My sex drive has been low for most of my relationship. We’ve had several talks about it because he likes to have sex often, but he does not want to have sex if I’m not feeling it. We’ve done our best to understand each other and compromise. Last month I was off my birth control because of a new provider and a delay and that month of being no birth control my libido shot up. It was fun for me and for him. Buuut I don’t want to get pregnant and birth control helps regulate my hormones and keeps my anxiety in check so I’m back on it this month. The change in my libido has been very apparent. I didn’t realize how much the birth control was affecting my sex drive. Since I started birth control again we haven’t had sex in two weeks and I’m really starting to miss that connection with him. I’ve tried to initiate a few times and tonight he let me know that he would not have sex with me because he knows I don’t want it. He said we’ll connect another way. That’s not what I want. I’m not really horny, but I do really want to have sex with him. But he’s right, it’s a different want now than lust. I don’t know how to make him understand. I don’t know if I even fully understand.

19 comments

  1. Everything that you wrote here have you let him read it or have you actually read it out loud to him ? Because I know when I don’t understand sometimes it is a huge help if a lady writes it out for me.

  2. Ok I know this isn’t sexy but my partner and I used to have a similar issue when she was on the pill and the way we worked around it was to schedule everything. Also, this may seem weird to some people but we gave eachother a rule that every night before we fell asleep we had to have a 5minute French kiss. We still take this one seriously too and honestly it’s amazing. No matter what’s going on, how tired you are or grumpy it really makes a big difference to just cut out all the distractions, look eachother in the eye and go in for a proper make-out session before bed. You don’t need to be horny to spend 5minutes kissing the one you love. But the reason I mentioned this is because it’s crazy how often this turned into sex at times when you thought it just wasn’t going to happen. It created more of an emotional sort of arousal for my partner, even if she wasn’t wet or physically aroused she would say things like “I want to be wrapped around you or I want to be close to you” and would feel fine about having sex with a bit of lube to help.

  3. Many many women have what’s called “responsive sexual desire” or “responsive arousal”. One description:
    ——
    Responsive sexual desire occurs when one is willing to engage in sex even when they do not initially feel desire or arousal. With sufficient sexual stimuli—and in the appropriate context—one can move from a place of neutrality to feelings of arousal and desire
    ——
    I’ve been with women who have been pretty neutral and rarely have their own desire, but if we start touching and connecting or even getting sexual, they find themselves much more interested and aroused and then desirous. They know this about themselves and so are very open to starting because they know that they’ll likely get quite interested.

    Now keep in mind that there’s nothing like feeling desired. Make sure he gets that sometimes. But in the meantime…

  5. You could try a form of birth control that doesn’t affect your hormones. A copper IUD and different medication for your anxiety might be worth looking into.

  7. How is he about to tell YOU what you don’t want, but you’re literally trying and have explained why you lost your libido? It has effected you to as well, doesn’t he get that? He’s being… crappy. It looks like he’s punishing you for this. Also, talk to your OBGYN.

  8. Get a different form of bc. You do not have to live like this, there are several different forms containing different hormones. My bc only contains P and not E and my libido has been fine on it

  9. When u went off of bc after 15 years it skyrocketed. Now back on its still high just not 24/7.

  11. Try testosterone. Read somewhere that it chabged your hormones but doesnt do testosterone .
    “T” controls mental state, sex drives, muscles, joints+ bones and weight….
    Skde effect your clit may grow skightly and become a tad more sensitive

  12. Having a baby killed my libido. He’s almost a year l old and I still have no sex drive. I still perform for my husband, but it feels like a chore now. It sucks 😔

  14. > Since I started birth control again we haven’t had sex in two weeks and I’m really starting to miss that connection with him. I’ve tried to initiate a few times and tonight he let me know that he would not have sex with me because he knows I don’t want it. He said we’ll connect another way. That’s not what I want. I’m not really horny, but I do really want to have sex with him. But he’s right, it’s a different want now than lust. I don’t know how to make him understand

    I think he understands. However, it’s still a limit for him… and that’s his prerogative, IMO.

    Have you ever tried to have sex with a person whom you already know is not aroused and is unlikely to get aroused halfway through it? Some people can do it, some people can’t. I’m one of those who can’t. It just feels completely flat and passionless.

    The obvious answer is to use a different form of contraception, but I understand that you are on BC not just for sex, but also for mood regulation. So I agree that it’s not that simple.

    If he’s open to cuddling, spooning, and making out, you could suggest that instead, and see how it goes? It might satisfy you to some degree, or it could get one or both of you going.

  15. Hi! The sentence “I’m not really horny, but I do really want to have sex with him” struck a chord with me. I have been in that position as a low-libido woman in a relationship with a high-libido man. Forcing myself to have sex with him when I wasn’t horny ended up being super emotionally damaging for me, but this was in conjunction with a careless partner who was constantly pressuring me. It’s great that your partner wants you to be on the same page and for you both to be into it— that’s healthy! Just take care of yourself and never make yourself do anything you don’t want to do because it won’t feel good at all… best of luck 🙂

  16. I don’t really see how this is about a lack of understanding on his part. He just doesn’t want to have sex with you when you don’t really want the sex as such. It changes the nature of the sex, which is apparent to both of you. For some people that might make no difference, for others it does, and clearly he falls into that latter category. Making him ‘understand’ isn’t going to change that.

  17. I had to explain to my husband that I have 3 types of horniness: physical, mental, and emotional. I’m rarely physically horny, but I’m frequently emotionally horny and almost always mentally horny.

    Maybe reframing it like that or a similar way might help.

  18. I think you should really do some research into what birth control really does to your body. There’s only a 48 hour window for you to get pregnant. Other method of natural birth control are basal body temperature method, ovulation prediction kits, cervical mucus method, calendar method, withdrawal method aka pulling out. Before popping a pill please do some research.

  19. I lost my libido when on hormonal BC too. It took me a long time to realize it. I also gained 60 lbs the 3 years I was on it too. Then I got switched to a different one ans stopped gaining. I have been on the copper T IUD, called Paraguard, for quite a long time and have had great luck with it, and my libido came back! I’d talk with your dr and see if it could be an option for you

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