My story is really uncommon so I’ll write some details. I appreciate your time in reading the long text.
I come from a family that has lots of business friends/acquaintances which comes along with many events, occasions and weddings to attend. My parents are divorced and I’m the only person that my dad can take along (he can’t go alone because his friends always have partners so he doesn’t go if i don’t, he hates to go solo). It’s really important for dad to attend them and the fact that he can’t go without me has alot of pressure on me. It wasn’t that much of a problem for me even tho i didn’t enjoy going but i did it for dad. Now that I’m with my boyfriend, he literally despises me going there and we always end up in big fights whenever i have to go and it’s really affecting my mental health badly.
We’ve been together for a year and half and he’s super sweet and always cares about me and my feelings but when it comes to this topic he becomes very sensitive and non negotiable. He believes that people there are trying match me up with other guys (like someone is gonna take me away), and he doesn’t like the idea of me being all dolled up for strangers when he’s not with me. He says it hurts that I’m included in every spectrum of his life while i have this part of my life that he’s not a part of.
I try to always be present and text him while I’m out and i let him participate in choosing my dress with me to make him feel better but it seems like it’s nowhere near enough. He’s demanding me to be straightforward with dad and decline all of these occasions.
I’m really torn between my dad’s and my bf’s needs and i don’t know what to do .. I’m not sure if it’s normal that he’s acting and feeling that way.. I don’t want to lose him as we’re really compatible in other areas but it’s mentally exhausting, so I’m asking for solutions from a neutral POV. What options do i have?
+ I’m not sure if this info helps, but he didn’t feel this way at first, and he wasn’t like that in his past relationship.
TL;DR My bf [23M] is making life harder on me [23F]
5 comments
If your boyfriend thinks you shouldn’t be allowed to be pretty in public, he’s got more problems than you can solve.
Pressuring you to tell your dad no just because *he* doesn’t want you to go is unacceptable and I would dump him for it. Not exaggerating either. You don’t get to tell me what to do, especially with my own father.
> he didn’t feel this way at first
No, he did. He just wanted to wait until he had you enmeshed before he started acting like this.
>he wasn’t like that in his past relationship
According to whom?
And why do you want to be with someone who thinks you’re gonna skip out on your dad to go fuck a bunch of strangers?
How do you know he wasn’t like this in his past relationships? He could just be telling you that so you give in. As for not being like this at first, it could be he was just holding in his thoughts until you two got more serious.
I don’t think the issue is you going to these events with your dad. If they tire you out, you don’t have to go. The problem is your boyfriend having illogical and controlling thoughts about you being out in public without him. The idea of not liking you “being dolled up for strangers” is possessive and scary.
Do you think if you stopped going to events with your dad that this behavior will stop? What if you want to join a sports league or some other activities he’s not interested in? Will he forbid you from doing anything without him?
“We are compatible in other areas” is great, but that isn’t super relevant. The fact of the matter is that he is jealous and controlling and doesn’t trust you, and even if lots of aspects of your relationship are great, this is a big enough thing to disrupt your entire relationship.
That being said, I do think that you should do some thinking about this dynamic from your father where he refuses to go to these important events unless you are there. You can’t make yourself responsible for his success, and at some point you need to be able to put yourself and what you want ahead of these events. “He hates to go solo” is not enough of a reason to regularly inconvenience yourself, and as you said, it’s creating a lot of pressure on you. This may become a factor in future relationships if you choose to prioritize these events over your own life. But all of *that* being said, it doesn’t sound like that’s your bf’s issue. It sounds like your bf is more immature and simply jealous and untrusting, and that’s not somebody to build a life with. Stop acquiescing to his demands and letting him control what you wear and stuff like that. If he can’t handle it, then that’s probably just not the guy for you.
So, you’re going to parties with lots of single men without your boyfriend, and you’re wondering why he’s upset?
Either respect his boundaries or find a new boyfriend, easy as that.