I heard my father tell my mother that she did not give him as much peace in 20 years as the other woman gave him in 15 days. And I am unable to trust men since that day.

27 comments

1. Unfortunately, the only way to fix trust issues is by slowly building trust. Trust is a difficult thing it’s like a house of cards, it’s really easy to destroy and hard to build. That’s a difficult thing about relationships to, you have to put yourself out there kind of knowing you might get hurt. Your dad’s behavior could have effected your brothers too. Like they could also have seen relationships as something were you put your trust in someone only to be hurt, but took a different direction in coping, by only having casual relationships, basically not putting themselves out enough to get hurt. Statistics on cheating are pretty evenly spread between men and women, though. The main difference is the reasoning behind it. It’s probably worth seeing a therapist about though if it’s a big issue and hindering your ability to have relationships.

2. If you never take any risks, you’ll stay in the same place your whole life.
   Also, as always, try to get into therapy. It can really help to have someone to talk to.

3. OP, I would recommend therapy if you aren’t seeing anybody yet — your trust issues stem from an extremely traumatic memory of your parents’ relationship that is clearly still affecting you today. Not saying it’s irrational — it’s extremely rational and clear to trace the lineage of trauma — but you’re going to need to work through the trauma and get to the place of being able to build trust, and you’re going to need help doing that work. Good luck!

4. >My brother told me all men have to be fake with their wives because no man is truly happy in their marriage no matter how much they love their partner.

   I can tell you that your brother’s statement is absolutely incorrect. He could be telling the truth about *his* relationships (poor him and his partner(s), if so) – but it’s absolutely not true for all.

   I’ve been with my now-wife for nearly 20 years, and honesty and being open with one another is foundational to our relationship – especially being honest with one another when either of us is unhappy about something, then working towards resolving things *together*. I genuinely would label myself as being ‘happy’ and ‘content’ as a general state.

   Your brother has likely had his views heavily shaped by (terrible-for-living-happily) lessons he learned from watching and listening to his dad, who clearly has some *very* screwed up views that brought joy to roughly no-one (maybe not even himself).

   It sounds like your brother and dad come from that old-school adversarial way of viewing relationships, where the wife is seen as a child-caring obstacle to happiness and fun; rather than a ‘partner in crime’ in life together.

   The former view seems to have been *extremely* common back in my grandparents’ time, when divorce wasn’t as ‘acceptable’ as it is now (vs. the classic “Oh divorce is terrible! If your husband just cheats, and *hardly* ever beats you, that’s not so bad…” eras).

   From what I can tell from talking with our coupled up friends, the ‘partners in crime’ type relationship seems a lot more common these days – maybe because there’s a less social separation between men and women (at least in the US) now vs. our grandparents time where where mixed gender friends groups seemed a lot less common, and it was just kind of understood that you didn’t discuss certain topics with ‘the opposite gender.’

5. Yes, there are a lot of shitty men out there. Many of them will want to date you. But the issue isn’t really the men, the issue is why do women put up with it when they could simply leave?

   What you have to do is learn to bail at the first red flag. Seriously, as soon as he does something disrespectful, end it and start over with a new guy. Don’t be like every woman in your life and try to change a shitty man because it’s never going to happen. Dont linger for years being unhappy hoping a man will change, take him back after getting cheated on or have a baby hoping he will finally step up. He won’t. Just dip out, block him, move on and try again with another man.

   Just listen to your gut, your female intuition. It will never lead you astray. If you get a bad feeling about a guy, if he says something that makes you feel weird or uncomfortable, don’t brush it off. Listen to yourself and trust yourself.

   You say you don’t trust men, but you actually don’t trust YOURSELF to pick a good man. You choose who to date, marry, have kids with. You get to choose the man. So make sure your picker is calibrated correctly and you will not have any more problems with men, because the bad ones you will simply detect early and brush off.

6. First and foremost, your parents marriage is not anything like you assume. A marriage is complicated, what you heard and saw are *your* interpretations **not** reality. Even if your mother spoke to you about it, it’s still *her* version.

   Same as all the other male relationships. It’s *their* interpretations. That doesn’t mean it’s universal and most importantly, correct.

   You need to speak to a therapist. They can help you understand all of the above as well as organize and work through your self sabotaging thoughts.

7. Get yourself some therapy, it’ll be a big help. Childhood emotional wounds are some of the hardest to heal, working on that first with a professional will help in the long run cause if you do decide to enter a relationship you’ll be doing it with a better set of emotional tools, and it will allow you to build that trust with someone worthy of it, and it will help you recognise those who truly are.

   If it feels like you’re in love with this guy already, chances are you might be having some attachment trauma triggered by finally feeling like you’ve found someone you can consider trusting. Not to say that means your feelings aren’t real, or that a relationship with him would be a bad thing. But sometimes our baggage can get in the way of things.

   I understand if using the word trauma seems a bit heavy, but if it makes you feel better I’m sure the statistic is something like 60% of people have attachment issue due to problems/inconsistencies/bad stuff in childhood, you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. As hard as it is to see right now, there are people out there in the world you can trust. And I reckon therapy will help you find them and hold onto to them when you do.

8. I grew up in a culture where women are second class citizens. My father also cheated on my mother as well, and for a long time I had your same outlook on life. I didn’t trust men, and I was resigned to never getting married.

   (Unlike you, I dated. I just had no intention of every getting married or serious.)

   **My husband is amazing.** My best friend of 20 years, who is a guy , is also amazing and wonderful to his wife.

   There is this saying, ‘You are the company you keep.’ You brothers learned from your father’s example. And I’m guessing most of the men in his family are that way as well. You need to get away from them and get some good honest people in your life.

   It makes a world of difference when you are surrounded by real genuine people.

9. [removed]

10. The men in your family have a twisted way of living and found women that just accepted and tolerated it.

    There is always a very good chance you might gravitate towards a man that resembles these men since they have always been constant in your life.

    The best way to break this cycle is by getting therapy, addressing the issue and move on from it.

    One thing is for sure you can never trust anyone 100% people charge for many reasons but trust someone to be with in a relationship requires a give and take. The kind of tolerance your mother, aunt and perhaps your sister in law show is not normal.

    In this day and age no one is willing to stick around a cheat. Women have options

11. I was jaded from my parents’ relationship as well but I luckily found one of the very few good men out there. Having witnessed how bad it could get actually is a good thing because you would know when to walk away.

12. >I was 10 when he started to cheat. I once heard them argue and he said he is so happy with her, she gave him the peace in only 15 days that my mom couldn’t give him in 20 years. I have never forgotten his words or his tone He had so much hatred for the woman who loved him so much. Eventually he and mom somehow worked it out and they are still together.

    For you to get some peace with it, ask your Dad and Mom about how they have stayed together through the tough times of a marriage bond, and then recount the memory of the words and tone so you can get their adult perspective now that you are also an adult. Kids have a fundamental need for security so you may have mistaken defensive frustration with hatred.

13. Not all men are like the ones in your family. Some are good and loyal. Definitely get some therapy. Give this guy a chance. Trust until they give you are reason not to just don’t be the woman that stays if they betray you. Always stay financially stable so you are never trapped into staying.

14. Absolutely do not let shitty men ruin your chances of being with a good one.

15. It’s not as simple as men are like this, and women ate like that. Whoever tells you that is full of crap. We are all complex creatures, and they way we interact is also complex.

    Your brothers are young and being idiots, they learn when they get their hearts broken.

    It sounds like what your father did was a really shitty thing. I’d imagine that there was some breakdown in their relationship that caused all that anger. I’m not defending him, but this stuff doesn’t normally happen overnight, that’s all I’m saying.

    Relationships takes work, life is hard and tiring (especially with 3 kids) and a lot of the time, your relationship will get damaged because you’re not maintaining it.

    So find a partner, take time to be together and also be apart. Learn to work together and, above all, communicate. Everything else pretty much comes down to luck.

    But you’ll never know until you try. Life is about highs and lows, if you don’t put yourself out there, you’ll miss out on the best bits.

    Oh and let it go with your parents. You were a child and didn’t see everything, your mum made her decisions for her own reasons and doesn’t need you judging her for them. Your parents aren’t perfect, nobody is.

    Get help with your hangups. Otherwise, they’ll shape your entire life.

16. Here’s the thing. It’s not just men. Women do this too often too. People suck in general. It’s about finding someone who you can slowly get to know better and be able to put your trust into. NEVER fall headfirst blindly into a new relationship. Take your time and take it easy.

17. As hard as it is, those attitudes are of those men not all men. And tbh it is rarely indicative of how they truly feel.

    I know a few toxic men who, outwardly, degrade and insult their partners to *everyone*. Being with them is the biggest chore in the world and they’re so hard done to.

    Privately of course its another matter. It’s important to understand this is because of toxicity, not men in general.

    They simply don’t respect women, period. The best thing you can do to avoid it in your own relationships is to never tolerate any disrespect. Disrespecting women is also disrespectful to you. Don’t let men try and convince you you’re “not like them” or somehow different. You’re not. You just haven’t upset the man saying it yet. Walk away freely, too.

18. Realize that nobody has to accommodate you, but when you express yourself and become vulnerable about these emotions you are telling us, you may find someone that is willing to love you and be good to you regardless. These problems are personal meaning it’s not the responsibility of anyone outside of ourselves to resolve them. One of the beautiful things about relationships / love is it is a choice, we choose the person we are with everyday. It is very scary so I understand & it’s hard for me to completely trust anyone. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors 😀

19. I have the same trust issues as you do. Except I tried to be brave and trust people and date, and I trusted all the wrong people and my issues are worse cuz I feel like I’m blind to something and I can’t trust myself to choose trustworthy partners. Anyway, my advice would be to learn about what a trustworthy person looks like and what red flags look like. Like with anything else, prepare yourself before pursuing a new endeavor.

20. It’s obviously a pattern with the men in your family and they are passing it on to their sons. I also think your dad and other male relatives would be singing a different tune if they left their wives and moved in with another woman. They are probably only experiencing the new and exciting stage with these women. They aren’t having to go through the business of life with them: raising kids, taking care of the house, budgets… All of stuff makes a difference.

21. For me it was being afraid to trust because I watched my Mom live with domestic abuse for so long. I was afraid to trust my husband to NOT physically hurt me if we got into an argument. Physical abuse was one of my boundaries that I gave him before we decided to become a serious relationship. Cheating was the second boundary. We got married really young, I was 19 he was 21. It took me too many years to build my trust in him.

    He has never once raised a hand to me, thank goodness. He has a tendency to adopt little sisters though, his 2 closest friends are women, one who is almost young enough to be our daughter. He loves them, and their families. It took me a long time to understand their friendships. They are his chosen FAMILY, and I know that he would never do anything to endanger those relationships.

    We’ve been married for 34 years now. I trusted my gut about him when I met his parents, I was told the way his Dad is, will be similar for him. I absolutely loved both of his parents and I was really close with both of them since my Mom had died when I was 12 and my bio-Dad was never a part of my life. My husband’s Dad was always very charming, and protective of all women. I guess I am lucky that my husband is like his Dad.

22. I would suggest telling this guy your view point. You see him and tell why you have been so withdrawn, and then see someone about it.

    I can understand why you have such issues. You don’t want to invest all your time and love into someone and it all be for nothing but heartbreak.

    I don’t think this is something you can tackle on your own. If you try to pursue him now, you will subconsciously be looking for anything and everything that could even remotely make him similar to your father or brother. I would highly suggest talking to a counselor.

    Good luck.

23. >My brother told me all men have to be fake with their wives because no man is truly happy in their marriage no matter how much they love their partner.

    I’ve been married to my wife for a year. We’ve been dating for 19 years. I don’t want anyone else. We have our issues to sort through like every couple, but I don’t feel the need to be fake with her. I think you should pursue this fellow while also signing up for therapy. Therapy has helped me a ton with various issues.

24. Just because your dad, brothers and uncle are absolute trash doesn’t mean every guy is like that. There are good guys out there is just that all your masculine references you have are not, now you have a reference of the type of man you don’t want in your life

25. The examples for men you have in your life are trash ( Sorry i know it’s your family). I know it’s hard to trust people with examples like that but i can promise you that not all men are like that. My husband and i are each other’s whole world. We are honest and open about everything and i do mean everything so please don’t let them ruin someone or something that could be wonderful for you. If you take a leap and it doesn’t work out at least you tried. Also seek therapy for trust issues, i think it could help alot. Any partner you have should be aware you are working on trust issues and it may even take some time before you are even ready to have a partner.

26. Your feelings aren’t wrong. It makes sense to be suspicious of men. Being decent is optional for them. Don’t give a man the benefit of the doubt. Let him earn your trust.

27. Decide that you are strong and resilient. You are not your mother. You will not stay with a man who is good to you. You will be with a man only as long as you enjoy each other’s company and are good to each other. The moment he’s not a good part of your life, you’ll let him go and be better for it.

    Trusting yourself to take care of you is more important than trusting other people.