Whenever I visit it’s always the same. Mom runs to great me at the door, big hug, “I’m the happiest momma, don’t be gone so long again”. Dad gets up from the couch, gives me a quick half hug, asks how the drive / flight was. How’s work? Then goes back to the couch, unpauses jeopardy and goes back to reading his book. Mom sits on the chair and plays a game on her ipad.
And the whole visit, we don’t do anything but eat / watch a movie / hang out in the living room doing our own thing with some game show on. I made it a rule that the tv can’t be on during dinner when I visit which the comply but I feel it makes my dad uncomfortable and he doesn’t say much, dinner is usually super quiet.
I’ve been stressed / feeling uneasy about moving to a different city recently and called really wanting some advice. Mom put me on speaker, Dad said hi. I answered the typical preliminary what are you up to / how’s work questions then I mentioned I was thinking about moving but was feeling a little uncertain and my dad goes “Well I’ll let you go. Good luck with the move, give your brother a call if you need a hand.”
This is mostly just a rant but I do want to enjoy their company / have more meaningful or just fun conversations with them or get them to do an activity when I’m in town. Any people have similar situations? Any advice?
Some context. My parents are in their late 50s, my dad is obese and isn’t really down for outdoor activities. I’ve tried to get them to play games, my mom is always on board, my dad says “I’ll let y’all play”. If we go out it’s to a restaurant or a movie theater, I got them to go to a cocktail bar twice in the last 5-6 years and those were the best times I’ve had with them as an adult.
I’m seeing somebody who is very close with her mom and she recently went down to stay with her for a couple days because she had some time off work. It was so strange to me that somebody would have some time off and want to go hang out with family but I asked what they did and she said they rode bikes, worked on her garden, sewed a dress together and drank a lot of wine. I actually got a little jealous, sounds lovely.
Tl:dr I struggle to get my parents to do activities or engage in conversation past small talk and dread visiting them because of it. Any advice on agreeable activities / how I can better connect with them?
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All I can say I have the same kind of parents and I sympathize. Mine are quite a bit older than yours though, but they have always been like this so age isn’t really a factor. It is either the TV or dad is out in the yard doing some yard work when I visit even though he constantly complains how much he wants to see me. Don’t even really have dinner at the same time. I really hate visiting there cause it has always felt like they just barely exist and wait for their time to end and not you know, be alive and enjoy life.
I recommend either not making an effort or subscribing to doing what they enjoy doing; they’re enjoying your company sure enough and enjoy seeing your face so unless they’re assholes in disguise I don’t quite understand why you’ve got such a problem with lulling about for a day or two. They’ll be dead soon and you’ll sure be wishing you could sit “in dread” then.
They are introverts, you may not be. You’re 32, navigate it with empathy.
I have a very similar situation with my parents. TV in the living room is on 24/7, they don’t know how to talk to me and we only talk about things that don’t really matter. But at some point in my life I have just accepted it as I have notice that nothing will change. I tried talking to them about it and my dad almost got a heart attack when he heard me. I’m not saying don’t talk to them. I’m saying try talking to them and see what happens. At least you won’t feel bad for not trying anything.
I dunno, they just sound introverted. Pretty sure they love having you around.
Are board games out of the question for your parents? There are many rather good ones and they might be more comfortable for your dad and more fun for you.
There are also some Escape Room puzzles for at home or mystery games where you solve a murder. Maybe this could be a cool event as well?
My parents are the same way. Usually going out to eat is the best activity to get them out of the house. If I do visit them it’s usually for a day or two, no more than that since I’d lose my mind. Doesn’t help that it’s a few hours drive to see them. They’re good people, but also boring people. It’s just how it is.
OK I know how you feel as for my mum it was gardening from sunrise to sunset 7/7 days! I can suggest you to arrive at their home with a program for yourself: a card game or equivalent you could share with your mum, a movie from a book you like and know your father read, a walk or visit to a nice area with both of them or an invite to a good restaurant, etc.. but don’t stay home without doing nothing because it’s not a question of age but habit and you don’t have to feel guilty if you act differently from them . If they refuse then it will be time just before you leave to sit them down and tell them exactly what you feel and why you don’t like to pay a visit. Ask them to go half of their way as you did if they want to have a healthy relationship with their son and why not his future family
That’s a rough situation, especially when you could really use their advice or support on something.
It sounds like your dad is really set in his ways, but would your mum be okay with spending some time one on one with you and actually doing an activity?
When you watch a movie with them is it just whatever is on the tv, or can you suggest a movie to watch? Do they think about what they watch or is it just the easiest option?
If you ask your dad questions (for example about whatever he’s reading) does he engage or does he just want to shut the conversation down? Have you tried asking him about his childhood? His first job? His first car? I’ve found these to be good jumping off topics to engage my dad.
Sometimes you just have to accept the parents you have, and realise their limitations. You can still have a friendly relationship with them, just don’t expect things that they aren’t able or willing to give.
Do you have a mentor / family friend who you can go to for advice?
They’re not introverts. Some people just don’t do anything. They don’t have hobbies. They don’t engage in interesting conversations. They don’t learn new things. They work, they get married, and they have kids because they’re supposed to. I guess it’s good that they’re not unhappy living their lives like that. You can try and plan more things to try and get them to be more talkative. But I feel like your dad would find that annoying. You may just have to accept them as they are. At least they’re not spending all their time watching Fox news? My ex had older parents who would talk about Democrats trying to make farming illegal and other outlandish stuff. You don’t have to visit as often if it doesn’t bring you any joy.
Okay, so my parents are very square. They don’t drink, they don’t smoke, and they drink decaf coffee. My mom is 78, and my dad is 76. They are both introverts. My dads favorite pastime is watching Fox News (🤮) and my Moms guilty pleasure is watching Days of Our Lives. I turned her on to it, lol. My point in typing all this is that my parents are very set in their ways. They have a routine, and they stay active. But they are set in their ways, and they are happy. I understand that it might frustrate you that your parents don’t like the same things you do. If they are happy, and everything is good, there is nothing wrong with what they’re doing. Maybe ask your dad if there is a specific game he likes to play. Maybe watch some comedy movies or something like that. This is coming from a 44 year old mom with two sons. You might be frustrated now, but your parents aren’t going to be around forever. Nothing is promised. So maybe pick and choose your battles. Maybe just be grateful that you still have both your parents.
Try asking them about their parents and about their growing up years. How did they meet, how long did they date, what was their wedding like. Keep at it. Once they are gone you no longer have the opportunity to talk with them. During the last 7 years of his life I spent 100s of hours with my Dad – we mostly talked about his past. It was so amazing the things I learned. He and mother were married 63 years but by the time he passed I knew more about him than she did. Silly things like as a young teen he learned to yodel and his favorite game as a lad was a game called half rubber – stick ball with a half of a rubber ball. He also once shut up one of his grandfathers dairy cows in the feed bin and it ate itself to death. Old dairy hand helped him cover it up. He’s been gone 19 years and I think about him often remembering some sweet or funny story.
My in laws are just boring. They can only talk about the very limited subjects that interest them that have not changed in 30 years. My husband drags me along just so that he has someone else to talk to (they barely talk to me).
I don’t want to be negative, but your parents can’t or won’t turn into parents that you will enjoy spending time with. They are who they are – it’s not because you’re not trying. You can either keep trying to get them to do things that are more enjoyable for you, or cut down the time you spend with them, or just sit in front of the Tv with them.
I think you will need to use friends/ girlfriend as your sounding board for big decisions as it sounds like your parents are either not capable or not worldly enough to discuss these things with you.
Perhaps you can foster a more interesting relationship with your mum and go out with her separately sometimes. It sounds like your dad is a nice, easygoing guy who can’t face change – perhaps he has low confidence, perhaps you’re just very different people and he has no desire to live differently.
I do feel for you, but equally I can’t see the situation particularly with your dad changing. Make the most of things with your mum and hopefully that will make it easier to bear the downtime with your dad and give you something new to talk about with him
I had a very similar experience visiting my parents while my father was still alive. The book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” was quite an eye-opener for me.
It sounds like this is a really common problem. My husband’s dad is the same. We’ll go visit and he’ll have cooked for us. So far so good. But then we serve ourselves some food from the kitchen and take it to the dining room, while his dad will never actually join us at the table, he’ll be in the living room watching TV. It’s been this way for 6 years. Then they’ll chit chat about superficial things for 5 min total while watching more TV for an hour, as I pet the cat or something and then we leave.
My parents used to be better at it, like they’d sit with us when we’d go visit. But I’m starting to wonder if that was mostly because they used to live in an apartment and there wasn’t much space to escape to. Now that they live in a house with a yard and a garden we’re lucky if we get 20 min to talk all 4 of us. Mostly they’re out gardening or in the basement looking for something or feeding the dogs or whatever else. WHY do older parents do this? They ask us to come over and then when we’re there they won’t actually sit down for half an hour to talk unless we specifically request it. WHY? I just don’t understand, genuinely.
Edit: Come to think of it, one of my grandmas was like this too before she passed. We’d go visit her from hundreds of km away. She’d join us for lunch, not say much, then rush off to see her soap operas. Whyyyyy?
Before people were glued to their phones people were glued to their TVs. People who have addictive and antisocial personalities are going to be glued to a screen no matter what era.
How about you just enjoy being in their company without the need to want to do something other than being in the moment with them? Just go there and spend some time or you can suggest some activities, like baking a cake with your mom and you insist that your father sits in the kitchen reading his book. or Ask if they need any help to do something in the yard or the house.
but i am 100% sure your parents just want some peace and quiet and to enjoy the calmness of being an adult. Enjoy that with them~
The thing that strikes me about this is that the definition of quality time is different for both parties.
For your parents, it sounds like getting to simply sit next to you is enough for them to feel close to you. For you, quality time means actually engaging with another person.
Honestly, I’d probably tell them that your time together is limited these days so you want to do things together, and then ask each of them to list out 10 things they love doing- or 10 things they wish they did more often, or 10 things they *want* to do. Unfortunately you are going to have to accept that you are the source of energy here – and whether or not they respond to you being direct and then jogging their brains a bit… well, it’s up to them if they want to engage at the end of the day.
You could also make your time with them hobby time- if you have a craft hobby this would be the perfect place to work on things.
I am so sorry you were blessed with dysfunctional and unavailable parents. I recommend Heidi Priebe’s youtube channel to learn more about how to reparent yourself.
As to your relationship with your parents, there isn’t much you can do but keeping emotionally distanced from them. Theybare not available for emotional connection.
So … as boring as it is, that’s the worst part. I’d feel pretty grateful. Just know that’s all it is: boring. You can do boring for a few hours to make them happy, cmon.
My parents are similar. My mom is better. When I visit she likes to out for coffee and lunch and talk and spend time together, play games. But even my mom will just make dinner by herself and eat by herself as it’s her routine.
My dad is similar to your dad. He always says how much he misses me, but I visit for a week and he spends it mowing the lawn or running pointless errands. He also takes forever to do anything so mowing the lawn takes all day (he’s always been like this, nothing to do with age).
He also refuses to play board games and doesn’t have much to say other than talk about the weather and local news.
Here’s what I did.
Take them OUT OF THEIR ROUTINES.
I travelled with them. Take to them to new place together. No routines. No puttering around the house.
Now if cost is a factor then I can see how this wouldn’t work. I usually help them out of a bit on that.
I experience something similar with mine at the moment, but it comes from one of two things: either there’s nothing new to really talk about, or we’re just not talking about the real stuff for one reason or another. With my dad’s recent Cancer diagnosis and my transition into a new job, there’s plenty to touch on even outside those transitions, but sometimes we’re all okay with just enjoying the stillness of an evening of wine and Jeopardy between all the craziness. They are your parents, so things like saying they love you and don’t be a stranger go without saying and are sometimes borderline obligatory, but they still mean it, even if the delivery becomes mundane. What works for me was to genuinely listen and reciprocate to what’s important to them – explore until you find common interest, and then SHARE it. Invite them to do new things with you, allow them to do the same if they do invite you. They might be seeking stimulation in this relationship just as much as you are, but just don’t vocalize it in a way you expect.
Why struggle to get your parents to do things that they don’t want to do? They are happy knowing that you are well, came to visit and are living your own life. For a parent, that’s happiness. They are not active people and are never going to ride a bike or take a hike with you.
But you can cook with your mom and play Jeopardy with your dad. You can do the talking at dinner and tell them what you are interested in. I wish I could even sit in a room with my parents and do nothing. But they have passed.
Interesting. When we’d go to our daughter’s house (my husband passed), the younger ones sat in the livingroom and played video games. They wanted us to “watch” them play but never offered to let my husband or I try. I might have been able to beat them; I was good at Atari back in the day. Lol. We did eat dinner at the table with daughter and son-in-law. Then all back in living room and son-in-law put a movie on of his choosing. What goes on in younger people’s homes isn’t always that interesting either but you know sometimes it’s just good to “see” them. My husband once took air bb pistols (parents were okay with it and nobody lost an eye) and that did get the kids outside with him. If someone said let’s play Parcheesi, Scrabble, Trivia Pursuit, Uno, etc., we’d have played.
I’d focus on “visiting” with them outside the house.
How far apart do you live? What’s the climate like. A simple walk or visit to a park? Go food shopping together? Go to the local mall and do some shopping/have a wander.
Undertake a house project together? Painting a room? Decluttering? Deep cleaning? Organising?
Cook together? Do a cooking class together?
Another good strategy I’ve found is to ask for advice. People generally love to give advice.
I’m not in the same situation, but have had similar thoughts about my parents now that I have distance from them and recognise their ‘flaws’ (so to speak). What you might have been happy with as a kid (or might not have noticed) now bugs you about them and makes you wish they were different!
But it might help to reframe your thinking and understand that we can’t change our parents. They’re set in their ways and they come from a different generation. All parents have their shortcomings and recognising their flaws means that you can rewrite the story with your own kids/family!
Your visits might be unenjoyable BUT it sounds like your parents really appreciate you coming. Like someone else said, just you being there is enough for them. It’s okay for spending time with them to just mean that you’re physically present, rather than actively doing things together.
I know this sounds dark, but imagine they were gone tomorrow. Try and appreciate the time you spend with them (as much as it doesn’t meet your expectations) and try to see the visits as a finite thing that you won’t always be able to do.
Bring your book, be prepared to watch movies and order some yummy takeaway food to enjoy with them. Your visits will hopefully get better when you stop expecting so much from them! 🙂
Find a bar that’s having a band, maybe playing music from the 70/80s and tell them you wanna go. Playing older music may peek their interest. Play cards or two players game with your mom ask her if she wants to go for walks with you. Maybe a local park is having a concert you could suggest going.
Do they have subjects they’re knowledgeable or passionate/opinionated about? Maybe try some conversation starter questions. Come up with questions yourself or look some up or buy a set of cards/games like that. Could be related to current events and real life or just fun hypotheticals, like, “If you were on a desert island…”
When you say outdoor activities, do you mean sports/athletic stuff or just anything outside of the house?
If it’s the former, I’d recommend looking up some meetup groups near them and encouraging them to go. Just *anything* outside the house, even a board game cafe, is great – lack of socialising when you’re 50+ is a known risk factor for dementia, and one easily remedied.
It sounds like your mum is into board games, so maybe try some niche/indie board or card games and see what she thinks.
What sort of things is your dad interested in, when he watches TV? Is there anything you can think of that could overlap with any hobbies? You could make it a fun father-son project to do something or try different things out together and see what you both like.
The All Work, No Play podcast might be a good inspiration here – it’s two friends who try out different hobbies, then talk about what they liked and didn’t like about each one.
Personally, I have one set of grandparents who live a similar lifestyle to your parents, and their health is absolutely *abysmal* compared to my other grandparents, who are a decade old (and nearly 90). You don’t say how old your parents are, but this popped up with my grandparents in their late 50s, so you could possibly frame this as a health concern thing.
Just take your mom out, seems like she would enjoy more activity while your dad is quite content with doing nothing.
I have a similar situation. My parents (especially my mother) keeps complaining that I rarely visit them. But when I’m there we just watching TV. And at least they could put on something I enjoy but -no. My only advice is search someone other to fulfill your family needs.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents, that they’re good people, but you want more out of the time you spend with them. It’s understandable, you want quality time with them. You want experiences with them, build memories, and develop a better connection together.
In a way, it’s the same struggle parents have with their young children when they begin to develop their own sense of how they want to spend their time.
Your parents though are fully grown adults, with their own lives and relationships separate from you. If this is how they are when you’re not around in their normal everyday life/routine, is it realistic to expect them to act differently and change who they are to cater to your wants when you visit?
Sometimes all you can do is try to find a common ground, and do something that everyone can enjoy/participate in even if it’s not exactly what you want to do. You’re with them for a limited time on a visit. Maybe they’re not enthusiastic or willing to do things that you find interesting and stimulating but you *do* do things and share time together. Find the joy in the experience of going out to eat or seeing a movie together. There will inevitably come a time when you’ll wish that you could sit on the couch with your parents and watch a movie one more time.
Stop trying to control and change them
So. A couple of observations I made in myself as restrictions eased during the pandemic. Where I am we had periods of stay at home, followed by periods of your safe six or whatever bubble. My family took the pandemic precautions seriously and not only followed all the recommendations but were probably slower at easing than most people I know. I work from home (even pre pandemic), and I have vision problems and can’t drive. My world got real small during the pandemic.
As we started to be more social, I found it…awkward? Not that I had fear or worries but more that I didn’t have much to talk about. I take my kid to daycare, come home, work, get him from daycare. Nothing really exciting to other people. So when asked what’s new or how’s things are going it felt like I had nothing to contribute and the ease of small talk felt diminished.
And I say that as someone who has a lot of hobbies, though with a young one not a lot of time to indulge. I love plants, garden, play an instrument, quilt, sew, working on refinishing a dinningroom set, love board games but that’s super rare these days. But I’m
not someone without interests.
Anyways, long winded way to say that I think being away from the day to day/weekly social small talk made me rusty at filling scilence. I think when I see people like your parents, it’s like their world has gotten smaller in the same way and they don’t know hOW to do the thing anymore. You didn’t mention if they are retired or working etc. but especially with retirees, it can be a small world. It doesn’t mean they don’t WANT to do more and be closer with you, but that they’ve lost that skill set and don’t know how to be different.
Now if your mom is more willing to do things, it could be that she wants to do more but your dad has settled in to “this is fine” kind of mentality, and so she feels unsure how to cajole him into joining her , or unsure how to do it on her own.
If you want to change things, I think you’re going to have to expect a gradually change, and maybe only a partial one. You’re going to have to do more heavy lifting, which isn’t fair to you, but here we are.
I’d take steps to do things such as the following:
– “Mom/Dad, I really would like to treat you to a dinner/drink, this place blah blah. I’ve made reservations” or “Remember when we did XYZ? Let’s go back to that place and have a drink to see what has changed?”
– ask for them to share with you something that they enjoy. Like if one is a good cook/baker and used to make a certain meal you remember, ask them to teach it to you, or make it with you. Basically, picking an activity they already feel comfortable or knowledgeable about to make the barrier of entry less overwhelming for them.
– ask them questions about their experiences or family. “What was grandma like when you were a kid?” “Whatever happened to your friend Sue? Didn’t she move to X?” Getting the topic going can take away the “I don’t know what to talk about” feeling, and most people feel comfortable talking about themselves.
– the environmentalist in me hates this but, if it’s where you grew up, suggest going for
A drive and driving past your old house/school whatever to see how it has changed. Being in the car gives them something to look at, and be lightly distracted, while also being able to hold a conversation.
– if your mom is more willing than your dad, embrace her willingness. Do an activity with her, and also ask a few questions about your dad to maybe find out things he’s doing and you can ask him about to
Engage.
– if they have hobbies, ask what it is they enjoy about it to figure them out a bit. Like… I love learning music and I find it both engrossing and soothing but also really damn hard and that mentally thrill of solving a challenge is thrilling. I love gardening bf because I like seeing the changes made every day. Want to go to a plant shelter (cough store) with me? Hell ya! But if you know what they like about it you can find what they like it could guide suggestions for activities.
You will not get exactly what you want, so let that idea go. But I think you should be able to get more than this. It will be a bit small and gradual
Because change is hard to internally celebrate those victories.
And let this be a warning for our own behaviours. Find passions and hobbies, continue to push yourself to do things etc.
I don’t have any advice really but this is pretty much exactly how it is with my family. Although mine is much less placid because usually my dad has been watching too much news that’s got him all worked up at the immigrants or the striking nurses or whatever. Conversations quickly turn into arguments. I get bored of the TV and go and do something else, and then my dad gets mad at me for not being there with him. It’s like he wants me to hang out, but really he just wants to have all his “things” together in one place while he watches TV.
I guess gently suggesting other things to do is all you can do. Even just turning the radio on instead of the TV. Or if he likes quiz shows maybe you can find some trivia games to play, or even a jeopardy board game or something?
But I know how it is. Once people get into these habits, it’s very difficult to pull them out of it.
You seem to be judging them for how they like to spend their time. They should not be expected to entertain you. They seem to have their own hobbies, so have you ever tried asking about the things they like?
In my case it was the opposite, I learned that my parents didn’t care about my interests at all, since I wasn’t like the idea of the person they thought I should be. And when they did ask, they would just end up criticizing what I loved.
Accept your parents as they are, and get to know them better. Show interest in who they are, not who you think they should be.
You’re not super likely to change how your parents like to spend their time at this point in their life. They’re homebodies who like solo activities, but also like to have you around, and that’s mostly fine even if it’s a little boring. Maybe visiting them is something you just get through as a kindness to them and accept that it’s not going to be what you wish it would.
But you might manage some baby steps! Maybe you could get them to buy in on doing one activity together for each visit. Maybe you could focus on your mom and just play games with her. Maybe you offer to help with some kind of project or ask for their help with a project of yours. That was how we got through visits with an elderly relative some years back – when we were visiting her, we always found something we could fix up for her, like repairing a leaky faucet or getting her better lighting for a room or helping her clean out an overstuffed closet. It kept us moving around, gave us an excuse to get out for a while running out for supplies, and stuff like the closet sparked some fun conversation reminiscing about things we found.
I think this is mostly typical for a lot of people. Not the conversing thing or the activities thing, but “doing your own thing” situation. As children we grow up in the same house, we spend time as a family and as individuals. Some parents just don’t ever break that mindset. As an adult you are no longer a resident in your parent’s home, but you exist somewhere in-between a resident and a guest. Your parents are used to having you in the same house as a resident, not as a guest.
Similarly with other families where some parents don’t fully actualize that their kids are adults with individual lives or lump siblings together, but that’s an entirely different problem.
I think the best solution is try to find some middle ground on activities or conversations. Do your parents like playing cards? Any old school card games they could teach you? Cocktail bar might not be the right spot for them, maybe just a restaurant or brewery instead? Maybe your Dad is insecure about his weight and doesn’t want to be around a lot of people? Go to dinner earlier or some place with lower lighting. Avoid the small talk, skip to topics you know they like talking about.
I’m just spitballing and I know I’m making this sound easier than it is.
I have the opposite problem. My son moved out of state. It’s cost prohibitive for him to bring his wife and kids back to me, so I go to them.
When the kids go to bed, my son and his wife watch tv and snack. Is it with them, all awkward, trying to start conversation. They oblige a bit.
I finally had a conversation with them about wanting to join them in whatever they usually do. Funny thing, this -*is* what they do. And so am joining them. We have better conversations when we are states apart.
I have no advice except to meet them where they are at. They clearly aren’t capable of meeting you where you’re at.
This is embarrassing, but my extroverted child might see me and my husband this way. We are in our 50s and just like to hang out at home. We’re usually on a screen but like to pause every once in a while, have a discussion, and then go back to it.
I love my kids being around because they bring energy to the environment, and I just love them and like to see them. I will definitely do some thing if they want to do something, but I probably wouldn’t suggest it. The last “fun” activity we did was strawberry picking. My son gets us to do errands with him sometimes, and that’s even fun for me. I like watching my oldest play her video game (Tears of the Kingdom).
One thing I would suggest is putting on some music from when they were teenagers. That should trigger some discussion from them. You could also suggest watching a movie from that time period.
My parents have been like this since I was a kid. Mom fiddled with something in the house to keep busy, dad would find something outside to do. Usually sit in his shop and tinker on something.
These days they’re in their 70s, usually we just sit in their living room so they can see the grandkids (live out of state now). Trips home are short… my relationship with them is one of mutual respect, we have nothing in common. Heck, my dad recently figured out texting, and I think I’ve had better conversations that route than I ever have while visiting.
Some of us hit the parent lottery, others of us just have boring parents set in their ways.
I (F27) am in the same situation. My parents freequently complain that I do not visit them enough, but when I’m there they just continue their daily lives. I’ve brought it up several times, saying I was hoping we could spend more quality time together when I’m there, and that honestly I do not wish to visit more when all they do is watch TV/read a book/similar activities, and say no to most of my suggestions of things we could do together.
At this point I’ve just accepted it. I visit them on average every 6-8 weeks for a day or two, and thats how it is. If they are not willing to form an “adult relationship” with me (aka spend time with me), and still see me as a teenager thats just there, then thats their problem.
I deeply wish to have a better relationship with them and to bond with them more, but I’ve stopped bending backwards to make it happen.