Hi this would be my very first post on reddit and i hate that its here but i could use some outside the box help. So I, (24F) have been married to my husband (23m) for 2 years we have been together for a total of almost 4. We have a son (9months). So we both agreed to live together 3 years ago, he moved in with me, we had a create time we did everything together and took care of everything together Including house chores. I would come home from work and he would be cleaning or offering to cook, there would be flowers or gifts showing he appreciated me.
Well i got some news that my grandmother wasnt doing great, and we had already been planning to move closer so I could help take care of her and my little brother (20m). We both agreed to buy a house since renting is so much more expensive without any real reward. Skip forward we buy a house things are going okay, we find out im pregnant, we are both excited of course, as i was told there was a high chance i couldnt have children. So natrually im excited to start parenthood and excited to see my partner turn into a father and the journey we are going to have together. ( So i thought)
About 5 months into my pregnancy my body starts jurassically changing, i struggled doing alot of my normal tasks (putting on shoes, picking things up, busting butt to clean house) on top of go to work ( heavy diesel mechanic) so i ask him for help, not a whole lot just alittle help from a spouse who help create the situation right? Wrong, he throws a mini tempertantrum about me asking for small help and if we can shuffle some chores because im so exhausted from working in the heat while pregnant.
Nope doesnt clean anymore waits till eventually i will do it because i hate clutter, i begged for months for help to put our nursery together and ended up doing it myself at 8 months pregnant. I had some complications with my pregnancy that required me to do a lot less than what i was doing, which required him to step up around the house. He couldnt do it, his excuse to me has always been “ill do it later, im too tired i worked aloong day” ( he is also a heavy diesel mechanic) ive tried politely explaining that we habe the same type of job and i do the same thing daily but still come home and take care of responsibilities that only we can take care of, He dismisses me with “ok, fine ill do it in a little bit.” From that he will completely disregard anything like i never said it, or he says what ever he can to get out of that situation with no intention of doing the tasks.
Flash forward to after the birth of our child (last september) i had to have an emergency c section. It made it rough for us. I was terrified the whole time, i dont have alot of family backing so i had no one but him with me in the Hospital room, he slept the entire time until they took me for c section. After we went into postpardum room, he proceeded to sleep the entire time. I changed my pads, i changed clothes, i showered myself, i had to do everything for myself, at one point he refused to change a poopy diaper and the nurse jumped him before i could. Our baby had to go to the nicu for 4 days, i had the option to go and nurse him every 2 hours, that was a long walk away from my room for a woman who was just cut open. I wanted to go tho i set the alarms, i wanted to be with our child all i could. I asked him to help,me walk there every couple hours, he would either make me go alone or beg me to just let them feed him a bottle because HE didnt want to get up. Reminder we have been here for a week and he did nothing but complain and sleep.
Anyway, i realize some dads arent cut out for early infant stages, but how can you not want anything to do with a child you said you were so excited for and loved so much. Our child is 9 months old and for 9 months i have taken care of him, myself, the house, our animals, cooking, and trying to work side jobs out of our shop at home because i had to quit my job to take care of our son. I have gotten to the point where all i ask him to do when he comes home fron the same job, is do dishes and wash out baby bottles for me. He tells me ” yea ill do it” then passes out on our couch at 4pm and fights me to get of the couch til 2-3am everynight, and does nothing else. I end up having to everything myself the next morning.
He doesnt help clean, cook, take care of the baby, wont even fold his own laundry or take trash out without having to have a legit arguement for 30 minutes about why it needs to go out right then. ( trash piled so far out the lid doesnt open or shut and you can literally not put a gum wrapper in it, and its smells) Or asks me why i cant do it. He doesnt help with our son at all anymore, our son will see my husband when he comes home and get so excited and squeal and put his hands out for his dad, and my husband will ignore him and stare at either his phone or the kids show on tv, then decide he has better things to do and just walk out without acknowledging his son. I then have to try and soothe a baby who screams for 10 mins because he wanted his dad. He wont feed him. He wont play with him. When i ask him to watch him so i can shower, he puts him on his lap with an arm around him so he cant fall And proceeds to stare at his phone the whole time and just shushes our baby while he screams to be played with, or moved, or fed, or need his diaper changed.
Its gotten to the point ive given him choices, altemadums, fights, throw shit out, and straight up told him im losing feelings for him. I feel like he doesnt care anymore, he treats me worse than a floor mat. Ive asked for couples therapy, regualar therapy, doctors visits for mental health, ive begged him to just please communicate with me ( which we were great at before we even moved) He just says whatever he thinks will make,me drop it the fastest and then ignores it like ill forget.I feel so unappreciated and used, i bust my a$$ all day taking care of a baby and trying to clean and make sure we have food to eat and clean stuff to eat it with and somewhere clean to eat the meal and he comes in a destroys my house within a week just by being a lazy a$$hole.
The worst part is im basically already given up on him for myself, but our son doesnt deserve this. Ive even reached out to his mom (which i wasnt happy about) I dont know what else to try, im on the verge of divorce and just want my loving, caring husband back.
If you read it all thank you for being patient with me and my story. Im adhd and realize I bounced all over the place there.
27 comments
Be the love you need and once you are, you won’t take anything less, he will either rise to you or he won’t. Then keep choosing you.
You’ll teach your children a way better life lesson It’s not easy, it’s work, but it’s possible and the good will keep getting better. Best.
I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. Hopefully he pulls his head out of his a$$ not only for your sake but also your son. He’s missing out on the most formative years in his sons life
You’re being a great mom, it’s him who’s failing the both of you. It almost sounds like he didn’t want to move or going through some sort of depression, maybe missing his friends and old life. But as a parent he now has a whole new set of responsibilities
You’re right. He doesn’t care any more.
Not sure what happened to your loving caring husband, but he doesn’t exist – if he ever did. Look, his behaviour could be related to depression or any number of other things, but it doesn’t sound as if you can help him, or as if he wants to help himself.
You would/will be much better off on your own, and your son doesn’t have to be rejected by a father that doesn’t want him.
sounds like he wasn’t ready to be a father with the way he behaves.
when the ex-wife gave birth to my son, i was the first one to change his diaper. She also had a c-section so for her it was very traumatic. I stayed up with her and was by her side the entire time. I think she slept better than I did but that could have been the painkillers.
when it came to sharing the chores around the house and baby care I took the tougher shift (graveyard )so my wife could sleep during the night. when the baby was asleep I would quickly wash his bottles and do the laundry. I was constantly checking his diaper, my mom was anal about that.I think I took more of a lead because my mom was a pediatric nurse and she passed on a lot of child care tips to me. especially when it came to bathing.
The point is, I was excited and proud to be a father. I knew one day that I wanted to be one. i had a great father and swore i would be as good to my son as my father was to us. additionally, as the wedding approached, we had already discussed wanting a child. So a few months after the wedding we decided to try for a baby. I mean we were deliberate and planned for it since the ex-wife works for a school district, summer baby during summer break. Having said that I’m not saying you all didn’t plan for it or that it was an accident, but it sounds like he wasn’t mature enough for the realities of it. especially considering his age
your husband sounds like he needs a wake up call or some sort of intervention from someone he will listen to. in this instance, I think an ultimatum is also warranted where you either separate or divorce him but if you go that route you have to stick to your word and be willing to walk away.
You’re caring for 2 babies. How do his parents feel about treating you this way?
Basically, your husband doesn’t do anything.
I will just be painfully frank. What’s the difference between divorcing him, with him paying child support each month and current him now?
If I were you, I would just go for divorce, at least I have one less baby to taken care of.
Could you edit paragraphs? My brain can’t handle the text wall..
Edit: Thank you!
I guess it’s over. And you know it. Do you know what your son doesn’t deserve? To grow up like this. With a “dad” who gives a shit and treats his mom badly. Do you want him to grow up thinking he’s not enough and this is what a normal life is like? Don’t stay for him, leave for him. Serve your husband the papers and see how he reacts. I guess we both know how. He got you now, your married, he knocked you up and he’s the bread winner. He thinks he can treat you however he wants, bc where else should you go or what should you do? And when you’re at home anyways (because you just sit around all day /s) whilst he has to “work his ass off” he has every right to do nothing and have you do it. Leave. How’s your son supposed to be happen when you’re not?
>The worst part is im basically already given up on him for myself, but our son doesnt deserve this.
This sounds like you are staying for your son, but is this what you want your son to learn? That it is ok to treat people the way your husband treats both of you? Your son doesn’t even get any quality time with him, but gets constantly rejected and his basic needs ignored.
Your husband is currently actively teaching your son that he does not matter. That you don’t matter. That your needs, feelings and wants don’t matter.
Think long amd hard if that is something you wnat your son to learn.
JFC just leave, what are you waiting for, him magically becoming better and an helpful emphatic husband? Come on, you are a bad friend to yourself, your husband is a misogynistic piece of #$@% and you need to remove your child from this situation.
You need a good therapist because you have trouble setting up boundaries and hold people on it, your husband is used to walk all over you so why would he change?
I am sorry OP that your husband only revealed his true shittyness when you were almost delivering the baby. But him changing is not going to happen
how much more of this are you willing to put up with? that’s the only question. it will only end when you leave him. so either stay and accept that this is the life you’ve chosen, or demand better for yourself and leave.
Sounds like you’re almost better off being a single mom….
Divorce. That behavior is unacceptable. Don’t allow your child grow up in a house where their father treats their mother like crap.
**Separate.**
For years you *have* been his doormat. Why would he change? He’s living on easy street. Show him you’re actually serious and if he doesn’t seek professional help and change his ways; it’s over.
I suspect once you get a taste of life without this man child making yours harder, you won’t want to get back together. But it’s genuinely your only option here.
You aren’t obligated to stay in this relationship. He isn’t being a partner, which means he hates being a father more then he loves you.
Darling, your story reminds me in part of mine. So I am giving you the advice I wish someone would have given me 8 years ago: walk. He will never help you but be a burden to your household, your mental state and your money. You may think you cannot do it without him. But you can.
My life changed for the better when I finally divorced the useless manchild that was my husband. But before that I suffered for years and years. I wish I could protect other women from these experiences but I can’t.
All the best
My heart breaks for you. You are living as a single mom with an extra adult child. Maybe take a pause with the marriage. Tell him to go or you & your son go. Hopefully, with the separation it will open his eyes. Honestly, if he wasn’t there would it be any different other than less stress? Best of luck
During my son’s childbirth I was together with my wife and I saw her poop coming out during labor. I funnily remember it and my heart fills with love, apprication and respect for her.
Edit:Sorry I got sentimental and left out suggestion though it seems unnecessary anymore. But still your husband is not good person for you. I see women as strong and capable as any man and think you can do great on your own. Maybe there will be better person on your life journey if you wish for it.
As a fellow mom, the sperm donor showed signs of this and I cut him out. Trust me your child is better off with no dad than a dude that makes your kid fell invisible. Tell him you’re going to divorce and if he doesn’t change he won’t be a part of your kid’s life. You do not deserve this and your kid doesn’t deserve this. If he can’t step up then you step out.
I’m really, truly and terribly sorry you’re going through this and reading your story is heart-breaking.
So the short of it is: It sounds like things went well up until your getting pregnant – did the two of your properly discuss the future in terms of kids, family and the like? You don’t say anything about how he received the news, only that _you_ were excited?
This isn’t to cast blame anywhere, but to _understand_ where this is coming from – as he sounds to have been actively and increasingly hostile, disinterested and uninvolved from Day 1, making me wonder if A) He never _wanted_ a child, or B) Didn’t want things to change (or C) which is both).
Honestly it sounds an awful lot like you’ve tried – you’ve spoken with him, given ultimatums and he’s well, _well_ aware of what he’s doing (as even the nurse has caught on from how it sounds how unhelpful he was) and how it’s affecting you.
The truth is this sounds like a situation that won’t change.
>Anyway, i realize some dads arent cut out for early infant stages
This is also garbage – I wasn’t a “willing” parent, I _didn’t_ enjoy the “baby stage” but even so I wasn’t going to be a _crap parent_ just because I wanted my offspring to _hurry up and get older_, simply due to knowing I will, in future, never want to look back and think “I was lazy, I didn’t make an effort, if I were them I’d feel unloved/unwanted, I was mean” etc – the fact is: this is life now, you’re a parent.
There is no such thing as “not cut out”, there’s “immature, irresponsible, selfish and crap people”. Everyone has a choice, your Husband has __actively__ decided to treat you like rubbish _and_ neglected your child as well to boot – that’s not “cut out”, it’s being awful.
>The worst part is im basically already given up on him for myself, but our son doesnt deserve this. Ive even reached out to his mom (which i wasnt happy about) I dont know what else to try, im on the verge of divorce and just want my loving, caring husband back.
Your Son _doesn’t_ deserve this.
_You_ don’t deserve this.
You both took vows, he’s not keeping up his end of the deal here either from a religious (any religion, that is) perspective _or_ from any other angle either. He’s not committed to you or your child, he’s not helping or looking after either of you, there’s no love or connection much less compassion or genuine positivity whatsoever.
If I were you, I’d stop trying to move this boulder up the hill – you’ve tried for a long time, he’s made his position clear and refuses to meet you halfway with even therapy/counseling.
Get Divorced, live your best life, give your son a fantastic upbringing and continue as you are – ADHD makes you nothing less than anyone else and you’ve woven a clear image of how things are, so don’t worry about that and instead look at the future and how you can make it better for you both.
You’re a hardworking, loving and caring individual who sounds like they’ll make a wonderful parent to your son and who will, fate willing, find (or be found by) someone who has as much heart and love and be able to give that to you both.
First thank you everyone for the good and not so happy comments, im loving all this feed back.
A few people are wondering if we planned for our child, WE did plan together, dont get me wrong he loves his son but treats us both so wrong. He was given an ultimatum in early april that if he didnt have his head and act together my end of july then im leaving. Ive been told so many times that ultimatums never work. So i guess we will see.
I mean honestly, you can be this miserable on your own. If he won’t engage or seek help, there’s nothing you can do about it. Except take care of yourself and your baby. Please don’t stay together for the kids. It’s better for them to be in a more calm and stable home life. Maybe one day your husband can get it together for his kids, but don’t count on it, just move on without him for now
I read something somewhere that said women in situations like this often find being a single parent easier because they’re not also taking care of an adult.
Marriage is about love and commitment. He has shown neither. It’s hard to hear but it seems like it’s time to get a better life for you and your child. Find your network of friends and family. Even old colleagues. See who you can lean on. You’d be surprised how many people are willing to help you.
Good luck.
I read something somewhere that said women in situations like this often find being a single parent easier because they’re not also taking care of an adult.
Marriage is about love and commitment. He has shown neither. It’s hard to hear but it seems like it’s time to get a better life for you and your child. Find your network of friends and family. Even old colleagues. See who you can lean on. You’d be surprised how many people are willing to help you.
Good luck.
> altemadums
ultimatums
He’s lazy and immature. Bro lost his family because of it. He will regret too.
Really only one way to maybe snap him out of it and that to tell him it’s over. You’re getting a divorce
Your loving husband isn’t coming back. You can’t make him act like a father. Staying with him won’t change that. Divorce and child support. At least then you are only cleaning up after one child.