TLDR: boyfriend keeps comparing me to a toxic ex for “behaving in a manner that aligns with her behavior.” when asked to stop, he snapped and said “so, what, I can’t talk about my trauma now?” I don’t know what to say.
Okay so. Boyfriend and I had a whirlwind kinda thing early on. I got pregnant five months into our relationship. I had two children prior, as I was married before we met.
His previous partner was someone he dated when he was young and actively using methamphetamine. They were horrible to each other. He regularly made harsh comments about her appearance, and she developed an eating disorder. She was obsessive and controlling, and would make him spend hours on the phone anytime he left the house without her. Both were quite flawed and toxic.
He went to rehab eight years ago and has been sober since. I am so insanely proud of him for be able to do that, especially as an addict in recovery myself.
Now. On five or six separate events, he told me I was acting like his ex, or I’m just like her.
Most recently, it came up a few weeks ago. We have a mutual friend that I met through my partner. Mutual friend and partner wanted to hang out one on one for a while, and then partner would come get me from our house so I could join. They were on the phone talking about timing when partner left the house.
Two hours with no word. Just waiting to find out when I’m getting picked up.
Waiting.
I send a message, asking what the plan is.
No response. Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Finally, he says he’s lost track of time and he’ll come get me in two hours, between 8:30-9:00pm. I take medication that makes me insanely tired and I’m usually in bed by ten or eleven. The friend is almost thirty minutes away. But I say okay. I’ll see you at 8:30. He meant leaving. I tell him I don’t really want to be out that late so I’m gonna just stay home.
He calls me when he had planned on leaving and I reiterated I didn’t want to go, and that my feelings were hurt by being kept in the dark regarding plans I was supposed to be a part of. I reiterate all it would have taken was a text sooner, instead of me sitting and waiting like a dog.
Later that evening, I point out the discrepancies in his expectations for communication when I’m gone without him, but how I don’t ever hear from him when he’s gone. I pointed out that it’s been recurring. I said I felt forgotten if I wasn’t in front of him. He snapped at me. He said “I’ll text you when I text you.”
It hurt my feelings and the conversation escalated in tone. I was equally snappy, and told him it didn’t feel fair for him to not include me after making a point to say I would be included. His response?
“This is a step away from demanding I sit on the phone with you every time I leave, just like (ex).”
This was almost identical to each time this comparison has been drawn. He went to pick up a phone from the store two years ago, and then was radio silent for five hours so I got worried and asked if he could let me know when he’s gonna be gone longer than he thought. He told me I was micromanaging his time like (ex). I never really got over that. It just… Stung. So today, I brought it up. How much it bothers me when he does that, and how unfair it feels.
“So, what, now you’re telling me I can’t talk about my trauma? ”
I said no, that’s not it. He can discuss the discomfort without comparing us, especially when it seems like a far leap, to me. I gave examples of times I was anxious from trauma without comparing him to the person who traumatized me in the first place. I said things to the effect of, “Hey, I am feeling anxious and a little triggered right now. Can we take a break?”
Apparently he did not like that suggested fix. It was not good enough or something because he asked me four different ways what I expect him to do or say. And now I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. I don’t think it’s unfair to not want to be compared to a controlling, abusive ex.
5 comments
If i’m being honest, this relationship sounds WILDLY unhealthy. He may have coped with his addiction and found a path to sobriety, but he did NOT cope with his trauma and he’s taking it out on you.
Its unfair to you that you can’t express your feelings in your relationship without it becoming a fight. It’s inappropriate of him to use his “abusive, toxic ex” as a manipulation tactic when he sees fit. Instead of giving you honest feedback (“when you text me when i’m out with friends, it feels like you’re trying to control me”) he just says “you’re being like my ex”. Which is intentionally cruel, and is a lazy way of telling you he’s unhappy with your behavior without having to take any responsibility for making you behave that way. If it’s a “you problem”, he doesn’t have to address the fact that he’s done something shitty to make you bring this up in the first place.
I’m irate for you that he treats you this way and that he’s somehow made you think you deserve this treatment or that its your responsibility to behave the “right” way to keep him from making those comparisons.
I’m afraid, given how defensive he is and how he seems incapable of talking about this in a rational, thoughtful manner, that i already know the answer to this question, but: Would he be open to couples’ counseling?
You dont mention how long you’ve been together, nor whether you have given birth or have any intention of keeping the child you became pregnant with when you first got together. That is a major factor here. If you weren’t potentially going to find yourself in a co-parenting relationship with him, i would say “walk the fuck away and never look back– this guy is not kind or loving and he does not have the same goals for the relationship as you do”. But unfortunately, you may be pretty tethered to him. So i think you need to pursue active, immediate change to how you two communicate because it’s ALREADY PRETTY BAD and the longer you go without being able to have real, good, effective conversation, the more your relationship will break down.
What is so wonderful about this guy that you didn’t dump him the first time he pulled this shit?
Yeah, as the others have put it, he’s not a wonderful partner and you and your kids would be better off if you can separate from him and his manipulative, abusive behavior.
I have to say, though, that as the product of addict parents, I can’t help but wonder what he’s been doing during those hours of radio silence. I know you said he was sober for eight years, and I wouldn’t want to dispute that if it’s true, but whenever my parents seemed sober it turned out that they had relapsed but learned how to use more discreetly. When was the last time he did something requiring a drug test? Do you live in an area where he could easily find a dealer? When you have sex, have you been able to check his arm/legs/other areas for new marks or unusual bruising? His reason for being so cruel could be more insidious than you’re currently considering.
Maybe you should ask yourself: was it really the ex’s fault or his? I think that most likely they were both responsible!
My partner does this because he speaks whatever he thinks and it’s normal for negative moments (an argument) to bring up past negative emotions.
You need to simply say, “I don’t like being compared to your ex, I do xyz to be a good partner and it makes me feel like my efforts are wasted. If you continue in arguments to say those things, instead of taking a breath and looking at who is actually in front of you, I will leave”
And then follow though. You’ll only need to walk out once (seriously walk out, pack, leave for days) and he will either snap out of it and will be far more conscientious of this reaction in future. Or he won’t, and you’ll be saving yourself a big headache!