A bit of background, I used to have a dependency on weed for a while but I stopped using it a few months ago. We are in a place where it is legal. We’ve been dating officially 3 months. My boyfriend hates weed to an extreme extent and we’ve had multiple talks where I said I wasn’t going to do it ever or this summer. I said that more for his benefit than mine, I had doubts.
I’ve been thinking about this summer and while I’m away I really want to partake occasionally. I honestly miss it and would love to just have fun this summer with no worries. I would stick to just sometimes on the vacation and stop when I got back.
I know if I bring this up to him then we will have an argument. I’m wondering if I should even tell him. I’ve talked to friends and they said to just do what I have to do and not say anything because I can make my own decisions. On the other hand, I hate lying and I just don’t do it, I’d feel guilty. He has said that if I ever went behind his back he’d feel betrayed and lied to.
This really is the only thing that’s an issue, he’s relaxed with anything else and not controlling in the slightest, he just hates substances like this.
I don’t really know what to do and I’d appreciate some advice!
Tl;dr I want to smoke weed this summer and want advice on how to handle telling my boyfriend
12 comments
It’s ok to change your mind about what you want to do, but then you should be honest with him and let him decide if that’s truly a deal break for him or not.
Honestly in my experience this is not going to be the only thing you two disagree on and are incompatible about. It’s just the first thing that has really come up. You’ve only been dating 3 months.
If my partner told me they wouldn’t do something I hated then went and did it behind my back that would be a relationship ending betrayal.
Your partner can’t ‘control’ what you do, but certainly has a right to not be with someone who uses drugs (whether or not that person agrees with him).
Weed is one of those things that can be a sticking point in relationships for sure.. up to you to decide if you want to give it up for him.
So you made a mistake by promising him this. You took the easy way out – you told him what he wanted to hear rather than the truth.
Now you’re pretty young so I’m not going to rake you over the coals for that, but I just think it’s worth pointing out. Don’t do that. DO NOT make promises you don’t intend to keep. Because the fight you’re going to have now is bigger than the fight you would have had if he had been up front to begin with.
So now you have to be honest with him. “Hey, I told you this thing. I’ve changed my mind about it. I may smoke some weed during the summer. I respect your opinion and won’t do it around you, but smoking it overall is my choice to make. Because you don’t like it I’m not going to talk about it around you, but honestly is important to me and so I’m going to be straightforward about my intentions.”
And the thing is: it takes two to argue. He’s allowed to express his opinions, but you don’t have to engage. You can just say, “I hear that, but you’re making a choice for you, and I’m making a choice for me, and I’m not interested in discussing it any longer.”
If he won’t let it go, you get off the phone or stop texting back: “You’ve made your opinion clear and I don’t see any reason why we need to discuss this further.”
IMO you have to be on the same page w drinking/drugs, or it’ll be a constant source of tension.
core incompatibilty, its better for both to break up sooner than later
You have to say something. It’s better to work on these bad habits now, it will pay dividends moving forward in future relationships.
>I used to have a dependency on weed for a while
If you smoked to the point you have a self identified dependency then perhaps the bigger concern is that right now. The reality is that a lot of people prone to dependency and addiction always argue they will just be casual, that the usage will be minor. But the spiral often begins from there and I personally would argue that you are basically tempting fate here. After all, you’ll be anxious about smoking which will make you want to smoke more which will make you anxious and etc.
Regarding him, well, he has made it clear it is a boundary. You agreed to that boundary. If you want to go back on that then that is fine but have the conversation and allow him the option to walk away. Because you won’t be able to hide it and when he inevitably finds out that will make all of this explode in a way it shouldn’t have to.
If you go behind his back, you ARE betraying him and lying to him. There’s no “he’d feel like” about it.
Look, if you want to smoke weed, tell him that, and accept the consequences. You’ve been dating a few months, it won’t be the end of the world if he breaks up with you. But you have to give him the actual choice. Everyone has dealbreakers, and the right to enforce them by leaving. Don’t trick him into thinking you’re someone you’re not. It won’t end well for either of you.
Also, friends who encourage you to do drugs and lie to your boyfriend are shitty friends. Just so you know.
True is the truth ,you know it s not good but you still use it. If he knew and he love you , he must inhibit you.
If you decide to quit ,you should tell him and trust he would encourage you.
If you intent to use weed and never to quit ,you should tell him and ready for anything will happen after that better than argument.
If my GF went and did something that she swore she wouldn’t behind my back, I’d feel betrayed too.
As others have said, this won’t be the only disagreement you two will have in a relationship but it is on you two to decide if it is a deal breaker.
(Do you want to compromise your smoking to be with him?) or (Can he tolerate your smoking to be with you?)
> I used to have a dependency on weed
And you think that’s just gone away because you took a break?
If it was just smoking casually, I’d say no big deal. But someone who’s addicted can’t just smoke casually. It’s like saying an alcoholic is OK to have “just a few drinks.”
If you don’t want to live up to the promise you made, at least be honest with him and end it, don’t smoke behind his back.
You say you don’t lie, but this reads like, “I’ve lied multiple times.”
> we’ve had multiple talks where I said I wasn’t going to do it ever or this summer
Just be honest. If he ends it, at least you were upfront about it. But you made a promise (and I have my doubts whether it was even sincere at the time), and it’s clear it’s a dealbreaker for him. You’re allowed to do what you want, but it’s also fair of him to have that dealbreaker. At least give him enough respect to be honest and let him choose for himself if he wants to stick around with all the info.
> would love to just have fun this summer with no worries
You can’t have fun without the substance you were dependent on (and “I was dependent on it” doesn’t sound like “fun with no worries”)? That’s sad. It sounds like you have to pick weed or your boyfriend. It’s your choice, just be honest about it.