Hi! I just wanted to know if this plan I’m cooking up is a good idea. (mandatory “I’m not english” disclaimer)
So to start my main problem is getting to know people over chat, mostly because of my past I feel like I bother, so I try to do my best to not do or say anything that could offend the other person which complicates things, like…when to talk to them, every day? Nah that’s too annoying, every 3 days? A week? They probably forget after a week, and obviously during the convo I barely ask questions because I don’t want it to be an interrogation or something lol, it’s like I want people to tell me stuff…anything really by themselves, eventually I try to make plans to meet up bc I can only funcion face to face and I end up being ghosted.
So since the death of my brother a month ago via suicide I’m trying to honor his last words which were to “not follow his path of loneliness” so for starters, I need to find a solution to my communication problems via chat, because the lies of other people and my own brother caused his death and most of the suffering in my family I kinda started a war against lying, I vowed to never lie again and to have genuine relationships with people, with no lies and as much honesty as we could so it doesn’t evolve into something toxic or whatever. So next time I try to make friends with anybody I’ll try to propose a contract of sorts:
– That I have no problems with people being honest or brutally honest with me, which is the first point I want to let my future friends know, just so they can feel no fear of saying or doing anything that could hurt me or make me mad because it won’t, it that forced trust? Dunno.
– I would obviously ask them their boundaries and how much honesty they prefer, not asshole honesty to make the other feel bad ofc.
– Kinda like the first point but still: no big lies, or keeping serious stuff hidden from each other, my brother kept a ton of heavy stuff to himself, he was afraid of asking his family for help to see their reactions if he revealed he was lying for 2 years about college, I don’t want anyone else I met to feel like that again.
Well that’s kinda it, now because my social experience is not much…I would like to know how feasible this sounds. If it’s even gonna work, not every person could be okay with something like this so any flaws are welcome 🙂
2 comments
First of all, I’m very sorry for the loss of your brother. And I’m sorry he felt so alone and sad that he took his life.
Can you not just abide by those principles when approaching new friendships? You could simply ask what being “friends” means to the other person. For me if they’re willing to lie about their problems, it just means they haven’t felt comfortable enough to share with me. So I always find myself thinking about how I can make the other person open up more.
Friendships definitely have to be built up. And like you said, beginning friendships or any relationship for that matter over text is difficult. I think voice calls would be ideal until you’ve gotten more familiar with each other. There is too much that gets lost over text/chat. But that could very well just be my opinion.
First of all, I’m sorry for your loss. That is terribly traumatic and unbelievably heavy to carry.
However, as much as this event has motivated you, be careful of putting too much pressure on people. Lying is horrible and yes, the world would be a better place if people were more honest of their feelings. However, it’s extremely hard for people to be vulnerable sometimes… a lot of the time. For example, you are tip-toeing in conversations to make sure people are comfortable. With all that effort, when do you show your authentic self?
🤔 There’s a lot to unpackage here, and I’m no to therapist. So I guess I’ll give you some surface level advise but you should definitely see a therapist/professional to process this traumatic event that just passed.
I would say don’t think about how you are interacting in a conversation. Allow yourself to be present and people love questions! Questions let people know you’re interested to hear more.
• “Wow, what inspired you to do …”
• “How long did it take you to… What was the hardest part?”
• “I never heard of this, can you explain it more?”
• “You like that too? What’s your favorite part?”
And so on.
Also, you shouldn’t have to censor yourself. Friends and communication should be free flowing. Geek out over something with someone. Be proud of a topic and let your eyes sparkle in excitement. Send a message randomly to people with things that interest you. ( It seems like you can be considerate to everyone else and remember their likes but never let people learn your interests? That seems exhausting and not rewarding. ) Send songs, random memes, random questions, things you’re excited about in your day, or anything.
Another thing, I think most people fall in the trap of waiting for other people to invite them to things. If most people feel this way, who is doing the inviting? Invite people to the park, to the movies, to come over for video games, anything. Doesn’t have to be expensive.
But for your honesty contract. After being friends for while you can casually bring it up. I usually say “Hey! I really appreciate honesty and I don’t mind at all if you have constructive criticism. I want to make sure you feel heard and I want to learn if I could grow somewhere”. But don’t start off a friendship with a contract talk. It will most definitely scare people off. People like friendships where it feels effortless. They don’t have to act more than what they are or feel insecure because of high standards. Friendships are for acceptance and safe spaces! Keep that in mind!
I hope any of this helps and again, sorry for your loss!