It seems like my husband is never happy with anything and it’s making me dislike him. We’ve been married for almost a decade and while I’ve accept it’s always been like this, I didn’t really noticed it until we had to spend a year apart from each other due to work. If we have to buy a bed from ikea and put it together, he complains. If he wants to travel and we have to drive, he complains. If I volunteer to drive, he says, it’s fine, I got it. But then complains. If I book a tour where he doesn’t have to drive, he complains of the people in our group or how little time we get in each place. If I wanna travel back home to see family, he complains that there’s nothing to do there and family gets on his nerves. If I want him to hang out with my friends and I, it’s always a no, I don’t feel like it. But he expects me to go to events with his.
Today, we traveled to another country. He drove, but I offered to drive and he said no. We got to the city, and he complained about the traffic. Not finding parking. He kept driving away from the attractions. I told him to follow my GPS and maybe we would find parking closer. He refused and he said he would just follow a car and see where it would lead us. I told him that it didn’t make sense, that we were just driving to god knows where away from the city. He said he didn’t like driving in the city because it frustrates him to next time drive myself to see how it feels. I said I offered to drive and it hurt my feelings that I am trying to help and he just shuts down. He frustrated me with his attitude and deep down I was mad that I let some tears out and I said let’s go back home then. Now we are on the way back (3 hours) after just gotten here.
I had booked a dog sitter for the weekend so we could adventure and not have to worry about the dogs, and I didn’t have to wanna deal with this. I know he loves me but the constant complaining it’s getting to me and I don’t know if I can deal with it for long. Specially when I am the one who ends up hurt if I express he’s complaining about everything. I used to calm him down, be patient and would tell him we got it. But seems like all he thinks about is about how he feels, and not how his attitude affects me as well.
I just needed to vent. Also, I’ve suggests therapy before and he refuses.
17 comments
I really do think that once you start down that path of complaining, it becomes “normal” and you really have to make a conscious effort to ‘rewire’ the brain to NOT immediately go the negative. My sister is like that; always thinking the worst. This is from years of conditioning from our mom who was like that too. It wasn’t until my niece said to her “why do you immediately think that something bad is going to happen? why can ‘t something GOOD happen?” and that’s when it kicked her in the face — that she is conditioning her children to think like that and decided to head to therapy to work on it.
And i totally get what you’re saying – being around that constant negativity is fucking draining. So it’s time to sit down with your husband and tell him just that – you can’t take much more of this because it’s really emotionally and mentally exhausting to a point that you don’t even want to be around/talk to him anymore…..therapy is the way to go.
Sad that he refuses, since this is actually one of those things perfect for therapy to resolve. Tell him that his subconscious need to complain is jeopardizing his marriage. Then tell him he needs to get CBT for this specific behavioral change, and that this an ultimatum.
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Easy. Find out what their complaint is
I have a family member who used to complain about everything. The best way we found to deal with him was through humor.
I don’t know if you remember the “Debbie Downer” character from SNL. Debbie would always interject these comments that would ruin everyone’s good time. Then you’d hear, *’wah…wah…waaah’*.
Well my brother discovered there was an app called “the Sad Trombone app.” So when this other family member would start complaining, my brother would pull up the app and play, *’wah…wah…waaah’*.
And of course we’d all laugh, including the complainer.
Soon everyone else had the app downloaded and would use it when anyone started complaining.
Over time it seemed to work.
Of course, you will want to use discretion and this may not work with your husband.
ETA: it also helped that we had all watched these skits.
Ooff, I would praise him every time he doesn’t complain, even if it’s the smallest instance of not complaining.
I would also ignore him every time he does complain. Like pretend he didn’t even say anything. I would also start doing a lot without him and getting pretty excited to do solo things and if he asks why he didn’t get an invite, be blunt and let him know you didn’t think he would want to come because he always complains about xyz
What if you act like you’re deaf? Just ignore him. If he’s not getting the reaction he wants, maybe he’ll stop. He probably (?) wants sympathy or someone to tell him he’s so good for taking on difficult tasks. Just don’t reward the bad behavior.
Have you had a conversation with him where you are as honest as you are here? “I’m starting to not like spending time with you and I really need you to reflect on what it is that you can do to help get us back to where I would like to be. I want this to work, I but need to see that you want it to work as well. You’re the person I want to experience what life has to offer with, and that’s hard to do when all you talk about is the bad in the moments I try to share with you”
If he loves you, he should make an effort to love you like you want to be loved. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope he can start practicing mindfulness and appreciate that even though doing things can be annoying or inconvenient, they can also be exciting and fun.
Does he get that the one who actually suffers the most with all his complaining is him?
“I can’t continue to live this way forever. Do you care enough to address this issue or should we go ahead and divorce now?”
This is my husband! He’s been going to therapy and it has gotten better. He’s definitely more aware but it’s become such a part of him that he easily slips back into it. I had to call him out on our recent vacation bc he continued to carry on about something stupid. I hope he’ll consider therapy.
Sounds like my dad. My poor mom has put up with him for almost 60 years. No advice
Draw a boundary.
When we schedule a trip and you ruin it with complaining, I feel (whatever). This is starting to make me dislike spending time with you. The next time we plan an activity and you complain, I will (consequence).
You can protect your own mental health bc he sure doesn’t care.
You have to start doing stuff without his acceptance or validation. Take trips without him. Refuse to travel with him if he insists on driving. Go out without him. Call people up to ask for help when he’s lost. Ignore him when he complains. Let other people into your world. Make his complaining matter as little as possible. My Mom and Dad have this dynamic. My Dad is not an evil person, just a pain in the ass. But my Mom could literally just ignore him and stop rewarding his behavior so she just keeps trying to please him even though it supports the complaint and makes her miserable. He’s a wet blanket. So let him be. You can at least not contribute by rewarding the behavior.
He is definitely not allowed to drive again after those shenanigans. He drove away on purpose to get out of the trip. Whether his conscious of it or not. That’s asshole behavior. Stop tolerating it and see what happens. Force a conflict and maybe you’ll get through it and he’ll improve. It he won’t and you’ll force the issue one way or another. Let him be the one dealing with behavior he doesn’t like for once. See what happens.
Uggh. No advice, but I think I know how you feel. My husband also complains about everything. Nothing is ever good enough because he expects perfection, and he is so entitled to think that he should never be inconvenienced. I hope things get better for you.
I have no tolerance for complainers. I tune them out, stop talking or get into an argument. I ended a relationship due to chronic complaining. I realized the guy just didn’t have anything to talk about and defaulted to complaining. I can get pretty quiet and introverted so I think that fueled his complaints. Sometimes they just complain because they need to move their lips.
My husband is a complainer as well. The only thing that ever lessened it was when he did his usual behavior in front of my family enough times that one relative actually said, wow you complain a lot. My husband was embarrassed & he stopped doing it quite as much. Still does it more around me than others, which is still an improvement, so not totally gone. Hopefully a kind soul that is a friend/family will do the same for you & your husband will be equally embarrassed enough to at least reduce the amount, if not knock it off completely.