Need some support as despite having lots of friends an active social life and fulfilling hobbies. My tolerance this year for spending time alone has fallen to rock bottom. I used to really like alone time particularly after a day of socialising on Saturday I would love a quiet Sunday to myself. But the last couple of months I have found this routine very tough and find it hard to tolerate any day when I do not have plans to socialise. I don’t feel the solution is to just fill up my social calendar to exhaustion but I was wondering if there are any techniques you have used where I can regain my comfort with my own company. The ultimate solution I am craving is the companionship that comes from a relationship but I am determined not to settle out of loneliness. So whilst I wait for the right relationship, how do I make these alone times move from insufferable to enjoyable?
Thank you in advance xx
9 comments
When I was single in the middle of the pandamic it helped me to plan things to do on my alone days. For example go for a walk, fix something in the house, gardening, my hobbies, mealprepping etc. Empty days felt long and pointless and extra alone but when I had things planned it felt much better.
As filling a social calendar is not and likely will not be an option for me, I have had to fill every free moment with some sort of hobby. Anything to pull my focus away from increasingly melancholy rumination and force it, often roughly, on to some sort of external activity.
In my case these amount to mostly artistic pursuits, so I think at least subconsciously I’m aiming for some sort of Henry Darger style legacy.
If it’s easier to spend time caring for a loved ones needs and happiness, you can always reframe self care as doing things for someone you care about.
Treat yourself like you would treat a person who you love.
I don’t know if there’s a miracle cure. sometimes you just have to be sad and lonely and uncomfortable, as a part of life… sometimes it helps to pick up a new hobby, or try to engage in an activity that helps others…
in the long run what has helped me as a chronically single person is to stop framing it as “I’m lonely because I haven’t found my person.” actually, I’m lonely because I’m human and this is a human emotion that will happen regardless of my relationship status. so it really takes a lot of the weight off to realize that you’re lonely because you are a person who experiences human emotions, not just because you’re alone. It’s just a normal everyday feeling. you will also feel lonely within your relationships.
I don’t know if that thinking would help other people, but I started reframing it like 5 years ago and I haven’t had any of those moments where I felt hope was lost, pushing 40 and still haven’t found someone…. it just feels more like part of the cycles and motions of life, and less like “i’m feeling lonely because I’m single.”
Gotta make time for other people, one or twice a week, like going to the gym. Social day is just like leg day: dont skip it. Go watch a movie, get a drink, play a game, something in person. Idk what it is but it HAS to be in person or it doesn’t work right.
I was single many years including till the end of August 2020.
My house was spotless from bored cleaning. I am a slight hermit though even living with somebody, I used to go on holiday alone, read, diy projects, looking forward to things like walking, going to the gym, solo hobbies so cycling and i got a SUP.
Planning some simple things made me feel better.
Also I was incredibly lost when my cat passed away and felt 1000x better a few yrs later when I got another. Just something to talk at, play with, keep alive made me feel less alone and more like i had a purpose. (A purrpose)
I don’t have a solution to that too, but many comments seem interesting. For me the feeling of loneliness was particularly hard and for many years I was looking for a romantic relationship to sooth it. After a decade of unreasonable dating and broken hearts I understood that this is not what I want. So now I try to come into good terms with this feeling. I have a very nerdy job which gives even more of that loneliness but I try to go to a library to work, be surrounded by people. I don’t have a big social circle or a family, but I keep in regular touch with the few people I have. I did some volunteering job, that was really nice and fulfilling. For some time in my life I found peace in a sports club, not a gym but like a sports association, for me it was sailing but there might be a hiking group etc depending on your country. Sometimes when I am super afraid of this crippling feeling I just let it come and see that time passes and the evening wasn’t that bad as I thought. I am not a serial tv/Netflix person, but I guess it might help too. The best is to embrace it, let it roll over you like a wave and then see that it wasn’t that bad. I still get from time to time sad about my loneliness. The weather gets finally better and of course I can go and chill at the river on a Saturday by myself, but there is the sadness in me about it. Maybe it is normal maybe it will pass.
I’ve learned to sit with those negative feelings and really feel it for a few minutes, without assigning it to any thoughts or situations, and it eventually subsides.
I also tend to fill my day with things so I am distracting myself but also I’m feeling accomplished and productive. I cook/meal prep, read, meet friends, clean, declutter, plan for future things, go for walks.
However, I truly wish we both find companionship.
I’ve never really enjoyed my own company. Ever.
What I do is constant distraction.
Watch a movie, read a book, play a video game.