, all that stuff. Family friendly concerts and music venues are a thing. I travel solo several times a year. Same thing as with the concerts, if you want a weekend away then make sure your wife gets a weekend away. You can also travel with kids of course, which I’ve not found to be as hard as people sometimes like to make it out to be.

   Anyway, my point is that being a dad is not a death sentence. My life is more rich and fulfilling than it has ever been and while yes, I have way more responsibilities than I used to I don’t really feel held back by my kids at all. If I want to do something I can almost always find a way to make it happen.

4. I guess I never really saw it as a loss of freedom. I always wanted kids and had planned to have two since I was young. After marriage, we waited five years to enjoy our marriage and become a little more financially stable, then we started trying for our first. As long as you both work with each other to insure equal time, there’s no reason why you can’t both still have some freedoms, even after the kids arrive.

   My wife and I live 1,000 miles from my family, and nearly 2,000 miles from hers. So, we didn’t have the luxury of weekends away, or date nights, unless we hired a sitter. Most of the time, we just brought them with us wherever we went. Even so, I and my wife were able to live somewhat normal lives. Did we have the exact freedoms we had when single? No, not at all. But it’s not like we didn’t get to enjoy our lives. I was able to still partake in my hobbies. I just had to be better at organizing my time.

   I’m not going to lie and say having kids is easy. It’s not. But it is rewarding. My kids are both young adults now and in college. Even now, it’s challenging on some levels.

5. It’s a hard reality!

   And honestly: If you value your freedom. Don’t.Get.Kids!

   You will hate that life for many years. And you will never regain your freedom, before your kids move out. And guess what: You will be much older then. So regaining your freedom won’t give you the possibilities you had when you were younger.

   My kids are 2 and 4 – I love them, but at some or many … days, I miss the lack of responsibilities and the possibility to do whatever the fuck I want.

6. >I love my ability to hike, explore, take trips, go to concerts, etc.

   You know you can do most of this stuff with kids, right? I spent a ton of time camping and hiking the wilderness with my dad when I was a kid, and I’m likely going to take my kids camping this weekend. Yeah, you probably won’t be going to concerts for a while when they’re infants but there’s no reason you can’t get a babysitter when they’re older.

7. I have a job that involves some travel. You don’t want too much travel because she may resent it, but one 2-3 night business trip a month , and one well-planned and quality hangout with my buddies per quarter, scratches the itch.

8. Have kids with someone you can trust to help find the balance. My wife and I took turns with the hard stuff and gave each other days/nights off. She’d have girl nights and go on long hikes, I’d go fishing or play a set with some band mates. Takes team work but you don’t have to give up your freedom completely with the right partner

9. Long story short, you become free to spend time with the greatest project you’re ever going to accomplish, fatherhood. You make compromises with your partner, and hopefully lean on your’village’ here and there. But the children aren’t always easy but I find them always fulfilling

10. I never felt a sense of “freedom” being threatened by marriage or fatherhood. In my view that is a 180° backwards view of things.

    You don’t “lose” anything, you gain things. And those things you gain necessitate additional value judgements that you didn’t have to make before.

    So you aren’t going to hike less often because you “lost freedom”, you might choose to hike less often because you now have gained things that hold a higher priority to you than hiking does, so you may opt to do those higher-priority things instead.

    But again, gaining additional responsibility, perspective, and opportunity is **not the same thing** as *losing freedom*.

11. I have 5 kids in their 20s. It never ends. I’ll let you know when I figure it out

12. I wouldn’t say I have lost my free time but your lifestyle completely changes.

    I try to do the same activities I love, camping and hiking. Just with a toddler now (3 year old).

    Spoiler, it’s no longer relaxing, a lot of work, stress and planning.

    However seeing the look on their face and the overwhelming excitement of a great big adventure is worth everything.

13. I didn’t really have things I wanted to do alone anymore.

    Concerts, and trips might be too expensive, but hiking, and plenty of things are more enjoyable with kids.

    I kinda stopped liking video games a long time ago, but I love playing them with my kids. I don’t have a lot of time anymore to play with them, so I kinda don’t play games. I only play games when I’m exploring something to enjoy with them.

    I don’t feel like loss of freedom was really big. It was really just being in poverty. I would be pretty comfortable as a single guy. I wouldn’t be living large, but living comfortable. With kids, even with my wife making more than I do, I feel like we are just getting by.

    I guess I don’t ever feel like I’m free to just not be home until midnight, but you kinda just plan more instead of just linger.

    But kids make me more interested in the things I used to find incredible.

14. If you want the kids, the idea of going on those hikes and such and leaving the kids behind bums you out. You don’t want to do those other things because they take time away from your kids.

    You say you want kids. I call bullshit. You like the idea of kids, but that’s not the same thing.

15. Hey, I’d ask myself a different question if I were you: what are the good things you think outweigh the loss of freedom?

    The reason I encourage you to ask is because I don’t actually know anyone who’s dealt with the loss of independence/spontaneity. They all say it sucks but their kids make up for it

16. You don’t lose freedom, full stop. You gain responsibility.

    You’ll still get to go do all that cool fun stuff, but just like if you were starting a business you’ll just have more to consider.

    The only source of joy in life is building things that grow. Hiking is great and all (and you *can* keep doing it) but it is small time fun.

17. Your life doesn’t stop. It changes. View the first year as a project ‘keep the kid alive for 12 months’ and after that you’ll likely be quite a different person. You’ll be surprised how enjoyable parenthood can be, stressful sure, but it’s brilliant.
    This Saturday my 3 year old daughter helped me build and plant some new flowerbeds. A two hour job took five, and honestly I’ve never enjoyed being in the garden more! On Sunday I took my 4 year old son to Junior parkrun, had a right laugh. You’re swapping your ‘total freedom’ for something with less freedom but ultimately, for me at least, more rewarding.

18. Honestly, none of it really mattered to me anymore the first time I heard my baby cry. I had a really nice lifestyle before getting married. I was a digital nomad for a decade, traveling excessively and living on a couple continents. I now own a house on the same street I grew up on and if given the opportunity I’d have had kids earlier.

    The lack of sleep and needing to plan and schedule intercourse are harder to accept. Eventually, I assume, that becomes easier and as you and your child get older I think they’ll probably keep you more active that you would have been otherwise.

19. You can do things at a younger age than you think. Just how much prep and extra equipment you need to take care of your kid while doing some of those things. Although yeah, I have a routine to be a part of 97% of the time with an occasional skip out.

20. >I love my ability to hike

    This is like literally the one thing you really don’t have to give up with kids. They make amazing giant baby hiking backpacks and then once they are walking they will happily go with you. No you aren’t doing a technical like scrabbling exercise but our 16 month old will happily hoof it down a nature trail for an hour or two.

21. There’s always the road not taken. That is life. Children can enrich your life, but can also be detrimental. Just make the most of what you have.

22. It’s complicated. 0-5,6 years you have no free time or life. It’s centered around the little one. You may get some weekends, occasional vacation if you have a decent support system in place to allow it. Hobbies go the the back burner. Expensive hobbies are usually over.

    6-12 you start gaining some freedom as babysitters can help out in evenings if you need to get away. But you are still pretty locked down during the week. Sports usually kick off around this time and are a time suck on the weekends. But enjoyable because you have kids enjoying themselves playing.

    12-18 the freedom starts to return in chunks. You still have a lot of kids stuff going on but your hobbies outside the house can slowly start returning. Sports or school activities take up sooo much time if you are an active parent and volunteering. You can also have hobbies with the kids. Adventures to go on.

    As 18 approaches it seems like you have nothing to do and so much extra time. There is a flurry of busy right around that graduation year but then suddenly you are looking at your spouse wondering where the time went. How you got older, a bit more out of shape and suddenly have a bit more spending money.

    You don’t really have a loss of freedom but a responsibility to allow them the freedom to grow. It just becomes part of life. Just starting the empty nesting in our house and it’s odd to be able to just go do something without making sure the ducks are in a row at home. You also really reconnect with your spouse if you both survived staying together through all the ups and downs.

23. You need a partner that will support you that feels the same I have that freedom, we pre organize days where if I wanna catch up with friends at night or go out on the weekend my SO will look after the child, then there are days my SO will want to go out and I’ll look after the kid. It’s all about balance but you need to have the same values and give 50-50 to have that freedom.

24. Just a heads up, don’t wait forever. The chance for additional pregnancy issues and birth defects statistically increase quite at a bit for a woman at 35. I have three kids and barely leave the house because I love every minute hanging out with them, I was not like that prior to having them, they are awesome and will drive you crazy every hour of every day.

25. I found that after 35 I’d already done a lot of that stuff many times so it was starting to get a little old. Then having a child added a whole other sense of purpose in life. I do miss travel though, as it’s much harder with a baby. But eventually it’ll be easier to travel again.

26. You enjoy the free time you DO have much more.

27. Not a father so take my advice for what it’s worth. But if you’re struggling with this now, don’t make a baby with someone.

    I’m 45. I never wanted to kids. Nothing about any of it has ever seemed remotely appealing. And you know what? I made the right choice!

    The freedom I enjoy now is magic. And it’s not about sex. It’s about peace. For all intents and purpose, I do whatever I want. It’s great. Never gets old.

    I simply do not want the chaos of raising a family. There’s nothing wrong with that, especially now with… All of this. Focus on your own happiness and the rest will follow.