If you’re in a committed relationship and a former casual partner reaches out do you disclose this to your partner? Are there any circumstances that would change your response?
My specific situation is that an old partner reached out. The conversation pretty quickly turned sexual (they pushed it there rather quickly, not me) and I shut it down politely. I don’t feel good about keeping it from my boyfriend but it doesn’t feel like something I should share either.
I wouldn’t want to have my boyfriend’s previous partners reaching out in this way and would be sad to see it however I would never look through his phone (or he through mine). But also, if he shut the conversation down and didn’t actively engage I guess that’s all we can hope for… we can’t change their former partner’s behavior and can only hold our current partners to any expectations.
Curious what you all would do or have done.
28 comments
I think it’s a matter of trust and transparency. I’d want to know only to hear that you shut it down and that you were willing to be open with me.
You shouldn’t have to be afraid of your partners emotions such that you start to hide things.
Unless you intend on dumping current BF or plan on going to bounce on this dudes dick then no,what’s the point. Shut other guy down, block and delete if he won’t stay civil and carry on.
Tell him
If a former partner did that to me I wouldn’t just shut it down I would block them for their disrespect. I’d like to think any guy I was in a relationship with would do the same. If he’s done that it probably doesn’t matter if he’s told me. If he hasn’t and then she gets in touch again then I’m going to wonder why he has not told me
Definitely tell him, be transparent
Yes, I would tell my current partner. I would likely start with “absolutely nothing happened, but I want you to know, [name] reached out to me yesterday. I felt very uncomfortable about the conversation. This is what occurred… ” I’d then see if they have any response or want to discuss anything further.
It’s about transparency.
I had a previous relationship where this did happen. I decided not to say anything and I felt like I was hiding something. I shut the former partner down, but said nothing. Like a month later I finally told her… she was more upset I waited a full month than anything.
I don’t keep any secrets from my SO. We both even use the same password on our phones. Nothing to hide. It keeps things easy.
tell him, if he founds out it could give a very different impression
Yep, I have and I would again.
Not even as a big deal topic of conversation type of thing, but more that I tell a partner most things.
Eg:
Them: oh how was your day?
Me: work was busy, but I had a great sandwich for lunch. Oh, and Kyle messaged me randomly, it was weird.
Are you planning on keeping this ex as a friend still? If so, not telling him makes it seem like you’re hiding it so you can maintain the friendship/acquaintanceship.
Part of building trust is openness and transparency. By not sharing, it makes you less trustworthy imho. If it ever somehow came to his attention that this interaction took place, it will seems suspicious that you hid it.
I’d probably disclose it because there’s very little reason not to imo. However, i wouldn’t hold it against my partner for not telling me. I believe in some secrecy in a healthy relationship.
Block your old partner. There’s no benefit in maintaining communication with that person… or is there?
This might be me projecting my own experience on to others, but I’d be wondering why there was any conversation at all, other than “hey, sorry I’m dating someone now.” My ex wife tried playing off an ex boyfriend that reached out to her, and I was like why are you even talking to that dumbass just block him? Then later it turned into an emotional affair type situation. I would expect someone I’m dating to block/unfollow any ex that reached out to them, especially if they were looking for ass. There’s no reason to talk to an ex/hookup unless you care about them, especially if they openly show sexual interest. Again I’m being judgy because of my history, I just know girls messing around with their exes is the oldest story in the book. Even when they swear they would nnnnneeeever evvver do it.
think of how this will look to your partner if this comes up later
tell him. it’s easier to get through a difficult 2 minute convo than put the pieces of broken trust back together
I do generally mention it and my response, which 9 times out out of 10 is to ignore the message.
I usually ignore them if they persist I tell them I’m in a committed relationship and that ship has sailed I’m loyal to my partner so won’t be engaging with them as I’d not like if my partner was texting previous relationships behind my back. I told my now ex boyfriend that the previous ex had reached out & I wasn’t going to reply until he persisted ways to try contact me even though I had blocked him on most platforms never met my family friended them on FB I didn’t eve use, LinkedIn you name it & my partner said isn’t it great you’ve 2 guys fighting for you I wasn’t going behind his back anyway no need but when he came to him doing it well into our relationship he didn’t have the same values as me didn’t believe in blocking or flirting with someone by text was emotional cheating & we overcame it only to be broken up with a few weeks ago, best to be honest it’s not bragging.
You block this person and eliminate him from the contacts easy, if you keep him there you are actually having himninnthe afterburner and unconsciously he will become the backup plan if something goes wrong
Hiding it feels weirder, even if you did block after. I’d much prefer a “today was weird, my ex reached out and I talked to him superficially and he turned it sexual so I had to block him”. I’d be really bothered if I found out another way that someone talked to their ex, it went sexual – even if unreciprocated – and then they hid it from me. Bit odd.
I think you should tell him. For all the reasons already mentioned, and you don’t know what the future will bring. Say somehow in 2, 5 or 10 years from now your ex and current meet or run into each other and the ex says, “Hey, I spoke to OP a few years ago, how’s she doing?” All of a sudden it’s a thing, why didn’t you tell me, and your current might feel lied to by omission.
Depends on the situation. If ex partner with whom relationship ended in bad terms reaches out with just “hey” I usually just ignore or block. Sometimes I mention that to my partner, sometimes I dont, but not because I want to hide anything, but because I just forget about it really quickly.
I have few exes with whom I stayed in friendly relationship and my partner knows about them so I dont really feel like need to tell him everytime they reach out and he doesnt really care. If one of those exes whoud start communicate with me in an inappropriate manner I would block them and inform my partner about that.
I would not disclose it, but I would also block. If you’re unwilling to block the person, then I’d say you’re obligated to tell your BF.
I do disclose it, immediately, just so there’s never any misconceptions or so that mistrust can’t take root. In a few relationships in the past I’ve been lied to and / or cheated on, and I made the decision to make certain any partner I have won’t ever think I’m hiding something from them, so I figure a policy of “immediately tell them, and offer to show them the convo” makes it a lot easier on me and them.
I would share that, but not if it is small talk. For example, while on a relationship, I had an ex contacting me to ask random stuff, like:
-Hey JR-90! All good?
-Yup, yourself?
-Same! So there was this band you showed me that had a cover of <this> song and I wanted to check out more of their stuff, what was their name?
-Oh, their name was <that>.
-Awesome, thanks!
This is just someone being friendly asking for something quick that I got the answer for, so I’m not “reporting” it cause it literally has no importance as the conversation ends there. It would be way different if that was used as an excuse to start conversation and make it sexual or similar, then that I would be sharing with the current partner.
I would and have. Just a quick “bob messaged me today and was a bit inappropriate. I told him i’m with someone and if he does it again i’ll block him.” Or something like that.
My ex had a history of talking to ex partners behind my back all the time and downplaying it or lying straight up about it. He’d delete them, or delege part of the texts that were incriminating to him. And then he eventually cheated on me with someone new. So yeah. I’d wanna know just for the sake of building trust and transparency because if you hide it and it cones out later, it will be a bigger issue. I don’t believe in hiding stuff no matter how trivial. If i can’t share mundane day to day things with you, even if they aren’t a big deal, then why am I dating you? Its basic communication skills and demonstrating those is how you build intimacy and trust.
Id tell him so it doesn’t escalate into something in the future, you never know. Its better he know then to find put in another way later on in the relationship.
No I don’t disclose it anymore. I did once and that stirred up some unneeded jealousy in my current partner at the time. I had shut down the text with my ex pretty quickly. But when I revealed it to my current partner she got defensive and jealous. Sure it’s on my partner and she probably needed to work on her insecurities. But I feel there’s nothing good that can come of it. I have nothing to hide, but I’m not about to stir up a hornets nest for no reason either.
Yes I have and would again. Full disclosure, always (for me)
I generally have good relationships with Ex’s so its usually a pretty different conversation. I also usually try to work in “hey i’m in a new relationship” into those conversations real quick too.
But yeah I disclose as a matter of course. So my ex knows I’m in a relationship and the new relationship knows I’ve talked to my Ex (and maybe even let them see the texts).