In my (M27) adult life ive never really had a close nit group of friends. Most of my friends were just acquaintances. I moved to a new city last year and have made great friends. My first friend (M29 call him gary) and i clicked well from the start to the point that people thought we knew each other for years. Gary was always busy because he is in medicine and sometimes has to work long hours. He enjoys going to meetups and networking events like i do so whenever i got to an event first i would let him know that if it was good or not so he doesnt waste his time. Then there was a time where he was more free than me and he would arrive to the networking event first. At first if i texted him he would elt me know whether it was good or not but then he would just ignore my texts and calls when he was at an event and it was good. I let it slide a few times.
Then i sterted noticing when we would go to bars, if i talked to a group of girls he would join in on the cknversation and id invite him in even. But if he talked to a group of girls he wouldnt want anyone else to join in. He’d get mad at us for trying to join in on a conversation he was having with like 5 other girls.
The last straw for me was one time me and my best friend (F32) were looking tryout hikes and invite anyone who wanted to join. We asked gary if he knew of any good hiking spots and he said that his hometown is known for the great views. My best friend looked at me and ssked if we should try it out. Before i could answer he says “i dont want OP there im just inviting you”. This annoyed me because im the type that will always invite the whole group to events and to hangout. The only reason he met my best friend was because of me. I dont mind if my best friend and him hangout just them. Theyve hungout solo before. It was the fact that it was our idea, we were willing to let him join and he tried to kick me out of it. Because we were in a group setting i let it slide. But i told my best friend afterwards how im not going to rewch out to him as much as i used to. She said she understood and agreed she has noticed some annoying things about him that can be a little too much. Ive had one-sided friendships before and it lead me to have some depression and loneliness, ive learned its best to control the situation early on.
This became a bit of a vent but since this is a page of people who would like more or better friends. My word of advice is if you do things for someone but you realize they wouldnt do it for you. Stop doing it. stop being there for people who wouldnt be there for you in the same degree. Trust me i had college friends who i would bend over backwards for, even though i had a gut feeling they wouldnt do it for me and i was right. It just made me more lonely and depressed.
19 comments
Im not sure he’s your friend anymore. I would certainly ease of the peddle of effort with him, if he’s going to start excluding you from activities.
That dude is not your friend.
There’s an old saying if you want to see who yiu can trust among your friends lend them 5 euros/dollars. Who ever pays you back on time is a keeper. The rest are only there to see what you can give them.
> Before i could answer he says “i dont want OP there im just inviting you”.
he’s not your friend
In other words, don’t bend over backwards for other people. Be respectable. Your time and attention should be respected. Also, know the signs early on when people don’t respect you.
Very much agree. There comes a point when you have to evaluate if your friends are value-adding or value-detracting.
Value-adding friends are the ones you want to keep close. They offer their support and enrich your life. You should try your best to be a value-adding friend in return.
Value-detracting friends will only hold you back. They are energy vampires that will use your resources and drain you. You can still be “friendly” with them, but you have to be very careful they don’t become a toxic person and should keep them at bay.
In a one-to-one basis, this is very easy, just stop reaching out to them, but in a group context it becomes more difficult. The group will have to come to a consensus that Gary’s actions haven’t been beneficial to the group. You have already spoken to your best friend who has agreed, and you’ll have to tactfully make the other group members aware without making yourself appear as a value-detracting friend.
The nerve to say that your best friend was invited but not you!!! I wouldn’t even be friends after that, given the context of it.
your takeaway is too broad. it may be applicable to Gary, but it isn’t to all of (hopefully most of) humanity
Thank you for this valuable advice seriously op
Just stop hitting him up.
Currently I have a new friend that I introduced to another friend which I’ve known for a bit. The friend I’ve known for a bit is on a trip to puerto Rico and invited new friend for the weekend amongst other friends that I know. I did not get invited. New friend did invite me but it’s not her place to invite me. Would have appreciated a courtesy invite from the friend I’ve known for a bit. People suck sometimes. Fuck them.
People can be hella mercurial honestly. You never really know initially if they have sub agendas or whatever. Your first few weeks/months with friends is like dating. Go in open and be yourself. Let them show you who they are and move Accordingly after.
I didn’t read all this but the headline got to me.
It is important to have boundaries, yes.
But the best way to give is with no expectations of return. So then you only give from a true place, because you want to. And you don’t over extend yourself, because you don’t give UNLESS you just want to.
Be open to what you get. It might not be the same as you give, it might be different. Because people are different. Allow for that. Maybe people give things you can’t. In my group I’m the most reliable friend but my friend Lisa is the most understanding. Stuff like that. People are different and give different things.
This is the key to inner peace when it comes to friendships.
Wow, I totally get this. I’m extremely sorry this happened. I’ve been on one sided friendships most of my life, sadly. I’m 21 and having friendships with girls can be a tricky for me because I’m pretty sure I’m autistic (even my mom thinks it lol) and whenever I get a male friend they end up having a hidden intention. It’s hard because you can even get emotionally drained from people like this and almost end up being like them without noticing.
The Gary thing kind of happened to me with a cousin. She’s so smart and all, an amazing student and person, but sometimes just a shitty friend. She had promised me to spend Christmas and Valentine’s together to have sleep overs but I always ended up getting ditched and feeling like shit over something somebody who’s my own blood. I talked to her about it, she apologized but repeated the pattern.
Thank you for the advise, this just kind of showed up in my homepage just in time.
He didn’t want to invite you so he could get in the pants of your best friend. That’s also why he didn’t want you around other women he met as he saw you as some kind of rival just for being male. Real icky behavior. Good riddance.
I know what you going thru and honestly it might seem shallow but you gotta keep some circles separate
Close knit
he is insecure and opportunistic.
Fuck him!