I (25F) am engaged to a phenomenal person (30M), he brings everyone around him so much joy, he’s incredibly intelligent, funny, handsome, the list could go on! We met online during lockdown, and decided to go on a holiday together in his side of the world, we originally come from different cities. During this time, he asked me to stay. Being completely head over heels for him, I said yes without any hesitation and immediately packed up my entire life to move in with him. We’ve had our fair share of problems and traumas to work through but a lot more happiness and growth over the last three years. About two months ago I was going through a lot of grief over my mom and it was mother’s day and my MIL’s birthday. She has never made me feel accepted and always made me feel like literally any other lady is better. I had a break down and I shouted at her and went off at her about everything. Completely barbaric of me, uncalled for and inexcusable. I feel guilty about it every day. I did apologize to her, I went to her and I tried to show her that that’s not who I am. In return she wrote a note, about every little thing she hates about me, she then continued to say that I am manipulative, a compulsive liar, and abusive. I know I am not perfect, but I’m not the things she is accusing me of, more than half of her “letter” consisted of lies. She then posted this letter on our family group chat. The day after this, my fiance called off the wedding. I don’t think my heart has been okay since this. After speaking and giving him space and love when he needs it, he has decided to not call it off, but is still unsure if he wants to marry me – but he does want to be with me. It’s been two months of him being distant and cold one moment, then extremely loving and like everything is okay the next. I don’t know what to do besides simply wait, but it’s killing me. I know I messed up and I will regret it for the rest of my life, but I am not a bad person, and I deserve love and to feel loved and wanted. We were so in love, everything was going absolutely wonderful, and I just had to mess it up. Is there any hope?
7 comments
You didn’t mess it up. That is bull crap. Your fiancé is a mama’s boy and if he had any balls he would have told his mother to leave you the fuck alone long before you had it out with her.
Quit apologizing and tell your fiance that once you get married that you expect him to put you ahead of his mother and if he can’t do that, then you can’t get married. Otherwise you will be opening yourself up to a WORLD of hurt.
Even the Bible says that once the guy gets married he puts his wife first. Your fiance’s mother is having problems letting go of him well why not? She fucking completely cowed him. WHERE THE FUCK is your fiance’s FATHER in all of this mess? Your fiance’s father sounds like limp spaghetti and is probably scared to tell his wife to get into her place. Or he divorced her years ago and the mother is a bitch on wheels and is now pissed off because her “substitute husband” her son – is “divorcing her” to be with you. So you are the “other woman” and she hates you.
You need to think long and hard on this one. A man who would pull out of a wedding a few months before it happens because of something his mother had a hissy fit over is NOT a man who is mature enough to be married IMHO.
Our son moved out a few years ago to live with his girlfriend. Sometimes he visits. We make it clear when he does that he’s not back in his childhood “nest” and his first responsibility is to his girlfriend not to us. We always ask him “did you let your girlfriend know you are here” and stuff like that. That is healthy. What your fiance’s mother is doing is extremely dysfunctional and she is going to be sticking her nose into your business for a LONG time if you let her.
A relationship that has this many problems while just dating isn’t really a good recipe for a sustainable marriage. Sounds like yall had more issues over the years than just this MIL one. You know, not all relationships have to fight, have trauma, or have your “fair share of problems “. This might be a good sign for you to end this gracefully and work on whatever you need to, amd find a relationship that’s actually safe, fun, easy and not as volatile as this one.
save yourself the trouble and do not marry this person.
He can marry his mother
If you marry him it you have to know that if it’s a choice between you and his mother he will choose her every time.
Postpone or cancel the wedding.
He can’t choose between you and his mom. And why would you want to marry him given this confusion, given her hatred. You might have to accept that the blow-out you had, ruined things with him. After all, that was his mother you attacked, on her birthday. You aren’t a bad person, but your actions that day have consequences.
You didn’t do anything wrong and have nothing to be sorry for.
You said you shouted at her and “went off about everything”. Was anything you “went off” about untrue? Then why do you think you were wrong in saying it? It’s fine if you want to apologize for shouting, but stand by what you said because you have the right to speak the truth, defend yourself from poor treatment and expect to be treated with courtesy & respect. So change your mindset from feeling shame & remorse to one of outrage & indignity at the way she treated you & the way your boyfriend reacted.
You said your boyfriend brings everyone around him joy. It doesn’t sound like he extends that towards you. If he’s as intelligent as you say, then he could see what his mother did is wrong and understand that you have the right to stand up for yourself.
He doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices you made when you gave up your whole life to be with him. He doesn’t appreciate your devotion, instead he wants to break everything off at the first sight of conflict. Is he outraged at his mother for treating you, the woman he claims to love & adore, badly?
This man is not a good person. No woman will be good enough for mommy dearest and her widdle baby boy will never put his wife first in his life. You deserve better. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone where both of you want the happiness of the other more than your own happiness.
Please don’t marry this man. Quietly do what you need to do and go back to your home city. Establish yourself with a job, a hobby & a small group of friends. Get some counseling to work through what happened with this man, then eventually, begin dating again but with purpose. Your life is going to be so great one day!