I recently gave birth to our first child three weeks ago so the postpartum emotions are at an all time high. My fiancé was very supportive and cared for me throughout my pregnancy. But I would have dreams of him cheating or leaving me. I recently had a dream of him leaving me either earlier this week or last week. I’ve never gone through his phone before but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I did a quick look through and everything seemed fine (kind of which I was more thorough with the searching tbh) until I got to Facebook messenger where I found a DM he sent to someone in a VERY flirtatious manner (calling her thick, etc). This message dates back to when I was pregnant and it completely broke me. I have been back and forth with myself because he hasn’t sent anything in such a manner since (that I know of) but the fact that he could send a message to a woman that isn’t me speaking to her like that destroys me. I don’t know if I should just let it go or not. I have a three week old which is a lot on its own. I’m scared to rock the boat and create more than I can handle but the level of disrespect has me ready to say f it. Thoughts on the best way to go about this?
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This is sensitive.
As two people grow into a committed relationship they both need to behave in a committed manner. It takes deep acceptance that you will be with the same person forever and your sexual exploitations are over for good.
One way to look at the message he sent is with rage and to be appalled. I would only recommend this approach if you had evidence he has cheated.
A better way to handle the situation is this. Sit him down and tell him you have a moderately sensitive topic you want to discuss. (You want the mood to be right where he is comfortable). I would then inform him what you discovered. The underlying goal is to recalibrate him towards loyalty. Be understanding that he had a moment of weakness and made a poor decision. Tell him, “I get it, you saw a chick you thought was attractive and did something stupid”.
I would then steer the conversation to clearly inform him that this type of behavior isn’t acceptable when you are engaged with a child. I would tell him that your expectation is that he controls himself when tempted, and that you are aware it’s a part of life.
Have him explain his actions and let him know you require reassurance if his commitment to you and the family the two of you are building. You can even throw in a respectful “it’s time to be a responsible husband and father. You are in a new phase of life now buddy.”
Addressing it is warranted.
**You are blaming hormones and a dream for your own cheating.**
Cheating isn’t just fucking, or even trying to fuck someone else, it’d breaking the rules of a relationship and you did it just as he did it. In the end you found out that neither of you are trustworthy. To make himself feel better he’ll flirt with other people. To make yourself feel better you violated his personal space and privacy.
Sadly, your thoughts of letting it go are pure fantasy. You didn’t trust him when you broke into his private messages and you sure as fuck won’t trust him now that you have proof he’s a cheater… and what you feel right now isn’t going to go away. You can push it down for month but the first time you get into a fight, you will use it as a weapon, and then the shit will hit the fan.
You need to sit down and talk. You will have to take your lumps for destroying his privacy. He will have to take his lumps for destroying your trust even more. You will have to talk about how you both fucked up, and you will both have to use the kind of honesty that either fixes or destroys a relationship.
Neither of you will walk away unchanged.
But, if you address it soon, and you both admit how bad you fucked up (don’t blame a goddamn dream!) and how you want to put the work in to fix it… you have a chance. This may even require some couples counseling and both of you should be open to the idea.
The last thing you want is to raise your kid in an environment where trust doesn’t exist.
Did he do something very, very wrong while you were at your most vulnerable? Yes.
You’re not rocking the boat. He is. You’re not at fault. He is.
Bring this up or let it eat at you.
Here’s the problem.
It’s so easy these days to jump online and flirt.
He may have had a horny moment and spanked it, to some random woman he met online.
I guess you could be thankful he’s not going to strip clubs, because there was a time when that was the only option for a guy who wants to look at other women.
The saving grace is that he’s not doing it regularly, to the best of your knowledge.
If I were you, I’d let it go – he had a moment and it passed.
If you call him on it, he will get better at hiding his online activities.
Alternatively, call him on it and be honest how it made you feel. And that if he does it again, or ever cheats on you, you’ll divorce him, take 1/2 his networth and cut his willy wonka off. You’ll feed that to the seagulls.
I’m a man. I sat on the sofa in my sitting room crying with happy emotions, literally tears streaming down my face, with my wife and our firstborn upstairs in bed. This is a super emotional time for you and you are in no way well conditioned to make good decisions. Defer until your emotions have stabilized. I’m not going to the “women who have given birth are emotional wrecks” meme. I was emotional myself and in no way capable of being sensible about anything other than the care for our baby. And I’m a man, go figure!
Don’t do nothing RN.
Take care of you, of your kid and keep your eyes open.
What you find is a big deal, but he will say he is sorry and that is not a big deal, and happened a long time ago.
Keep him trusting that you don’t know nothing so you can see if there’s any change.
When you get back on you feet and that baby is more stable, them you face him with what you know.
Good luck
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This is pretty common, but it may be time for couples counseling if you’re interested in salvaging the relationship.
Stay put. Keep an eye on things. Your priority is your baby right now and any sleep that you can get. Put him more on daddy duty.
It’s hard to face all that and u have just gave birth… I lost my words
It’s somehow funny especially woman can’t separate dreams from reality. My ex was upset because she dreamed a kissed another girl and couldn’t understand I have nothing to do with this dream.
But on this post: I‘d confront him.
You went looking for something. Found what your looking for and your undecided on what to do? Make it make sense please.
Let it go. Life is hard enough without going looking for trouble. Keep an eye on him, yes, but leave it be. I suspect he was under a lot of stress, too, during your pregnancy and this was his way of letting off steam and that he saw as harmless.
If you don’t say something it will eat you up inside. Have a conversation and see what he says, but I understand your devestation.
I’d worry about your baby for now, but if he tries to get lovey dovey with you, keep it short, if he asks why you’re being this way just ask him if there’s any reason why’d you be mad at him, and just keep it short. Ugh if that happened to me I’d be a wreck OP, sorry 😔
Don’t say or do anything till your emotions are more together, till you’ve gathered more evidence if necessary (in case of gaslighting etc), and till you have some supportive ducks in a row.
I am so so sorry. I had a similar situation and I am still in shock my husband was capable of doing something like this when I was 2 days away from giving birth. I can’t believe it😭
The fact that you are worried about flirting makes me wonder if you’re ready for children. My wife and I flirt with people all the time. It’s normal, and we trust one another not to bang anyone else. If you don’t trust him to not do that your relationship, and yourself, may need aot of work.
Be honest. You had a dream, you had suspicions, you went through the phone. Agree with him when he says you violated his personal space but then acknowledged how this weighed on you and clearly your gut was right. Ask him to please have an open and honest conversation as to where his head was at and if he is still there or what lead to him seeking another out.
It’s definitely a red flag, but before you throw a grenade into your relationship, take a breath. Remember that there were 2 violations of trust here, because you went through his phone.
Whether you believe that was justified or not is rationalizing, and ultimately irrelevant. If you pick this fight, you’re going to be starting from the position of trying to explain that you went through his phone because you dreamed he was cheating on you. You also don’t have nearly enough evidence to credibly accuse him of anything other than being a dirtbag on the internet. This won’t go the way you think it will.
This is just my opinion…
When you are worried and then search for evidence your self prophecy comes true. You can take almost every adult and they will have a secret they hope no one questions.
I definitely am not saying you should have never looked through his social accounts.
But I am sorry to say, cheaters will cheat.
And finding evidence usually means he is
hiding the bulk of what he has done.
I hope all this is NOT happening.
Have your conversation after you are healed from giving birth. When your hormones are level again.
I wish the best of luck to you. Hugs
You won’t get any rest until you have got it out.
((HUGS)) For now, you need to heal from birth.
Rest and heal and then decide what you want to do with this info. Make any plans, but don’t tell him what you saw.
Get help for your mental health. If you feel the need to go through someone’s private communications then your relationship needs to end.
This isn’t just you being sensitive after giving birth OP. Your feelings are completely valid. I’m sorry he did that to you. I think you should confront him since it’ll obviously eat you up if you don’t say anything.
Oh goodness I am so sorry, I just had a baby this year and I was so emotional the first couple months I can’t imagine dealing with that.
Second, I’m so mad at your fiancé on your behalf. Women put their bodies through so much for a shared goal, to be disrespected during that vulnerable time is so selfish of him.
On to the advice – this is not the healthiest route, but it’s what I’d do to get away with snooping. I’d bring up the dreams to my husband, say something like “these pregnancy and postpartum hormones are really messing with my head. I keep having dreams you’re cheating on me, when I wake up I know they’re wrong but it’s really messing with my head. Would you mind if I looked through your phone just to ease my subconscious? It’s like checking to make sure the baby is still breathing, I know they are but my eyes have to see it so I can relax.”
Based on how he responds you get more info, does he say no or avoid it? Then you have a crack to push. Does he say yes? Maybe he forgot he did it and didn’t see it as a big deal, or maybe he’s hoping you won’t go that deep, either way then you have an in to “stumble” upon it.
Yeah, I’d definitely have a talk at least. It isn’t you who is rocking this boat. He did when he decided to message that person. A talk is warranted.
I seem to be in the minority in thinking you might be overreacting. You want to confront him about a 4 month old message from FB. The only one you found, I’m assuming since you didn’t mention any other.
I get that the comment was off-color, inappropriate for a guy in a committed relationship, but I think it’s a stretch to equate that to cheating. Just my two cents.
I don’t care for what others say. It is my belief that if you find out a partner has betrayed you by snooping on their devices, their betrayal overrides that snooping. And yes, this is a betrayal in case you are trying to trick yourself into believing it’s not.
Being in a relationship doesn’t make you blind to other people’s attractiveness, but he knows better that this is unacceptable behavior.
Calling a woman thick is flirtatious? 🤔 need more context, not enough information to make a good assessment of the situation and what could be done. Postpartum might have you exaggerating everything, that’s why more context is needed. Don’t take hot headed decisions. Most people in this comment section are giving you extremely immature outputs
>My fiancé was very supportive and cared for me throughout my pregnancy.
Then you have a dream and it prompted a feeling of distrust? It’s almost like you wanted to find something on his phone. Don’t go searching unless you’re looking for disappointment.
Also, what’s the “etc”?
Confront him and tell him you aren’t ok with it and if there is anything else you should know – now is the time because anything after today will end the relationship
This happens all the time. I’m not sure if humans were biologically made for monogamy.
It’s mainly because one person ends up getting boring. The excitement is gone, the sex sucks, no more dates or romance.
Now that you have a kid, do you even have a babysitter to watch that child so you 2 can go spend time going on dates? If not and the sex is non existent, someones going to stray.
Instead of confronting him about that, watch his actions. Make an effort to actually have romance, spend time, go on a date, have fun with one another, try something new with sex.
If he makes an excuse, it’s likely he’s already tired of you and there doesn’t even need to confront him about the message that wasn’t that conclusive.
You should just accept that you’ll eventually one day in the future divorce or accept that he needs to bang another woman
I would approach the conversation by first asking him if he would be okay with you sending sexually charged messages to men you find attractive. What about going on dates? Is he okay with you having a sexual relationship with another man? How would he feel if your relationship ended and you had other men around his child?
He will most likely not agree to this in which case you can ask him to come clean about anything he has done that fall into any of these categories. Maybe he confesses to nothing, maybe just the messages, or maybe you find out more than what you have already discovered. Gauge his response and eventually tell him you have evidence of him acting like a single man and your relationship might be salvagable if he comes clean now.
You aren’t going to be able to forget about this until it is discussed. Where you go from that point is up to you. But definitely don’t show all your cards at once ! I’m sorry you have to deal with this.