I know this sounds very “woe is me” which is unintentional and acknowledged, but I feel like throughout my whole life I have just never been able to keep friends. I am a girl, and I’ve always felt like I can’t maintain other girl friends. I’m definitely not a “guys girl” even though I’ve definitely used getting guys to like me as an unhealthy coping mechanism in the past to feel important or cared about and dealt with a lot of self worth issues growing up. I’ve worked super hard to love myself and feel worthy and have an amazing and lovely boyfriend currently and none of this is speaking on any lack of love there. I still struggle keeping girls as friends or even in general. When I meet girls through people or at parties or social events or college classes I feel like I am immediately ostracized. Even after working on not automatically assuming the worst and being very inviting in social settings and after when trying to get close to people this feelings persists. It’s noticeable enough that when I do have friends almost all of them have made the comment that they do not understand why girls act like that towards me and they see it too. These few passing closer friends I have usually don’t end the best either. A few of them I’ve been able to work past as unhealthy friendships that were better off ending, but recently I lost someone really close to me. I genuinely had someone that cared about me and enjoyed time with me and we had a falling out that was both of our faults and we reconnected and she kept saying how much she missed me and it was never the same with anyone else. When we were friends I genuinely didn’t feel like I needed anyone else. We had a third friend and when we fell apart for a while they got really close, upon reconnecting even with anything she would say to me I felt very much in second place at best and a commitment at worst. I brought it up passively a few times and always was told how amazing and cherished I was and then would be ignored unless I stepped up a few days later and it finally ended with her simply stating I’m a good person but we probably will never be that close again. This is the only real close genuine friendship I feel as though I have had with a really good person and maybe it’s just the hurt getting under my skin and feeling like this, but it’s making me question this situation again. I genuinely do not understand where I go wrong and I’ve heard it all. “They’re jealous of you” “it’s just not the right person” any other version of you’ll find your people or person eventually. I’ve done a ton of self reflection to to see if I can see any pattern or anything to work on and shy of getting into the mental pattern of me being a boring or otherwise stressful and unlovable person which I know would be unhealthy to spiral to I’m really falling short of any ideas and it’s starting to get to me more. Don’t get me wrong everyone is entitled to their opinion and choice of friends especially close ones and preference and trust me I have my own, but I’m really lost and struggling with this right now. does anyone else feel like this? Sorry if any of this isn’t worded the best, I do admit this situation has made me emotional TLDR: is it possible to be a person no on wants to be close friends with without actually causing any issues?
4 comments
Join the club! FUCK EM
Yes
Could u have autism by any chance? As I have been diagnosed with autism/adhd and have always had this. Got used to it now tho and all is good. Picked up a couple cool people along the way.
I Can relate. I’m 22. I do feel like girls are intimidating to me, even though i am female as well.
There are some generalizations i make here, not souly my intention, but some characteristics of people that i see fairly often. Not saying everyone is one thing..that’s for sure.
I’ve encountered sceanarios where girls assumed we were friends without having done shit. Just half assed conversation. Other sceanrio’s where girls i found out later down the line, only wanted to be friends with me because conventially i am attractive. Thats all they would be talking about. Not tooting my own horn, i don’t give a shit if i’m pretty, as long as i have my anime, but WHEN they see the real me, that i am fucking weird, they make their distance and drop off the face of the earth though.
I feel like in pursuing friendships with women, its such a big mixed bag of marbles. You can even ask r/askwomen. There are alot of women who play follow the leader and are best friends with fear of missing out and don’t develop their own identies and expand on their own interests. Not everyone though, but its harder to be genuine and loneliness is an icky feeling when you are stuck with your own thoughts, slip into comparison forgetting the grass ain’t always greener and not have many distractions..
But I’m sad to hear that the one friend you felt was genuine, hurt you like that. That was trash and i would be livid just because of the slight stringing along. We all get insecure sometimes and some of us need a little more support than others. But i find..not many people do the hard work.
Relationships are work..Not soul sucking the energy straight out of you work, it should not be that, but There will be sacrifices and compromises, disagreements, arguments and such.
Some people think relationships are all sunshine and rainbows, and hop off to the next best thing without ever being honest with them selves and taking a step back to view everything, weighing pro’s and con’s of letting such an investiment in a friendship go. So..
I guess take some time for yourself. Reflect. How do you avoid that repeating? Boundaries? More communication? After that, examine your hobbies. How are you when you are alone? Do you associate being alone with a negative connotation?
Because i know that i did. I still do. So i’m sitting with it right now. I’m sad that i’m alone. Even with people i’ve still felt alone. But i know there are gonna be periods in my life when i will be because no one is here forever.
So until i get over that hump, i shouldn’t be trying to make a whole bunch of friends..but that’s just me.