I am (M29) she is (W26) and have been together for almost 4 years now. She moved in and we had a baby 2 years ago but after she moved in i slowly started to notice just how lazy she was and for the last 2 years I’ve tried to push through it hoping she would create better habits but no change in sight.
And now slowly but surly her behavior and actions have caused me to feel depressed and miserable.
Before she moved in the house things were kept
SPOTLESS everything organized and kept very neat always have been that way my entire life. If I see a mess or make one I clean it up right away. She’s the complete opposite she’s the type to let the weeks trash and messes pile up until it’s literally unbearable. She works a full time 8hr office desk job and complains about being tired the second she’s not at work and pretty much refuses to help with anything after work. I’m self employed and I work on average 10-12hrs a day then come home and have to, play with kids, clean up, wash dishes, take dog out, make us dinner, and anything else that needs attention. Every time I’ve tried talking to her about being more of a team player and helping me balance out the chores and responsibilities she immediately gets defensive and comes up with 101 excuses and reasons why she isn’t helping carry her weight in the relationship and it’s a never ending cycle of getting no where when I try to have that conversation.
To add to the situation she works this full time job that’s so exhausting to her but has absolutely no money left over after any month of working, she saves nothing and spends it all. I’m left picking up on bills and it’s dragging me down when my Goal is to pay off our debts and buy a home then save for our kids. Every utility bill is past due monthly now and she gets a huge attitude when i mention to her we need to figure it out, she pretty much tells me to figure it out. Which now I’m putting on credit cards.
I would happily pay for everything in our household but I can’t really provide that type of income when I’m busting my butt and having to come home and slave awav on chores and other daily responsibilities like grocery shopping and taking kids to daycare, appointments etc…
Her behavior is making me second guess being together. I’m focused on building a future that’s happy healthy and financially stable but she’s just not on the same page. She’s lazy, has poor communication skills, poor financial habits, and doesn’t care to come together to fix the issues at hand.
TL;DR I’m in a miserable relationship with a lazy woman that won’t carry her weight and is financially irresponsible and leaves me to take care of anything outside of what she finds worth of doing
5 comments
Why has she not been assessed for PPD or depression? Rule that out first.
I’m concerned that you just let this happen for 2 years…? People aren’t usually lazy to be mean. Like unless she’s an actual selfish jerk she’s most likely just depressed or overwhelmed.
You’re working wayyyy too much, way too many hours to stay sane. If you’re working this many hours and you’re still not making enough money to pay off your bills….. Is it really worth it? It seems to me like your business is not profitable enough, and if it’s been like that for years… Well… I think that’s part of the problem.
I wouldn’t call working 8 hours a day and then relaxing after lazy necessarily… I mean it’s not fair that she’s leaving it all up to you. But to me it just seems like it’s impossible to run a household with both parents working (more than) fulltime. Unless you hire a cleaner or nanny or something, there’s only so many hours in a day. And if you can’t afford that, well then the hours you work aren’t really earning enough money to be worth it…
Start saving up your money for your own place. Separate your finances if you haven’t already. Talk to an attorney to figure out how to get primary custody. Don’t renew your lease with her.
If you play your cards right, you’ll get custody and she’ll be paying you child support. She’ll be forced to spend her money on necessities instead of throwing it away like she does now.
You seem to not be very open minded or nice… considering you’re saying, “I have the same issues, and I don’t react that way.” That’s…not how it works. If you were more empathetic and communicated to her, maybe these issues would resolve. Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand to get out of a rut, and you just seem bothered by that.
OP you’re in the right here. Laziness and depression is no excuse for not doing what needs to get done. Ultimately there’s greater goals and goods that need be met, regardless of how we “feel”. Wifey needs to grow up and take care of the family; not weep, whine, and complain. Depression is a state of mind that is chosen. She is depressed because she knows she should be doing more, but does not have the will power to do so. If she did more of the necessary things to improve her mind and actions, she would feel better about herself and not be depressed. Don’t even bother suggesting meds, that’s the easy way out. Stoicism is the route to success, liberty, and purpose.