Last year I posted here about a guy I was dating, moving super slowly (not even a kiss in 10 dates / 2 months). That ended when he had some health problems.
A year later, I (F32) met someone else (M31) on the app again. On the first date, I wasn’t into him, but he made me laugh sooo much. So I went for the 2nd date anyway, and here we were 2 months and 11 dates later – always enjoying our time together, kissing, making out, some other intimacy except PIV sex. He’s kind, generous, funny, athletic, hardworking, cooks, cleans, etc. We were moving slowly and I enjoyed it – after a lifetime of situationships, I was excited to be building something real, based on a real connection vs. just lust.
This new guy showed interest in the beginning, texting me regularly, initiating dates. At some point, soon, the roles switched, mainly because of logistics – I was the one initiating most dates, but he always planned them, wanted me to stay at his place as long as possible (for example, if he had to leave at 1pm for family lunch, he wanted me there until 1pm; also, he always wanted me to sleep over – despite no sex), he paid for things etc.
Two weeks ago he had a stressful week – he was sick and working all day long. At the end of that week, I questioned him about no planned date and it brought a discussion about us – he said he wasn’t sure. We continued to date anyway, spending increased time together (we went from a date weekly to seeing each other 2-3 days a week).
Last Sunday (4 days ago) we had a super lovely date. On Monday he had some problems at work (he runs a business), and he has had a stressful week since. He said he was overwhelmed, tired, losing his head. I didn’t push for a meeting, but I did text him some everyday – tried to show support and interest, but maybe the only thing I did was further overwhelm him.
This morning he ended things, continuing our text conversation from yesterday. He said he has mixed feelings about us. That when I questioned him on Sunday about lack of kisses, cuddling – he doesn’t feel the urge for that (on the other hand, he was the one to initiate all sexual intimacy, always trying to see my underwear, touching me, teasing me etc.). At first he said that maybe I should date other people as well, but then the conversation ended with him basically ending things – saying he wants to be alone right now, how he doesn’t want to screw me over if I wait around for him. He said he likes me, but he isn’t “in love”. He currently doesn’t feel urge for anything and doesn’t want any pressure. And the last message was that if he feels like it, he will be the one to contact me later down the road, and it’ll be up to me if I still want to see him.
I’m really disappointed, especially after such a good date just 4 dates ago this surprised me. Was this really just one-sided? I don’t understand. I’m also beating myself up over texting him this week when I knew he was overwhelmed – thinking, maybe this wouldn’t have happened if I let him be just this week. On the other hand, maybe we would have just postponed the inevitable, if he wasn’t really into me.
I’m also sad because this is how it seems to always go: the guy is more into me in the begining, then I get attached, they show less initiative, I get anxious, and then around 2 months later they lose interest. I swear I’m never gonna take over the initiative and pursue again, it always seems to bite me in the ass. 🙁
**TL/DR: Guy ended things after 2 months of dating, during a stressful week at work. I feel I was the one who ruined things by starting to show too much interest and initiative a month into dating (with the roles switching), maybe he felt pressured, too. Guys seem to be interested only until I become interested.**
**I’m also not sure how to navigate the line between giving a budding relationship time (moving slowly) vs. the “fuck yes or no” rule. I didn’t take it badly that after 7 weeks of dating he wasn’t sure about me/our relationship, but maybe I should have?**
6 comments
Hey that’s really rough. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking it wasn’t real or he wasn’t interested or hot on you. Something shifted yes but really try not to think of the entire thing through the lens that you were somehow delusional about his interest. This happens to a lot of women and it’s usually something going on on their end – but the memories you shared aren’t less real. You did nothing wrong trying to help him through his stressful situation, communicating your needs and giving him space while reassuring him you were there. Those are beautiful things the right person will appreciate. Don’t start thinking you were too clingy. He was a jerk about how he ended things and communicated his change of heart.
> the guy is more into me in the begining, then I get attached, they show less initiative, I get anxious, and then around 2 months later they lose interest.
Reverse the gender roles and that’s me as well. Happens way too much. There are a lot of people out there who can only function in the early stages of relationship building with low stakes. Once reciprocation begins, things get too real and they can’t handle it. Depending on their life experience, they may also believe that having to “win someone over” is the only way they feel secure. Who knows. Either way it always boils down to their own issues and has nothing to do with you.
I love a slow burn to get to know a woman better before taking the leap. There’s nothing wrong with it, in fact I think it’s a healthy approach and a way to establish boundaries and find out if the relationship is right for you. It’s difficult to find someone who matches that energy and is genuine and authentic though. People switch up on you at the drop of a dime, at any point. You can’t prepare for it. It’s all a risk but that’s dealing with humans.
You did nothing wrong, he wasn’t interested so you just need to move on, don’t try to internalise it, someone will be out there for you!
Second relationship speed was fine but at 2 months when you mention this if this guy is unsure move on. No man should ever be that unsure at 2 months, 3 is the max especially if you are hanging out that much.
When he said he was unsure, that’s your que to leave because he is aimless and wasting your time now.
From my personal experience, he probably felt that you don’t reciprocate his efforts enough. (Please note that I’m not implying that he’s correct). And by the time you felt comfortable showing more interest, he’s already lost his motivation.
Also, there’s a chance that he didn’t like you that much from the beginning, but something in you caught his attention and he decided to try and after 2 months realised that it’s not gonna work out.
Maybe next time don’t wait for a man to tell you first if he’s sure or not and just express your need for relationships to be defined and act accordingly with his answer.
Two thoughts.
1. In both of the cases you describe, these men are waiting unusual amounts of time to get physical with you — ten weeks with no kiss is not typical, and two months without sex is wild. Is that the speed you want to set or were these men just really slow to initiate? If the latter, then I suspect these cases are instances of a classic pattern: where the guy just isn’t that physically attracted to you, likes you in other ways so wants to make it work, but ultimately can’t get over his lack of physical excitement.
2. You didn’t do the wrong thing by texting him during a busy week. Healthy adults who like you don’t get overwhelmed by one extra text during a challenging time. People who say they didn’t have the bandwidth to text you during a busy week either have unusually poor ability to manage stressors, or they just aren’t that into you.