Hello! Sorry for any mistakes English is not my first lenguage.
When my bf and I started dating I immediately introduced my best friend “E” (28M). Our relationship is purely platonic and we both see each other as family, we’ve been in each other lives more than 5 years and nothing ever happened between the two of us. The difference between us (my bf and I) is that I have male and female friends and he mostly male, so he has told me that he doesn’t understand.
At the beginning my bf didn’t have any problem with him, they actually got along pretty well, they have similar hobbies so I had the idea they were actually bonding. 6 months into it, he started acting weird, everytime I would have any plans with E. He didn’t say anything, just get super angry at me. I was really confused because I didn’t realize it was because of E, as I mentioned before they were getting along so far and he blamed it on anything but that… He never said anything. At some point he completely exploded and told me it was because of E, he thought we were doing something behind his back, I try to talk to him but he gets very unreasonable and it’s imposible to reach him.
And that’s my problem, I understand to a point that maybe he’s uncomfortable with my relationship with E. What is driving me crazy is that I try to talk to him and understand what he needs. I offered him to talk about it, I offered him to spend more time with E so he can get a better idea of how our relationship works, I offered to sit down with him and re stablish boundaries with my friend so he can feel more comfortable, I’ve even asked him if he’s expecting me to drop my friend?. Everything I try he gets defensive and says I’m calling him controlling. I had a very toxic and abusive relationship before and I cut contact with most of my friends, when I finally got out I was completely alone and it was really hard for me. That’s why I’m open to work on it but I don’t want to choose between them.
At one point he told me he doesn’t want to know anything about my friendship, so I keep it completely to myself. But there’s also times when he tells me I’m hiding it and not been transparent because I don’t mention him. I hate this feeling of walking on eggshells, hoping my friend won’t text or appear because it’s going to cause a fight.
As I mentioned before, I can put myself in his shoes, but he doesn’t want to fix the problem and I don’t know what else to do. I am kind of worried because the problems appear again with other male friends but he doesn’t want to work or talk about it. I would appreciate any advice on how to manage this for the best.
Edit: I saw a lot of comments about not spending enough time with my bf so I wanted to clarify a few things
1. We are long distance, I understand this makes it more difficult, but most of the problems start when we are together in the same place.
We are talking about moving in together which hopefully will help with insecurities. But I’m worried this behavior is going to continue with every man that appears in my life.
2. My bf is always my priority so I obviously prioritize spending time and connecting with him. I have no problem compromising I just want him to communicate it with me.
– I kind of put some space between E and I. My bf didn’t ask me to but I honestly want to avoid conflict.
– I don’t see him (E) a lot, maybe once every 2 weeks. We usually talk over text or reels on IG maybe a phone call now and then.
– I try to go out in the friend group, it’s very rare that we go out only the two of us. Not because something will happen, only because I thought that this will make my bf more comfortable. But as I mentioned my bf shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it so I’ve been doing what I think is best.
3. He does have girl friends, sorry for the confusion, maybe they’re not as close as mine and also most of them are in relationships so maybe he feels more comfortable with that.
I have NO problem with him having girlfriends and I actually like all of them.
19 comments
If he refuses to have the conversation. i do not think there is much you can do.
Your boyfriend doesn’t want you to have male friends. He says he isn’t controlling because he knows, deep down, he’s controlling
This relationship is gonna end bad
I wonder why it hasn’t crossed your mind spending more time with him
I wouldn’t trust my girlfriend either if she spent so much time with a guy friend tbh
There are two categories of people. Those who believe that men and women can be friends and those who don’t believe it. Both categories defend their beliefs vigorously and won’t change them for nothing. Here is the problem now… You belong in the first category, your boyfriend belongs in the second one. That rarely (if not ever) works out well. I’m sorry but it’s a dead end.
Is never healthy to renounce to things that make you be you in order to be in a relationship.
Sadly you are at an inpace right now, your boyfriend doesnt like you to be friend with a guy, from what you wrote i get that he doens’t wanna be controling, but is difucult to him.
I wonder if the issue is just with the friend, or is relatend at other part of that, like the amount of time you send together, the activities you do, or the level of trust you have. Also could be non of the above and is just a refleact of your BF and his past experiences.
Is always better to talk and find the balances, but if he doesn’t want to adress the issue, well it’s not much you can do.
You already experienced the issue of being isolated because a relationship, so you now that is not an option. If you can talk to your BF this, well you better end it, before it turn worst.
Good luck
P.S. : sorry about my english
Pretty sure the only people who are fully okay with a person in a relationship having a close friend of the opposite sex, are the people in relationships that have a friend of the opposite sex.
I don’t think your boyfriend is ever going to be okay with how close you are to this other guy, and the only thing that would make him happy would be for you to stop having a male best friend.
He’s not going to get over it and its only going to get worse for the both of you… I think your options are to 1) get rid of your guy bff, 2) get rid of boyfriend or 3) have a relationship that is going to become more and more toxic for you both.
Then there’s also the possibility of course that your boyfriend can see/sense something about your friend that you don’t.
I sort of speak from experience here and have been *almost* in your boyfriends shoes (with some minor differences). But things never got better until the friend went away. So I can relate to your boyfriend and how he’s feeling.
I’m sorry, this is a tough spot for you both… But I don’t think you will be able to keep your boyfriend *and* your best friend, I think you might have to actually choose.
This is a big problem when it comes to friends of the opposite gender and relationships, and like someone else stated there are two camps – yes and no – and they will *never* switch sides. They’re just not compatible.
Good luck to you and your boyfriend
As i read in your other post, you and your bf live in different countries. I wonder if this is the problem. He can’t be with you but another man, your best friend is always with you. You tell him what you to with him, while he is in another country. You also say you know him since five years, but that is just two years longer since your bf with whom you sre together for three years.
Being long distance is hard and need lots of trust. I personally would also have a problem if my partner always spends time with a friend of the other gender and tells me the great stories about it.
Were you two FWB before, by any chance? Just saw another post, with the male perspective, and seems like your bf’s pov.
Break it off. It’s the best for both of you. And my boy, E.
He gets defensive because he is being controlling. You’re thinking about cutting contact with your friend because that’s what your boyfriend wants you to do, he’s being defensive because he wants it to look like your idea and he’ll get super angry when you mention your friend so it’ll seem like the “right” thing to do. You say he is unreasonable and impossible to reach about this issue, and that’s intentional. You’re talking about moving in and you’ve only been dating for six months? Would you move to his country? How long will it be before he starts having problems with your other friends, and then stonewalling you when you talk about it. This relationship is still young and this is a big red flag.
Ah, I’ve been in your boyfriend’s shoes.
Turned out that the guy she told me not to worry about actually was the guy i should’ve been worried about.
It’s clear that your BF doesn’t really believe that E is (or will always be) “just a friend” and is uncomfortable that you two spend time together. Probably he tried to see him like just a friend of yours (so the “getting along” part) but can’t do it anymore.
You either dump your friend or the relationship is likely over.
Yeah good luck he wont be happy until you cast your friend. Your believes are just fundamantly different.
If you had to chose between them, who would you choose? Because it may come to that.
Your boyfriend is probably cheating on you.
I’ve been through this on the opposite side but had no other opposite gender friends myself. I was in the same spot your bf was in. After a while I realized my now-husband’s friends were emotionally attached to him, basically the boyfriend without the sex, and I got tired of him not seeing it.
Eventually he saw what I saw when his girl friends got a little too close at a party. Suffice to say, he cut all the girls off.
For you, your bf is seeing interest from E, in body language, or from you yourself to E, and he is uncomfortable. Better get rid of E or your boyfriend. You need to choose.
Your best friend wants to smash. Your BF probably picked up on the non verbal communication where he can see your Best friend showing the signs.
At the end of the day, who do you go home to.
Sorry LDR your boyfriend does not even have that to hang onto
How sure are you that “E” is 100% platonic friends with you? While I’m a firm that people who could potentially date can be friends as long as boundaries are established and maintained, I can tell you from experience that being expected to be friends and pushed into social situations (almost like pushing kids who do not get along to play with each other) with someone who has feelings for your SO is awkward AF, so I’m wondering if some words were exchanged around that six month mark when your BF started acting out about “E.”
I would not be comfortable with my girlfriend/wife hanging out with another guy alone. I have seen it to many times. The girl thinks her guy friend is just there to be friends (in some cases this is true). But. Majority of the time, the guy friend is just playing the nice guy role waiting for his chance. If I meet a girl and she tells me she has a male best friend or. Lot if guy friends. I do not date them. Just do not want that drama.
Funny thing is. I see lost on here where the roles are reversed. And the girl friend is rarely called insecure But let a guy say he is uncomfortable with the male best friend and the insulting and shaming is off the charts.
So what happened six months into it. Some must to have happen for him to switch like that. Maybe E said something. Or did anything out of the ordinary happen between you and E.