I have been friends with this group of 7 boys (all my age) since I was 14, I have other friends but they were the main people I hung out with- we would all play video games together and the group survived leaving highschool and covid thanks to our online presence. Since then we have weekly Saturday meetups where we go out or play drinking games at a house (usually one friends house R 22M) however the dynamic has changed.
Up until late last year I had been dating one of the group members for 3.5 years and considered some of the others to be my best friends. I broke up with him because he would constantly guilt trip me and always put his own feelings above mine. When we broke up I cried about how I was scared I would loose all my friends and he told me that wouldn’t happen and that he wanted to be friends still and I told him I was happy to give him the space he needed. At hang outs I would leave him to play games with the others and minimised interactions but months later and it felt like he was avoiding me even more than before so i confronted him and asked what was going on – he told me he was trying to give me space and not make me uncomfortable but I had said I was fine with us interacting, then he said he was just sad so I asked if he needed more space and he said he thought he could deal with it and that he would be ok being friends again.
After that nothing changed and the avoiding seemed to just get worse, then people started leaving hang outs with him and going to different parties/clubs. Currently 90% of the group will leave after an hour or two and go somewhere else without inviting me they’ll simply leave. And I see posts on stories and social media and get sent selfies of my friends and ex hanging out at each others houses at events they plan without me, they started a Minecraft server without me in the discord server we are all in and they have seperate group chats I’m not in.
I recently asked one of my close friends J(21F) who I introduced to R earlier this year if she knew what was going on – and she told me that basically R and my ex had a problem with me being good friends with R’s brother S(26M), S and I became really good friends during the time I was giving my ex space as he wasn’t directly part of the group but was still at hangouts. R had told J that he was scared S and I would start dating and he was uncomfortable since I was his best friends ex and S was his brother. Instead of talking to me about this they decided the better idea was to stop inviting me places and hope it goes away.
The kicker is that after I broke up with my ex R tried to ask me out but I said no- he didn’t care I was his best friends ex then!!
I’ve decided to stop going to group hangouts from now on but how do I talk to them about this? Or do I even try to?
44 comments
It’s time to leave these high school friends behind. They are soooo high school.
Stop using S and R and J. I hate when people so this
Are you still able to hang out/maintain friendships with the other members of the friend group? It sounds like it may be time for you and the other two to go your separate ways, but I know it can be tough to do that if you’re gonna lose the entire friend group. I mean, you could TRY talking things out and explaining but it also seems like your ex needs a lot more space than he’s able to communicate.
also lol at the hypocrisy of the person who asked you out.
You’re young, you will bounce back in both relationships and friend groups. You cut the rot out of your life, sadly this can happen. Better to find out now, rather than later that these people will do immature shit like this.
Sending you positive vibes while you go through a tough time socially. 🤙
Don’t bother. This is the pitfall of dating within the friend group. You don’t want to be known as a homie hopper or the Yoko to their friend group.
Does S and your ex know R asked you out? Does J know?
I think you should tell J and leave this group, because R is manipulating them for being rejected and it just won’t be a comfortable place for you anymore.
This is why you dont date within the friend group. It ruins the fun for everyone else. Dont date anyone from the friend group or their family. Your high school friends will turn to people you only see once a year or even less and its okay. Youll move on. Youll be okay.
Just move on. Don’t try to explain anything to childish minds.
I would let it slip that R asked you out. Drop the grenade and walk away. Because it doesn’t sound like he “doesn’t want his bro dating his friends ex”, it sounds like he “doesn’t want his bro dating the girl he likes that rejected him”. It’s like they are both rejected by you and sad so they turned that into mad and are shit talking, but really they are butthurt. Honestly I’d reach out to the others and be like, do you all feel the same? Do you not want me around? Because why can’t you start a discord or group chat with the other 5? I’m sure they are sick of the drama too
It takes a little while for you to outgrow the highschool friend group but it’s for the best
You are all too old for this. Move on.
No move on and get another lover
It’s the same reason why you don’t date a coworker. It gets awkward. Go make new friends
I’m not trying g to minimize your hurt, but as soon as you have to start saying things like “but r did this and h responded with that, so b felt mad”, etc, it’s time to move on. Unless there was some universal betrayal (like cheating), adults should recognize each other as individuals with their own wants and needs and be supportive. You have a town hall gossip clan as your go to group. That will not inspire happiness in the long run. It’s definitely normal to feel frustrated and sad by this, but you will need to be the change you want in this scenario.
The group is bigger than R and J. Organize your own hangs and activities without them. Shared custody of friends.
Look, this is going to hurt but you need to hear it: they’ve already moved on from you. Whatever thought you’re having of cutting them off, they’ve already had it and already acted on it. It’s time for you to find a new tribe. These dudes can all go suck their thumbs.
I’d keep the ones you’ve kept a connection with and not let the others impact you. I know easier said than done, but friendships evolve and end at times. I was always one of the few girls in our group as a teen and welcomed girlfriends and such, so managed to maintain a tonne of my friendships, I feel very lucky, but there are guys I’ve had to cut off because they seemingly assumed I’d be okay for a hookup at some point, even when I was in a relationship. There’s been more than a few moments where assumptions messed stuff up. The dynamics between men and women CAN be brilliant as long as everyone is on the same page. There’ll come a time when feelings or whatever affect it and in your case, I’d say cut your losses. They’ve assumed things or not spoken to you and that in itself is enough to know they’re not pals you need going forward.
Honestly, don’t bother with them. Though I’d have taken S up on his date offer for a bit and just avoided the others; wanting the drama.
If they’re not going to talk to you, you really don’t owe them anything. You’re perfectly fine with just ghosting them without a trace.
Don’t bother. These are not your friends. Go find some real friends.
Find better friends. *Really,* ask yourself what’s so special about this sausage party you’ve been hanging around. It doesn’t seem like there are *any* other girls.
Why?
Is that what you like about it?
I know this sucks it a juvenile situation to be in. Tbh after you confront them, it will get more awkward. It’s time to find a new friend group. You out grew them. They are stuck at 14 mentally.
Honestly these sound like scrub boys that you’ve outgrown. You didn’t do anything wrong, you just need to move on from this group.
I wouldn’t even bother. If they can’t be grown up enough to talk to you and instead shunned you, then they don’t care about you. Find better friends.
You’re young and you have plenty of time to cultivate new friendships. Most people your age are in the process of losing touch with most of their high school friends. Keep in touch with the people in the group you still actually want to hang out with, make plans with them, etc. but also spend some time branching out.
One thing that you’ll learn as you get older is that “friend groups” are rarely an actual thing. You don’t need to always hang out as a group, and even when you share friends in common with someone else it isn’t an “in or out” thing. When you start treating your friends as individuals rather than part of a group a lot of this gets a lot simpler.
It’s a very rare thing that a girl can date within an all male friend group and still be thought of as a friend afterward. Even if you started out all friends. They don’t value you the same. Just move on from them.
This exact same thing happened to me when i got divorced. I INTRODUCED THEM TO EACHOTHER, and they all hangout with him now and leave me out. I gave up, life goes on. It sucks, but its not worth the stress.
Get with the brother. Really piss them off. Friendship’s end just like relationship’s. Sending you good vibes.
Just say in the group chat you know the real reason you’re being outcast. Then say it’s funny R is all supportive now when you asked me out a week after I broke up with ex. Then leave the chat.
Edit: screenshot your message in case it gets deleted
This is the risk you take dating within a friend group. Breakups are seldom clean and without hurt feelings. People often don’t want to associate with an ex, and friends will pick sides.
If it were me, I’d drop the truth in the Discord with any text evidence of the R rejection or the ex gaslighting you about things being OK when they’re not. Then I’d simply walk away. You might find that some still talk to you or you might just need to strengthen your relationships outside the group. That might be sad and scary, but the truth is that by the time you’re 30, these high school friends will most likely be casual acquaintances at best. It’s a part of the journey. Think of this as a “ripping off the band-aid” moment.
What makes a good friend for you?
Its so sad to see friendships from adolescent fail because of immaturity. So sorry OP
I’d flat out tell your ex that his bff asked you out after y’all broke up. R is a snake, and i think your ex has a right to know. He is also fucking sabotaging your friendships because he’s salty you shot him down.
You have out grown your friend group, they are acting juvenile and it has shown they are not actually your friends.
Real friends don’t kick their friends out of social circles because of the reasons you listed. You deserve mature friends who are not so juvenile.
I wish you luck and i hope you find a new friend group soon with better quality friends.
Don’t bother talking to them. You’re told that they don’t invite you because one friend feels uncomfortable with you having a friendship with his brother “because you’re his best friend’s ex” but that same friend asked you out.
See your value as a friend and spend your time on people who deserve to be around you.
I would say make some new friends. If they were really friends, they would have come spoken to you
And got your side of the story. But no, they listen to gossip. I would just block the idiots
They not worthy of your time
You should stop for a second and think if they were truly your friends?
Maybe at some point you weren’t their friend but the girlfriend of their friend
You can try to talk to your other friends besides ex and R and explain what happened and why you feel cast out
but i would suggest not to push things maybe they value their friendship with your ex more than friendship with you
This some homie hopping shit. Just leave the whole group
This is so silly my brain refuses to follow the story beyond that it’s all some high school kind of bullshit. Time to level up your friends.
Confronting will only end badly for you. Move on and get new friends.
girl, please. this is why high school groups should stay in high school unless everyone involved is okay with having mature conversations about group dynamics and growing up. they’re all still acting like high schoolers and i can almost guarantee you that it won’t change. BE FREE!!! find new friends!!!
These are not the friends you’re looking for.
Walk away from these assclowns. If you’re feeling vindictive, send them any evidence you have of R asking you out and enjoy the popcorn.
You’re young. It may hurt to lose these alleged people for a while, but you’ll find new friends, maybe even real ones.
Honestly if I were you I would drop ALL of them as friends because REAL friends wouldn’t just out you like that at least not without talking to you first. All of them seem immature and doesn’t seem like real friends anyway. Their not worth confronting because the fact the you all been friends this long and then all of a sudden the just decided to drop you like your feelings don’t matter. I say to hell with them.
Orrr you do u of make new friends lol ur 21 life goes on
The immaturity is astounding.