I(32/f) have been dating my bf(29/m) for about a year and a half and we’re planning on moving in together next summer. My bf has a twin sister (29/f), and she has a bf(33/m) that she has been dating for 3.5 years but they have no active plans on progressing the relationship or moving in together. There has been some tension since I became apart of the family because I fit in much better than my bf’s sister’s bf….I’ll just call him Bill. I think me coming into the family has made things obvious how much Bill just doesn’t click with them.
So tomorrow the four of us (me, bf, bf’s sister and Bill) are going out. My BF got a call from his sister tonight asking us to please make sure we talk to Bill more. He usually feels ignored and not apart of the group. And I will agree, I mostly avoid talking to Bill. Me and Bill couldn’t be more different. He is politically very right leaning and I am very left leaning. He’s more of a bro type personality and I’m a nerdy introvert. He’s catholic, I’m atheist. We’re just very different. My bf’s opinions align closer to my own. Bf’s sister(Bill’s GF) is more neutral. So me and my bf usually don’t have much to talk about with Bill.
There was also an event a few months ago where I offended Bill. I wasn’t even talking to him directly and I didn’t say anything offensive. I made the comment that my daughter is “white presenting”. He didn’t appreciate the terminology and it caused a big argument between Bill and his gf(my bf’s twin sister). I found the whole thing ridiculous because the comment I made had nothing to do with two of them. I wasn’t even directly talking to them. But it caused an argument between the two of them. This has taught me that I have to be very careful with what I say around Bill. But I’m not good at these sort of things. I’m pretty socially awkward. So usually if I don’t know what to say…I say nothing…
So how do I pull this off? What do I talk about with a person that is easily offended and has completely different world views than I do?
TL:DR – Having an outing with my boyfriend, his sister, and her boyfriend. Boyfriend’s sister’s boyfriend feels we ignore him. How do I include him when we have nothing in common and very different views?
3 comments
Why isn’t your bf handling this, not you?
I ’m an introvert and was a server for a very long time. I can’t tell you the amount of awkward conversations I had. My strategy was to ask a lot of questions and act interested. Simple questions like where’d you grow up? What was your major? People tend to open up more when talking about themselves and hopefully his answers will give you hints on where to go next. His body language and tone should indict on what he is interested in.
Or just let the conversation happen naturally. If you are talking about movies and he doesn’t chime in. Just ask him a question relating to the topic to include him.
If the goal is not to call him out on his BS. When a table would bring up a taboo subject or say something crazy I would just do a small chuckle and shake my head up and down and say a very neutral statement and smile. Then pivot the conversation just enough that it still feels natural. People perceive a lot off body language and facial expressions. Overtime It slowly killed my soul but helped me avoid a lot of awkward conversations.
But in all honesty, I’d argue with him if he is being an AH. You have the two best subject to do with it. Bring up the four horseman. Bring up trump. If nothing else it will be interesting.
Edit- just saw the military. Ask him questions about that. I grew up a military brat. In my experience retired military love to talk about it. Not combat but the day to day life and crazy stories. The way you describe him I would definitely be prepared to be offended and keep it moving.
Plan some neutral topics of conversation with your bf. Good shows you’ve seen recently, new restaurants in town / restaurant recommendations, new recipes, good walks in the area, sports. You could even ask the gf what kind of things they usually talk about and what are his interests, since she reached out to you asking to include him in conversation.