im not s\*\*idal btw just to preface. i hope somebody reads this fully. im not tryna be a classic whiner on this sub but i have no one to talk to.
its about 2 am rn, ive cried a lot and im not doing good right now. infact i dont remember the last time I ever really was thriving. maybe when i was 2? who knows. this all spiraled from a convo i had with a friend (P).
well i texted P abt something kind of unrelated, but i was just texting her abt me maybe liking my guy friend, but i cant really tell. we started talking about how it feels to be the friends that never get hit on, etc. not sure if that part of the convo really contributed to anything, but i’ll just put that there. and then we started to talk about her crush, and then she asked me if i knew our friend’s crush (lets call her E). I knew about E’s previous crush, but I wasnt so sure I knew so she told me. Yup, i didnt know. Now see, obviously no ones obligated to tell me who they have a crush on or anything, but i always tell her who i have a crush on or wtv. and we’re good friends, but this made me realize (it wanst the only thing, just the thing that mde me realize) that we have grown a bit distant.
Here comes the most important part: now why are we distant? Well, it all starts with our good friend A. A and I have known each other the longest (since we were 4, we’re now 16), but we’re not that close. She comes from a very unemotional house, where her parents werent the most affectionate. Thus I think she is very unemotional and probably doesnt realize the impact of things she says. I started noticing around 6+ months back that she was starting to slightly disrespect me, and would laugh at everything i say. At first I didnt think too much of it, then she started calling me stupid, dumb, etc. Supposed to be in a friend way, but the way she said it, the nonchalance, the amount of times, the fact that i kid you not she did this with NOBODY in our group, made me start to rethink her actions. I started noticing, because we eat lunch together (A, P, E, and another a but like she doenst really have a part in this), that she is CONSTANTLY laughing at everything and that im always a joke in the group. If i say something slighly quirky or wtv she’ll laugh, give a side eye, and everyone will join in. I can’t fully explain it well, but its that her jokes about me always go too far, calling me stupid/dumb, laughing at everyy single thing i do, making me feel like I joke. AHH i dont know why i cant explain in full what she does. anyways, even AFTER i told her abt it (she acknowledged, apologized), she continued to do it. and my friends? who see that i get visibly upset and i dont like it? they laugh along. I was explaining that I think I’m distant with E because shes usually in the group, whereas I see P and other A more outside of the group, and I’ve been distancing myself from the group. To be real, im fucking upset that my friends dont stand up for me, the way i would for them. It really really really fucking upsets me. I cant explain how much. Makes me feel like im back in elementry school, not many friends, and no one standing up for me. Anyways, some while back I told E about this. What was her response?
“Nooo come on she doesn’t mean it badly 😔
“I get how you feel though”
“Ig if it’s repetitive it gets annoying”
HELLO??? ITS NOT ABOUT BEING REPEPTITIVE BITCH?!?! ITS ABOUT THE FACT SHE CONTINOUSLY DISRESPECTS ME AND TAKES A “JOKE” (which a pathetic cover up for what it really is) TOO FAR AND I CANT DEAL WITH IT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. LIKE TRUE SHIT. WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HER? SHES THE ONE CLEARLY HURTING ME
So yea. I was a bittt pissed with friend E. But still, I love her and I dont want to be distant with her, I just want to be distant with A. I have thick skin, I can take jokes about myself, but what I cannot take is disrespect. Constant, disrespect. Where I’m laughed at for everything. I am the laughing stock of my group it seems. For example, they had naan and butter chicken at school and I was tryna teach my freinds how to eat. A LAUGHED AT ME FOR THAT. You guys, I swear I understand the difference between playful teasing and then being mean. What she does on a daily basis is being mean.
Friend P says, yea I understand but ” I think its better now”.
.
Better? How about she doesnt laugh at everything I do? How about that? Why should I be expected to deal with her shit? I dont owe anything to anyone to deal with them being mean. Because thats what it is, mean. So yes I got pissed, and I’ve left her on delivered now. She texted me saying “Are you made at me :(“. Why dont they understand it hurts me, and all i really want is for someone to just understand. They say they do, then they laugh with A.
And it just spirals from there. I realize, I’m not really close with any of my friend groups anymore. I realized; I am lonely. I am very lonely. I don’t have anyone I can talk to. Look at me, I’m writting my problems on reddit. Life is just so hard. Theres so much these days. All I can think abt is “GPA, College, making my parents proud, looking pretty, will anyone ever like me, I’m so lonely, no one cares for me, I can’t do this anymore”. I cant even take care of myself, I cant take care of my spaces. I’m so fed up with life. I just want to float around in nothingness.
Texts:
From me: okay so basiclaly i dont think that anything ebtween me and E happened, i think its that i purposely distanced myself from our group cuz of A. i had talked to her abt that thing before, and she seemed understanding that it was hurting my feelings but shes back at it again and i cannot stand it. i tried, but ultimately it felt like continous disrespect. ik i talked to E abt it as well and she said “oh she doesnt mean it like that!”. and i was like…..every single day at lunch, who does she lowk make fun of? whos every word does she laugh at? and its not in a good way either. before i thought it was laughing with me and it started feeling later like laugh at me. and i tried to get her to stop without talking to her because she just wouldnt get it. and then i used to think “well someones gotta see how this is weird and lowk disrespectful, but everyone would laugh along” . she still doenst get it. and i feel like i still see you, other A outside of the group but i think that because i distanced myself a bit i also got a bit distant from her, which is literally the complete opposite of what i wanted.😢1
P’s response:
You: but also
You: does she do this with anyone in our group?
You: as much as she does with me?
P: Hmmm
P: Not really
P: At least I don’t notice
P: But there’s always some joking
P: We always joke about something at lunch
P: At the expense of someone
P: But not anything harsh
P: But that’s the way it is for me
P: And for us
P: I think we see it as fun
You: i see
P: Not offensive
P: But I completely understand you
P: Ik what you mean
P: Im not trying to minimize it for you
P: Like last year a lot of the comments she made were out of hand imo
P: Are you mad at me 🥺😩
Also heres chatgpt explaing it a bit better than me:
From my perspective, I’ve been experiencing a situation where my friend, A, constantly finds amusement in everything I do, and it’s taking a toll on me. It’s disheartening and distressing to be on the receiving end of constant laughter, as it undermines my self-confidence and makes me question my worth. The fact that A laughs at everything I say or do, without considering the impact it has on me, is incredibly hurtful. It goes beyond playful banter or light-hearted teasing. Instead, it feels like I’m being ridiculed and belittled on a daily basis. The laughter has become a constant reminder that my thoughts, opinions, and actions are somehow inadequate or deserving of mockery. It’s a painful experience that chips away at my self-esteem and leaves me feeling devalued. I had hoped that by sharing my feelings with A and even discussing it with E, there would be a shift in behavior or a deeper understanding of how hurtful it can be. However, the persistence of this behavior demonstrates a lack of empathy and disregard for my emotional well-being. It’s disheartening to witness how easily others dismiss the impact of constant laughter, failing to recognize the lasting damage it can inflict. In my efforts to cope with the situation, I chose to distance myself from the group, including A, in the hope of finding some solace and preserving my own sense of self-worth. However, this unintentionally led to a sense of isolation and further detachment from those I cared about, including P, E, other A, which is contrary to my original intention of seeking understanding and support.