I feel like a loser or the odd one out because I’m so quiet and reserved.

Went to a party the other day, I only knew one other person there really well, and there were at least 20 people, minimum. And they all knew each other just talking to one another. I’m sitting there barely talking because 1). I have no idea what to say to these people without butting into other conversations, 2). I’m sitting there wondering what the hell is wrong with me and 3). I feel like a loser because I have only spoken a little bit to the people I do know, and not very much because they were doing their own thing.

I have so much to say, there are so many things I’m interested in, and I’m genuinely interested in getting to know people but because I have been in this shell of quietness and reservation to brand new people until I warm up to them, it’s so hard to break out of it. When I am in a group of 4 or less, that’s very very easy for me. That I can manage, 6 or more, I stay quiet.

When I got back to my car, I sat there, I just wanted to cry, because I’m not like them. I don’t want to talk about surface level crap, stuff that doesn’t EVER stimulate my brain of knowledge and learning, or things that we can dive deep into a thorough discussion. All I could think about was wanting to play guitar, my workout the next day, reading or what video game to play when I get back.

I feel so horrible about myself, and I feel like this is a curse of mine to bear, and it’s been like that ever since I was kid, hearing comments about how I was always the quiet one, not saying much, just listening to others.