Update: thank you for everyone’s reactions, especially for those who suggested an open discussion and pressing more. We called the girl together from his phone and the girl also mentioned that she can’t explain why they exchanged numbers during the party, but she can confirm they didn’t do anything. My fiancé apologized to me for getting the phone number, but he’s extremely pissed at me for my snooping, and for my lack of trust in him – he says I have trust issues, and I overreacted the situation. I still think it was a fair reaction to him getting a random girl’s phone number in a party. He also explained the past situation abroad, where he felt it was a fun story to tell friends, and he wasn’t transparent with me because he was afraid of my reaction. He enjoyed the temptation but he didn’t act on it and he sees it as an appreciation to our relationship instead of something harmful. On this one we won’t agree, and I don’t think I can easily overcome, even if I beleive he didn’t cheat.
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My (32F) fiancé (32M) came home blackout drunk from his bachelor party. In his phone history, visible calls made to a girl he didn’t know before, at 4 am. All those calls were cancelled or missed. He says the girl was partying with him and his friends, and nothing happened. He doesn’t remember when and how he saved the girl’s number and name.
He also hid information from me in the past when he traveled abroad, going out at night with a girl he met there, and booking hotel rooms next to each other, bragging to his friends by sending photos of him and the girl, claiming he could have done things but he resisted.
He says I should trust him, but it’s hard, and I don’t know how he would react if the story was reversed. Even if he didn’t cheat, I feel disrespected on so many levels. Any advice what to do? Should I just let this go and get married?
We’ve been together for 7 years.
33 comments
Why are you marrying someone you don’t trust?
Maybe there was a responsible lady there who told him to call her if he doesn’t find the way home because he is too drunk. But I don’t think that happened like that. Call the number and just ask if Drunkie Mc Drunkerson doesn’t know anymore.
Please rember: You’re worthy of being loved by someone trustworthy!
And with that thought face the world around You.
So he remembers that nothing happened but he doesn’t remember how he got her phone number?
Gotta hate that selective memory loss some people seem to have.
If he’s not trustworthy now, getting married won’t make him trustworthy. It’ll just make breaking up a lot more complicated. If you have any doubts at all then you shouldn’t marry him.
This man sounds TERRIBLE run away as fast as you can and don’t look back. Marrying him would be a huge mistake
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering why he hides his interactions with other women? Trust needs to be earned, and he clearly hasn’t done that. Married couples should be transparent about their interactions with members of the opposite sex. It doesn’t seem like he’s capable of being transparent. Getting blackout drunk and saying you don’t remember is not an excuse. If anything, it’s a sign that he’s not mature enough to be married. These are huge red flags, and if I were you I would really consider if you want to spend your life like this.
Damn OP how much more obvious your fiancee has to be?? He at least has an emotional affair which blossomed into a physical one.
I dont understand why you even are thinking about marrying this vile disgusting ahole. You are being a bad friend to yourself by staying.
Have some self respect OP, dont let him gaslight you and break up
He can’t even be trusted for one night and you want to trust him for a lifetime??? A person is either loyal or not, there is no in between, there is no grey area. And please, please don’t believe that he will change or that you will make him change.
Be careful who you chose to be your husband and the father of your children. He can easily ruin your life.
Why should you trust him??? He’s proven to be not trustworthy in the past. What has he done to gain trust??
Are you sure you want to marry this guy? I wouldn’t. He shouldn’t be trusted he’s not trustworthy.
if you marry him, you know exactly what you’re getting. he’s not going to magically change, this will continue.
You would be a fool if you marry him. Time and time again he has betrayed your trust. You really think after you get married he will change.
Why are you with him.
He’s obvious in everything he’s doing.
If you need proof for yourself, Contact the girl.
Should you marry him? Based on info provided: No.
Call her.
You know how some people get so deep into a relationship and all they can say is “I wish I saw the signs sooner”? Guess what…. this is your sign. Get the fuck out while you still can or stop complaining.
That’s a pretty big red flag he’s waving, run girl this man ain’t loyal.
Please don’t get married. Find someone more mature!
So every time he leaves town he needs to find women who aren’t you to occupy his time?
Babe, the writing is kind of on the wall.
Goes abroad, then gets intentionally adjoining rooms with a woman he doesn’t know, is close enough to her to get pictures and need to highlight resisting her.
Goes on bachelor trip and gets a woman’s number, a woman who is blowing up his phone, while he hides it.
He’s shown you who he is, and you *chose* not to believe him. Love isn’t letting your partner constantly test the bounds of fidelity to prove you trust them, as anyone who truly loves and respects you would never do things like that.
Best of luck with whatever your decision is here. It sounds like you’re very committed to him regardless of his evident lying. **But in future when the lies get bolder, and you’re not quite sure how you got there, please remember this post.**
People reveal who they are, and it’s up to us to believe them. And if his boundaries with other women are incompatible with what you hold true, then that’s just it. He clearly sees no issue in his action, and isn’t really looking or interested in changing (and this is also his norm, as well as him having no issue lying to cover) so either you’re going to put up with it or go where your values align.
It’s glaring how obvious he is about this. You’re too close to the situation and likely can’t think straight. A person who loves you and is committed to you won’t stray while traveling without you. Don’t marry him. It’s just a divorce waiting to happen.
Jesus, why are you marrying this guy? He consistently disrespects you and your relationship. This is what you want your life to be? Wondering about him every time he goes out with friends or on trips? Find someone who values you. This guy isn’t him
Love is a very important aspect of a relationship.
So is trust. And respect. You don’t seem to trust your fiancee, and he doesn’t respect you as his soon-to-be wife.
Love isn’t enough to hold people together. Sort out the trust and respect issues (if you feel inclined) before marriage. Otherwise you’ll likely join the 50% divorce rate statistics.
This man is not ready for marriage, or the lifelong committment to monogamy that a good family can be built on. Maybe you’re too close to see it, but it’s perfectly obvious he’s neither ready for, nor serious about marriage.
Was previously engaged to a man I was with for over 4 years. There were some suspicious things that had happened at various times but I had no concrete proof (before cell phones were widely used, girl backed up his story, etc . . ) He made me feel that I was the issue bc I didn’t trust him. 7 weeks before the wedding he goes out with a group of friends, gets drunk, ends up with a girls #, “nothing happened.” He ended up calling off the wedding just weeks later to be with that same girl.
Best thing that ever happened to me! I met my husband now less than a year later and we just celebrated our 22nd anniversary.
There are so many red flags here. Please don’t complicate your situation by marrying him and bringing children into this. He has disrespected you in so many ways. There are men out there who would treat you so much better. Be good to yourself! Know your worth!
Next time she calls answer the number or call it yourself. But stop hoping his lies are true. They aren’t. You don’t have trust issues. Your instincts are right on! Believe them.
Girl this is a pattern! These are things you will look back in 5 years when you catch him and say I should have taken it as a sign. Anyway, call the number and talk to her.
“Should I just let this go and get married” never something you wanna say before being married.
Even if he didn’t cheat, doesn’t look good does it. Basically bragging for “resisting” a girl he could have slept with and bragging about it to friends is just absolutely not something I’d want to be in a marriage with. At bare minimum he’s lying or leaving things out that wouldn’t incriminate him. The biggest problem
Is that you clearly don’t trust him, so I would say trust your gut and never marry someone if you are feeling this unsettled.
The blackout drunk excuse is basically a catch all phrase so people can do anything they want because supposedly they don’t remember. He *put* himself in this situation. I would definitely put the marriage on hold. Disrespect and disloyalty are the downfall of marriage.
Oh, he remembers exactly how and when he got that number. He also remembers what he did with her. Why are you excusing the fact your man got a girl’s number and may have more than likely cheated physically?
Unless you want to suffer through a miserable marriage which will turn into an expensive brutal divorce, it’s time to leave and not look back. The hair stands up on the back of my neck thinking you are going to marry this guy! Save yourself from this painful choice, you will be so happy that you did!
I would not marry this man if I were you
But if you decide to marry him, you need a prenup that stipulates you get a metric fuck ton of money if he ever cheats on you
Don’t marry him. He’s not going to stop, and will likely escalate (assuming he hasn’t) to sex once he feels you’re trapped. Don’t do it.
After your update: YIKES, RUN!