So I(32m) have a wife(28f) and daughter(2).
For context, I do love my wife and don’t hate our daily routine. But I do want to make a lot of adjustments of managing our time together since there’s sometimes we feel there’s not enough time to each day.
I havent worked out in over a year (used to be a gym head) and it’s usually because my wife wants to do EVERYTHING together. For instance, we have to walk our dog and we need a few things from the store. If I suggest we do these things separately, she pretty much gets quiet, ignores it and pretty much said, “so when are we going to the store together?”. Like she isnt considering the time we could of had at all if we do tasks separately and then we can spend time together watching netflix or play with our kid at the end of the night. I then bring this up another time/occasion that we could of get things done a lot sooner if we did separate things. She doesnt have a full-out fit, but she does get irritated and say “It’s just more fun if we do this together”.
It kind of irks me because whenever we do everything together, that’s less time on cleaning the house, even looking to see if we have bills to pay, not doing the tasks that we had in mind the whole day, and it just doesn’t make things satisfying that we never get it done knowing we could have managed time better. This happens literally every day. Like 2 or 3 times out of the week doing this would be lovely. She kept bringing up that we have a daughter but that doesnt really seem like a excuse considering one of us can watch her while the other can go to the store. It saves time getting her ready anyways.
Has this ever happened to anyone here and suggest how we can make it better?
11 comments
Before pushing the matter of how to do some things separately, have you considered *why* she is acting this way? It sounds like this is a new thing since the baby came. Is she a SAHM? Having a small child is tough, she might be overwhelmed. She might be depressed and having trouble doing things herself and needs you. I can see how “it’s more fun together” could be a code for “I need your help”.
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You seem very task oriented (as I am as well) which can be a good thing. The downside though is that it’s easy to focus on the task to the point you ignore other things such as the people you’re doing the task with. Consider easing back off the tasks (it will be ok) and focusing on what’s going on with her.
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I’d strongly suggest you two sit down together after the kid is asleep and have a frank discussion on what the cause of this is. Handle that and then you can address the symptoms.
Wow, it almost feels like I could’ve written this years ago. Though my issue was a little different; it wasn’t that my wife wanted us to do everything together as she would take the kid out alone sometimes. It was more that, doing any task at home she always wanted my help.
So for example she would be changing a diaper and it would be a bad blowout, and she would yell for me to come help and I would, but then think, she didn’t really need my help because I just had to hand over a new diaper or hold a leg or something. Also, if she went anywhere with the kid I would somehow be tied up having to help her with all the prep, like fine this sippy cup and this pair of shoes. But again it was something either of us could’ve done alone. She would also get really frustrated if I wasn’t in earshot, like once I was doing something in the garage and didn’t hear her yelling for me over one of these tasks and she got pretty mad.
She did say in her case, part of it was sorta…her dad abandoned the family when she was young, so it was almost a subconscious proof that I wouldn’t be running out if I made myself available for tasks.
It was an ongoing discussion we had that honestly took years, maybe until the kid was 5. But requests for help are less unnecessary now.
I agree with u/TehFuriousOne. Reading between the lines it sounds like what she’s wanting is either help with these tasks or more time with you in general. Walking a dog and a two year old at the same time is kind of a big task. I say this having a two year old dog, it’s hard enough to walk him and text, I can’t imagine watching out for what two independently minded mouths are trying to eat off the sidewalk.
But what I’m really wanting to write to add is that it sounds – to me based on what you’re saying – that you are both trying to meet similar things in different ways. She’s trying to have more time with you by doing all of these tasks together, and you’re trying to have more time together doing fun things by doing the tasks separately. The common denominator is time together. Maybe instead of doing tasks separately, you can start to pair the tasks. Like, schedule folding/ironing laundry for when you two can catch up on a show together while doing that. Or maybe instead of walking the dog, you two can jog together with the dog as time for a work out.
It sounds like you’re kind of talking past each other. You’re focused on getting things done as efficiently as possible while she’s focused on doing tasks together, but neither of you seem to be thinking about *why* the other person wants to do things differently and how to meet the other person’s needs.
It sounds like she sees doing tasks together as “quality time” or bonding time. My guess is that she wants to feel closer to you now that you have a child and don’t have as much time to dedicate to each other. Was she a “quality time” person before your daughter came along?
She probably sees your suggestions as rejections of her and of her desire to be closer to you. Rather than pitching this as a way to get things done faster so that you can do other things, pitch doing those other things directly, like chilling on the couch together under a blanket, or going on a date night. Once she’s onboard,*then* you can suggest doing chores separately so that you have time to do those fun activities.
As for the gym and other personal hobbies, definitely make sure to carve out time for yourself. Ideally do this *after* getting her onboard with doing chores separately so that you can do fun things together. If she won’t budge then consider couples counseling. It’s not just for couples on the brink to divorce, it’s like going to a mechanic or a trainer to take your relationship performance from good to great.
>**How to communicate with my(32m) wife(28f) to do tasks alone.**
Do some research on codependency which is often a result of post partum depression. This is something she should bring up with her Dr.
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The other thing I need to point out is your statement
>I haven’t worked out in over a year (used to be a gym head) and it’s usually because my wife wants to do EVERYTHING together.
This isn’t because your wife wants to do everything together. It’s because you have decided to forego the gym in order to appease the wife. That decision is 100% on you and shouldn’t be put on her. You are 32. When you and your wife met, the gym was part of your life and she knew it. As long as your kid will get the attention and care it needs while you’re at the gym, your 32 year old self can tell her “I’m going to the gym every other day for from 6pm – 8pm”. And then go do it.
If she chooses to pout on the couch for 2 hours those nights and not be productive, that’s 100% on her and further indication that she’s probably dealing with post partum depression and needs to see a Dr.
You have 3 options, surreptitiously, negative or managed by events outside of her control.
Sign your daughter up for a dad’s and daughters play time program. It’s a start to separating the clinginess.
Build on that.
The second option is to tell her no being firm about it and sit through through the anxiety it causes. You’ll have to put your foot down eventually. The boundaries argument can be very effective.
The third is to have more children. 2 would be better. You’ll have to split up tasks. It cannot be done any other way.
You’ve gotten some really good responses already. Honestly impressed with everyone looking at this holistically. I also agree you need to try to understand where she’s coming from rather than writing it off as her being clingy.
You certainly deserve time to yourself and time to workout and things like that. I can also tell that you are starting to build resentment, which is not a good thing. It’s hard to give real specific advice because I don’t know either of you, but if it was my relationship I would say you should pick a good time when emotions aren’t running high (not during an argument about this) to have an honest discussion about these things with her. Let her know how much you value spending time with her but how you also feel like you are losing yourself with the current setup. Tell her you want to work on a solution together. I would personally avoid getting too much into managing her behavior or feelings.
I would also really dig deep to ask yourself if this focus on efficiency is really the thing you care about or just a sideways attempt to logically control the situation and her behavior to get what you actually want on an emotional level, which is more time to yourself.
This seems to be the case for every relationship I know of. It seems to me like men wish for a larger degree of individuality than women do, my own relationship included. I sometimes wonder why this is, from an evolutionary and/or psychological standpoint
I guess the big question is if this is how she has always been or if this started after the baby?
If it’s how she always has been, this isn’t something solvable through a conversation, it’s her attachment style, she literally feels that you two should do everything together and that is how a couple should be.
You’ll never convince her otherwise if this is her natural state, this requires couples therapy and a lot of work to get her to see how this is unhealthy.
If you try to just ‘do it’, all it will create is resentment and conflict as she will view it as you pushing her away vs the totally normal and appropriate demand to have your own time for yourself.
Stay with me on this one but, have another kid. My wife is exactly the same as this and when we had our son 4 years ago I started to get really stressed about it. We were being so inefficient work our time because we have to do everything together.
If I wanted to get anything done like a supermarket shop or wash the car, I got the vibe that she felt I was abandoning her and the baby so I could never get anything done.
4 months ago we had a daughter and now, it’s physically impossible to live like that. We can’t both do tea time, bath time and bed time when there’s a screaming baby to take care of as well. Now one of us is on little boy duty, the other is on baby duty.
P.s. Please don’t actually take this advice. I’d hate for you to have another baby and your wife still insist you do everything together. That would be so hard
consider asking at r/AskWomenOver30 too