I am in my late 30s, and I recently met a guy in his early 40s. We first met about 3 months ago, and have met 8 times (we have both been traveling a fair bit during this time, him more than me). I’m interested in getting to know him better, but there has not been enough continuity in our interactions to build on that.
Things have generally been slow moving. On our third date (a Friday), I suggested that we grab drinks after dinner and he declined because he was tired. However, we made plans to meet again that weekend and spent the whole day together. Since then, there have been long gaps between dates and almost no communication in between – just a daily text or two at the most. For a majority of our dates, he has either arrived late, or rescheduled to a later time. On our last date, things got physical. I mentioned post-sex that if we continue to see each other, I would like more communication in between dates. He took full responsibility for it and agreed to pay more attention. Then he canceled the next date we had scheduled because he had a lot to do before his vacation. Then he went on vacation. Upon his return, he canceled another date (even though he had picked the time and place) because he was tired. And while the texting in between has gotten marginally better, I wouldn’t say we’ve been in touch.
He is a tech entrepreneur and is extremely busy. He has communicated that he wants to make time for his personal life but work does not let him. From some of the things we have discussed, I suspect there’s a minor mental health issue that has him fatigued all the time. Still, 3 months of knowing this guy and we still don’t know where we stand. Is this a waste of time?
40 comments
“If they’re not calling you, it’s because you are not on their mind. If they create expectations for you, and then don’t follow through on little things, they will do the same for big things. Be aware they’re okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If they’re choosing not to make an effort that would put you at ease, and bring harmony, then they don’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “jerk.” “Jerk” is another word for the person you’re chasing. You deserve to be important, chosen, to love and be loved in return”
Believe what they do, not what they say, esp. in early dating. A lot of us have internal stories about ourselves we project (“I want to focus on personal life!” as he says) but reality is sometimes different.
If you ask me on a date what my goals are, I want to write fiction… and I hope to get to it soon…! But I haven’t written a single thing in probably 9 months.
He’s showing up to the extent he’s capable, and it’s slow to get to know him because yeah… you’re meeting up at a rate of every other week. He’s in his 40s, the person showing up is probably the person that he is – rather the person that he projects himself as potentially being one day.
He’s an entrepreneur so regardless of saying he *wants* more personal time, in reality he’s *chosen* the exact job where you don’t have that.
Someone who cancels and reschedules all the time will just keep doing it. You’re not a priority for him (I bet he is on time for investor meetings!). I’d check out now and make way for someone who is capable of giving you time and energy.
Even with friends, I’ve adopted a policy of “if you cancel on me twice in a row without a very good reason, I’m not reaching out again until you organise a meet and actually follow through”.
No way I’d tolerate this in dating. Partly it’s carelessness, but even aside from that, dating apps are filled with people who are single because of their atrocious time management skills, and continuing is an “I just don’t have time for a relationship” waiting to happen.
Don’t waste your time girl.. he’s making excuses.
Anyone in tech can text and call you. This is a white collar job where they are allowed to have their phones on them all the time. Doubly so if it’s his own company. He can text you. I work in tech and I am so immediately communicative because I always have my phone on me. He can text you he’s choosing not to.
I am the type of person who cancels a lot of commitments (both romantic and otherwise) due to work and feeling exhausted. However, in this case, I would be very skeptical of this dude especially because he’s being unreliable right after having sex with you and also after you communicated that you want your communications to improve (which, in my view, includes in-person commitments, and not just texting.)
I’d say you should end things.
Look, doesn’t matter if he’s really busy, if it’s a mental health issue or if he’s not interested, what really matters here is that you don’t feel fulfilled with his comms cadence even after discussing it with him… so I my take is that yeah, it is a waste of time :S
He’s marginally interested or keeping you around as an option. Keep dating other people for sure and treat him as an option as well
Yes, this is going to continue to be a frustrating experience for you until he is better able to set boundaries with work.
Are your needs met?
If yes, then stay. If no, then go.
You already tried talking about it to no avail. You know the answer.
If you are not made a priority then don’t make him a priority.
He’s not interested – cut him off straightaway. He’s just using you along for easy sex or company on his own terms until something he seems better comes along.
You’ve been plenty patient. If you’re looking for more, this isn’t going to cut it!
I think if you do stick around, it would be important for you to evaluate why you’re so open to someone so unavailable. Maybe part of you isn’t ready for more? There’s no shame in it. I remember being single and not really ready for a relationship. Busy guys were the best at that time. They always felt guilty that they were busy so when I did see them I’d get totally spoiled. And then I’d have so much free time but still have a lil pen pal at the end of the day.
Relationships are scary! He could be a great guy “for now.”
I personally would start dating other people if I were in this situation and would keep it open ended with him because maybe his job really is keeping him busy and/or he’s struggling with his mental health as you said. If you haven’t had the exclusive talk, then focus your energy elsewhere and pull back from him so you’re less invested in the outcome with him. If you stop reaching out and create distance you will see if he cares or not. But cancelling on your dates and showing up late is very disrespectful and would have me running for the hills. I hate multi-dating but I get why it needs to be done sometimes. It makes these situations much less painful.
I know, we all do it but PLEASE take off the blinders. Men will swim across shark-infested waters to bring you a lemonade if they are genuinely interested. I say that as a man — this is how we operate. If it’s not a hell yes from a man then you are just an option. Men will never be “too tired” or “too busy” if they are truly interested.
When people show who they are this early in the dating phase, accept it and move on. Can you be with someone who doesn’t prioritise you? Because biggest of entrepreneurs & business leaders still value personal life. Either this person doesn’t value his personal life or you. And either-way, you know the answer.
I think there’s 3 things that I see as problems here: 1) You’ve been talking for 3 months and you still don’t know where you stand 2) He consistently cancels on you and 3) I think that you are more invested in this than he is.
Honestly, that’s a really tough place to be because it sounds like you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I say that’s 3 strikes. He should be ruled out. The early stage of dating is not the time for us to make excuses for the other person. I usually go with the 3 strike rule because sure, everyone has stuff going on but it doesn’t mean I have to tolerate bullshit. Also, I think there was one more thing that bothered me from the post. When he went on vacation, were you exclusive? The first thing I thought of was that he may have fooled around on his vacation. I’m sorry love, you deserve way way better! ❤️
Let me get this straight: you had sex with a man, and you haven’t seen him since? Come on now.
It’s a waste of time if you’re not having your needs met. If you were fine with his level of interaction and the canceling of dates then it would be different but it’s clear that he is failing to meet your needs.
I wouldn’t put up with this.
Is he behaving a way that lines up with what you’d want out of a relationship longterm? It doesn’t sound like it.
Plenty of people want a relationship without prioritizing finding and building a relationship. It sounds like he has other priorities right now.
When ppl really like each other they make time and effort….
In this case maybe he realized you’re not what he wants and maybe found somebody that fits what he’s looking for
Sounds like he’s just slow fading you so you can get the picture and move on since he doesn’t have the balls to just end things
He’s not that into you.
Yes you are being strung along.. Take it from a guy that works 6 or 7 days a week in a physical job. We want ass period and will make time for it even if we get no sleep for the next day… He is toying with you or may even have a full time chick or maybe a few chicks.. Bail
We make time for what is important to us.
End of story.
Make your decisions about this knowing that fact.
I would say this is not worth it, nobody is this busy (I say this a someone who has a demanding job, long hours, has to meet deadlines)…
As another redditor said, it doesn’t mateter the reason he’s acting this way (mental health issues, burn out work, intimacy ossiea (yes is an option)..), what matter is that this person doesn’t even make time to see you and from what I understand you want someone who is present.
Edit: edite just to say that I’ve met this type of man before, and in my case it turned out he had big intimacy issues. Some people do use work and their carreer to avoid the intimacy that comes with dating and spending time together. So the work thing, entrepreneur thing etc… might consume his time but if it does to an extent that he’s not able/willing to show up in a relationship.. maybe it’s because he’s confortable like that.
Yes, a waste of time. If someone wants to do something/see someone, they will absolutely find a way to do that.
Don’t do what I do and wait ages for someone to finally decide “oh, not with YOU” after way longer than needed.
Its the same with men and women, actions speak louder than words. Never changes.
The way I look at it is this:
Don’t ever settle for being less than someone’s “hell yes”
When someone repeatedly shows you that making time to see you is not their priority, you are not their hell yes.
I’ve settled for less so many times and hoped and prayed that it would get better, but it doesn’t because they will never see you how you deserve to be seen.
Don’t waste time on someone who can’t drink a cup of coffee, or nap, to spend time with you once in a while.
Adult life is now busier than it has ever been, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t prioritize those in our lives that matter.
Find someone to whom you matter.
Everyone else is a waste of time.
What I’ve learned in life is that men will move mountains to spend time with a girl they’re truly interested in. Move on, this ain’t the one.
If at this fairly early stage in your relationship he is cancelling / reschedules the dates frequently. Know that no matter what are his reasons, you may be in for a disappointment later.
He’s just keeping you around as an option when he’s got nothing else going on. It’s much easier to just keep postponing things and apologizing if you are accepting that. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actually just busy with other girls.
The fact you are asking clearly shows you know the answer. Base line is this…”are you happy?”
Someone said below something similar and I’d like to add to that that anyone is willing to stay past up their “bedtime” to be with someone if they are truly interested and want to pursue something further. Meaning, effort is given to keep it going.
I don’t know it seems to me that it is a waste of time but I feel like you know that already.
You always make time for what you truly care about, always. He doesn’t care. Not a priority for him. I wouldn’t waste your time.
Move on or change your expectations. Start dating someone else. He’s focused on his career and you’ll come in second. Unless that works for you.
He’s unavailable. A waste of time.
Yeah a ton of people have already said this, but I used the tired excuse a bunch when dating people I was so-so about. I wasn’t lying, I was tired, and thought that was just the way I was getting older, but then met the girl I’m dating now and stayed up past 1am our first two dates. Although now we go to bed early :), in the beginning, when we were putting our best foot forward so the other person knew we were interested, we both pushed past the tired.
Honestly I am drained just reading about it. As person who dealt with this lukewarm behavior I would just say cut your losses. It’s someone out there who will be just as excited about you and schedule dates with you.
If he’s in his 40’s and is unable to make your relationship official by now, I think that means he’s just not that into you. That’s just my two cents. I’ve had younger men treat me better than this though. Good luck!