me and my bf have dated almost a year and this problem has been there all the time. he dont know what could cause that and i dont have any idea either. he knows i mean good and this problem is not only with me, he just cant accept empathy and it makes him pissed off bc he feels that someone is pitying him.
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It’s probably how you’re expressing yourself.
You can empathize without expressing it to him. Look at your actions and not at the vague idea of empathizing.
What is it that you’re saying / doing that isn’t working for him.
>this problem is not only with me, he just cant accept empathy
It’s an ego thing. It’s not you, it’s him.
Somewhere in his life he probably learned that getting help or support is equal to being weak or something.
Maybe his parents didn’t comfort him as a kid and instead told him to suck it up.
Now any time someone empathizes with him, he is subconsciously reminded of those negative associations and feels belittled.
For me something like this can happen if the person uses anything that feels like “poor baby” tone in their voice when they make affirming noises.
Could be lots of different things though. Hard to really work it out exactly without talking to the boyfriend. If asked, can he describe what kinds of empathy do or don’t work? Or does he just not want an empathetic reaction at all? (If it’s the latter especially, that’s probably a trauma thing, and there may or may not be a ton you can do except ask him how he wants to be engaged with and do whatever version of that feels OK for you)
A question I’ve been thinking about a lot recently about negative reactions to “”good”” feelings is “the last time I felt this, what did it mean?”. That might be an interesting thing to ask him about the feeling he gets when empathy is directed at him.
for me personally, when people compliment me or try to empathize with me I am reminded of all the times the people who were supposed to care for me plain and simply did not. They exploited my vulnerability and weaponized the giving and receiving of those things.
Not really sure what my actual advice is, but my partner and I have learned over the years a bit of give and take. I am trying to be more trusting of him and others and he is trying to, ironically, be MORE empathetic towards me by being LESS empathetic towards me.