Dating with intention to get married + have kids (35F) – dating perimeters: someone that doesn’t have kids – or someone that already has kids?

19 comments

1. I’m mid 30s guy and agree with you on the kids thing. I want kids of my own but I would never date a woman that has kids. For me when you get married and have kids my wife and I would have the same goal in life to raise this child(ren) to the best of our abilities so they become good adults. If my future wife already had a kid from a previous relationship it would feel like she would have that life goal about raising the child but I wouldn’t. So we would have mismatched priorities in life. And this isn’t meant to be anything bad about single moms. Just not someone I would be interested in a relationship with.

2. 38m here. It’s an important to me to have at least one or two kids with the person I end up with, and I would be happy to find someone with kids and is open to expanding their family. However I find that most women around my age either have kids and don’t want more, or have decided they don’t want kids at all. I also would prefer if their current kids are under 10-12; teens hate everybody, especially some new guy trying to hookup with their mom! Finding women in their later 30’s who still want kids seems to be rare, and I’m certainly not attractive enough, nor rich enough, to go after younger women. (I’m overweight, have an average job, average boring life, but a great dog and great health insurance!)

3. I’m not a parent but

   I think you want what most people want, which means you’re competing with everyone else.

   Other than people who are themselves dating as parents, most people want time to “be priority #1” and go on fun vacations together sans kids, be silly without a much responsibility, etc.

   However if you want kids yourself (and not to put yourself through the medical risks of having bio kids in your 40s) you may want to consider that you’ve had 35 years of independence and less responsibility.

   You may not get your perfect situation bc not everyone does. You can’t order an exact life on a platter.

   Keep in mind:

   Many, many people with kids who are dating have their kids part time and can still do a lot of the “fun” parts of dating.

   As you’ve pointed out…People with kids are looking for exactly what you’re looking for…bc they already have it. There’s no waffling over being a parent – they’re already there. IMO a father being caring enough to leave his own vacation to tend to a sick child is a plus, not a minus. Bc he’ll do that for your kids too.

   If you wanted a multi child household but you’re worried about the timeline, this takes pressure off of trying to push out 3 kids at age 38+

   The financial aspect is a real one, but on the other hand there’s two parents usually supporting those kid(s). And like anything in life, shit happens. A single medical emergency can happen to your husband and set you back $8,000 (assuming American)… that’s a good chunk of child change

   Edit: however if you’re sure you don’t want to be a step parent (though I think that’s worth examining) then don’t even consider it… don’t f up a kid’s childhood just so you can open up your dating options.

4. I won’t date guys with kids. I chose not to have kids until the circumstances are right. When I have kids I want it to be a new experience that we can both experience for the first time together. I don’t want his resources to be split caring for another family, nor would I want a man to not support his family. I don’t want to deal with another woman who will always have had that special first time becoming a parent with him. I don’t want to have to run a household by another woman’s rules when her kids are there, nor would I want him not having his kids or disrespecting how she prefers her kids to be parented. It’s all this extra heartache, hurt, damage, hassle, potential for drama, stain etc that I don’t bring and I don’t want. I also have no problem with a guy who doesn’t have kids saying he won’t date a woman with kids either.

   I will date a guy with a dog or cat who is an excellent fur daddy. He doesn’t need to have procreated to show he will make a great father.

5. I’m 30 and dating intentionally to settle down. I would prefer dating someone with my same background (no kids and possibly not married) however I wouldn’t rule out someone for being divorced or having kids. The reality is that dating in your 30s implies loads of people will have baggage – the pool of single is already fairly restricted, why should I make things even harder for myself by letting someone great go just because they have a past? It doesn’t make sense to me. So if I’m really into the guy – I’d be open to it.

   Another reason why I’m open to it is that I’ve heard many hurtful comments from guys my age (acquaintances, friends, past dates) on single mothers, often with misogynistic connotations. I hate it and wouldn’t have the same mentality towards single or divorced dads.

6. >I was already never a top priority in my previous LTR that I don’t want to go on a date with someone where I’m always going to be #2

   This sounds like your personal baggage. Just because someone isn’t a parent yet doesn’t mean they will treat you as their top priority. And just because someone *is* a parent doesn’t mean you’ll be their lowest priority. But it’s definitely true that if you are feeling deprioritized by whoever you’re dating, you should end things no matter how many other “boxes” that person checks.

   Up to you whether or not you want to date parents, but I don’t think the two things are related.

7. Blended and blending families is difficult. Moreover, it’s not just you and your potential partner who make things difficult, but your potential partner’s coparent and their kids. Which is to say that while with just one other person, you might be able to be happy with someone who’s 90% “right” you might require someone who’s 95% or higher to make up for it.

   However, statistically you’re increasingly of an age where your peers are more likely to either 1) already have kids, or 2) know that they don’t want kids. So it might be a lot harder to find a 90% great guy without kids who wants kids than it is to find a 95% with kids who wants more.

   If you do decide to look at dating parents, you need to pay a lot of attention to their boundaries with their ex. How they parent (too many divorced parents essentially *don’t* parent because of guilt and try to merely be their kids’ best friend). How their kid interacts with you. What role they want of you*. Something that’s more of a crap shoot is some parents consider the kids that they don’t have 100% custody of the “golden” children, and treat the kids with their currently married partner as lesser. Likely related towards the “guilt” thing I already mentioned. That is all in addition of the normal “are they a good dating partner” that you should be watching for.

   I say this as a guy with adult, out of the nest kids, who’s partner has a minor child and we will not be having more kids. Granted I was a decade older than you when I was first dating after my marriage ended. While I was looking in the 35-55 age range, most of my inbound interest/matches were in the 35-39 age range; but I only matched/talked with one woman who didn’t have kids. I did mention my kids were out of the nest in my profile.

   *A lot of guys are looking for an instant mother to take over all of the drudge work of parenting (cleaning, transporting of kid, organizing/booking appointments), while having no responsibility to give rules/discipline to the kids because that would be overstepping your role.

8. I am this person, not wanting to date a man who has a child(ren) to start with a “clean slate” of sorts. Reality is the older you get the less your odds become in finding a man who hasn’t fathered at least one child. I think at 35 you really have to consider what is important to you and whether or not you’re willing to lower your expectations.

9. Men without kids, but who want them, rarely prefer to become stepdads, and would want someone with whom they can have their own. After 35, this becomes physically riskier for you.

   So, your best bets are to find a guy who is a custodial parent in his own right, and make a blended family, or find a fellow of lesser means than your own, and bring him into yours. Statistics shows these to be the most beneficial strategies for the kids well being.

   As a custodial father, I found it most difficult to find any suitable women willing to step into the step mom role, whether they had kids or not, and found that quite strange. But I managed to raise my daughter quite successfully on my own, so don’t despair.

10. I don’t have a ton of experience, but most people our age have already been married and/or have children. Of the 4 people I dated after my husband died (including my current partner), 3 were married and divorced, and the other one might as well have been. Only one of them didn’t have kids. He also didn’t have a single dish in his place, didn’t have food in his fridge, and wasn’t much of a conversationalist. My current boyfriend has 3 kids of his own and wasn’t looking to date someone who also had kids. I didn’t really want to either since I have 2 of my own, but it can be difficult to avoid someone with kids given our age. I wouldn’t trade what I have with him for anything, even though it isn’t what I initially thought I wanted. Consider broadening your horizons if you find you keep striking out.

11. >I think everyone deserves love + to find someone amazing

    Why is this? Lots of people are really shitty, and definitely don’t deserve “someone amazing”.

12. What have you been doing the last 15+ years? Little late in the game here…

13. I got “lucky” (air quotes, because it’s not unlikely to have a partner that already has kids) and met my husband when I was 31, he was 41. He was divorced, was very upfront about that and had been divorced for 5 years when I met him and had another serious relationship before that.

    He had wanted kids but due to his age he figured it wouldn’t happen for him.

    We had both been open to dating people who did have kids, because ultimately that’s the case in the majority of people our age who are looking for love. So he was actually only one of very few men I did date who didn’t already have kids.

    We got married when I was 35, had our baby by the time I turned 36, although we’d the started IVF process when I was 34 because we’d already been trying for over a year by then and it wasn’t happening.

    Like ultimately if you feel very strongly about what you want, then go for what you want, but you do have to be aware that that does mean there are going to be a lot less options/matches to you. Again if you feel that strongly about meeting someone who is children but wants children, then you absolutely need to stick to that and not waste time of people who either already have kids, or don’t want kids.

    I was very upfront about what I wanted when I was dating, I wanted marriage, I wanted kids, so it was something I brought up early on, often before meeting anyone, if they didn’t want those things I wished them well and moved on. If we got to a point of a date before I knew those things or if they were wishy washy about it, I brought it up and moved on if it wasn’t on the cards for them. You kinda have to be brutal if you are set on what you want. Especially at our ages.

14. I think your request is totally reasonable. When I was in my single 30s I wanted to go through the child bearing experience with someone who was also a rookie, if you will.

    The more important thing is for you to lead with your desire to have kids. This is something to bring up on the first if not second date. It will scare some off but be music to the ears of the right guy.

    You also have to consider what’s the priority? Kids or kids with a guy without kids…

    It may not be ideal but if your choice comes down to a single father who wants to have more right now and a single dude who just wants to see where it goes, your chances would be better with the less desired option.

15. A lot of really tone deaf comments in here.

    If you marry a man with kids, and you have a kid with him, he isn’t splitting his resources between two families. His family got bigger. His kids from his prior relationship are your family too. They are your child’s siblings.

    If you want childbirth to be a first time experience for both of you, in your late 30s, you are severely restricting your options, and the options you are left with will exclude many if not most of the good dads out there.

    You have no idea what financial obligations someone has when you start dating them, and children are largely irrelevant to that. I’m a single dad, but I don’t pay child support – my ex does (well, she doesn’t, but she’s court ordered to, which is a discussion for another time). Somebody could be single/never married/no kids and they could be upside down on their mortgage or hundreds of thousands in debt for student loans, or any number of situations that have nothing to do with children.

    Post divorce, I’m capable of setting and maintaining boundaries I wasn’t before, and I’m better about respecting others boundaries. I’m vastly more communicative because I recognized that part of the reason my marriage failed was poor communication, so I’ve actively corrected that.

    Most importantly, my divorce was the inciting event that got me into therapy and actually dealing with mental health issues I’ve been carrying (and burying) since childhood.

    In every meaningful way (aside from my ex being a nightmare and having to occasionally deal with that), I am an objectively a better partner than I have ever been at any point in my life.

    If you want to write off guys like me because of baseless stereotypes about single fathers, go ahead. We’re better off.

16. I’m finding that life doesn’t always take the path you expect or hope for. I expected to stay married to my high school boyfriend and have a couple of kids together. Instead I got infertility and a divorce (that sounds bitter, but I’m not).

    I’m dating a guy who has 3 little kids, but didn’t really look for someone who did or didn’t have kids. Instead I focused on things in common, similar values, and someone who treated me how I wanted to be treated. We’re currently working on navigating what we each need to look for where it concerns the kids and in setting boundaries with the end goal being moving in together when we’re all ready. (months from now at this point).

    It isn’t always easy. BF is fantastic, and he and I do well together. But there is added drama/input from his exW that I’m not used to (thankfully its not really directed at me, and stays between them). And there are times where I feel like a lower priority than I’m used to being when in a relationship. That said, I was… too enmeshed/reliant on my exH so having some separation isn’t all bad. And it’s not that BF doesn’t find me a priority so much as it is that he is juggling more priorities than someone who doesn’t have kids. Its 100% fair that if he had no kids and we had them together that we wouldn’t end up in a similar spot.

    On the flip side, I now get to interact with these 3 awesome kids that I didn’t have before. Yeah, there’s some ‘sting’ in that they aren’t mine AND I won’t have a kid that belongs to me in a bio way. But I still get to help these kids grow in a mentoring way, and that’s pretty cool. They are excited to see me, and we get to go do fun things together as the 5 of us. They got to meet my family and are going on a family camping trip with me. I get toddler giggles, cuddle piles, fun life conversations with preschool/elem kids, I get to teach them fun silly stuff like blowing the straw paper at their dad, playing games, reading books, fantastic hugs – lots of the good stuff. So I get some “parent” benefits and get to feel like I have that family I wanted. And on the flip side, I know I have built in breaks to recover or focus on work or for BF and I to just be together one on one. Things full time parents don’t get.

    Its not for the faint of heart and I’m still figuring it out myself. And this isn’t the path I thought I’d be on. But so far, it feels right. And whether BF and I go the distance or not, my life is already richer for getting to know his kids.

    His parenting style plays a big role in that too. He is a bit ‘disney dad’ in that he has them on the weekends and so they do fun things together. But they do have to behave and have rules and chores and such instead of it being a free for all with no consequences. He also doesn’t expect me to jump in and take care of everything for him. He handles setting bedtime, baths, mealtimes, etc. I loan a helping hand (and with 3 kids extra eyes is always a good thing), but I’m not ‘in charge’. The kids do have to listen to/respect me. Mostly I only suggest/correct so that they are respectful to people, property, and safety issues. If BF asked them to do something I may encourage them to listen/complete the task, but not always.

17. You definitely are missing out on great people but I wouldn’t say they’re great matches. If you want to be a first priority you need to stick with meeting someone without kids

    Most any single parent will have their already existing child as a major priority over anything with their new partner.

    I was 30 with a child already and met my ex wife who had a child as well. We ended up having one child together because we wanted that. Blended families are difficult and naturally come with baggage. It’s not a bad thing but it’s not for everyone.

    Being late 30’s divorced with 2 kids I have standards of meeting people that don’t want kids/marriage and don’t mind taking a back seat in a relationship. Just kind of comes with the territory.

    That being said what you want isn’t unreasonable but as someone on complete opposite side of the fence, what you desire doesn’t sound like something you’ll find in guy with kids and or an ex wife.

18. You can’t have your cake and eat it too when dating someone else with child(Ren) from previous relationship, even if both of you have ample financial resources.

    A responsible parent will attend to urgent needs of their non-adult offsprings regardless who’s the mother of the child. Same expectation should apply to you as a responsible single mom.

    A matured and emotionally balanced partner will understand that dating a single parent with child will have different priorities than dating childless one, regardless of the gender. Each party will/should prioritize their young offsprings basic and urgent needs above their adult romance needs. How each adult arrange their resources to meet that demand is unique for each couple but speaking from my own experience it will require decent communication, plenty of flexibility and understanding, and certain level of security (emotional and financial) from both partners.

    I was previously married without children, now currently dating a wonderful woman with an adorable son who I have healthy connection with. I have way more flexibility in my life be available for them, but we still actively plan date nights, weekend trips, and other adult things together with marriage as one of the goals we both agreed upon. It was helpful that we both are in the same industry, tenured and secured in our career, and financially independent prior to dating each other.

    For OP, It’s not impossible to have what you want, but it would involve additional work with your partner if you ever find one because finding a good one is a whole different challenge that often requires luck and timing.

19. Best if luck to you, you still have options. But slim, to be frank. Men of your age who do not have children, but want them, especially if they are never married are like unicorns. All the rest never married childless folks in their mid 30, like me, are such for a reason. We won’t compromise and will leave your heart broken. Damned if you do stick to your standards damned if you don’t.