I’m a woman in my early thirties, I’m not the best looking, but I’m not bad either. Most of my friends when I go to group classes or at college were women. The problem is these aren’t close relationships even though I loved spending time with them. It just never got to the point where I felt like they were friends I’d have for life or that I could relax around. And over time, the thing is, unless I’m in the same place and see them often enough, these women don’t ever reply my messages and the friendship fades away.
I just realised that all my (current) friends are men, and they are the only ones that reply when I reach out. And that most of these men have had feelings or some sort of romantic interest in me. I only noticed it recently when I saw that it was a pattern with a bunch of different men. They’ve also used me as a stand in for when they’ve been single. I’ve never been able to rely on them when I needed a friend, and they disappear on me if they have a crush or if their life is working out fine. My relationships with these men always seem to be friendships, but they are intense and I hear from them for hours a day for a few months and then silence and/or coldness for ages. And they usually reach out again and it’s that same intensity (like they ask to talk to me on the phone almost everyday, or want to FaceTime randomly throughout the day). The conversations also quickly veer into romantic stuff (like teasing me or asking about my love life in detail). I always thought it was them being friendly and showing genuine interest in me, but I wonder whether I am unable to read subtle cues.
I’m curious why this is happening and what I’m doing wrong that I struggle with maintaining healthy relationships that work both ways? I feel incredibly lonely and just want some real friends.
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true friendships are rare and when it comes to women and men being “friends” it’s almost impossible unless you’re both not sexually attracted to one another. people always want something out of a deal, remember that.
I’m struggling with this exact same thing. it’s incredibly isolating to have friends with a catch, sometimes it feels impossible to have just a genuine friendship with men. it probably has little to do with you or anything you’re doing. though i don’t have the solution, i definitely understand ♡
You sound really naive.
Friendship is almost always about what the other person gets out of it, which is one of many reasons why I don’t have friends. It’s normal for guys to not truly be interested in women as friends but to have underlying motives and urges. You can’t make and keep women friends, similarly, because, apparently, you don’t provide for women what they’re looking for. I have always found that women are mostly looking for someone to listen to them complain/vent and talk about themselves and/or to entertain them.
In neither of these cases do these “friends” care all that much about you. It’s extremely rare to find someone who wants to be a real friend, and that’s true for the majority of people. This is not about your doing anything wrong, and at your age it’s very unlikely you’re going to find any good, long-lasting friends (I’m in my 40s and have noticed people mostly stop caring about friendships some time in their 30s because they’re usually married and/or have kids and are busy with their careers).
what can u expect after getting all the boys. They are jealous of you.
Hi girl im in the same place. I only have one real friend and he’s a gay guy. Even though he’s gay, most of his friends are all guys and something we’ve talked about is that guy’s are more willing to genuinely have friends because all they do is appreciate each other’s company. The other redditor is spot on that most women only want friends for their own selfish reasons.
I’m only 25 but ive learned the hard way that i too can’t give other women what they want in a friendship (give only superficial meaning to their lives). I dont really have an answer for you, but i also am in the same boat i have no girl friends :/
Men are willing to put more effort because most of them are interested in women, even if they wouldn’t date you right now. Women are more willing to put effort into their male friendships as well for the same reason. It just kind of happens, so to have a same sex group of friends you need to get a little lucky
Could it be that you meet other women in contexts where your interests don’t overlap? What I’m getting at: maybe you are not looking in the right places for people you want and can be friends with. I found more female friends once I had figured out that crocheting and reading are things I can bond over with people. Before that most of my close friends were dudes from university or work.
To your male friends: they sound exhausting and not like people I’d like to have around. I wish you better things!
Those men aren’t your real friends, because real friends are a support network.
Some of your issue is honestly just age and luck. Most people form situational friendships with people in the same place (so. School or work) because most friendships form within a shared context. That’s actually how we humans are designed as social creatures (tribe/village) – to form bonds in a shared local context for mutual benefit and survival.
99.99% of our history as a species has been spent in small social groups that we never left. As a physically weak species our survival depended on group / cooperative and collaborative effort. Support networks, villages helping to raise the young, etc.
If you find it difficult to form or maintain social bonds in the absence of a shared context like work or school or neighborhood, you are not alone by any means and there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just a human, but one who unfortunately seems to be missing contexts to form bonds.
Sometimes people get lucky and form mutual support bonds with others that survive the loss of shared context. I have 5 lifelong friends: 2 are siblings who grew up next to me and our parents were friends, and the other 3 are all women I befriended in elementary and middle school. But even these bonds have faded significantly over the years and years of not sharing a context. The family friends I see on holidays and major life events and the female friends mostly are just via text, I physically see them rarely and usually not all together.
I’ve often formed friendships at work but once someone leaves the job the friendship will fade.
I don’t know what you are or are not doing but I can tell you that making a bond requires a shared context and keeping it once the context is no more requires effort and patience on both sides. It’s work to keep friends tbh. And it’s a 2-way street and most people get so caught up in their own day to day that they don’t make that effort and instead invest in the bonds within the contexts they share (new work friends or significant others) because it’s a) easier – the people are literally right in front of their face and b) more likely to directly benefit them.
So I guess my advice would be to perhaps look to expand your contexts? Take a class? Say yes to opportunities even if you don’t really feel like it. And don’t take it personally when people ebb and flow in and out of your life. But have boundaries too. If you’re only giving and not getting, like with those guys, that’s not a great deal for you. But maybe you are getting something out of those connections so I’m not finger wagging you telling you to drop them. Just to value yourself
Most people will not associate with you unless they can get something from you.
It’s a sad but true fact.
As a woman, I find that I don’t like to invest time into people I can’t see frequently. I’ll text people who are available to hang out at least a couple times a month but I won’t want to put that effort into chatting with people who aren’t available unless I’ve known them for a long time or am really close. But I’ve noticed that men will have long term online friendships with people they’ve never met or never intend to meet or see. So maybe that’s why you’re having luck with men and nor women.
I have a similar problem and it’s pretty much been that way my whole life. Also early 30s F. Sometimes I question why don’t people like me? Other times I feel like I’ve figured it out.
Since elementary school, I’ve cycled through “best (girl) friends” and girl friend groups. The friendships last between 2-4 years and fizzle out. Whether it be a falling out or just a slow fade/slowly drift apart. After reflecting on this for several years, here are my thoughts on some of the reasons this happens both in general and specifically within my own life:
1. Myself. I struggle and have struggled with mental health issues my whole life, that went undiagnosed and untreated until college. I was always a little different, quirky and loud/hyper. I had terrible mood swings and lashed out when I could not regulate emotions. Specifically as a kid. As I got older, lashing out turned more into lengthy arguments or not directly getting upset at the person, but erratic behavior that impacted them somehow. I had some toxic traits that I am willing to admit and reflect on. I believe if I had received treatment for my mental health as a kid and it would have made my approach to relationships and interpersonal issues easier, both then and now.
2. Others. Because I was quirky as a kid, I was bullied. I didn’t have tons of friends. Often times the friends I did have weren’t very nice to me bc of my quirks, or they were nice but felt more like they pitied me (or themselves and needed the feel more secure). It didn’t feel all that genuine. The number of times I came home crying or got in trouble and lashed out bc of problems as a result of how others treated me was too many to count. There are a few instances that stuck with me and I remember to this day. Thinking about them still makes me cry.
3. Convenience. Every friendship or friend group has a unique dynamic and each person plays a role. Probably most relationships with people do not have a 50/50 reciprocal connection. One person almost always likes the other person more, or makes more of an effort or cares more about maintaining the relationship. Friend groups usually have a dynamic where there are 1-2 people who everyone loves. Whether it’s their personality, appearance, how they are perceived, etc. If they want to do something, everyone is in. If they don’t, usually people suddenly become less interested. There’s the middle of the pack.. people who are always there, always invited, if you invite them they’ll usually say yes.. but it’s only a big deal to everyone if these people miss birthdays, weddings, etc. then theres people like you and me. Last to get an invite or invited only in certain circumstances, least missed when we aren’t there or possibly even celebrated when we aren’t there, probably get talked about when we aren’t there, etc. Also when we initiate a convo or gathering, they are less likely to respond or respond in the way we hope. Maybe it’s the group of people or individual people that aren’t right for us.
4. Growth. Maybe they or your have outgrown the friendship. No problem with each other.. just different places in your lives.
5. Like others mentioned, the relationship isn’t genuine. They only need you/friends when convenient or when it fits their mood. Maybe they go through phases and only need you in certain phases of their life to fill a gap at that time. Maybe they need/want something you offer but its only during a certain time.. they don’t want to be your friend for you. They want whatever it is you can give them in that moment. You’re the “last resort” friend when they dont want to be alone or the person that they use for only a certain reason.
6. Just not compatible. I think some people are compatible with nearly everyone. Some have to work harder to find compatibility. Whether its your/their personality/presentation or its common interests.
7. People are just busy and you might be overthinking. Sometimes people value you as much as you value them but a commitment as a friend means something different- you might hold higher expectations than them, you might have more to give or more room for them. That doesn’t mean they like you less, it just means their priorities aren’t the same or their view of what a friendship looks like is different.
8. Making friends as an adult is just more difficult.
Bottom line… people who never show up when you ask them to, especially if it’s important, are not your friend. If they only come into your life for a specific reason or randomly and seem to want something or care about one thing they aren’t your friend.
I don’t really have great solutions to these problems because I struggle with them too. But i think identifying the problems can help you find the right solution for your situation. And its important to reflect on yourself. It may very well be mostly the other people, but usually its a two way road. Be honest with yourself… what can you do differently to make the right friends and keep them?
I’m still working on that part. Maybe therapy could help.
Are you on the spectrum? Studies have shown autistic people tend to have much more exaggerated steotypically “masculine” traits, which is why a lot of autistic women tend to report feeling more comfortable around men
My wife is exactly the same. She simply hates women. The truth is , she hates any other thoughts besides her own.
The same way you are looking for help here is the way you should be trying to meet new females to chill with. Whatever you are I terested in you can get online and search groups that have the same interests as you to get make gal pals with the same likings.
I’m struggling with the opposite actually. Most of my friends are women and I’m a dude.
I want to have male friends but It’s like I can’t open up as well. So I just make more girl friends instead
just a heads up the men that are your friend are mostly guys who friend zoned themselves or you did but either way they wanna have sex with you if they ever have a chance.
If you’re not able to “relax around” women—and etc—you’re keeping them at a distance, which shows disinterest. Best solution is to be able to be relaxed and confident enough in yourself that you can lead the relationship a little more. Worth exploring why u feel that way—but we all have our reasons 🙂
Women, I think, tend to be more conscious of what the other person is feeling and what the collective feeling of the group (2+) is. If you’re not supportive, vulnerable, funny, intelligent, share interests, show some interest in her life, etc (or some superficial qualities), what kind of a friendship is it?
A long-time friend of mine is similar. Honestly, despite knowing her for 10 years it’s become less and less desirable to spend time with her—when I can connect better with someone I’ve just met!
In terms of the short-term, intense “friendships”…I’ve had these w other queer women and, if they can’t give you the dignity of honesty & commitment, not worth them jerking your feelings around 😤.
Seems like you’re doing fine, but just used to playing by the rules of the wrong people. Some nicer people out there looking for nice people as well 🙂
ehh ppl seem kinda shallow these days
Honestly this was me until I started working at a place that is very woman-dominated and I’m good friends with most of them now. I think you just have to surround yourself with more women as much as you can and it works? Idk, thats my experience.
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You sound very naive. Maybe you’re not actually a fun person and the only friends you can make are guys who want to date you. Maybe work on yourself ? Lots of women have no personality and get by on looks.
For starters, you ruined everything you stupid bitch.
I can’t really comment on the making friends with women part but can maybe help if you want genuine friendships with men. It is possible as a woman but you need to vet, and set very clear expectations.
It sounds like these friendships are all intense for short periods and 1 to 1, which is leading them to treat you like a surrogate girlfriend. Genuine friends start casual, and you only start sharing personal stuff or being in contact a lot after a long time and you both trust each other. Try to enforce this in these friendships, which might involve just backing off for a while in the early stages. It’s ok to leave someone on read for a day or two.
You can also try to convert these 1 to 1s to a group friendship, which is a much more natural pattern for guys, has more chance of lasting, plus as a bonus will put off the guys using you as a surrogate girlfriend.
Finally if they’re flirting a lot with you, teasing you, asking in detail about your love life, just back away. Some guys can be friends with women they’re attracted to, some cannot and the odds are they are the latter.
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I’m really sorry to break it to you but these guys that are your friends likely see you as a potential sex partner or romantic partner, not a genuine friend – they want something out of the friendship that’s more than just your company. I would try going to clubs or groups that involve your interests and hobbies. This is a good way to make both male and female friends who actually like you for common interests, not just because you’re pretty.
Would you consider yourself as an easy lay? That could keep the women away and men coming.
Are you Neurospicy by any chance? This is pretty common for Neurodivergent women
I’m the same and I don’t care, I had bad experiences when I was kid and had female friends, they would often turn on you randomly, leave you out, be bitchy, I never had those issues with boys. Most of my friends were boys growing up and one female bestie, but she was a tomboy like me.
Have you tried out any hobbies where you could potentially meet and get to know women?
Those are hyenas. Man would have some dignity.
I’m in the same boat and maybe that makes me biased against some of the comments here. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat more and share some thoughts and experiences.
Im having the opposite problem, I’m a guy who has no guy friends and only women friends:( I don’t like my friends in a romantic way so that helps but damn it’s hard making guy friends
What are your hobbies? Where are you meeting these male friends? I ask because my hobbies are all male dominant (race cars on real tracks, car enthusiast, gamer) and I also work in IT. It makes sense that most of my friends are male. I have made 2 good female friends in the last 1-2 years through tennis! I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.
Honestly I would look into seeing if you relate to autistic symptoms, I don’t know how likely it is but this is the reason I and many other autistic women tend to befriend men better. No harm in looking into it if you feel it.
You will notice people’s effort in wanting to talk or hangout with you and it’s even more noticeable when they stop doing certain things they once did. People usually like attention and some like to give it or both. It’s nice to be recognized when they notice your effort. Some would be happy with some of that effort they exert to be returned and what I mean by that is taking the initiative first. When you invest time into someone would you like to see that investment at least returned with what you put into it Just because you interact with them doesn’t mean they feel appreciated that you were talking to them when it’s no different from the next person. Sometimes there are restrictions or are very limited to as of having these interactions and then there are people’s insecurities that are in play. Some will hold back putting effort not to come across as needy when they don’t feel like your making little or no effort to reach out to them by matching that same amount of effort they feel that you’re putting into them. This is seen as passive aggressive and they’re trying to tell you that this is how they felt by trying to get you to notice when receiving that same effort and again it’s easier to notice when someone pulls away or their habits change. However on the romantic side of things these can double as feelings are involved when compared to normal friendships. Make romantic interests your top priority especially starting out while dumbing down on others you only see as friends. Everyone wants to feel wanted and it’s easy to make someone feel unwanted and stop interacting all together when their feelings are involved.
Most of these men consciously or unconsciously find you attractive which is why you get attention from them. If you are having trouble with women that means you have issues with social skills you need to work on. Maybe you have trouble with neediness.
I have this problem. The friends that I keep in touch with more frequently are guys, but some Of the best friendships I’ve had were with women (like coworkers or people I went to school with) but it fizzles out once we’re not in that environment and don’t see each other often anymore. I would consider myself more of a Tom boy, and find it harder to relate to girls and their interest…. But I can never connect the same way with guys and it’s probably cuz I feel like they always have an ulterior motive
I have many of the same issues. It’s interesting because I just started therapy for the first time and the therapist point blank said that I have autistic traits. So maybe that’s a thing to explore, but I don’t know why there would be a difference in gendered friendships. I often wondered if I am more masculine in my demeanour and interests. I just don’t get why I can’t relate to women as well to men. I have tried and find myself rejected constantly, and it discourages me from trying again so I just hang out with the dads at school pick up without issue. My husband says that I am actually a nerd and that I need to seek out women who are also nerds and then I’ll be A OK. Who knows and at this point in life, I’m starting not to care as much and just be happy with the friends I have. Good luck figuring this out OP, I wish you the best.
This isn’t really answering your question, but some places I’ve met friends over the years are listed below:
Church small groups
Library events
Apartment complex events
Classes at the gym
Swimming pool
Golfing
A bar that has billiards/pool tables
Outdoor concerts
At work
I will say that making friends isn’t the same in adulthood as it is in childhood and during teen years, from my experience. It’s also harder to hang out when people have spouses and kids and tons of things going on.
Some dating app has a friends section – maybe Bumble? – where you can try to find friends. Maybe Facebook would have a “meet friends in your area” group.
Good luck!