So, my husband and I separated about a week ago. He moved all his things out and moved back in with his parents. His parents and I don’t get along so I’m sure they’re enjoying it.
Since moving he’ll text asking if I’m ok every day and requesting that I don’t sleep with anyone until our divorce is finalized due to mutual respect. “If I sleep someone while still married to him he’ll never look at me the same and there’s absolute no chance of us ever getting back together if I do.” I didn’t respond.
He then asked me to have dinner with him for his birthday which is tomorrow. He asked two times. I was confused on he’s intentions because he left so I asked is he trying to reconcile our marriage or talk about divorce matters? He said neither if I don’t want to. He only want to go dinner. He kinda asked me spontaneously. I’m like ok, is he playing mind games?
He’s been the one bothering me everyday since he walked out and then when I finally ask what are his intentions he says he need space/time, a few weeks to decide what he wants to do because he’s tired.
I told him that I want a divorce because I didn’t want to wait on him to decide what wants and only decide to come back when he realize the grass isn’t greener over there. It isn’t fair to me. He said I need to stop acting off emotions (which I’m not) but he isn’t stopping me or not asking me to wait up on him to decide. He said he’ll check back in a few weeks to let me know rather he wants to work on our marriage or to divorce and I can either say yes or no.
Could someone explain this behavior?
How do I cope with all this?
I have two little ones (2UNDER2)
Edit: He said he want to have open-communication. If I want to reach out to him I can and if he want to reach out to me he should be able to. This comes after our hour phone call and me telling him I would really like to not be bothered unless it’s about the kids so I can focus on moving forward and he kept saying stop acting emotionally, my mind may change next week so leave that possibility open. (Whatever that means)
He mentioned that he isn’t looking to date or talking to any other women right now. “He’s chilling.” He’s also willing to continue paying his portion of the bills.
Our relationship been rocky for awhile. As far as arguing over the housework, his family overstepping boundaries in the past and husband allowing it, things getting disrespectful between his mother and I, arguing over messes being left around. I’m a clean person and he more so messy. IMO I don’t think it was horrible to the point where he needed to move out. He did admit today he’s been wanting to move out. It wasn’t on a whim.
Could someone explain this behavior?
48 comments
> I told him that I want a divorce because I didn’t want to wait on him to decide what wants and only decide to come back when he realize the grass isn’t greener over there.
I think this is extremely reasonable, and his defensive reaction indicates that this is exactly what’s going on. He wants you to stay faithful, so if he strikes out, or if whatever he finds isn’t great after all, he can come back to his faithful wife without her “being tainted”, blithely ignoring how you may feel about *him* and all of this.
I could be wrong, of course, but everything you’ve presented positively *screams* “I’m trying to play the field but want my marriage to still be there just in case.” Imo, take this time to figure out what you want, locate financial info, speak with a divorce lawyer, etc. That way, you will have everything squared away. Don’t go dating imo – focus on protecting yourself and your kids for now.
Imo
This sounds like a really tough situation, my heart goes out to you dealing with all of these emotions while still protecting those little ones. Obviously you both have history together and there isn’t much insight on how things may have gotten to this point. I’m not sure what type of husband he has been or how the relationship was. But you seem very decisive and ready to be valued more. That is completely valid and I think you should trust your intuition. Communicate with him what it is you feel and need out of the situation, if you yourself need space, take it. Do what feels right, know your worth and remember that while things might not make sense at this very moment… just months down the line you’ll see how far you’ve come. In whatever way that may be… the possibilities are endless. I hope this helped even if it was just a little <3
Neither of you seem like you’re fighting for this to work which should be a sign. However, you have young children and it sounds like he’s also walked out on them and that is pretty immature. Good luck ✌️
Basis your post and comment history, you both nag each other a lot and have unresolved issues.
If you can’t attend marriage counselling then at least you need to work on your relationship with a calm mind.
he is weighing is options. he will come back to you and the kids when he gets miserable with his parents, or can’t get the girl/guy he’s currently trying to get.
him telling you “don’t sleep with anyone else” is manipulation.
go through with the divorce. get the co parenting apps and use only to talk to him, and block him on everything.
do NOT go to meetings with him on his birthday. don’t let him dictate another hoop for you to jump through.
he’s getting a sick pleasure of keeping you on the hook because “maybe” we can get back together.
He doesn’t want the responsibility of raising children. He just wanted kids but not actually take care of them. He locked you down with kids to control you and he is still is trying to control you outside the home. Change your locks without telling him. He gets to be babied and taken care of by his parents. You did not marry a man. You married a spoiled child. He left the home so see a lawyer. If you are close with your family you need to be near them . You need to keep the children away from his family.
This is a game.
Threatening divorce while dangling reconciliation when you talk about moving on. But what’s to stop him doing this all again in the future?
My guess, he hopes you will agree to anything to keep him. He’ll come back with unfair terms for you to agree to if you want to save the marriage.
He’s telling you to stop being emotional and stop acting like divorce is some big thing, that’s just screams narcissism to me.
Has he had any interests in the kids at all since he’s been away?
it’s a mind game, better keep your distance from him before a decision is made.
Yeah- he’s trying to keep you in a little “break in case of emergency” box while he fucks other people and looks to see if he can trade up to a model he likes better. File for divorce now- every request he as made of you is disgusting, manipulative, and shows he only cares about himself. Have his ass served with the papers on his birthday, if you can.
The popular answer is that he wants to keep you locked down in case he fails to find a new partner. But another possibility is that he wants you to be the one to press the divorce. He wants to be divorced, but if you’re the one who initializes it, he can forever say that you’re the one that left the marriage. He was still willing to fight for your marriage. You know this is a lie, but his psyche needs for this to not be his doing.
It only requires one person to end a relationship. If that’s what you want, then it’s decided.
Nothing about this post seems happy to me. You don’t seem happy why stay in relationship where your not happy? Are you staying for the kids cause trust me I know you and your husband might be hiding the fights and your problems from your kids but trust me they know. And I know you said there under 2 or around 2 but kids are very smart and they remember things. This relationship doesn’t seem like it going to work out. You said his family doesn’t like you very much and they over step there boundaries and he hasn’t defend you that a big red flag. Also you two don’t seem on same page he messy your a clean person. Like I said before you sound unhappy and your husband actions sound like he doesn’t want to be married anymore. I say go through divorce actions and you two can learn to co parent. I think that would be the best thing for you,your husband and children.
Use this time to have meetings with several of the top divorce attorneys in your area. Pick one and ask them what divorce looks like for you, re custody, child support, and alimony.
Get them to draw up a custody agreement and ask for a clause that new partners can not be introduced to the children until the parents have been officially dating them for one year. This protects the children from being introduced to random bed partners.
If you own your home, ask that you and your children remain in it until your youngest finishes college as this will offer your children stability.
Have the papers drawn up and have him served. If he wants to play silly games, he gets silly prizes. If he wants to make this marriage work, then he needs to prove his worth and start dating you again. But u til you reach the stage that you know he is 100% committed to your marriage, keep the divorce moving forward.
If it turns out he did have an affair or sleep around on the “break,” and you decide to stay with him. Have his sign a post nup with an infidelity clause to protect yourself and your children.
1. Locate husband’s butt.
2. Insert foot.
3. Profit!
Hi. Sorry this is your experience. It’s most likely he already has an alternative lady in mind or in his life and he is checking to see if the alternative is better than what he has with you. It’s like buying an unknown new device when you already have an old one, you keep the old one and try out the features of the new. You throw out the old only when the new is better but can always go back to the old if the new isn’t.
His behavior is the “eat your cake and have it syndrome” in relationships.
He’s wanting to have his cake and eat it. He wants to have his mummy look after him, you to look after his children, while he bums around having fun and doing what he likes. The fact that he’s shouting about not dating people probably says what’s on his mind.
Ditch him and take him to the cleaners.
You’re not a toy he can put down and pick up whenever he feels like it. He can’t just walk out on his family and waltz back in like nothing happened. Contact an attorney, stop taking his calls, and strictly text about the kids. Start thinking about custody, childcare, if you’ll need to sell the house and downsize. Don’t let him pull shit like this. You’re not “acting on emotion” you’re being practical. You cannot raise children with someone you don’t trust, and I would never trust this person again.
He doesn’t want you to move on, he doesn’t want you to be happy, but most of all, he does not respect you or your shared children.
This so-called man thinks he can pick up and drop people when it suits him, that is not ok it is actually quite narcissistic to play with peoples emotions like that. As well as turning this onto you claiming your being emotional.
He wants to keep in contact so you remain stuck in your current position while he also keeps tabs on you. In his mind If he has you singing and dancing to his tune, then you won’t have time for anyone else.
Look into grey rock communication, do not reply to messages unless they are regarding the children, and even then keep the answers short and to the point. Anything not child related gets ignored.
Move forward how you want and what is best for you in the long run mentally. Playing his games will exhaust you. Your children will begin to pick up all of this, best to put them first so they have stability and a happy settled home, not stuck waiting to see if daddy will come home or not.
If you’ve made up your mind to divorce him, hire a lawyer and have him served with divorce papers. You don’t need to wait on him while he waffles back and forth on what he wants to do.
OP – this behavior is easily described. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be on his own but wants to make sure he has you on the side there waiting. He wants to enjoy himself but also wants to make sure you don’t do the same.
Him saying you are acting off of emotions is ridiculous. How else are you supposed to act? This isn’t a business relationship, it’s a marriage. Of course you are going to be emotional.
I’d be pissed if I had to deal with this type of fool.
You are right, you don’t need to wait around for him. You also don’t need to make yourself available to him when he feels like “communicating.”
My advise is to contact a family attorney and start getting things rolling. Do everything you need to do to protect yourself and you interests.
If you consider this marriage over, fuck who you want. Don’t let him dictate how things go.
He does not rule over you.
He’s fucking other people. Your his emergency fund who he can run back to and lie to.
Dang it. You picked the wrong guy. Everything you typed about him tells me he is a immature asshole that thinks he has his life and emotions under control. He doesn’t. Run as fast as you can from him.
So sorry, OP. Your feelings are 100% valid. This guy has forgotten that it takes two people to be in a relationship, but only one to just break it up. I think he wants you to beg for him to come back and since he’s not getting that reaction out of you, he’s trying to force it. If you don’t want this, then you can absolutely be done. Stay calm and unemotional, set up a parenting plan through an app and be done. Or get in counseling and then decide. You can’t control what he is going to do and it will drive you nuts trying to figure it out. You can control your response to it though. Best wishes to you and your little ones.
I’m a big proponent of working things out when cheating or physical abuse isn’t involved. But don’t be held hostage to his feelings and indecision. I’m also not a fan of separation. If you can’t work through it together, how are you going to have a long term relationship? Is he going to pack up and run home to mommy every time his feelings are hurt? I’d be out.
It kind of looks like your MIL won this war. I wonder how long she has probably been talking shit behind your back? You will be better off without him. File for divorce and don’t look back.
*Could someone explain this behavior?*
He wants to see if someone better is out there, if not he wants to come home to you.
Sounds like he’s testing the waters of being single without fully committing to a divorce. He’ll try it for a few weeks, and might try sleeping with someone, before asking to work things out when he’s realizes it’s easier than dating in his 30’s when he has two kids. Basically, you’re the backup plan. He’s not doing this to save your marriage or work on improving himself, it’s about seeing what’s easier for him.
You’re more than justified in wanting him to commit to work things out or agreeing to a divorce. You need to make the decision that’s best for you and your kids because you’re your own person, not just some safety net for a husband that walked out on you.
You said it, 2 under 2. He is expected to be an adult and do his share in parenting, chores, working, and right now his life sucks. He has to adult and he is opting out. He no longer has spare time to ‘chill’. He ran home to his parents so he can be lazy and be taken care of.
He’s trying to give himself a soft landing (exit,) not you. My impression is that he really does not have your best interests at heart. I would guess he doesn’t like how well you appear to be handling the situation, so he finds something to pick at. He wants to have hand which is why he is making rules and stipulations. Get the divorce and don’t look back. Start dating if you want, it’s not his place to say what you can or cannot do. Being successful and moving on post marriage is the best revenge.
He sounds like a spoiled mommas boy and you are not as good as mommy is. He wants you to wait while “he” decides if your relationship is good or not. Take that power away from him and his family. If you want to continue in your marriage you tell him to come home today or just stay at mommies forever. If you have had enough tell him he can stop worrying about making the decision to stay or leave. You have made it for him. He can stay with mommy. Make a co-parenting plan and just be done with it
It comes across to me that all he is thinking is that you don’t get a say in this. You will not see other people while he is gone, you will not consider leaving him, you will not choose to divorce him, you will celebrate him on his birthday and clean up after him like a good wife, you will make NO decisions for your own good and if you try he will make sure you feel like you are unable to make a rational decision and that only he can. And you will go along with what he chooses to do, divorce or back together. Which I feel will be “I’m not going to divorce you (your welcome), but you need to change in xyz ways to convince me to stay.”
A marriage and a relationship is, above all, a partnership between 2 equal people. I don’t think he sees it that way. He certainly doesn’t speak to you as if he did. I’m not surprised you argue over messes, and that it’s his mother he compares you to- he has a traditional (I’m being kind with my word choice here) view of what a wife should be. I think you need to decide for yourself if that’s the kind of life you want to live.
He had someone else, I would bet money on it.
He wants a vacation from family responsibilities.
He wants you to be ready and available to take him back the minute he decides he’s done fucking around. You have no obligation to do so.
Do what you need to to expedite the divorce process and work on creating firm boundaries. In the meantime, you have no reason to communicate with him if it is not about the children. If the children are physically with you, you are not obligated to respond to his text messages or pick up his phone calls. If he has a problem with that, well that’s just too damn bad because it’s not your problem.
Highly recommend expediting the divorce proceedings. He doesn’t sound like somebody who will make your life any easier if you make his “harder”, and you should not have to bend into the whims of a selfish entitled man.
Everyone is quick to say that he is horrible and manipulative and wants to control you. And maybe thats true.
Or maybe he doesn’t know what the heck he wants.
It doesn’t really matter. It is clear that this marriage is broken. Things are currently civil, and they may not be forever. Take advantage of the fact that things are civil now, and end the marriage on decent terms. Don’t wait until you hate each other.
It’s interesting that he assumes you would be grateful basically to have him back after his “break”. If he wants better communication then I would let him know it isn’t only his decision. You are tired of him not carrying the load in regards to housework, not standing up for you, not putting his family (you and the kids) first.
I would take this time to see if life is easier and if your happier without him.
he doesnt want the responsibility. but he wants to keep you for sex. he wants to live his best life. single at home with a wife and kids at another home because he is tired. and you are not? divorce him. so you can have the weekends off
Your reactions to him are the opposite of emotional. Get a guy who says what he means
lol he’s calling YOU emotional? Literally every decision he’s made here is an emotional one.
Fuck him. Lawyer up and give him the papers. Just be the bad guy. You already know he’s going to spin it that way, don’t bother trying to defend yourself. It’s long past time to be selfish. Fuck him.
Just go ahead and serve him papers you’ve already decided he’s playing mind games probably so he can tell everyone he left you cause you were “too emotional” which you aren’t BTW
It sounds like he thinks he’s the one calling the shots. What do YOU want? Focus on that. He’s the one who walked out, spend some time with yourself deciding what is best for you and your kids.
If he wants a divorce, the marriage is already over. He doesn’t get to say you can’t sleep with anyone
It’s almost like he expects you to beg him to come back—while he goes out and fucks other women, but in the same breath, demand you don’t fuck other men or—gasp!—he will look at you differently.
Blah blah blah.
You know it’s over. Get your duckies in a row and focus on YOU. He wants attention, so no matter what you do, don’t give it to him. He doesn’t deserve that. Don’t text him unless it is something to do with the kids/bills. Don’t engage in his bullshit mind games. The man you married is gone. If he was ever there in the first place.
You are finally free if a momma’s spoiled little boy.
Call his bluff and start fucking someone immediately. It’ll drive him crazy.
Maybe he’s just trying to get a taste of what it’s like to be single again and wants to see what other kinds of messes he can make.
He wants you to beg him to come back. Call a lawyer and move on with your life.
Two kids under two and he doesn’t do any parenting or cleaning – I imagine it got rocky and he ran away to mommies who will clean up after him and he can do his thing in peace without being disturbed by toddlers. I don’t think he’s out looking for tail, I think he’s just running away. He’s on holiday and is thinking of not coming back and is just seeing if your willing to fight for him (which honestly sounds like he’s just another baby to clean up after) – I think for your kids sake, it’s good to try as everyone feels overwhelmed (I imagine you do too) – but set ground rules for what you want – to help you guys be more equal in parenting and house chores (him do dish duty and laundry if he isn’t a good “cleaner” – I know if my husband tries to pull not clean dishes, I just serve him off them as they are clean enough to put away, must be clean enough for him to eat off)
Who CARES if he changes his mind??? He moved out on YOU! He doesn’t get to decide what YOU want, YOU do. You are not acting emotionally you are acting rationally!! He wants you to hold your breath for the ALMIGHTY him!! Screw him!! Begin divorce proceedings and tell him either decide he wants to work on the marriage or you are moving on with your life!
He sounds like a spoiled little brat that expects the world to revolve around him which would explain the trouble with his family!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”