So me and my husband (30f&30M) have had this one issues come up every now and then throughout our 6 year relationship. I can be a bit lazy and unmotivated at times and it bothers him cause he sees and hears me complain about it and then do nothing. Like if I were to live and be totally by myself, I would devolve into a lazy mess that sleeps all day, eats like crap and plays games all night. But because I don’t actually WANT to be that person, I went to uni, have a full time job, take care of my share around the house and do things I enjoy other than sleep.
However my lazy side still has its presence. Here are the main problems:
-I’ve gained 30lbs in six years. I was quite slim then so I’m not obese or anything, but definitely chubby
-After work at some point in the evening I want to play my comfort videogame, which is kinda old and I’ve played it a 100 times over already
-I go out to drink with my friends too often. About once a week/once every 2 weeks and I tend to get pretty drunk
-I complain about my weight a lot and yet still buy crap like chips and frozen pizzas, especially during hangovers
-I don’t really have any hobbies and don’t really pursue self development much
-I spend too much time scrolling on tiktok etc
These things make me feel lazy and not ok about myself and yet I never have the motivation to do anything about it. I don’t think I have depression either because I’ve literally always just been this kind of person more or less. I can tell it bothers my husband too and he worries about me. I know what I need to do when it comes to me, but I’m not sure about the relationship side. Like how would it be best to discuss this? It somehow always ends up not going well and nothing ever changes. How would you talk about it? Or is it not something thathe should bring up?
Tldr: every now and then hisband brings up his concerns about my lifestyle and the conversation always goes badly. How to proceed?
10 comments
Firstly, he has very good reasons to dislike and be concerned about your lifestyle
Secondly, what you’re going through is an issue that many people face. And where I commend you, is your ability to acknowledge it. So well done on that 👍
My suggestion would be for you and your husband to begin doing activities together. To fix up your diet, get him to also eat healthy with you. And to be more active, see if you can go on walks together, or runs, or play badminton, or even cycle
I think if you suggest these things with him, he will gain an air of optimism and it will reflect well on both of you.
Question OP: have you ever been evaluated for ADHD? You sound just like me. I thought I was a lazy and unmotivated person for years and suffered from poor self-image and self-worth because I could not understand how someone as smart and capable as I am could be so useless. A proper diagnosis, therapy, and treatment have changed my life. I still have days where I’m unmotivated, and I’m still distractible and inattentive, but I have been working on developing skills and coping mechanisms to mitigate the negatives of my ADHD. My interpersonal relationships and my lifestyle have seen vast improvements.
I think that seeing a psychiatrist for an evaluation and/or trying out some counseling/therapy may help you learn to identify triggers in your negative patterns that you can actively begin disengaging and re-directing. It takes work and consistency, and it’s never a straight and narrow path in developing skills and strategies to avoid falling into the patterns you hate, but having a professional who is trained in helping you identify and intervene in those patterns can be a tremendous help.
-Firstly, acknowledge it to him. One of the biggest things you can do in a situation where your s/o feels one way, and you kind of agree, or fully agree, and know it too.. acknowledgement. Definitely talk to the guy though… and maybe let him know that you know too so that he doesn’t think he’s being over the top, or nutty.
-Secondly, decide if you care about it yourself, and if so, figure out what you want, and set low bar goals headed that way. It will be messy and not always consistent at first, but you’ll get there in small changes. If it’s not problematic for you, and you plan to do nothing about it, consider asking your partner if it’s a deal breaker. Might be a good point to acknowledge compatibility issues, if it is.
-Third, you gotta know that you’re kind of wasting your years and life expectancy away, and that’s sort of not a good thing, even if you don’t find it problematic now. You may be 30, but one day you may be 60.. with regrets. So keep an eye on that, and ask yourself what you want out of your life.
-Fourth, consider getting check out for ADHD, depression, or, if you’re lacking energy too, one of the many health related culprits of low energy (thyroid, etc.).
I think sometimes we hold ourselves up to a standard that society thinks we should be but if society didn’t expect it we wouldn’t really care. I would dig through all your habits and see which ones you find truly detrimental to you as a person vs the ones which you truly think is just societal pressure about becoming ‘that girl’ that you wouldn’t care about if it wasn’t for tiktok and other social media. Not everyone has to be productive 24 hours a day. Some people just like to live life chilling and if you are doing your share of things I don’t personally see a problem with that. Also I think a big thing is the complaining. Maybe once you’ve sorted things out find peace in some of your lazier habits and don’t be stressed that you do them.
Tbh the only really concerning things I see are the drinking multiple times a month and getting sloshed and the eating junk food. Those all have to do with what you put in your body so that’s one thing you can put all your attention to vs 5-6 different issues which might not all even be issues.
One thing I’m trying to figure out right now is the difference between restorative rest and numbing, and how to make sure to prioritize restorative rest. For me, I find screens and junk food to be numbing but napping to be restorative, or going out in my back yard or hanging out with my plants, or hanging out with my cat. It sounds like a lot of the way you cope with stress is numbing (which, same) and it might be worth looking into what restorative, restful, low impact activities you can do that actually help reduce stress rather than numbing you out.
ETA- notice that I’m not suggesting getting more productive. You may currently be at the end of your capacity to can. Nothing wrong with that except as it impacts your health. One thing I’m trying to figure out now is that I’m doing as much as I can, and how to reallocate my efforts to get closer to where I want to be rather than just try harder.
Have you ever been evaluated for ADHD? If not, you should
You don’t have to have gone through some kind of big life change to be depressed or unhappy. And we’ve all been through a huge trauma the last few years. I think you could benefit from talking to a counselor or therapist about your own unhappiness with the way you’re living your life. Not necessarily because there’s anything wrong with you or you have a condition, but just because you’re unhappy and want to be happier.
It’s great that you acknowledge that there IS an issue here. The next step is to write down what you want to change and build small goals to work towards that larger goal each day. For example, a goal can “I want to lose 30lbs by December 2023.” That’s a pretty big goal and can be quite daunting. But separate it into smaller ones (“I want to lose 1 lb a month and to do this, I will walk one mile per day”) in order to achieve initial success and build a sustainable habit is absolutely doable. Over time, you may find yourself being more motivated to continue that lifestyle.
I mean maybe you should still explore therapy even if you don’t think you’re depressed…it can be helpful for everyone. It could maybe help put these thoughts into order…because there clearly is a disconnect here between what you’re doing and what will make you content/happy….or something, I say this because you complain about yourself.
Like, let’s ignore you partner for a minute…from your post it says you still complain about what you eat and how you only play games and what not, etc. So either you’re complaining performatively for your husband (to show him you’re thinking about changing or that you know your actions are something he disapproves of etc) or you really want to be different.
Lastly, would he still be as bothered if you stopped complaining? Like if you just seemed content with your choices would he continue to be upset? Or is he upset because he thinks your upset? Some people really just can’t stand when people constantly complain about something’s they have no intention on trying to fix or get help with…and I can’t say I don’t blame them. Or like I said, he’s worried about you because you seem unhappy. Ofc he could just not like your habits and that’s why he seems bothered. There’s a lot of potential possibilities.
Point is, think about getting into therapy to explore why you do these things…or why you complain about them if you actually just like how things are.
If you keep doing these things you’re going to do, then he is going to divorce you, and you will hold 100 percent of the blame.
If that’s what you want, then keep doing what you’re doing. If it’s not, then get your act together.
And while you’re at it, stop arguing with him over this. He’s right.