There’s probably no way around the “I told you so”. I (25f)broke up with my boyfriend(27m) sunday morning due to the fact that he was messaging his “work crush” and messaging old co-workers saying they where cute and was going to take them out. His excuse was because he was horny, but we would have sex pretty frequently and I never received any complaints. Ironically I found out all of this when his grandmother was calling him an ungrateful grandson. A part of me is relieved because his family dynamic was really bad and yet I feel so depressed because I really believed a facade, he’s so secretive he dosnt even tell his own friends his feelings (only when he is in destress). I know i deserve way better, I just dont know how to cope 3 years of lost opportunities of happiness. Even if im really depressed and dont know what go do with myself, im just sticking myself into studying to not think about it since it hurts too much.
His grandmother messaged me pretty much to give him excuses so we can get back together because she thinks I was “the one”. But enabling this behavior is sickening, it makes my stomach turn to think someone believes talking to people intimately who are not a s/o is not bad, but at least they didn’t physically cheat(this lady is delulu).
I find it hard to think of myself as,” loving, ambitious, smart, honest and true” like this grandmother viewed me and just makes me ever more sad to think that he didn’t appreciate those qualities. I know I really need to start focusing on myself yet I dont know where to begin.
11 comments
This happened just two days ago… Take your time to heal and realize what you really need in a relationship.
If you feel pressured by him or his family, then block them straight or avoid the messages as much as you can.
Being horny is the lamest, effortless excuse I’ve heard in my whole life.
Scrap that idea that you wasted your time. Most people overthink time. You won’t get it back no matter how much you beat yourself up about it, to me that sounds like wasted energy.
Learn from the past, live in the present and look towards the future.
The best day to start is always today, second best is tomorrow. That is all there is to it. Life is not black and white, you are not just doing great or doing horrible, sometimes you are just simply in the middle of it.
Read some books if you want, they helped me a lot. I am sure there are some books on selflove etc out there that might be for you.
Ask yourself who you want to be as a person and try to be that person. Simple as that 🙂
Step by step and you will be amazed how far you can come in very little time.
First off cut off grandma. She’s not helping the healing process and she’s likely from a generation that stick by toxic men. Cut her off and any other ties you have to his family.
Secondly, don’t ignore your pain, feel it:
In order to heal you must feel
I’m order to grow through it, you have to go through it.
It’s not easy but it’s better now than when you’re 30 and you’d have wasted your 20s.
Cry, feel sad, grieve the relationship because when relationships end, the brain processes it through an act of grieving, so allow yourself to grieve. You were a good woman for the wrong one, and you now need to take the time out to reflect:
Why we’re you attracted to him?
What were the red flag(s) (the ones you missed, the ones you ignored)?
What are the lessons to be learnt
What have you come to learn about yourself
What do you desire in your future
What has this man taught you about men that you’d NOT like to experience again?
What are your standards going forward?
What are your non-negotiables going forward?
What are your boundaries going forward?
Go through the motions and assess yourself internally. Start to do new things, new hobbies, new activities etc. maybe even do solo trips, even if it’s small ones like weekend getaways in you country of origin. Do things to rediscover yourself and to pour back into yourself.
I don’t recommend you date for a while (at least a year), so you can heal, release, and reestablish yourself, take each day as it comes, and journal. Journaling will help you process, and it will help you keep a log of things so you can look back and evaluate yourself in the future. Be kind and gentle with yourself and don’t blame yourself. Ultimately, it’s his loss and the grass is greener, you just have to take time mourn and move forward.
In one year from now you won’t be in the same place, but if you choose to stay attached to him (and/or his family) it will hold you back from moving forward.
Good luck, things will get better!
First block him and his family.
You do not need the gaslighting and pressureing they enact towards you to get back with their cheating relative.
Then you need to take your time to be hurt. I know this sounds stupid but you need to feel the pain in order to detach yourself from your ex-partner. Always keep in mind that he caused it and you are in no shape or from to blame for his decision.
After that you need to start the healing process.
Go out and try to occupy yourself with activities you like. Maybe even pick up a new hobby you always wanted to try.
Meet with family and friends. Do something physical like hiking or go to a gym.
The pain will get easier to manage over time. Do not let your feelings beat you into isolation.
Block them all in every way. Continuously being in contact is delaying you moving on
Block him and his family. Lose their phone numbers. Delete their socials. Do not look them up.
Get busy!
Fill your social life.
Throw yourself into new projects, ideally ones that include other people.
I really struggle with “stop thinking about it”, so what I did was every time he popped into my thoughts I’d tell myself…
“Don’t think about him now, focus on what you are doing, and I’ll give myself an hour this evening to consider those feelings”
For me …. Journaling helped in that “hour”, I’d just write out all the thoughts, even the sad and embarrassing ones.
It’s early days, so be kind to yourself, give yourself several months of being single, just to get used to not having someone else’s voice in your head before you start dating again.
Good luck, this part sucks!
With them being put on paper, I didn’t feel like I “needed” to consider that “part” of the emotion again, because it was there on paper.
step over them but make sure the floor isn’t slippery or you’ll fall
You are 25…. i know right now it might seem like the hardest thing in the world to believe that a time will come where you will laugh about it…. but at 25 the world is your oyster you will meet tons of people and many many guys that will treat you better and appreciate you … move on and forget the guy
Like everyone said, cut and block all communication to his family. Sleep it off, try to find some new hobbies, or binge on a show. The more time and distracted you are, the more you will feel less attached.
I highly suggest starting (if you are into reading) a book called “radical acceptance” by Tara Brach. It’s a book that was written for the application of Buddhist principles for addiction, but it has worked wonders on self reliance and my behavioral addictions (codependency, jealousy, self loathing, emotional monitoring, and trauma responses from my past).