I need advice from married people that have experience at what is needed to make a marriage work. This is long but I really need to paint the picture because I may make the biggest mistake of my life.
It’s hard to sum up 7 years but I will attempt to.
I am a 26F and my bf is 33M, we have been together for 7 years.
He is my first bf , I can’t make a decision on if I should move further or not, but he wants to get married and have kids. Our relationship is perfect, everything that pertains to personality, heart loyalty, support, and love my bf is amazing at. He is my best friend, and my favorite person. We never fight or argue, we handle differences very quickly. He is extremely positive and I love that about him. He loves me unconditionally and makes me a better person.
Everything sounds perfect but I just can’t imagine myself marrying him, and I can’t imagine, living without him, he is apart of me at this point.
His background:
He comes from a very loving family. He has the heart of gold, he is a very pure soul, kinda like an angel. He’s the baby of his family, and his mom bought him his car and his house. His mom never wanted him to move out and never put any pressure on him to succeed in life. She babied him. He virtually achieved nothing and doesn’t know how to do anything. His proudest achievement is dating me, (I asked him this and that’s what he said).
My background:
I come from a broken poor unloving unsupportive family, we treated each other terribly and I am very damaged from it. I had to earn everything myself in my life, I have been given nothing by my family. I worked very very hard in my life and I have achieved a lot for my age (I know it sounds like I’m full of myself but I swear I’m not).
These are some things that I think may affect why I think this way:
He has no ambitions, he’s happy, working a Middle-wage job, despite having every chance to progress and achieve more. This is hard for me to understand because what person wouldn’t want to do better.
He lets opportunities slip by left and right.
He’s not good at solving problems, his mom handles the big decisions for him.
He doesn’t know how to lead, he follows me. Which is nice, but if both of us can lead, then we would progress quicker in life and take some pressure of off me.
He doesn’t know how to do anything with his hands, fix a car or fix anything in the house. I don’t let him handle anything fragile because he will mess it up somehow. He’s not really good at anything but sports.
And to be completely honest, he’s a little dumb. And I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just don’t have enough time to get into this. He’s older then me and I feel like I teach him constantly. Sometimes I wish he could teach me something.
When we go on trips, I figure everything out and he’s kinda like my child. It’s good because I’m bossy but I get stressed out sometimes too.
He also gained a lot of weight and I don’t feel physically attracted to him. We don’t have sex. I don’t know if I’m just a low person but I’m not attracted. I used to have to get drunk to sleep with him and I would think about anyone else, but I think that’s maybe normal after people have been together for this long.
To sum it up, I think he may be the perfect boyfriend, but I don’t know if he will be a perfect husband. He believes that love is all you need, maybe that’s true or maybe that’s just some Disney bs. We live separately but hang out almost every day, maybe I haven’t seen what it’s like to live with him yet.
I don’t know if I’m spoiled by a good relationship, and I don’t appreciate him. He treats me like a princess. I see how shitty people are out there and I can’t believe I have it this good. I feel loved and cherished for the very first time in my life.
People say no relationship is perfect, and everyone has flaws. Perhaps I’m selfish at not accepting his flaws. He accepts mine, I’m definitely the more flawed personality but he’s more flawed when it comes to responsibilities.
I can’t put my finger on it. I have been thinking about this for a long time, There’s no big reason to break up but I don’t have the urge to marry him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I never had many good people in my life and that is why I don’t want to lose him, I am terribly afraid of being alone.
Perhaps I am self sabotaging myself. These were the happiest 7 years of my life to be honest. And I didn’t say all the good things he does for me because this post will be too long. Our relationship has way more positive things except what I described to you
If you made it this far…. I applaud you, maybe you married people can share your wisdom with me because I at this point have no idea.
16 comments
I feel like if you have to ask, he’s not the one. The things that annoy you regarding his career will be magnified as you move forward in your career.
If you marry him, will he expect you to do the work that his mother does now? Respect that this is a real question and you have good reasons to question this relationship. What happens when he is told “no” or asked to take more responsibility? If he won’t take that responsibility now, he won’t change with marriage.
Run. Once ur married everything ur concerned about will only get worse.
He is not a great boyfriend, he’s essentially a child you mother. The reason you gor along when you were 19 and he was 26, is because he was/is very immature. He has no life skills. Now, you’re maturing and can’t see him as an equal partner, because he isn’t.
Could you look at a 19 year old and want to be with them? No…because they are too immature.
Before my husband and I got engaged I had zero doubt. It is the most confident I’ve ever felt making an important decision. Some people still end up having successful marriages after questioning it a little, but if you have this much to say and are interested in the opinions of strangers then you are nowhere near ready or right enough for each other to even consider it
Nope, I can definitively say by your post he is not the one for you.
OK, just so you know, my wife and I have been married for 30 years and are now so much more in love with each other than when we got married. Now, with that out of the way, I want you to do something. Print out on paper your post and highlight all of the descriptive details you wrote about your boyfriend. Positive details in one color and negative details in another. Circle your comment about him being the perfect boyfriend. Which color is highlighted the most? Positive or negative .
I can tell you from personal experience that a good and lasting marriage is a lot of hard work from both parties. Does that sound like your boyfriend? Do you see him working hard every day to make sure you have a great marriage? Then, think of kids, if you want them. Do you want him to pass all of his negative traits down to your children? Do you see his family helping you to have a great marriage?
You say you are afraid of being alone. You can still be and feel alone in a bad marriage or relationship.
Ask yourself this. What do your friends, family, and co-workers say about your relationship? Are they all for it? My sisters told me they wanted my now wife as their sister in law. My parents loved her as well.
Hopefully, this helps and gives you some things to think about.
If you have to ask, he’s not the one. Once I met my husband, I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without him. I’d rather die.
I can say from personal experience that having a husband that doesn’t match your same level of motivation and ability to ‘adult’ will cause resentment over time. Your spouse should be a Partner. And no, it is not normal to lose sexual attraction after that amount of years, in fact with communication it can even get better and be an enjoyable part of marriage decades into a marriage. You’re young, don’t settle.
He needs to step it up. His mom handling his affairs at 33 is a red flag, no ambitions is a red flag, the sex thing is a huge red flag and getting drunk to have sex or thinking about other people is not normal.
Love is not all you need in a lifetime. It is one of several things you need to build a life with someone. You will resent and possibly divorce this man if you marry him at this stage. There is a chance you break up with him and explicitly explain why. It will hurt but he’ll be better for it and it might just motivate him but do not chain yourself to this and definitely don’t get pregnant. It
One thing my wife and I did before getting married was discuss our life goals, dreams and what we wanted out of life.
Granted, we didn’t have all the details worked out, and life threw some unexpected things at us. But it was through those conversations that we knew this would last ( 20 years next week).
It sounds like you need to have some deep conversations about your futures before even considering marriage.
You may love him, but you don’t respect him, and that will lead to absolute misery for both of you in a marriage. The resentment WILL come, and it will destroy everything good left in your relationship. Please don’t do that to each other!
You have a very good friend who loves you, and you love back, and you’ve spent lots of wonderful time with and essentially grown into adulthood together. It sounds like it’s been a gift to you both, but you’ve come as far down the road as you were meant to go together. A relationship that ends isn’t a failure, it’s just been what it needed to be in your life, and now it’s time for both of you to graduate to new relationships that will allow both of you to continue to grow as humans and move forward in life.
As for attraction, I have been married for 26 years and although we’ve both gained some weight, gained lots of grey hair, and are saggy and baggy in places we didn’t know could get saggy and baggy 26 year ago, we’ve never lost physical attraction for each other. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s inevitable in every relationship, that’s simply not true.
Doesn’t sound like a perfect bf and definitely not husband material.
Unless you want to be mom number 2, time to cut the umbilical cord.
He’s not the one. This relationship has run its course. Please don’t marry him.
If you need Reddits help for this, you’d probably be better off consulting Magic 8 Ball.
People on this sub really don’t know what relationship anxiety or ROCD is.
Before you take any next step I would work on yourself first and your past. Once you have a clear mind you can make a rational decision. You cannot have the best last few years of your life yet think like this, seems self sabotaging but I could be wrong.