I wish I had used my sexuality more and healthier than I did
I grew up in a religious home. A lot of the things I internalized about sex was harmful. Some things were good but other things were harmful.
I waited for sex until marriage but used a lot of porn. I became obsessed and developed an addiction to it. An addiction I still struggle to get out of(closing to 5 months without it in a long time). I regret my porn addiction a lot.
When I met my wife we did a lot of things we shouldn’t have. She gave me my first blowjob. It felt great but I felt so guilty and so bad. We tried to not do a lot of things but still did some things.
After we got married I hoped we could have guilt free sex all the time. I was so looking forward to it until she said she wanted a baby as soon as we came back from the honeymoon. I had been very clear about wanting to wait with kids and she hadn’t said anything but now she wanted one as soon as possible. I didn’t want to and caved because I didn’t want to be a bad husband. Turns out later that she wanted a kid soon because she was afraid her only living parent wouldn’t get the chance to meet her kids. We were not prepared in anyway to have kids and it really affected me negatively. I struggle to be a dad.
And one area that became difficult was sex. For many years I felt that the day she got pregnant our marriage took a pause. Her pregnancies were awful and when the kids were born it was all about the kids.
It’s been 8 years and now we have 3 kids. My libido isn’t the same. It’s fading. It flares up and it’s great but the problem is that it takes a lot of planning to have sex. No spontaneity. Many days we are too tired.
Like today. My wife is so beautiful. So sexy. I so want to make love to her right now. She wants it too but we can’t. We must wait until the night and if everything goes well we may have sex. And it sucks so much.
I so wish we would have had some time for sex just us. I almost regret not having gone further while dating. There were chances but we didn’t because I would feel bad.
Not much I can do now. I’m 35. My sex drive will fade in time. I so wish I would have used my sexuality differently
4 comments
My man… you are simply stuck in routine. This is not how things will stay (unless you let it). There’s no reason you and your wife can’t flirt or touch throughout the day when you are together to get the heat turned up.
The guilt from religion and porn addiction are aspects that would best be discussed with a sexual therapist.
The fact of the matter is though, even if you had more sex earlier in life, none of that would change your situation now.
The feelings and wanting to make love to your wife but you can’t until the kids go to bed would be no different now if you had slept with 20 different women before or not. Having had sex 10-15-20 years ago wouldn’t satisfy any desires now.
And the proof is you can’t quantify it. What is the # of partners or frequency in the past that would make you feel satisfied now? How much is enough? The truth is there is no magic number,
The fact is you can improve going forward. The kids will get older. You can set up date nights with your wife sans kids (I know, much easier said than done). Every few years the stars align and we get away for a few days without the kids and we make up for all the times we didn’t get to make love due to the kids.
Just don’t stop dating your wife. Continue to treat her like you did when you first got married and you can continue to grow with her instead of against her.
First, I can partially relate to how you feel. I also often regret I didn’t date or explore my sexuality when I was young. My main difference is that I have been in happy sexually fulfilling marriage of 26 years. But I do say kids do affect your sex life and you cannot do what you could be doing without them. Also you can have completely different sex life being single and unattached than being in committed marriage.
However you need to realize you cannot turn time back. You can only live fulfilling life now. You can still sexually connect with your wife and explore your both fantasies. Yes, you may need to wait until kids are asleep to be intimate. If you have an option hire a babysitter or leave them with a family member and take your wife and on crazy sex escapade to Vegas or elsewhere. There are limitless options.
We have littles too and while some people don’t think it’s glamorous, sex is on our shared schedule every night.
It’s a blocked off hour right after bed time where sex is on the table and if one of us want to initiate the time is there. Chores, hobbies, work can wait and we prioritizes the physical needs of our marriage.