I’m having a difficult time navigating my emotions and how to move forward.
Last year, I got into a really intense relationship with someone I met on Hinge (28F). We immediately hit it off and I was spending most days with her. We broke up back in October and it was rough to say the least. I left that relationship with a lot of lessons: boundaries and communication being the major ones. It was one of those relationships where all your friends raise concern and wouldn’t tolerate that type of behavior. It was one of those things if someone came up to me and recounted the things said and done, I would be like, “why are we having this conversation, dip!”
At this point, we’ve been separated much longer than we’ve been together. I still miss her though. We had some bad times, but we also had some great ones. My therapist and I did a lot of work on this, and it’s really frustrating because I am having difficult times making progress.
I thought I was making progress and actually started dating someone again (34F). We established exclusivity pretty quickly on, we’ve only been dating for nearly two months. Two things came up from the last relationship: boundaries and communication. It started because she made some insults towards my spiritual beliefs and we didn’t end up speaking for a day because I assumed it dealt with childhood trauma. I gave her space and later, I was able to have a meaningful conversation with my girlfriend about boundary pushing and it felt great to have made progress. She apologized and explained why the reaction was the way it was (based in trauma growing up in her religion).
In my last relationship, I learned that you can’t just use your trauma as a justification with how you treat people. I forgave her, but it’s still eating away at me. More recently she made some pretty disrespectful comments to a couple of friends while we were all out and that really bothered me. It was something that wasn’t a big deal and not even an inconvenience. Lot of “fuck that and fuck them” attitude about it.
I chose to reflect on it instead of directly bringing it up. My friend commented how uncomfortable I looked for the rest of the night, so that’s telling. It was also the first time I was out with my girlfriend that I had a wave of anxiety that I would run into my ex when we were all out. I didn’t like that feeling.
I don’t know if this relationship is the right thing for me at this time. With the concerning behavior that was held and then the disrespectful comments – I just don’t feel secure in the relationship. I like her a lot, we have a lot in common, and she’s fun to be around. We have a great sex life and aside from what was previously said, things have been alright.
Still, with feelings of my ex starting to resurface and some of her past behaviors, I’m wondering how to address these issues? I get everyone has some form of baggage, but is mine holding me back?
TLDR: My current girlfriend has been great. Despite how we mesh and how I feel about her there have been handful of concerning things pop up that makes me reconsider. At the same time, feelings of anxiety of my recent ex have started to resurface. I’m asking how to address these issues?
2 comments
It sounds like you need to give yourself more time between relationships and that you have some personal work to do before jumping into another relationship.
It feels like you haven’t gotten over your last relationship. I don’t think that your current gf is as bad as you think she is but you’re not happy. And being unhappy means you should her out of the relationship until you’ve processed everything. It’s not fair to hold onto your baggage while expecting her to have none.