My boyfriend (33M) and I (32F) got together after I got out of a 10 year marriage and him a seven year marriage, and I moved in shortly after. We have been together for two years now. To get to the point- I am feeling like I am burden rather than a partner. I don’t feel like when we first got together and I’m tired of going back and forth in my head about if he really loves me. He used to tell me every day he loves me and that he was so happy that he found the perfect person for him, as did I. I understand the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship But this is a complete 180 of who I met and fell in love with. I do everything for him- cook, clean, take care of all three dogs (one being mine I brought with me the other two are his), make coffee every morning before he goes to work at 2 am, pack his lunch every day, laundry folded and put away, take out the trash. And I do that because I genuinely care and appreciate what he does for me (moving me in, he pays all of the bills except for my cell phone and occasional groceries) I am a teacher (year round) 40 hours a week and he works 70+ hours a week. He doesn’t kiss me when he gets home anymore, he doesn’t tell me he loves me unless I say it first, he tells me that I need to do xyz at the house, he tells me I need to stop talking to this person or that person because it’s a waste of time. He told me that he wanted to have kids, now he doesn’t know if he does which is a huge issue for me as I’m 32. When I bring it up he just says he doesn’t mean he doesn’t want kids, he just doesn’t know when. I feel incredibly invalidated in what I do and he likes to remind me of what all he does for me. He isn’t the same person I started dating. He has become mean and makes me feel unimportant in his life. It’s like I was roped in, fell in love and it was all a façade. I don’t know what to do. I have talked to him about my feelings but again, I feel invalidated and he changes for a few days and then goes right back to what he has become. He tells me he loves me and wants us to work out, he is stressed at work etc… I am lost and want things to change. I don’t want to be in another unhappy relationship.
TL;DR! My boyfriend has changed making me feel like it was all a facade and I don’t know what to do.
34 comments
if this is a relationship that you really care about and really think you can make work, i would recommend couples counseling. but do NOT let the memory of who someone used to be trap you in a toxic present
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Working 70+ hour weeks is just burnout in the making.
If I’m doing that I’d barely have the energy to feed myself, probably not sleeping, I’d be a mess and certainly wouldn’t have capacity for any kind of relationship.
I think you probably do know what to do, it’s that it’s hard. Your relationship isn’t meeting your needs anymore, and your boyfriend can’t or won’t make the changes that you need him to make. It sounds like you are both unhappy with each other.
He has turned you into a prisoner. For the amount he may be spending towards the household is not anything close to what you would earn for those hours doing a minimum wage job. His mentality is because he is spending most towards the living expenses, he can mistreat you as he wishes.
Luckily, I think you are sufficiently smart and a teacher to know it is high time you left. You are still young and can have a family with children; just noy with him. There is no salvaging this relationship.
have you communicated these feelings with him? like done an actual sit down?
At 2 years, you should still be in the honeymoon phase, if things are working, and that depends on at least one person in the couple keeping the intimacy alight – ie making the effort to express physical affection daily through kissing and hugging. I’m very conscious of that, now being in my second marriage, and having ended up in a sexless marriage the first time round. Physical intimacy helps keep everything else on track, because it’s something special you only share with that person, and it floods you both with feel-good hormones. The worst thing you can do in this situation is complain about what’s going wrong; if you are committed to salvaging the relationship, you need to show him why the relationship is fun and uplifting. Work stress becomes a justification for not putting effort into a relationship, but the fact is that a healthy, happy relationship helps protect against and alleviate work stress. You need that 20-second hug that releases oxytocin every single day!
Sounds like you haven’t had an honest conversation with him about how you’re feeling
He’s building assets and setting up a future for himself. Is he buying a house now or renting? You’re going along with his plan and he’s getting a homemaker. No feeling of love, no assurances of building a family. What’s his plan when he retires? Travel? Has he planned for you to retire also or is the plan for you to keep working? No baby now but does he have an idea when he sees that as viable? If you continue to work after retirement, will he be a SAHF? Just food for thought on how you factor into his plans.
He wants a live in maid he can sleep with when he wants. The ole “bait n switch”. Find someone who doesn’t make you walk on eggshells
If you know something’s wrong then trust your instincts. People change over time. And it looks like he roped you in during the honeymoon phase and then pulled a 180. I’m sorry this happened to you. But trust your gut. Worst case scenario he works a ton so you can bail and move out while he’s at work. 😅
I did the same thing to my babys momma. I made all the money and she handled house affairs. I guess looking back, I just didn’t appreciate her and what she did and took it for granted.
Also me working hard and feeling I pay for everything made me feel entitled to more rights.
Obviously it didn’t end well, although we’re on positive speaking terms now.
I realize you do all these things for him, probably more out of obligation and duty, but those things unlikely increases his appreciation for you because it didn’t for me.
What would have made me respected her more was had she stood strong and did things that inspired me, perhaps took the lead or charge in other areas. Maybe if she didn’t stay small and developed strong independent charismatic traits so that I could look to her for encouragement or see her ambitious energy being taken more seriously.
When she didn’t do much to improve herself and remained the same stagnant person, regardless of which couple does that, it guarantees the relationship fizzles out.
Sex became repetitive and boring and that doesn’t even sound interesting either.
Maybe you should spend time apart to see if it helps create a feeling of missing each other although resolves nothing at the core.
Maybe focus on you this time you become single and not on a man since it obviously doesn’t produce happiness that you thought it would. I mean, neither this or your previous marriage made you happy so maybe it means focus on you for a moment?
Time to leave. He is not a good man for you and unless you plan to do all the work you should definitely not have kids with him.
You aren’t in prison. You can leave. The only person you can control is you.
You need couples therapy. If he won’t, then you need to end this relationship.
If you’re not happy, DO something about it!
I do feel like its not that he changed, its his real self coming out. He could have just played the ideal bf and now that he wants to do whatever he wants , he feels he doesn’t need it anymore. Better to just leave him tbh
Tell him what you need, and ask him to tell you what he needs. Be ready to listen with curiosity and compassion and stand up for yourself to expect the same from him.
You’re 32. So if you want kids he needs to make up his mind *this week*. Lol
I would just move out and stop being his bangmaid if I can be frank
This is quite a common occurrence. You’ve moved into his place, and the dynamics have shifted. He’s no longer invested in wooing or romancing you, and is now backtracking on his relationship promises in terms of starting a family together.
In essence, you’ve assumed the role of *bangmaid*.
He now has his very own personal assistant to cook, clean, make his lunch, take care of his dogs, do his laundry… someone he can instruct to perform other household duties as required… along with the perks of sex on tap. All without even having to put a ring on it… or make any firm commitments to the future.
Pretty sweet deal for him… but for you..? Not so much.
You said it yourself, “It’s like I was roped in, fell in love and it was all a façade”
You do know what to do- it’s just not going to be easy doing it. If he’s already treating you this way now, it won’t be long before it steadily gets worse. How do I know? Because I made the same mistake myself, once. Start getting your ducks in a row financially and put a plan in place- you DO NOT want to be dependant upon this man- he’s already abusing the little bit of power he now has.
Reason number 5,000,001 why relationships are overrated , the era of shaming single people to be in a relationship needs to end.
Do the same. Act like he does. Do a full 180 on him and see how he likes it.
This reminds me of my mother’s second marriage, which she recently walked away from after several years of the same dynamic. In the early stages (especially when they were long-distance), it was all exciting and wonderful and he was so effusive and caring. But once they settled down, tied the knot, and she moved in, he totally switched to exactly how your boyfriend his. What we’ve come to reason is that he does not want all of the elements that come with a serious partnership, like compromise, effusiveness, effort to keep dating, etc. He wanted the rush and excitement of the early stages (with plenty of distance), and when they settled down, he wanted a maid and submissive presence who made themself known only when he wanted them to, not a real partnership. Now that they have split up, he’s all over her, being very kind and helpful and trying to rope her back in. Why? To feel some semblance of control, I’m sure, and because there are no stakes involved.
I think that you should pursue couples counseling to see if there is something deeper happening with your partner that is externally being projected onto you. Maybe he is experiencing depression, or some deep existential lack of fulfillment that is projecting onto you. But maybe at the end of the day, he’s just not the person he led you to believe he is, and he’s not a suitable or capable partner. Do not become stuck based on a memory or idea of how things used to be. Two years is no small deal, but it’s also short enough that you can get out with lessons learn and minimal time wasted. Good luck OP.
I wish you shared a little more about your timeline – how long from your respective divorces (in practice, if not legally) did you two get together? How quickly did you move in together?
Because to me, this sounds like a classic rebound situation.
And now you’re seeing him a little more clearly.
Sounds like he has built up resentment for whatever reason and now you are suffering the brunt of it. Any idea why he is acting this way? If you can’t resolve the root cause of it then I would just leave.
You never gave yourself a chance to get to know him. You met him and he love bombed you into moving in so you could be his maid. I doubt he ever truly loved you. It sounds more like he just wanted someone to take care of his house, provide for him in the home and have sex with whenever he needs it but knew he couldn’t get that for free without playing someone. And you fell for it.
Call this relationship off and in the future, don’t move in with the first man who shows you affection after a previously bad relationship. Have some more self respect for yourself.
To me it sounds like he can’t shift gears when he gets home. It’s just another work environment that needs to perform in certain ways.
Was he working this much when you first met? How were you able to date and get to know each other at that point?
I think the person you met is still in there but his mentality needs to shift, you don’t work for him, and he needs to show you gratitude with your love languages and being tuned in. Talk about a 5 year plan, plug in details like starting a family. Discuss your hesitations regarding that topic. Ask for what you want, if he can’t provide it you have your answer with no more time wasted.
Have you tried being single for a couple of years
If he wanted to he would. That’s the best advice I’ve ever gotten in all my relationships. If he wanted to show you affection and show you that he values you he would, but he doesn’t. Based on how things are I doubt he will change. Unless you’re willing to deal with that for the rest of your life, I wouldn’t stick around.
I see a few issues here.
1. He pays all of the bills. Why don’t you just pay your half? You work full time and could easily pay just as much.
2. Why does he want to control who you talk to?
3. After one failed marriage, why would you allow someone to rule over you? Don’t allow it.
4. If you keep the financial situation the same, hire a maid with the money you’re not spending.
5. Kids…. Get a real, very straight answer from him. If he doesn’t give it to you, bounce. I assume you have saved up enough money to go out on your own.
Now you know why he divorced.
You 2 both need to step back, look at the picture and decide what makes you happy. I’m thinking he is over worked to death and trying to deal, and at first it was okay. Then as time goes on you are in autopilot, then all the sudden it’s been 6 months since you said you love them or whatever. I bet this was a slow start and he may have no idea it has slipped this bad.
Guys(i.e. me) can be really dense, sometimes you need a fog horn and billboard to get through. Wish you guys the best!
A few things can happen here (I see only 3 but there are probably more):
1 something triggered you to become more needy and without realizing you’re the one that changed (and I say this only because you said he told you he loves you and he is happy every day in the honeymoon phase and now he doesn’t)
2 he became comfortable and doesn’t feel the need to put in as much work as before. This can be because of anything- from he being a manipulative person, to fear of repeating what he did in the last marriage and fail again, to you doing everything and *accidentally* treating him more like a parent than an adult(doing everything for our partners is not actually healthy)
3 he is burned out from working too much and feels like he is doing a lot (when we are burned out we fail to see other people around us work as much as us-maybe in different ways)
In any case I think, first, therapy would be very beneficial. You can process what you’re feeling, the reason why you think he changed, figure your dynamic, what to do next.
The kid thing is very bizarre for me.. given your age is not like you can wait much for him to figure things out. Some men take their sweet time without realizing (or caring) our biological clock is ticking and more risks come later in life regarding this. Maybe because I’m very family oriented, his reactions regarding this are a big no-no for me.
Only you know what’s worth for you, but if the situation is 180, I’ll just say this: a failed marriage of 10 yrs can teach you when it’s the right time to go. I’m sure you see things different now from when you first saw the red flags in your ex.
I wish you the best and I’m sure you deserve it and can have it!
Sorry I am still stuck on you getting married at 19/20
Relationships are voluntary. You do not need to stay in this one. It sounds like he posed as a sweet, romantic guy when you first started dating, but that was just a pose. It’s not who he really is. Cut your losses.