My girlfriend of over a year now and I have something of an unorthodox relationship. We both come from a history of trauma/abuse and this is something that we knew about each other before we started dating as we have been friends since freshman year of high school. Truthfully, she was the first person I ever felt comfortable opening up to about my history and she has been my absolute rock in all of the time I’ve known her. I could not ask for a better girlfriend. She is an absolute angel. Due to this past trauma, neither of us are very sexual people at all. When we first started dating, we made sure to go over ground rules for what each of us are okay with and ultimately decided that anything sexual was off the table.
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I couldn’t be happier about this, honestly. I was always afraid that my hang-ups would forever mark me as unlovable and that even people who were interested in me would never be able to look past my disinterest in sex. Which, I unfortunately understand. I know it is a need for most people, but it simply is not for me. So finding someone very similar to me was a godsend, especially one that I love and adore with all of my heart.
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The problem came when our mutual friend and I were hanging out fishing together and he started asking me questions about our relationship. I was mostly talking about the things we were planning on doing soon as we usually go on 1-2 dates per week and mentioned that she was planning on sleeping over at my house later that week so we could binge-watch a show she’s been trying to get me into forever. He started smirking at me and asked if watching the show was all that we had planned. I said, “No, we might paint together as well,” and he got all pouty and quiet for a while.
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I thought that was the end of it, but as we were packing up our things, he kept asking more and more invasive questions like what it was like to be with a woman as a woman. I kinda assumed he was asking from the point of view of questioning either his gender or sexuality because many of my other questioning friends came to me with similar questions as I have been openly out for years. So I told him about how I learned I was bi and some of the nuances of dating the same sex. He got pouty again and told me that wasn’t what he meant. I was really confused and asked him what he meant then.
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He explained he wanted to know what it was like to be in bed with another woman as a woman. I laughed and told him I wouldn’t really know because we had never slept together. He looked at me incredulously and asked if I was serious because her and I have been together for over a year. I said yep, completely serious. He asked if we were waiting until marriage. I said nope, neither of us are religious, we just never had the desire to do so.
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He got a bit quiet and said “that barely even counts as a relationship”. I was taken aback and immediately got defensive. I tried to explain that just because a relationship like the one we have wouldn’t work for him doesn’t mean that it doesn’t work for us, but I’ve never been particularly good at articulating my feelings when I’m upset. He countered with “relationships require intimacy, that just sounds like a close friendship”. I told him that we have plenty of intimacy in our relationship and it just isn’t sexual intimacy, but I don’t think I got through to him at all.
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Our conversation was really unproductive, but the cherry on top was when he suggested that I “need to be with someone who won’t enable me” when it comes to not wanting sex. Which I took as him thinking I should be with someone who would coerce or force me out of my comfort zone. Given my history, that obviously did not go over well. I ended up leaving him alone at the creek we were fishing at and walking home by myself (normally we walk together until one of us reaches our street and say goodbye from there). It’s been about a week and I’m still hurt and confused about the entire interaction.
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I know he probably did not mean to be malicious at all and he didn’t know about my background, but I feel he completely disrespected me and my relationship even without the full context. He’s tried texting me a few times (just normal stuff like nothing happened), but I haven’t responded. I feel like I may definitely be overreacting and he just hit a really sore spot for me, but knowing that doesn’t change how I feel. When he said those things, I was instantly sent back to being a horribly scared 15 year old afraid that I was unlovable and damaged. Once I get into that mindset, it is very hard for me to crawl my way back out.
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So, I guess I’m looking for advice on how to proceed. I’ve been friends with him since freshman year of high school as well (though we were not particularly close until after graduation) and I don’t want to lose him as a friend over a misunderstanding. How can I properly articulate any of this and get him to understand me better without getting super heavy on him? Should I say anything at all? It seems like he just wants to move on with our friendship without addressing what happened, but I don’t want any resentment to build so I’d rather just nip it in the bud now.
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**TL;DR;** My friend told me what I have with my girlfriend is basically just a very deep friendship and not a real relationship because it isn’t sexual at all. I don’t know how to explain my perspective properly.
17 comments
I wouldn’t say you’re overreacting, he sounds very invasive and annoying.
I think you just need to tell him that you were extremely hurt by his comments and that he does not get to define what a relationship is or is not. It’s your life, not his, and you felt disrespected by him. Your sex life and relationship life is none of his business if he won’t respect it so you just won’t talk to him about it anymore.
Your friend was hoping you’d bless him with hot lesbian sex insider details (probably connected with the porn he watches) and instead he heard about a happy, companionate relationship with NO sex whatsoever. Boy, did you ever pop his balloon that day. But there is nothing wrong with you and your GF agreeing to be celibate lovers, and your relationship is every bit as real and sustainable as relationships that are based to some degree on mutual sexual satisfaction. Everyone is different, and you have found your person and she’s found you, and you’re very happy with each other. Isn’t that all that really matters?
I’m guessing your so-called friend harbors a deep crush on you, which makes it all the more mind-blowing for him that you can be so blissfully happy in a sexless relationship. But that’s his problem to get past, not yours. His rude comment was completely out of bounds, even if he was completely unaware of your history. If you’re not comfortable maintaining a close friendship any more – I sure wouldn’t be – then I’d recommend that you stop telling him anything more about your personal life, and completely avoid doing anything one-on-one with him in the future. I suspect his feelings for you are anything but platonic.
I’m an asexual married to another asexual. I have at least two pairs of friends who are together and do not have sex. It’s not required for every relationship, and don’t let your idiot friend tell you otherwise. Romance and friendship feel different and they can be totally detached from sexual feelings.
I’m happy you and your girlfriend found each other.
With all due respect to your friend, (which, to be clear, is none) he’s a pervert and a creep. Any time you hear questions about how hot your lesbian sex is, he is a creep. I know it can be hard to believe/understand, especially since you clearly don’t want this to be the case, but guys like that don’t befriend women because they see them as friends.
This guy sees you as a sexual object, which is why no amount of arguing or explaining your perspective could change his degrading attitude. He doesn’t see you as a person with agency. You’re the target of his fetishization. You are a fantasy, or a porn star, or a sex starved closet-hetero who just needs the magical powers of dick to awaken the beast within. And make no mistake, none of these things mean he cares about you.
I know it sucks, but this is a fact of life for women, particularly women who date other women. This is the first step on a path that will only make him more disrespectful over time. Just so you are aware, btw, the “person who won’t enable you” that he’s referring to is most likely him. This means that he most likely will double down on his behavior regardless of how much he may traumatize you.
My advice is to thank the universe for this giant red flag and cut him off completely. If you feel bad about it, just remember that he could have taken all this time to apologize for being so inappropriate and intrusive – but he hasn’t, and it’s because he truly doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about you, about being respectful towards you, or about taking accountability when he very clearly crossed a line.
Don’t waste your time hoping to recover the friendship that probably never existed in his mind in the first place. His friendship is not worth being retraumatized over. His friendship is not worth being revictimized over. You have the warning sign. Protect yourself first.
This guy was completely out of line. First of all, as long as the individuals involved in a relationship are happy, it’s no one else’s business what the relationship looks like. The only opinions you need to worry about are yours and your partners’. Whether or not you have sex doesn’t have any bearing whatsoever on how “legitimate” your relationship is. So please stop worrying about what jackasses like this think about your relationship. It doesn’t matter.
I guarantee you that this “friend” of yours wouldn’t have asked you any nosy questions at all if you were dating a guy. This is unfortunately quite common. He was digging for sexy details about lesbian sex and he was disappointed that he didn’t find any. It’s absolutely disgusting. Trust me — he *did* mean those disrespectful questions maliciously and this *was not* a misunderstanding. I’m sorry your “friend” turned out to not be a good friend at all. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here and any awkwardness is 100% on him.
If you really don’t want to end the friendship over this, then I’d say just ignore this and pretend it never happened. Don’t waste your breath trying to prove yourself and the legitimacy of your relationship to someone who is only interested in getting turned on by thinking about girls having sex. But the *second* he starts another round of invasive, invalidating questions about your sex life, you should ditch him.
I know other people have said this but I wanted to put it in my own words.
Your friend was being a disrespectful perv, no other way to explain that behavior. He was hoping to get details about lesbian sex, and his porn addicted brain can’t comprehend that not everyone is horny all the time…
Him arguing that there has to be sex for it to “count” is nothing but a reflection of how he himself views a relationship. He can’t fathom loving someone if sex isn’t involved, so he isn’t able to believe you or take you seriously. An asexual perspective can be very confusing to people that really value sex, but what he said in response was horrible and creepy. Especially the comment that you shouldn’t date someone who “enables” you to not have sex.
He sounds like the kinda guy to come onto you and try to say you “just haven’t had good sex yet.” He is absolutely being disrespectful towards you and your relationship with your girlfriend, you should talk with him about how uncomfortable his comments made you. If he can’t accept he was in the wrong and apologize, he shouldn’t be your friend anymore.
I don’t agree with others here. I think in no way it portrays him as a creep of any kind. It just that it’s weird for him, a weird concept that he does not understand, and it’s fine. It comes down to your boundaries, that’s it. It’s normal that sone people have a hard time accepting and understanding stuff that out of their world view. You should just make it claer that this is how you want your RS to be, that your are comfortable and your partner is to and you don’t need any guidance about it, it’s not his business. So i would advise you just to clear this up with him. It’s problematic if he keeps insisting that you are wrong, but the initial reaction from him, if a closeminded and a bit offensive, is nothing more than a bit heavyhanded way of him reacting to something out of his world view. Don’t take it personally for now, it’s not that big of a deal imo. Just make sure he knows that his behaviour is a uncomfortable for you and you don’t like to Continue this discussion.
I don’t think this is a relationship worth preserving, because he just wants to hear all about your sex life so he can get off to it. He’s a creep! You’re thinking “oh we’ve been friends for so long,” but creeps who cross your boundaries and make you feel bad made shitty friends. I’d drop him.
If you want to give him another chance, I would text him that asking so many probing questions about your sex life was inappropriate, and that his judgment was completely out of line. I would tell him that you need an apology and for him to commit to not prying into your personal life like that going forward.
Your friend is just a creep who thinks women having sex with women is hot and wanted you to relay stories to him that he could use to jerk off later. Unfortunately – speaking as a fellow bi woman – this is really common.
What he said was stupid & thoughtless. I’m thinking he may have feelings for you & is acting like a baby about it. He owes you an apology. He isn’t wrong that most intimate romantic relationships include sexual intimacy. Doesn’t mean you can’t have whatever relationship you want as long as you have a like-minded partner. You’re young so I’m sure your idea of a relationship will evolve over time. I hope you are seeing therapist long-term. Sounds like you will need a lot of time to work thru your trauma. But don’t let ppl like your friend push you into something that doesn’t feel comfortable to you just because it’s not how most relationships work.
Jesus Christ this guy is a creep
He was fetishsizing you and your gf and got mad when he didn’t get any details to jack off to. Stop talking to him and tell him to go fuck himself
I know you’re looking for advice, but I want to validate. Both your relationship and how you’ve articulated yourself here. Your friend not understanding (and like others have said here, being kind of creepy) is not a reflection of your own validity or communication. (Edit: typo)
Sex does not always mean intimacy. You can have intimacy with sex and you can have intimacy without sex. The relationship makes you and GF happy and works for the two of you, ignore your “friend”.
There are plenty of men who don’t think that lesbians can have sex (how do you have sex without a penis???), that love between two women isn’t real or valid, and that lesbians just need to meet the right man. It’s misogyny and homophobia. TBH this sounds like an offshoot of that – no one says that a relationship between a man and a woman “doesn’t count” if they aren’t having sex, and there are plenty of heterosexual couples who are not sexually active.
It is malicious. It’s also rude, invasive, creepy, perverted, voyeuristic, homophobic, and misogynistic. That entire line of questions was completely inappropriate.
>He started smirking at me and asked if watching the show was all that we had planned. I said, “No, we might paint together as well,” and he got all pouty and quiet for a while.
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>He got pouty again and told me that wasn’t what he meant.
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Not to attack you, but I’m curious what you thought when he got pouty because you didn’t tell him about you having sex with your partner. I’m asking because you said that you don’t suspect people of bad intentions until proven otherwise.
But here – he got *annoyed* because you wouldn’t share intimate details with him. Didn’t it give you pause? That he though he is entitled to an answer?
Regardless of his intentions, what right does he have to expect you to share something like this, and get pouty when you don’t?
Assuming good intentions is ok, but only as long as it doesn’t make you into someone who cannot defend their boundaries. It takes time to learn it but it’s necessary to detect and avoid creeps in the future.
> I don’t know how to explain my perspective properly.
Don’t.
That’s it. Just stop trying to justify what you’re doing to people. There’s no point in it and nothing to gain.