This is kind of 2 issues in one person.
I am really struggling to work with my colleague who has been moved to my area of work because of these issues with other work colleague, and his behaviour is really strange that it’s caused me (and pretty much everyone at work) a lot of issues. He can’t be fired on medical ground or he would had been out the door a month in…
I have to work in a small team of just myself, him and my boss for 8 hours a day. It’s not an option to move or get away from him, I HAVE to work with him in the same room and over radios. The place closes next year, so staying to get redundancy is the plan, would be a waste to leave.
ANYWAY:
Problem 1=
This guy literally will talk for 8 hours straight about himself, without any breaks in talking! It’s not normal how much he talks, I really am not exaggerating and I wish I was! It’s draining and despite being moved around the factory and being told by the bosses he talks too much; he doesn’t know how to stop.
\- He repeats himself over and over with the same stories that everyone in the factory knows. They all say they can’t stand him because he doesn’t shut up. Someone cried after 3 hours or working with him because he wouldn’t stop talking!
We often ignore him, but if you do that he starts trying to get your attention by making stupid, not funny jokes, and then trying to justify himself. If you ask him to stop talking, or you walk away, he thinks your being rude.
\- He also ONLY talks about himself and everything has to be about himself and how he/family is great, how everyone at work bullies him, he was so great at all jobs, his medical issues…It’s impossible to talk about work/anything without him suddenly changing it about himself. When I need to explain something work related, you literally can’t because he has to talk for an hour about his own stories.
\—– Is there any way I can tell him to stop talking ONLY about himself? Can I tell him to stop talking about himself every time he changed the subject? Or would that be too rude? I think he’s pretty rude non-stop talking about himself.
Problem 2 =
He’s sexist!
So a male holding a door open for a woman is seen as polite normally, and I think normally kind. But he takes it to the extreme!
He will run from one side of the room to the other to hold the door open for myself/any woman. If I walk into the room and he’s sat on the chair (we have 1), he will instantly stand up to give the chair to me. My job is heavy lifting, but he insists always of doing it/helping me even when he can lift less than me.
\- When I am doing something myself (anything) he will come over and want to help; BUT when I say I don’t want the help, he “helps” anyway.
There was a time he was on the balcony upstairs and I was hoovering below, the hoover got blocked. – He INSISTED on coming down to fix it, despite me literally saying “I am an adult, I can take a tube off a pull some leaves out myself.” He STILL came down and even though I had already sorted it by the time he got down there, he still wanted to check it was unblocked before leaving.
I also recently was buying something online (not work related) and said it may not fit in my car. He offered to help if it didn’t, which I thanked him for and said if it doesn’t I have a family member who will help me, a total of 3 times I told him….. It did fit in my car, but the next day at work he said he had cleared his car out so that if it hadn’t fit then we can collect it in his! I was shocked and told him that I said my family member would help! (He does these types of offers with everyone!)
\- He only does this with woman employees and at the the times I have said: “I feel really uncomfortable with you holding doors open and standing up for me.” He replies that he’s being polite and “it’s how my mother raised me.”
\- I feel disrespected and like he is ignoring me when he does this all of the time.
\—— How do I make him not help me? Can I make a big point of him being sexist?
Really need advice because I am not a violent person but this guy makes me want to punch him in the face when he opens his mouth. I don’t want that and I have to work with him.
21 comments
it seems like there is no way to tell him to stop, so you could try to give him “fake tasks”.. like ask him to go check if something is functioning correctly saying you just used it and it was making a weird noise, or ask him to arrange differently a section of the office, to move things from a place to another “because it is more convenient to have them in that other place”, or ask him to create an index and an organized archive for some documents. I don’t know if these things could be an option, but you get the idea.. keep him busy with random stuff away from you. He will be happy to help, and you won’t have him around all the time – win win situation!
you cant be fired for medical issues, but depending on the jurisdiction, you absolutely can be fired if you are actively sabotaging productivity, no matter the reason. it sounds like youre in a lose-lose situation though, if he cant be fired/your boss isnt willing to fire him, and he doesnt listen when people have repeatedly told him he needs to change his behavior. based on your description, i dont see a way to effectively get him to stop talking/helping that doesnt end in animosity.
That guy sounds super irritating. From what you said about him it seems like if you tell him he won’t listen. You could maybe try to bring it up to your boss so they can talk about his behavior to him
I have people at work like this. I often wear noise cancelling headphones and loud music. Is this possible? Otherwise, I would go to HR or your boss and say that you’re finding it difficult to be productive with the level of conversation and, when you try to be productive and ask for space to work, they don’t respect your boundaries.
Do the same, maybe? Just look him dead in the eye and start talking about yourself for as long as it takes for him to get that you’re not actually listening. Make shit up.
>if you tell him to stop talking he’ll think you’re rude
So?
Be rude, fuck him. As long as you’re rid of the nuisance right?
Sit down with him. Have a very clear conversation where you tell him you believe that his talking is interfering with your work and that you do not like him as a person but you want to treat him normally as a coworker. And what this practically means is that you’re willing to talk about work with him when necessary but you do not want to chit chat. And that going forward, anytime he’ll start chit chatting, you **will** tell him to stop.
From then on, whenever he’s bothering you, just remind him of your stance and tell him to stop talking.
This sounds like a case of Histrionic Personality Disorder or possibly Narcissistic. Honestly it would be best to just wear headphones and try and ignore him. He will try and get your attention but just ignore him like as if your pet kept clawing at a door that they want in where theyre not allowed.
try r/relationships for more answers.
The first part kind of sounds like some sort of spectrum disorder but the bottom part feel a lot more like incel like behavior.
Have you touched base with HR? They may not be able to fire him but there may be something else they can do to help. He refuses to accept boundaries and is actively creating a hostile work environment. Being obnoxious isn’t a fire able offense but harassing coworkers is. It may sound a bit petty, but that’s what HR is for. They exist to deal with the awkward situations so everyone else doesn’t have to.
In the mean time, ain’t no harm in being blunt. You very well may have already done so but straight up telling him that he is acting inappropriately and his behavior is unacceptable isn’t rude, it’s true. If he throws a fit, report him. Sometimes all it takes is a proverbial slap in the face to get someone to see they are an ass.
If he can’t be fired for medical grounds, and the management has decided to accommodate him by keeping him in his job, but he’s causing everyone else to collectively lose their minds, they need to move him to a different position where they can continue to pay him but without making everyone else’s job difficult and stressful. Or take the fine.
I was in this position. A guy got hired for our very small team. I was supposed to train him. He was completely untrainable. The boss fired him and he had his lawyer brother file a lawsuit on his behalf because he claimed he had ADHD. He didn’t disclose this during the hiring process. The company was glad to get rid of him and paid him off with a settlement.
You say he can’t be fired on medical grounds presumably that means he has some medical problem. If that’s a psychiatric / neurological / autistic issue then simply treating him as a broken neurotypical likely won’t work. You need to know if that is at the root cause of his behaviour before you can find a way to effectively tackle it.
He sounds autistic to me, not that it makes it ok but that’s what I gathered from this information.
What country are you in? That will affect what laws govern the situation.
What does “can’t be fired on medical grounds” actually mean? I assume it means that he can’t be fired for issues stemming directly from his condition, not that he can’t be fired at all, for any reason. Like, if someone were in a wheelchair, then obviously you can’t demand that they carry things up and down stairs, but if they murdered a coworker in cold blood, on the clock, on company property, on camera, I’m pretty sure that would be grounds for termination. Or, in a less extreme example, suppose someone were a diagnosed kleptomaniac. It’s not their fault, but if they’re stealing company &/or client property to the extent that they cost more in losses than the value they create, then it’s just not feasible to keep them.
My point is that, at least in the U.S., employers are required to provide “*reasonable* accommodation”, not “*infinite* accommodation”; there are limits. If someone has Asperger’s or Tourette’s, it’s reasonable to ask coworkers to cut them some slack in regard to abrasive or weird behaviors, but sexual harassment and starting fist fights are still disallowed. So where is the line with this guy? Unless his bizarre, counter-productive, misogynistic behavior can be reasonably attributed to his medical status, I think it’s a separate issue, and the medical accommodations are just muddying the waters. Even if they can be linked, I think there’s an argument to be made that tolerating those behaviors creates a hostile work environment, and therefore falls outside the definition of “reasonable”.
You need to talk with HR about both things. You telling him to stop could be seen as aggressive and you could could fired. So be as political and as diplomatic as you can.
Yes he can be fired. Just because he has medical issues does not mean he can’t be fired. It just means it is harder. Years ago I worked in customer service. There was a woman who constantly yelled at customers, using choice words. She also came into work late, took too long on her lunch or breaks. At the first verbal warning the woman pulled the race card and said she was being targeted due to her being black, and went to HR. Was she? Not that I could tell, I knew people who did less and were fired. So, she stayed and continued to do this. Every single event, complaint was recorded with HR. Even her phone calls, all calls were recorded, with her yelling were put on file . And finally after months of this she was fired. They had to build up the evidence and consult with legal before firing her.
Talk to HR about his incessant talking distracting you. His helping you and how uncomfortable you feel. And do not stop. If you ztop making complaints they will think the issue is resolved when it’s not. Encourage your coworkers to do the same.
Speak to someone in HR. Ask if they can send him on some communication courses. He clearly needs to learn how to listen.
The only other thing I can suggest whenever he interrupts you while you’re speaking is to look him straight in the eye and tell him that you are not done speaking yet and for him to simply listen. If that doesn’t work then walk away from him.
I would do this over and over again until he got the message.
He clearly doesn’t understand boundaries and doesn’t know how to properly communicate. I feel for you and your colleagues. Must be hell working with him.
Extreme people pleaser, and likely other psychological issues. I agree with another comment – line up as many tasks as you can think of and give him plenty to do to please you. (“It would be so helpful if you …”) Be sure that you regularly point out that “you’re not doing it right,” which could send him into a bit of a spiral and need to “prove” he is right. If you can’t wear noise cancelling headphones in the office, ask him to help you concentrate by giving you silence. Start with 3 minutes and expand from there.
An option is to overload him to the point he begins to complain so you have leverage to negotiate. Might not work, some people would literally do my laundry if asked. At work.
He sees himself as much more capable than others, so why not let him. If you are desperate enough for some peace, get him to wash your car (or scrub the parking lot with a toothbrush, lolz) and enjoy the peace and quiet while he’s outside.
Assuming your boss would also enjoy some peace, it could be fascinating to see how far this goes. Perhaps he will get mad at how ‘unfair’ the workload is, and quits.
Here’s what I recommend: shoot him in the mouth
Tell him if he talks to you you will cut off your fingers one by one.That will shut him up
Can you get away with noise-canceling headphones and trying to ignore him? And if he’s worrying down notes to make himself the victim, you gotta do the same. You don’t have to be a violent person but you can become maliciously compliant with HR procedures to try to shut him down from causing you to lose productivity.
Just be like, “Name, stop, I need you to be quite so I can focus on my work” be firm, set boundaries, people like this need a huge fucking wake up call about their insufferable behaviour. However, make sure you always frame your boundaries in terms of work. Make it about focusing on your work, or increasing your productivity, meeting a deadline, whatever, so that he can’t say you’re targeting him or bullying him. However, bullying is classified as repeated targeted behaviour, so as long as you’re professional yet FIRM, this won’t be an issue. If he starts to talk again, say “Name, we’ve been over this, keep the conversation work related, I am not here to talk about your medical issues.” Don’t be nice, don’t say sorry, and interrupt him when he’s going off on a tangent to lay down your boundaries again, because this guy sounds like he’ll violate them in a second.
Also I find it helpful to literally write a script and practice what you will say. Most people, myself included get flustered during confrontation but it’s important you don’t back down. Good luck. Please update at a later point
What you’re describing sounds like Asperger’s to me. My cousin has it and it requires a lot of patience for sure. If that’s the case like my cousins got it, hes probably telling the truth about trying to be polite. Just tell him firmly it’s not and why. If it persists, HR